Never a good time, but best time to break up?

[gmoney]

I've been in a semi-long-distance relationship for about 9 months now, and have been considering ending it for a while now, but the time never seems right. She lives about 3 hours drive away, so I've been seeing her every other weekend or so as a rule. Recently we spent almost two solid weeks together, which I viewed as an experiment for how things would be on a day-to-day basis, and it's just confirmed to me that while we get along, we just have almost nothing in common and other incompatibilities. But the bottom line is that while I feel a certain affection for her, I don't think I'll ever love her.

So, just as dating was complicated by the distance, breaking up will be, too. While I don't think she views Christmas as a BIG deal, I feel bad breaking it off this close to Christmas, but maybe that points to "the sooner the better" since it's still November. I do want to remain friendly with her and not alienate our mutual friends, so I'm hoping to minimize the "bad guy" aspect of this.

Also, I don't think I want to wait until her next visit to me here, because I don't like the idea of her driving so far in a (potentially) upset and distracted state of mind. And I think if I call and say "I'm coming up, we need to talk..." we'll just end up having the conversation on the phone. Is it acceptable to do this by phone these days?

Haven't had a lot of experience with this... any insights would be helpful and welcome. When? How? Any other advice?

[MissHoneychurch]

1. So you finally work up the nerve?

darn, and I am not online at YM at the moment. Darn it.

Anyway, break up as soon as you can. Why suffer even longer and let her hang in there. The sooner you quit this relationship, the sooner both of you can start a new life. I once made the mistake to hang on. Not good. And make a final cut. Coming back together doesn't work if it didn't work at the first try.

Edit: if you wanna talk more privately about it, pm me.

:hug:

[LaurenG]

2. If I were her and knew this I'd have wished you would have just

told me when you knew it was over. It's going to hurt anyway so you may as well just let her know that you care very much for her but it just isn't love. The sooner the better, IMHO.

I wish you well, whenever you tell her.

[Robb]

4. Bingo

It's like taking off a band-aid. If you've decided, it needs to get done, and the longer you take the worse off everyone is.

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. Screw "the right time" - do it ASAP.

It's the only honorable way to do it. Don't string it out. It's just rude to the other person.

[LostinVA]

6. Exactly -- good advice

[JVS]

5. Since you've gone this long in putting it off, why not try to avoid it altogether by...

sending a letter or just stop talking to her?

[LostinVA]

7. The woman has an emotional investment in the relationship

She deserves to have the OP be considerate and respectful of her. And, he does have affection for her, just not romantic love.

[gmoney]

8. Honestly, I'm a little scared, too.

Not having a lot of experience with relationships, and this being the first one after a world-record "dry spell" there is a part of me that's scared that it's the wrong decision for the wrong reasons. I don't think I'm expecting "movie love" but it does seem that something's missing for me. On the plus side, she does say she loves me, despite my many many flaws, foibles and shortcomings. In fact, I've been somewhat amazed that someone could tolerate them, let alone embrace them. She doesn't have a problem with me doing photography with models (frequently nudes) and I think that would be a dealbreaker for many women. She's very supportive of my photography, in fact, and I'm not sure how much credit I should give her for her encouragement in whatever degree of success I'm enjoying. Neither of us want kids, which again would be a problem for many women, and she doesn't have kids and an ex-husband, which is also rare these days. She does genuinely seem to want me to help make my house a home, and I'm not getting any younger...

I'm afraid my expectations are out of line and that I'm too ready to deny myself happiness by holding out for perfection. And, if I end this, will it be years before I find someone else? That woman certainly will not be perfect either. Is a bird in the hand worth two in the bush? (So to speak.)

But at the same time, I'm finding myself NOT looking forward to her visits, and I'm concerned about her self-sabotaging behavior. (nothing like drugs or booze... largely her inability/unwillingness to find a job, and self-medicating with food instead of seeking real treatment for depression) I've been trying to help her with her professed desire to change these behaviors, but I see no evidence that she's making any sort of an effort. And I'm concerned that the fallout from her behavior may drag me down with her.

It does feel nice to be loved, but I think I'm capable of loving someone, and I'm just not feeling it now...

[LostinVA]

13. Let me say this:

Talk to her, and tell her exactly what you just wrote in this post,a nd go from there. You DO have affection for her, and even if it turns out to not be romantic love, you can still salvage a friendship, right? Talk to her and be honest and listen to each other.

Communicating in a kind and honest way is always the best choice.

PM if you need to talk.


on edit: Drive up and discuss it face-to-face.


:hug:

[Madrone]

14. My take -

Based on your thoughts and feelings - this isn't "THE" relationship for you. If it were "THE" relationship you'd know it. It would be like something you've never experienced before, and you would be free of doubt for the first time ever. There will be no question.

That's what you're looking for. Learn how to be content with yourself and being alone - don't settle out of fear that what you're settling for may be the best you could hope to find. What you're looking for IS possible - you just have to keep that in mind and remain open to the possibility.

I'm 34, and I have pretty much believed that what I'm looking for is something I could never find. I knew it was possible, just felt that the likelihood of finding it was slim to none, and became comfortable with the idea I'd never experience it. Recently however I've discovered that maybe it isn't an impossible dream after all.

Patience, friend.

[Westegg]

16. Ah! Now we're getting somewhere...

First, I'll agree with almost everyone else: Do it now. There is no upside to dragging out the inevitable. This will be best for both of you.

Second, you're talking about some real issues here, and while you want to be of service as a caring friend, these do NOT seem like issues you want to deal with in terms of a committed relationship. I do not blame you.

Nine months into a long-distance relationship, you have identified some serious negative stuff. As a veteran of many serious relationships before I finally got married (in my late 30s), I can only state for me what is the obvious: Staying in a problematic relationship because you'd rather not be alone temporarily is NOT a reason to continue that relationship. It's selfish.

Do you love yourself? Or at least feel basically good about yourself? Because it's a cliche, but a worthy one: You cannot love another until you first love yourself.

Break if off before December 1. Doing it by phone isn't ideal, of course, yet it is totally acceptable given the long-distance thing. Save her the trip.

[SPKrazy]

25. If You Are Sure Of It

let it go, tell her it's over

if you aren't sure, then you need to find out

how you do that is spend time with her

but if it isn't going to work, honesty is the best policy, it will make you feel better and it is respectful to her as well

[Phillycat]

35. self delete

wrong spot

[SPKrazy]

24. Not To Be Disrespectful

isn't that kind of a chicken way out?

he needs to talk to her

avoidance is not how to deal with ending a relationship

maybe a one night stand can end that way (usually do)

[JVS]

33. Yeah, if you've already taken the path this far, ride it out.

[itsmesgd]

9. do not settle for less

If you settle for less, you will always wonder about what else is out there and what could have been. Also, she may be cool with your work now, but after you move in together things change. I speak from experience. I work for myself and while my ex was supportive of the idea of my work, the first time that work was slow, I caught hell. She went on to expand about having to support me-which she never had to do. When one partner feels that they are carrying the financial load, the other one becomes a lesser partner. It feels like indetured servitude. Plus, if you have doubts and questions at this stage, when passion and heat usually distract people from reality, then there are severe problems here. I too started dating my ex and drivng the 4 hour distance between us. It sounds like you are travelling the same road I did. Save your sanity, money, and heartache (not to mention a cool pair of cowboy boots I lost). Do it now, by letter, voicemail, email, or carrier pigeon if needed. You found her, and you will find someone else down the road. Like a square peg in a round hole- you cannot make it fit.

good luck

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

10. You're not doing anyone any favors.

End it immediately. Don't be so arrogant as to think this is going to end her world or anything. It won't. You will both be fine, as neither of you are that fragile.

In fact, you'll be doing her a favor. The sooner you do it, the sooner she can move on with the rest of her life and possibly find someone else with whom she can be happy. And the same goes for you too.

No one benefits from a lame duck relationship.

[itsmesgd]

11. cold hearted post: plus you can save on a christmas gift n/t

[trof]

17. Fellow cynical cold-heart here.

I have to admit, that's the first thought I had.
Shame on me.
:-(
And welcome to DU.
:hi:

[Haole Girl]

12. Follow your heart

You know her, we don't.

It's just really too bad that you've waited until now, during this time of the year, to do it.

In person is the only way to do it...since it sounds like it's more than a casual relationship. Anything else, after all the time you've spent together, would be a slap in the face.

Good luck.

[leftofthedial]

15. after sex

[GoddessOfGuinness]

31. But dial 911 first.

[Mutley]

18. When you're no longer happy,

and regaining the happiness you once had isn't going to happen.

As for the rest of your questions, I have no idea. Never really had a long distance relationship before.

[Left Is Write]

19. You need to do this as soon as possible.

You're not doing her any favors or sparing her in any way by waiting. You'll only make it worse.

[SeattleGirl]

20. Believe me, if it's not there now (whatever you feel is missing)

it won't be there later. I agree with the others. End it now. You cannot control how she will react, and it's not your job to do that. However, you can do it in as kind a way as possible. That, and when you do it, are within your control.

[Ariana Celeste]

21. I had to break off my last relationship close to Christmas

I had felt so guilty for wanting to end it, though I had been thinking about it for a long while. Our families had already bought gifts for us and each other, Christmas plans were in the works. My mom spent as much money on him as she did my brother and I. :). I talked to my mom about it and she told me what everyone is telling you- I had to end it ASAP. She told me that it wouldn't matter what time of year it was, and if I was using Christmas as an excuse, I would use anything else as an excuse, because truth be told I was just scared and don't like hurting people. I will avoid hurting someone at the cost of my own feelings and self esteem. That's what i was doing, I was slipping into a pretty serious dark spot because of it.

You need to do what's right by you first and foremost. If this relationship isn't good for you, then you need to end it. But do right by her and stop waiting. Do it face to face and be honest. There are going to be hurt feelings no matter what, so you might as well be honest and try to remain friends if that is what you want.

[gmoney]

23. Thanks for your story Ariana...

It's not going to be easy, but everyone's support has helped steel my nerve.

[gmoney]

22. Thanks everyone...

I didn't expect quite the resounding universal agreement on this one... guess I really don't know anything about relationships.

[BlueIris]

27. Oh, dude...this post alone is why you need to end it ASAP.

I kinda have this thing about people who don't know anything about relationships messing around with people, who, well, may expect them to have real, actual relationship skills. It's not very considerate to involve yourself in a social scenario that carries social responsibilities--namely, another person's feelings about her significance to you--if you yourself have no idea how to handle this element of the arrangement.

Bail. And do it over the phone so she'll have more reason to resent and dislike you. It's not just that she deserves to have that much at least, but there's no reason for either of you to potentially endanger yourself in a motor vehicle after the end of this relationship. And I wouldn't worry about looking like the "bad guy" to mutual friends. First of all, you're not dating your mutual friends, so their opinion of how you handle your relationships isn't their business and shouldn't be a factor. Also, I get the feeling that the sort of friends you have are not the types to care how you dump a woman. Call. "It's over...sorry." Click. Please consider doing it right after you read this.

[gmoney]

28. well, how about if I just shoot myself in the head?

The entire point of my hesitation is consideration of her feelings and my significance to her. She has a lot of shit going on right now, and frankly, I'm wondering if one more setback isn't going to push her over the edge somehow. Not that I'm anything worth getting upset about, as you so ably pointed out, but she seems a bit attached to me.

[PassingFair]

29. Have a heart.

Wait until after the New Year.

Who are you, Scrooge?


On Edit:

If you want to send a message in a kind way,
make sure you get her a blender or other,
non-committal, type gift for X-mas....

[youthere]

26. NOW is the best time. Call her and just do it-break up I mean.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

30. Now is better than later...

It'd be terribly awkward buying and exchanging gifts with her. Having the conversation on the phone will give her the opportunity to hang up on you, which could be quite therapeutic.

Also, it's possible that she had a similar epiphany after your prolonged visit with each other. Maybe it won't be so bad.

I hope the best for both of you... :hug::hug:

[astral]

32. She probably knows you don't love her

Even if this breakup DOES devastate her, she will get over it, in her own way and her own time. She does not deserve to be strung along by a fella who wants to hang on because there may not be a better deal out there right now. Some women eat to stuff their feelings, to keep from dealing with their conflicts. She may be conflicted over you, feeling what she is feeling, or doesn't feel from you. Maybe she's not in love with you, either, did you ever consider that?

It's a hurtful charade to put off breaking up with someone you want to end it with.

I remember when I was really pissed off at the way someone broke up with me, and a friend told me, look, nobody's "good" at breaking up with someone! And then I realized I have done a pretty crappy job of it myself . . . it's not easy, that's for sure.

One more thing to imagine: Imagine she feels you are not the guy for her, and she does not love you. Would you want her to get it over with so you can move on or would you like her to pussyfut around trying not to hurt your feelings?

It's hard, but once you do the deed you'll be healing and moving forward and allowing her to begin healing too.

[Yavin4]

34. best time to break up? When She's 8 Months Pregnant

Just kidding. Just a little joke.

[Phillycat]

36. When I got dumped...

a long time ago, one of the things that hurt me the most was that the guy told me he had known for a month that he was going to do it. He told me he'd gotten his own video card for the store we both frequented, because he knew "eventually we wouldn't be watching movies together".

I HATED him for every second we spent together that he knew he was eventually going to dump me.

Break up with her RIGHT NOW, over the phone. RIGHT NOW!