An exam for wannabe fantasy writers

[LeftyMom]

The Fantasy Novelist's Exam

By David J. Parker

Additional Material By Samuel Stoddard

Ever since J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis created the worlds of Middle Earth and Narnia, it seems like every windbag off the street thinks he can write great, original fantasy, too. The problem is that most of this "great, original fantasy" is actually poor, derivative fantasy. Frankly, we're sick of it, so we've compiled a list of rip-off tip-offs in the form of an exam. We think anybody considering writing a fantasy novel should be required to take this exam first. Answering "yes" to any one question results in failure and means that the prospective novel should be abandoned at once.
RinkWorks
The Exam

1. Does nothing happen in the first fifty pages?
2. Is your main character a young farmhand with mysterious parentage?
3. Is your main character the heir to the throne but doesn't know it?
4. Is your story about a young character who comes of age, gains great power, and defeats the supreme badguy?
5. Is your story about a quest for a magical artifact that will save the world?

Continues at http://rinkworks.com/fnovel/

[RevolutionaryActs]

1. That's fabulous.

:rofl:


I answered yes/maybe to three questions. Do I pass? :shrug::P

[Bucky]

2. 6. Did your main character shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die?

This should be fun to add to.

[philosophie_en_rose]

15. 7. Is your character a poorly-disguised version of you

that everyone just adores?

8. Are you an asshole that nobody actually adores?

If the answer to both questions is yes, your work should not be published.

[bridgit]

3. whoa, whoa, whoa...then on what page do i slip through a crevice so tight...

that it pops the herring bone & scrimshaw buttons of my fancy little embroidered forest green vest on my way to some underworld creature feature :dilemma:

[XemaSab]

4. Classic, classic shit!

:rofl:

Go post this in the Fantasy Lit group! :bounce:

[LeftyMom]

5. Done!

WHY DID I NOT HEAR BEFORE NOW THAT HBO IS MAKING AN ASOIAF SERIES????????

/me dies of happiness

[XemaSab]

6. 4 hours long.

Skipping the whole plot lines with the Lannisters and Daenarys. :D

[LeftyMom]

7. Shut up.

I'm cool as long as it's got Sandor. Cut him out and I'm gonna whine like a Tolkienite mourning the loss of Tom Bombadil.

[XemaSab]

10. I heard they're also going to make Sandor and Tyrion the same person

:popcorn:

(Oh boy, I was SO PISSED when they made Rita and Nadine the same person in The Stand :grr: )

[BreweryYardRat]

21. Ditto.

I honestly don't think they could get away with it. He's a fan favorite, after all.

[allinktup]

8. hey, is this about george bush?

oh wait, he is the bad guy.... sorry my bad

[otherlander]

9. Okay...

1. The whole story is only 30 pages
2. There are two main characters, one did grow up on a farm, yes. The other is a general's son.
3. Nope. But the general's son pretends that an island is his kingdom.
4. They do come of age. They do defeat each other. But... neither of them was really all that bad. They were just two guys.
5. Maybe. But it's more of a concept than an artifact.

[XemaSab]

11. (note to self:

don't stab anyone with a scimitar :scared: )

[booley]

12. Sometimes you can have these and still have a good story

Some of these cliches are endemic in R.A. Salvatore's books, especially the ones with Drizz't.

but I still love those books.

but I have found that often the best way to deal with cliches is to turn them around. That's what made Pratchett so good.

[LeftyMom]

14. Speaking of Drizz't

When gaming, if your concept in any way resembles Drizz't, get your sheet and dice out and start over or your GM should make you at some point early in the first game session.

"You're all at a bar, when a dark elf with two swords strapped to his back walks in. Drizzt Clone, I want you to roll a spot check. Oh shit, the dresser being moved upstairs slid through the railing and landed on your head. Messy, that. We could use a cleric."

[TroubleMan]

16. LOL....so true

Same with PC DnD games.

[Solon]

17. LOL, did that to a buddy, many times...

I liked playing drow, though usually priestesses of Eilistraee, however, my buddy always played the "evil" but incredibly inept thief.

A common thing to happen was to have him as scout, unknown to him, there was always a demon, or, in my campaigns, a whole horde of goblins JUST around the next corner, and for some reason, his Hide check would fail just as he noticed them.

I decided to change things up, especially when he tried stealing stuff from other party members, in a forest, I had him scout ahead, and then, while the rest of us were 500 yards away, he was attacked by 100 malevolent pixies after failing a spot check. It took 10 of them to carry off his head as a trophy. :)

[booley]

20. Speaking of Clerics

Your post reminds me of one of the best t-shits I ever saw at Archon..

In a pose reminsicent of the movie poster for Clerks are several clerics.

Underneath... "Clerics, just becuase they HEAL YOU doesn't mean they LIKE YOU!"

Yes, I'm a dork. what of it?

[TroubleMan]

13. That list is messed up.

If all the fantasy writers followed that list, there would never be another fantasy novel again....ever.

[Solon]

18. The only ones I agree with are the ones that mention hit points and mana...

One thing that I really hate with fantasy writers are those that "get out of character" in a DAMNED BOOK!

[Kutjara]

19. Perfect. Sums up...

...90% of the fantasy "literature" out there. I'd only add:

- Does your main character wield the "Songsword of Tharg," the "Bloodaxe of Crapsberg," the "Staff of Somewhere Scarysounding" or similar?

- Are any of your characters unable to use contractions?

- Did you invent a language for one of more of the races in your book?

[Xipe Totec]

22. Yes to all but #3

#5 is sort of. Not an artifact but a rare plant.

[Writer]

23. Oh shoot, my novel passes with flying colors...

Of course my book is named, "Dragons of Autumn Shires: From Mount Doom to Narnia."

(snorts and walks away)

[XemaSab]

25. Mine is named "There and Back Again"

:bounce:

[Writer]

26. How profound.

Do your characters have hairy feet and a love of weed?

[XemaSab]

29. What, you planning on plagiarizing me?

:shrug:

[Writer]

33. Plagiarizing you?

Why, no. I'm not calling them hobbits. I'm calling them halflings or kender - just to be different. :thumbsup:

[Rabrrrrrr]

30. And Volume 2 of the trilogy: "Dragonriders of the Wheel: From Xanth to Shannara"

[Rabrrrrrr]

31. And the final cataclysmic volume, "Dragonslayer End Game: From Erna to Rohan"

[Writer]

34. Whoa. That is just screaming "Newberry Book Award."

:P

[Writer]

35. Of course, it should be followed several years later by...

"Children of the Dragonslayers: A Tek Jansen Adventure."

[Rabrrrrrr]

36. And then "Dragonslayers Lost: A New Age in Which Humans Now Reign Supreme"

[Rabrrrrrr]

37. Then "Dragonslayers Regained: Some Kid Found the The Orb of Asterix"

[Rabrrrrrr]

38. And then many years later: "Before There Were Dragons", edited by author's son

from "unfinished manuscripts" which amount to a few drunkenly scrawled sentences on a cocktail napkin found in the archives one desperately hot summer afternoon when the family realized that the royalties from their dead father's work were slowing down so much that they might actually have to find work.

[Rabrrrrrr]

40. And then "Lost Tales of Dragons", edited from yet more "lost manuscripts"

these being a few toss-off cocaine-induced stupid ideas found in a letter the author wrote to one of his mistresses when he was going crazy in Bermuda from the coke, cheap rum, and way more sex than any fantasy author should ever be allowed, or even guessed, to have.

[Writer]

41. LOL... actually I was talking to someone who published a book about ten years ago...

it was a non-fiction book, mind you, but he just received his whopping $40 royalty check from his publisher.

(snort!)

Yup those royalties do slow down. Time to stretch a literary franchise out for yet another long, miserable book. ;)

[xmas74]

24. How about:

Has your story that could have been finished w/ three books been stretched into eleven volumes?

(Yep, I'm referring to Robert Jordan. I see quite a few of those apply to that series.)

[mainegreen]

27. Heaven help you, do you ever use the term "hit points" in your novel?

OMFG!

:rofl:

[sakabatou]

28. Here's the one I have in my head

1. No, something does happen.
2. No, he is a "failed experiment"
3. Not an heir per se, but may have "royal blood"
4. Sorta
5. Sorta

[Lethe]

32. i must be even dorkier than a fantasy writer.......

because the backstory i wrote for my D&D chaotic neutral cleric violates every one of those rules!!!

:smoke:

[Blue-Jay]

39. Very funny, however,

I've read many novels that make use of some of that "list". I suspect that the author of the list has had a hard time getting published/selling a book, and is a little bit (OK a LOT) pissed off about it.