I hate religious weddings, especially in rural

[WilmywoodNCparalegal]

churches... where it is automatically assumed no one has any problems in praying to Jesus. I am always so uncomfortable in these situations. I don't know what to do. Do I bow in prayer? Why should I bow in prayer when I don't pray?

Yesterday, at rehearsal dinner and the rehearsal, I tried two techniques. One, I bowed respectfully. The other, I didn't do anything. Suggestions for proper etiquette from a strong agnostic in this situation?

At the ceremony, there will be communion with bread and fake wine. Should I do it or not? (It's a United Methodist church, by the way, not Roman Catholic or Episcopalian). The other wedding party (my husband is a groomsman) and pretty much all of the guests all attend the same churches, the preachers refer to marriage as "God-ordained" (hell, why then did I have to get a license from the state and why did I get married in a courthouse by a judge?) and only between a man and a woman (their prerogative to believe that, but why do they have to bring it up?). I'll say it again... I hate religious weddings in rural churches in NC!!!!!

:nuke:

[Phentex]

1. You quietly observe.

Why would you even think about participating in communion? It seems obvious to me that you would not.

As for prayer, you can simply sit or stand quietly and observe. They aren't forcing you to do anything.

[hedgehog]

18. What would you do at a Moslem ceremony or if the Dalai Lama

was leading a service? It's only simple courtesy to stand there quietly. Back in the old days, we Catholics were forbidden to participate in any Protestant services lest we somehow suggest that their prayers were as good as ours, LOL! You sound like your afraid of getting contaminated just by being there.

[WhollyHeretic]

2. I just sit there silently, I don't bow my head

Are they doing communion for everyone at the wedding?

[WilmywoodNCparalegal]

4. Yes, communion for everyone

It's a very tiny church that can hold no more than about 50 people and they are going to do it for everyone. I am not going to partake in it, as I would feel highly hypocritical. As for the prayer, I think I am going to go with the 'don't bow' thing. I find it more sincere than just bowing down and 'pretending.'

Still, because this is such a small-knit group of people, I will stand out like a sore thumb.

[murielm99]

3. Bow your head respectfully.

Manners are a good idea in any situation.

As far as communion, you can stay in your seat. United Methodists have open communion, but it is not required that you take it. It's good idea to check about communion customs in any church you attend.

Why are you going if you hate this so much?

[philosophie_en_rose]

6. To support friends or relations, I presume.

Having attended many religious ceremonies where I was not a participate, I think the poster's request for suggestions is very reasonable.

[Schema Thing]

5. I usually just bow my head

Other people's special events are not where I fight the culture wars; that's what talk radio is for.


But then again, I'm a moral relativist. Like all humans :-D

[MrCoffee]

7. you won't offend anyone by passing on the communion.

just sit quietly during the prayer. a little respect never hurt anybody.

[undeterred]

8. The worst part of a rural religious wedding I went to

in college was the bride's cousing singing "You are so beautiful"... absolutely the worst voice I have ever heard in my life.

Oh yeah, then there's the mints and nuts and cake and Hawaiian punch in the Church basement... Maybe a few buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken if you're lucky. After you've spent a fortune to dress up and travel to the middle of nowhere with a nice gift they feed you practically nothing. :shrug:

[hedgehog]

16. Yeah boy, that's why I go to weddings.

They should put down the cost per plate and also the cost of any favors given to the guests on the invitations so you can calculate exactly how much to spend on the gifts!

[MrCoffee]

17. .

:rofl: :applause:

[Rabrrrrrr]

38. Gotta make sure you get your value of the thing!!

One wouldn't want to give gifts just out of love or friendship, for god's sake.

It's totally about the quid pro quo.

[smitty]

23. Perhaps these people were poor and couldn't afford

a more elaborate ceremony and reception.

[undeterred]

24. Its just not expected.

In other parts of the state (big city or suburbs) people wouldn't think of having a wedding without providing a sit-down lunch or dinner, open bar, band, etc. My friends who were from small towns in rural areas had very simple receptions with cake only- it was culture shock for me at the time.

And after driving four or five hours, you get hungry.

[JVS]

26. Amen! Country hospitality my ass! And God forbid an open bar!

[XemaSab]

9. Bow your head respectfully

Using someone else's wedding to strike a blow for atheism isn't cool.

[WhollyHeretic]

15. There is nothing disrespectful about just sitting there quietly

plus she says she's an agnostic.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

36. There's nothing wrong with not bowing the head.

Nothing at all, even at a wedding. It's hardly trying to "strike a blow."

[Gormy Cuss]

10. If you're not planning to bow your head, what will you do during prayers?

Stare at the ceiling? Stare straight ahead like a deer caught in the headlights? You must come up with a way to comport yourself that is unobtrusive. Do you have such a way? Bowing your head may be the easiest way, IMO. I understand that you don't wish to appear hypocritical, but no one is forcing you to pray with that bowed head. Use it for self reflection. During those prayers think positive thoughts about creating a society that accepts gay marriage. Mentally write your grocery list.

As others have written, skip the communion. That's respectful.

[JVS]

27. If everyone else is bowing their heads, they shouldn't notice that...

one person is just looking forward toward the altar. I'm a member of a church, and nobody seems to notice that I watch the pastor say the prayer rather than bowing my head. Similarly, nobody seems to have a problem with me bowing my head when the pastor lifts up the bread and cup, or pronounces absolution.

[Gormy Cuss]

30. It really depends on the congregation and the style of worship, I think.

I'd like to believe that no one would make note but I've been in churches for weddings (when one expects a large number of neophytes) and those who weren't going along with the rite were tapping their feet, drumming fingers, sighing or clearing their throat repeatedly, flipping pages in a magazine, you name it--and people did notice.

I'm sure at other times people were sitting quietly and no one noticed. The point is, if one is very uncomfortable in the setting, it may be hard to just sit there quietly and planning to do something to keep your mind busy may prevent the nervous behaviors listed above. Let's face it, churches get awfully quiet during contemplative prayers. When the congregation is reciting a prayer together any sound outside of the mantra seems amplified.

Bowing your head in silence (or simply closing your eyes) and focusing on something of interest to you may be the easiest way to keep from being noticed.

[Heidi]

11. Don't go, then, or respectfully decline to participate in the overtly religious parts.

Surely, if someone knows you well enough to invite you to their wedding,they won't be stunned if you _respectfully_ decline to participate in the overtly religious parts of the ceremony. All the same, I consider a wedding to be a celebration, and you can celebrate a partnership without buying into the religious part of it, right?

[xmas74]

12. UMC is open communion.

You don't have to be a member to partake but it's not uncommon at my church (which is an UMC) to see people sitting out.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

13. In a church that practices open Communion, you're free to take it or

not take it, as you choose.

If you're not a believer, there's no particular reason to take it.

[hippywife]

14. Seeing how it's not

your wedding, I would say it's fine for them to have the wedding they want according to their own beliefs. You can just stand and respectfully observe or not go if it bothers you that much.

[GirlinContempt]

19. Er, most religious weddings that I've been to

rural or urban, don't exactly assume that "no one has any problems in praying to Jesus" but that the attendees understand their sister/friend/coworker/aunt/father/etc is of whatever religion and is comfortable with the religious things going on around them, or else they wouldn't be there.
What do you expect? To go to a Methodist wedding and NOT pray? My grandmother was a catholic, at her funeral people engaged in acts of faith. Not because they thought everyone was catholic, but because SHE had been.

Do whatever you feel comfortable with. But if you hate religious weddings, I'd advise not to attend. Why bring your bad feelings to someone else's special day?

[hedgehog]

20. Come to think of it, our Jewish next door neighbors came to my Catholic

wedding with no complaints. Of course, we attended their son's circumcision and prayed along with them.

[JVS]

28. Good point

[WindRavenX]

21. Well, I'm going to a mormon wedding in about 3 weeks...

...And I have quite a collection of tattoos :o

Should be interesting.

My only advice is re: how to act, simply be respectful when others are going through the motions of whatever the deuce they do-- I simply sit and have my hands in my lap and stare blankly ahead.

[smitty]

22. I'm not a religious person but most of my family and friends are.

So I sometimes find myself attending religious weddings or funerals. Out of respect for my family and friends I bow my head at the appropriate times.

At my family Thanksgiving dinner we held hands and prayed, I wouldn't dream of not joining hands but I didn't repeat the prayer. My family knows my position and has no problem with it.

It works for me but you have your own situation to deal with.

[JVS]

25. If you don't feel comfortable praying, don't take communion

God'll get you for it!

[GoneOffShore]

29. If everyone else has their heads bowed

who's going to see if you're not bowing your head?

I go to weddings and funerals and bar mitzvahs and never bow my head or kneel. No one notices or comments.

Skip the communion, unless of course you like cubes of stale WonderBread and teeny glasses of Welch's grape juice.

And bring a flask. Vodka is always good. But if it's really rural there might be moonshine.

And if they're not feeding you, do a search on Roadfood, Chowhound or Egullet before you go and you might find a really good, cheap place to eat nearby. Great barbecue in NC!

As for the other stuff, chill, because it's their day, not yours.

Added on edit:

http://www.keatonsoriginalbbq.com/directions.htm

http://www.roadfood.com/Reviews/Overview.aspx?RefID=2131

[Evoman]

31. I look around and try to catch the eyes of other people who aren't praying.

Its fun as hell...sometimes people will give a secret smile, and a couple of times I've even got winks. HA!

[Left Is Write]

32. Do not take communion if it has no significance to you.

[Generic Brad]

33. Funerals are worse

At least everyone is generally happy at a wedding and makes the religious mumbo jumbo tolerable.

[Kerrytravelers]

34. Communion- no, don't take it. Praying? It doesn't matter if you bow your head or not.

No one is going to notice. If someone would actually ask you whether or not you prayed because your head wasn't bowed, I'd ask them how they even knew- shouldn't their head be bowed in prayer. And anyway, Jesus say pray in a closet, not bow your head because everyone else thinks you should.

And just relax. I seriously doubt anyone will attempt to push their religion on you. If they do, let them know you already have your own beliefs, thank you very much, but you're here for a wedding, not a theological debate.

[Blue-Jay]

35. When people bow their heads, I just get up and do the "robot".

[Rabrrrrrr]

37. You seem to imply that you are in the weding party, since you rehearsed

You didn't say that specifically, though - but if you are standing up with the bride and/or groom, you should say so, because that makes a bit of a difference in how you might want to behave from a position of etiquette.