Latest Dean Scandal!! (Parody)

[stopbush]

Is Dean Flushing Away the Nomination? New Scandal Plagues Campaign

Jan. 7, 2004

AMES, IOWA (UIP) The Howard Dean campaign sent the State of Iowa and the Democratic caucuses into absolute chaos today when it was implied that someone on his staff may have left the seat up on the toilet located in the rear of his campaign bus.

Joe Trippi - Dean's media adviser - quickly countered the accusations by producing the cleaning schedule from Clean Bus, Inc, the company hired to sanitize the restrooms on Dean's bus. "The schedule clearly shows that the restroom was cleaned at 3:20PM on Sunday. Whether or not the cleaning staff left it up on purpose or not, we really don't care," opined Mr Trippi, "we've been more than satisfied with their work, and we're just happy to be able to provide a few hard-working Americans with jobs...which is more than George Bush seems to be able to do. I might also point out that at the time of the supposed scandal, Dr Dean was participating in the Iowa debate, so I think there's just no truth to the rumors flying around that he had anything to do with this."

While the possible social faux pas may have riled Dr Dean's rivals - not to mention Miss Manners - the immediate effect to Dean's campaign was an overnight infusion of another $750,000 in donations. "That's a man I can admire," said Floyd R Turbo of Moran, "because he sure ain't your usual politician. I mean, those other guys are always puttin' the seat up 'n down. Make a g*ddamn decision, I say! Is it up, or is it down? I look at it this way - ain't ya jes gonna use it again in a few hours? What's the point with all the extra work? Hell, I have the same argument with my wife every damn day of every damn week."

Mr Dean's rivals were quick to seize on this latest faux pas to hammer the candidate:

Sen Joe Lieberman: "Howard, I call on you to release ALL of the restroom cleaning records from your term as Governor of Vermont. That - and that alone - is what separates us from the bushes and cheneys of the world. We stand for clean government, and I beg you to take the moral high ground and release those cleaning records back to the time you were on your high school student council. And if you can't do that, then I ask you to either drop out of the race, or at least name the diaper service your mother used when you were an infant."

Sen John Edwards: "I grew up in a poor home that didn't even own a toilet until I was 15. I finally got a part-time job in the local mill, and by the time I was 19, I had earned enough money to buy a seat for that toilet. Howard, we loved that seat. We treasured that seat. Now, maybe leavin' a toilet seat up is business as usual for all you insiders and career politicians, but in my opinion, the best thing we could do for that seat - and the best thing YOU could do for America - is to put that seat down where it belongs and let it do its job."

Sen John Kerry: "Once again, Howard Dean shows his lack of foreign policy experience. Were such an outrage to happen in the elegant toilettes of one of our European allies, the damage to our country would be immense. Can you imagine what the Middle East would think of an American president who would so disgrace the gold-plated toilettes in Saddam's palaces? I fought this crap my whole life, and it's time we stood up and separated the shit from the shinola."

Al Sharpton: "He's got a toilette on his bus? You're joking, right?"

Dennis Kucinich: "Let me just say this...as a vegetarian, I don't see it as much of a problem. But if you're a meat eater - and Howard, you're a meat eater - well, then the whole issue rises to a level of stink that is just appalling...appalling... We can do better than that!"

Rep Dick Gephardt: "Boy, I hate to say it, but, Howard, when it comes to toilets, you are a miserable failure. Look, those are good union toilets, built by American hands, many of them right here in Iowa. I know Iowans and I know toilets, and by golly, a toilet is like America - it has a job to do, but that job only gets done if all the parts work together. So I'd ask you not to overlook that lowly toilet seat. He may seem plain and a bit flat, but by golly, he's just as important as the flush handle. And, just like America, he comes in all kinds of colors, shapes and sizes."

Carol Moseley Braun: "Men! And this country just keeps on electing them over and over again. Surely we can do better than talking about toilets...not that I'd ever be allowed in those exclusive men's rooms."

Wes Clark: "Look, I like Howard Dean, but when I ran NATO, we taught soldiers how to make a toilet seat out of mud and a stale piece of Bobolli. It may not have been much, but it was something important to those boots on the ground. That seat could do triple duty as a seat, a table, or - if you were running low on food or ammo - either food or ammo. It might seem sort of stupid to be discussing this at all, but when you've had field experience, even the most mundane thing takes on a whole new light."

Dr Dean could not be reached for comment as he was busy picking up the endorsement of the United Custodians of America.

[Jim Sagle]

1. Excellent - you need to turn pro.

:thumbsup:

[stopbush]

2. Sharpton Comments Fuel Fires of Toiletgate

(sorry if this post serves as a shameless bump. My bad!)

Sharpton Expands Remarks on Latest Dean Scandal, Fuels Debate

Jan 7, 2004 (UIP) The Rev Al Sharpton today expanded on his remarks made earlier in the day on the incident which the Washington press corps has quickly dubbed "toiletgate."

"When I first heard about this, I was sort of in shock. But then, nothing should shock me anymore. I'm well acquainted with buses and fought to get people out of the back of the bus and up to the front of the bus. The buses I rode on didn't have fancy toilets. We had to hold ourselves together while suffering pain and, sometimes, humiliation. No, the toilet on the bus was and remains the playground of the rich and powerful, for just like the keys to the White House, the keys to the executive washroom have always excluded all but those in the top 1% of Americans.

"Well, this campaign is gonna change all that. Be it in the washroom or the White House, I intend to wrest those keys of empowerment from the hands of the wealthy and put them into the hands of the people. If YOU want the key to the executive john, then vote for Al Sharpton, for I intend to slap that john-key all the way up to the November election!"