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An 17 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
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A very loud woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and Welcome to Wal-Mart... Nice children you've got there! Are they twins?"
The woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they aren’t, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you so stupid you think they look alike?"
"No Ma’am", replies the greeter, "I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice."
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Ole is in trouble: he forgot his and Lena's wedding anniversary again. Lena flies into a rage: "Now you listen here, Ole...by morning there had better be a gift for me in that garage that goes from zero to 200 in less than six seconds or you'll be in real hot water!"
So Ole leaves early the next morning. Lena wakes up a couple of hours later, walks into the garage and sees a small box on the floor. Curiosly, she opens the card on top. "Lena darling...I am so sorry that I forgot our anniversary again. I found the perfect gift and it goes from zero to 200 in less than six seconds. Love, Ole." Lena rips open the package to find a bathroom scale.
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George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Dubya is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
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Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane--"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army!"
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The judge asks the plaintiff, "Why are you applying for a divorce?"
The plaintiff replies, "Your Honor, I find myself living in a two-story house."
The judge says: "So do a lot of other people. Why do you consider that grounds for divorce?"
The plaintiff answers, "Well, you see, in our house one story is "I have a headache" and the other is "It's that time of the month."
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A divorced man meet's his ex-wife's new husband at a party. After knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him: "So... how do you like using second hand stuff?"
To which the new husband replied: "It isn't that bad. Past the first 3 inches, it's all brand new!"
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Three Rednecks were working on the Bell South tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
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A man goes to visit his wife in the hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. Being a bit lonely, instead of just talking to her, he rubs her left breast. His comatose wife lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this elicits a moan.
Upon hearing this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside to avoid any embarrassment.
The man goes in then comes out about ten minutes later white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"I think she choked."
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A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started...."
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A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!"
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Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no Good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."
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There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a race, when they see an accident on the side of the road so they pull over.
They go to help the victim, but they realize she is naked, so they take off their hats.
The first guy was a Earnhardt fan, and put his hat over her left breast.
The second guy was a Elliot fan, and put it over her right breast.
The last guy was a Gordon fan, and put his hat over her crotch.
When the police arrived, the officer looks at the girl and goes to evaluate.
He first picks up the Earnhardt hat, puts it back down and writes something down.
He does the same with the Elliot hat.
Then he picks up the Gordon hat and puts it down then picks it up again.
He does this several times until the Gordon fan says, "What are you? Some kind of pervert?"
The officer replies, "No, I just usually find an asshole under one of these hats."
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Sam is very self-conscious about his bald head and his wooden leg, so when he receives an invitation to a Halloween Ball, he wants to wear a costume that will hide or minimize both.
He dashes off a note to Brooks Brothers, explaining his need and his concerns, and in a few days receives a package with the following note. "Dear Sir: Enclosed is a pirate costume. The red handkerchief will cover your bald head, and your wooden leg will look like part of the costume."
Sam is furious with their 'solution', and returns the parcel, saying he is trying to HIDE his peg leg... not call attention to it.
The next week, he receives a second package and a note: "Dear Sir: We apologize if we appeared insensitive to your concern. Enclosed is a monk's habit. The long robe will hide your leg, and your bald head will look to be part of your costume."
Enraged, Sam returns the costume with a nasty note, saying they are idiots for calling attention to his bald head.
The following day, he receives a small parcel by courier with a note which reads: "Dear Sir: Enclosed is a jar of caramel. Pour it over your bald head, stick your peg leg up your ass, and go as a candy apple."
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