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Grammar Whores, check in! How would you rewrite this sentence?

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Writer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-15-06 07:36 PM
Original message
Grammar Whores, check in! How would you rewrite this sentence?
Edited on Fri Dec-15-06 07:44 PM by Writer
Sally saw Billy strangle Karl, antagonize Lou and wrestle Jack to the ground; therefore, Sally went out with Billy because she loves alpha males.

:P

Have at it!

Edit to add: Don't hold back, a'right? This is for fun. :D
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JackBeck Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-15-06 07:38 PM
Response to Original message
1. Sally loves alpha males and went out with Billy because she saw him
Edited on Fri Dec-15-06 07:40 PM by JackBeck
strangle Karl, antagonize Lou and wrestle Jack to the ground.

Edit: Billy, not Bill
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NV Whino Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-15-06 07:39 PM
Response to Original message
2. two sentences
Period after ground. Lose the "therefore." New sentence starts with Sally.

Or break it into three sentences. Same as above except period after second Billy. Lose the "because." New sentence starts with she.
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cami715 Donating Member (155 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-15-06 07:59 PM
Response to Original message
3. one complex sentence

After seeing Billy strangle Karl, antagonize Lou, and wrestle Jack to the ground, Sally went out with him because she loves alpha males.
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Xipe Totec Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-15-06 08:01 PM
Response to Original message
4. What's wrong with it the way it is?
:shrug:
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NNadir Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-15-06 08:08 PM
Response to Original message
5. Sally saw Billy strangle Karl. She saw him antagonize Lou. She saw him
Edited on Fri Dec-15-06 08:10 PM by NNadir
wrestle Jack to the ground. Seeing all of this led her to go out with Billy. Sally loves alpha males.

Although I often write tortured, long sentences, I often recognize that when I am doing so, I am writing badly.
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spindrifter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-15-06 08:15 PM
Response to Original message
6. Sally, who loves alpha males, went out with Billy
after she saw him strangle Karl, antagonize Lou and wrestle Jack to the ground.
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petronius Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-15-06 08:17 PM
Response to Original message
7. Sally has really bad taste in men. She went out with Billy, who is a violent dirtbag.
How's that? :)
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JackBeck Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-15-06 08:20 PM
Response to Reply #7
9. That is the biggest laugh I've had all day!
OMG.
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InternalDialogue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-15-06 08:20 PM
Response to Original message
8. You're burying the lede.
Sally was found the next day in a donut shop dumpster. She didn't realize Billy couldn't hold his booze.

:P
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JackBeck Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-15-06 08:21 PM
Response to Reply #8
10. Oh, shit. These keep on getting better! n/t
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Oeditpus Rex Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-15-06 08:24 PM
Response to Original message
11. 'Sally needs therapy'
:popcorn:

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pink-o Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-15-06 08:44 PM
Response to Original message
12. But this is where the story shifts...
...to Sally's young cousin Laura. After Sally married Billy, young Laura spent the summer months with them in their West Texas home. She took note of how Billy bullied Sally and became convinced that this was the essence of a male/female relationship. As a teenager, Laura looked for this in her own boyfriends. She dated Michael, but his gentleness pissed her off so much that she mowed him down in her car.

A few years later, Laura met George, and watched the way he terrorized his brothers with BB guns, shoved firecrackers down the throats of frogs and was generally mean-spirited to everyone around him. She realised she had finally found her perfect husband.

Years went by. George quit drinking, but luckily for Laura that did not infused compassion into his personality. However, in her late 50s, while squatting in their luxury residence in Washington, Laura became disillusioned with her husband. She had finally figured out that this was no Alpha Male, but just a paper tiger--no more than a spoiled frat boy.

Laura thought of divorcing George. She even spent a month in the Mayflower Hotel to think it over. But ultimately, she understood that she had made her bed years ago, and needed to lie in it.

Upon going back to her big White House, Laura found she could take comfort in one thing: Billy may have strangled Lou, antagonized Karl and wrestled Jack to the ground, but George had killed 3000 Americans and countless other Iraqis in a made-up war.

Sally must be sooooo jealous!

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cwydro Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-15-06 08:46 PM
Response to Original message
13. Sally called Jack, in tears,
after Billy ran off with her best friend.
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Redstone Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-15-06 08:51 PM
Response to Original message
14. Two changes: Add a comma after "Lou," and delete the comma after "therefore."
Then it works perfectly.

Redstone
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