COMIC RELIEF Thread.

[lildreamer316]

OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?

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There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters.

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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?

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Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?

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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racecar is not called a racist?

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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

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Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me .they're cramming for their
final exam.

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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures
on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver
the mail?

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If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the others here for?

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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?


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If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

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Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

So you think you're computer-illiterate?

> Compaq is considering changing the command "Press
> Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood
> of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
> AST technical support had a caller complaining that
> her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover
> on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the
> mouse was packaged in.

> Another Compaq technician received a call from a man
> complaining that the system wouldn't read word
> processing files from his old diskettes. After
> trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to
> diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer
> labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the
> typewriter to type the labels.

> Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her
> defective diskettes. A few days later a letter
> arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies
> of the floppies.

> A Dell technician advised his customer to put his
> troubled floppy back in the drive and close the
> door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and
> was heard putting the phone down, getting up and
> crossing the room to close the door to his room.
> Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get
> his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of
> trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man
> was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in
> front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send"
> key.

> Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new
> program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local
> Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,"the
> customer replied. When told Egghead was a software
> store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me
> to find a couple of geeks."

> Yet another Dell customer called to complain that
> his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by
> filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking
> the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
> and washing them individually.

> A Dell technician received a call from a customer
> who was enraged because his computer had told him he
> was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that
> the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
> shouldn't be taken personally.

> An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support
> couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After
> ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician
> asked her what happened when she pushed the power
> button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this
> foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal"
> turned out to be the computer's mouse.


IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal
of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:
"too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to
cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.
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IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He
said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
And he was a Kansas City chef!
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my
knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker
of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was
leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented
cheerfully, this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a
word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas
Instruments.
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip Back into
itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's
office no less.
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick
up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went
to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger
side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that
it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's
open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!


Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.


Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

[lildreamer316]

1. Paddy:

Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree inthe middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says,
"Fer goodnessakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"