Dating Deal-killers, Vol. II

[Robb]

OK, so I'm not dating or anything. Not by a long shot. But, see, I met this girl and stuff...

Look, here's the question for the morning: what are your red flags, deal killers, "whoops-time-to-go" signs? I had two go off -- astrology and Playstation -- and kind of ignored them for the moment.

What are the things that trigger your flight instinct in people you're otherwise attracted to? And does that mechanism always work for you?

[Kutjara]

1. Nothing like that.

For me, the only thing that makes me think someone might not be right for me is a lack of curiosity and a poor sense of humor. Any other eccentricities or oddities I view as something new to learn about. I spent five of the happiest years of my life with a total headcase new-age hippy homeopathic astrologer, and I'm pretty much the most cold-eyed rationalist you're ever likely to meet. It was a recipe for disaster that worked out very well.

Nothing is a deal killer except heartlessness.

[derby378]

10. Homeopathic astrologer?

Interesting. I have a bunch of really old issues of the Journal of the American Institute of Homeopathy, but it's for historical research purposes - I'm strictly stethoscope-and-penicillin medicine, myself.

BTW, the American Institute of Homeopathy was actually founded a year or two before the AMA, making them America's first national medical organization. Just a little Monday morning trivia for you...

[NashVegas]

2. Getting Drunk Very Early In

If someone can't cope with the stress of early dating, I don't want to think about what other things they may not cope well with.

[Bunny]

3. Substance abuse. Bad behavior toward wait staff, sales clerks, pets, etc.

Extreme Republicanism. Being inexplicably jobless. Poor hygiene.

I'm 48 and I've seen and overlooked a lot of bad behavior in my day. If I were actively dating now, I'd be pretty strict about the kinds of things I'd put up with. I guess I'm to the point where I don't need any more drama or excitement.

[tk2kewl]

4. Talk of Jeebus

[XemaSab]

5. Deal breakers:

Being gay.

Being a drug addict.

Being mean.

Being a total wimp.

Being incurious.

[tjwmason]

12. What's wrong with gays?

bloody homophobe.
























Only joking - of course.

[LostinVA]

17. I always knew you were anti-gay?!

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

19. Yeah, I'm a total heterophobe.

I don't date straight people.

[gmoney]

58. That's not what I've heard...

Toaster-monger...

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

62. The operative word was *date.*

[XemaSab]

64. Sorry, should have clarified...

Being a gay MAN.

[LSK]

39. Goodnight!

Being gay. Nope

Being a drug addict. Nope

Being mean. Nope

Being a total wimp. Nope (I have GD scars to show for it )

Being incurious. Damn you and your big words (Nope)

[MissMillie]

6. My #1 deal-breaker

is any man who says he'll never marry or never marry again.

[LeftyMom]

7. omnis, less-than-left politics, funky teeth, any significant degree of religiousness nt

[petronius]

18. omnis? - As in the car?

[LeftyMom]

20. nah, omnivores

I figure dating anybody I would want to change isn't really fair to either party, so I made that rule for myself a while back.

[petronius]

21. Gotcha - that's a good rule

I've never heard of a successful relationship where one party went in with the hope or expectation of changing the other...

[LynneSin]

8. "I think George Bush is taking this country in the right decision"

Life is too short for me to date republicans

[supernova]

9. My list goes like this

Selfishness to the point of not being considerate of me. I once had a guy -- we knew each other but met accidentally at a street fair -- want to debate with me about where to have dinner. I was extremely tired after walking around the fair all day and said I'd go only on the condition that it was within walking distance. We were smack dab downtown Raleigh, Moore Sq, to be exact. Tons of places to eat. He wanted to drive somewhere. Long story short, I wound up driving my car to a place I didn't want to go and also paying for dinner too, since he didn't have his wallet with him, either. I will never do that again. EVER.

No sense of humor. Too serious. Doesn't crack a smile. I'm serious also, but I try to be lighthearted.

Lack of curiosity. This is something I don't enjoy about certain people. Way to comfortable and smug about their beliefs and their place in the world. I want a curious intellect and one that actively tries to engage the world.


Other than that, I'm open.

[UncleSepp]

11. Lack of curiosity or humor, drama-queen-behavior, judgmental personality

The need to be superior or always the center of attention also kills the deal for me.

[Marie26]

13. Mean to waiters

Goodbye!

[Divameow77]

14. Everything

listed in post # 3 and someone who ignores my children. That may be into the relationship already and it hasn't happened to me yet, but that would definitely make me call it quits.

[wildhorses]

15. NO J-O-B!!! drinking, drugging, cigarette smoking (if I had

known from the beginning that TheSmoker was a smoker I would never gone out with him) which brings me to the LYING...He LIED...Not Good!!! 3 strikes and you're outta here. I am thinking that the smoking is strike 1 and the lie was strike 2 so he is/was in trouble at the onset.

I like him and enjoy my time with him but, I am in no hurry for it to go farther...

other red flags for me:
excessive partying
no place to live
politics
spirituality
no goals or future plans/no dreams
rudeness

[idgiehkt]

46. lol

this is just classic:

"If I had known from the beginning that The Smoker was a smoker I would have never gone out with him...which brings me to the LYING..."



I agree, don't want cigs, drugs, or drinking, just because those are former problems for me and I don't need anymore challenges to confront on a daily basis in my life. I like people who are kind of freak-of-nature smart, and they are rare...the person has to be intelligent and of course no body right-wing or unaware of what is going on politically or thinks (or ever thought) the war in Iraq was a good idea.

[hfojvt]

71. I don't have a job, but I am looking for one, but

I don't wanna process anything, package anything or ship anything.
I don't wanna ship anything that's been processed or packaged, process anything that's been packaged or shipped, or package anything that's been shipped or processed.
A job like that is hard to find, so until I do, I figured I would just work full time making you happy.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

16. vegans, drug abuse, religion, not being a democrat, being married

age (3 years younger or upto 4 years older)...

[RetroLounge]

22. Deal breakers

Republican.

No books, or doesn't read.

Married

Packer Fan.

Owns more than 5 cats and is not on a farm.

Lives in another state.

Weighs more than I do. (Shallow, I know).

No curiosity, creativity or wonder.

RL

[ScreamingMeemie]

23. "Packer Fan"....

Alas, we are stuck as friends...for life, I hope.

[ThomCat]

24. Smoking, drinking, religion...

You know, all the things that people get addicted to. I can be very close friends with people who have addictive personalities, but I can't date someone with addiction problems.

[ScreamingMeemie]

25. Assuming I needed a date...

I guess bad attitudes, no sense of humor, extreme (i.e. heroin) drug use, child hater (I would come with baggage), Eagles fans, Cowboys fans, Cardinals fans, Bears fans... and people who lie.

[Guava Jelly]

26. if she said "Beat it ya troll" I don't think i could date her

[puerco-bellies]

27. Psych Majors

Every psych major I've had a relationship with has been a little crazier then me. Not that crazy is bad, but any relationship with two wacko's involved can be a little too "stimulating".

[idgiehkt]

53. i think you have something there.

Plus you will be analyzed to death all the time.

[demdiva]

56. along that line ...

for me architects. you have to be just a little bit off to get through architecture school.

[Evoman]

67. My ex-girlfriend, the psycho major, told me I had a type B personality and

every time she tried to get me mad (always testing me that one), I would ignore her lol. I think it drove her up the wall that our relationship didn't have enough problems in it.

[NMMNG]

74. Well la-dee-da

And I am not crazier than you!

[NewWaveChick1981]

28. Assuming I were in the market (which I'm not, but I have been before):

Smoking, excessive drug use, being a Repuke and/or fundie, being extremely anal retentive (maybe that's shallow, but I can't STAND it...), being narrow-minded, being nasty to other people when there is no reason to, being overly dependent/clingy/needy, bad attitude, and no sense of humor.

[hyde]

30. my potential partner can't be or have any of these things:

-a Smoker
-an excessive partier
-Cats
-selfish
-a liar
-a large SUV
-a repub
-clingy
-boring
-a mullet

I think that's about it.

[lildreamer316]

57. Cats? Oh, you're in trouble here!!

The Lounge just Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvs us some cats!!
Anyway, welcome to DU!!!

[bikebloke]

29. Many already mentioned

Smoking, drugging, excessive alcohol intake and repubalqaedans - beentheredonethat. But what really sends me rocketing towards the horizon are the ones who are following some made-for-TV script. One said, we've dated this long, so it's time to dress up and go to the Kennedy Center.

[Missy Vixen]

31. If I was still dating

I'd be wary of the following:

1. Anyone who starts a conversation 15 minutes after we've met with "my ex is such a ________ (pick the obscenity of your choice)." I realize that some exes are a huge problem. At the same time, it didn't fail me once during The Dating Years.

2. Can't laugh at themselves

3. Overly impressed with himself -- narcissistic, self-centered.

Julie

[Connonym]

34. Coinky-dink

I was just having this conversation with Oedi. Most of the same things as the rest of you.
- Republicanism
- Intolerant/prejudiced
- Bi (not from a homophobic standpoint but because I'm too neurotic to want a partner who likes parts I can't provide)
- Doesn't like my kids
- Religious
- Abusive of substance or people

[AngryAmish]

32. Someone who didn't have their own friends

If someone cannot maintain a friendly relationship for a period of years then their romantic attachments also would run shallow.

I don't trust people who only have friends from work. It is mercenary.

[ceile]

33. Talking too much

especially if it's about themselves.
-in a "band"
-brags about anything: money, schooling, car, etc.

[SlavesandBulldozers]

61. in a "band" heyo!

yeah. I'm "in a band", but I'll be damned if I'm gonna be THAT guy. it's not a bragging point, just a hobby really.

[Crazy Dave]

35. On the cell phone constantly....

...all night with other people meant a very short night and the last time we'd go out. I'd say something like "would you like me to take you and your phone home or drop you off somewhere where the two of you can be alone?"
Sure, a mom needing to check in on her kids or the kids calling her, but talking all night with different friends wondering where they are or they wondering where you are, etc.

[IronLionZion]

36. psychotic behavior, negativity, materialistic, narrow-minded,

controlling, manipulative, dishonest, overly dramatic, "touch-me-not", heavier than me,


The biggest deal breaker for me would be if she has a jealous ex. I don't want to play that game.


I would have no problem with her political, cultural, or religious views whatsoever. In fact I think someone different from me would make for some lively conversations. It's boring if you agree on everything.

[REP]

37. Having or Wanting Children; Living With Parents

Back when I was dating, #1 was the hardest; seems as though all those men who don't want kiddies are a myth! I did find one, and I've kept him for 14+ years!

[kwassa]

38. Incuriousity

A lack of curiousity about the world and things outside of their immediate lives.

Means there will never be interesting conversations, and I must flee! Flee! Can't be with someone I can't talk to.

[Broken_Hero]

40. Usually

the give/caring aspect of the woman...if she demands I pay for everything, like dinner, movies, her clothes...things like that, I take flight fast...at first, it isn't bad, its a part of dating, but I believe in the give/take of dating expenses. As for caring, if she is callous rude to other people, another huge flight warning for me...

Another one, craziness, deamoner, and ability to have a conversation...if I talk politics, and ask the woman "what do you think of X and Y?" and they respond by saying "nothing, whatever you think" thats another warning sign to me...having an intelligent conversation/debate with your SO is a big bonus in my book...

[Connonym]

41. clothing?

Women expect you to buy clothing when you date them? Seriously? I'll usually let a man pay for the first date if he feels strongly about it but after that I'm adamant about paying my own way. I can't even imagine expecting otherwise in this day and age.

[Broken_Hero]

42. yep, its happened quite a

bit in my dating life...like I'm nothing but an atm machine, when I realize thats what the relationship is, I take flight, and move on...

[crim son]

43. I won't date a man who:

smokes
is a fanatic dog lover
watches television sports more than two hours a week
has no sense of humor
is fearful
doesn't like to dance
wears baseball caps
is married
has a past lover whom he's "over" but who appears regularly in all conversations
is smaller than I am
protects himself at the expense of me, or my children, or anybody else for that matter
is jobless unless there's a damned good reason
has no penis. I like the penis

[taterguy]

44. why the hate for baseball caps?

Seriously, I wear them because they're comfortable and the visor eliminates sun glare, I hate wearing sun glasses. I'm asking out of curiousity, not because I want to date you since several other things on your list disqualify me.

[crim son]

47. lol, don't worry,

I wasn't suspecting you wanted to date me!

Umm, I guess it symbolizes something to me... a man who conforms, a man who probably has nothing in common with me. I also hate running shoes and cowboy boots. I'm odd. I don't care if somebody owns a cap or two, or if they wear them now and then. But if I go out at night (that is, no sun anywhere near and no cause in the world for head protection) and you approach me in your cap, I'll make a comment, as I would if you smelled of smoke. Last time I did that, by the way, the gentleman took off the cap, went outside and put it in his car. We danced all night.

Oh, and P.S. I hope my preferences don't offend. Look, I'm relatively skinny and small breasted which disqualifies me as a prospective mate for about 90% of men. Whaddya gonna do?

[Lydia Leftcoast]

54. Baseball caps are okay if you're actually doing some outdoor activity

But wearing a baseball cap indoors says, "Little boy who never grew up."

[Deja Q]

45. All they need do is beckon me over.

Don't ask why, but I do get intimidated. The reasons are more or less obvious, but I still live to talk about it.

[leftofthedial]

48. no sense of humor

republican (somewhat redundant with #1)

[skygazer]

49. Here's my list

1. Use of any drug other than marijuana (which I don't consider a drug anyway).

2. Dishonesty.

3. Shady dealings of any sort - any inclination toward the illegal (except for the aforementioned pot use).

I can put up with smoking and drinking (as long as the person has a job and is productive - I have no interest in supporting anyone). I can put up with a differing poliitical view even as long as they respect mine.

My caveats mostly come from spending several years with a liar, drug user/dealer and career criminal. Of all the bad qualities I've found in people, his were the worst. He's ruined lying, drug dealing, using criminals for me.

[Dukkha]

50. my instant disqualifications

dog fanatic
likes reality TV
watches MTV
listens to rap and/or country
regularly shops at Wal Mart
has no creativity
dresses like a skank
unrefined obnoxious demeanor
is a career obsessed work-a-holic

FORMER disqualifications killed by my girlfriend:
cannot be a divorcee
no children

[WritingIsMyReligion]

51. Neocon-ism. Any serious degree of religious.

Any offhand misogynist "jokes" that are supposed to be ha-ha funny.

A lack of a general sense of humor beyond that.

[Elidor]

52. So if I have a Playstation, I can't date you?

[demdiva]

55. self delete

[alarimer]

59. Smoking, Republicanism, proselytizing

extreme redneckism. I have to say I have only met one person who tried to convert me but it was clearly a non-starter.

Lying should be up there too. I went out with a guy for months before I found out he was still MARRIED. He told me he was divorced. Not quite. Stupid me wondered why I never got to meet his friends!!!

[Left Is Write]

60. Untreated alcoholism, chronic grumpiness, entitlement...

and any indicator, no matter how small, that he has significant control issues.

Another deal-breaker for me is very conservative politics and particularly an embracing of political positions that encourage turning women into second class citizens.

I can deal with someone whose politics don't exactly match mine, but for the greatest harmony, he should definitely be left of center.

However, Mr. LIW wouldn't like it if I started dating, so these issues aren't terribly important anymore.

[Mutley]

63. Lying, and excessive anger.

I can find a way to deal with almost anything else if I like someone enough. But I can't stand lying and anger.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

65. Here's my list:

Smoking
Right-wing politics
Fundamentalism or any other kind of rigid dogmatic insistance that everyone who doesn't share all their attitudes/beliefs/practices is stupid/immoral/devious/stubborn/callous, whatever
Lack of humor, often indicated by dead eyes
Sports fanaticism
Belief that a trophy house in the suburbs with two SUVs in the driveway is The Good Life
Can't talk about anything but work, sports, and the latest reality TV show
Can't take care of himself (If he lives on pizza and fast food, is still wearing faded shirts from high school, and can be smelled from three feet away--you think I'm exaggerating?)
Recreational arguing, i.e. arguing for the sake of arguing or trying to pick fights over trivia
Deficiency in basic courtesy (such as showing up an hour late to take me to a party because he's caught up in a really absorbing D&D session)
Lack of intellectual curiosity
Fear of stepping out of his comfort zone, the type who won't do something or go somewhere unfamiliar because he MIGHT fail it or MIGHT look stupid or "the guys" might laugh at him
Alcoholism (as suggested by such clues as having three Manhattans before dinner and another during--"No, I think I'll take the bus home, but thanks anyway"--or showing up drunk to pick me up)
Rudeness to service people
Racism (I once went out with a man who crossed the street because some black people were waiting at the light rail stop on the side of the street where we were walking)
Thinks that "real men" aren't interested in the arts

So it's not surprising that I'm single.

[Evoman]

70. Ha! I'm your perfect mate...cept I'm not single, lol.

I am absolutely none of the things on your list.

If it wasn't for my arrogance, I would be the perfect man

[Porcupine]

66. Illiterate, aliterate, ramen and pit bull no-culture, cell & i-pod borgs.

other warning signs.

"I'm in a band."- couldn't scare me faster with a skunk

"I let the dogs sleep in my bed."- too obvious for words.

"I want a man who knows where he's going."- buy a train set; they're more predictable and cheaper.

"Loves to travel"- Men are not Cruise Ships or walking ATM's.

"Living life to the fullest"- watching Oprah to the fullest.

"Likes motorcycles and jet ski's"-

"Must like horses"- bring a shovel; you know which end of the horse you're going to get to know.

and of course- "Must Love Jesus"

[MrScorpio]

68. Wooden legs

I'm a stem man

[Evoman]

69. Here are some of my deal breakers

a)Women who like to test me. I like to fail on purpose (not only because I feel like they are insulting my intelligence, but because I hate people who purposefully create problems for me).

b)Women who like to "have guys whipped". I absolutely refuse to be controlled or manipulated..and I hate it when people make jokes about me "needing a women to keep me in line". No, I don't, thank you. I like myself.

c)Women who disturb my peace. I'm a very relaxed person..I like to party every so often, but when I'm at home, I don't care for any drama. If you want drama, find someone elese. If you like to constantly party, find someone else.

d)Women who aren't hot. Yeah, so I'm shallow. Fucking sue me. I don't wanna date or marry someone who isn't physically appealing. I don't HAVE to settle, so why SHOULD I?

e)Overly-religious people or people who don't like sick humour.

f)People who aren't particularly horny...I needs me to bumpin' n grindin'. Lol...also, I probably wouldn't date someone who wouldn't have sex with me after two months of dating (or even that long).

On edit: For a lot of men, a women who can't cook is a deal breaker. I could give a damn..I cook a hell of a lot better than a lot of women. In fact, I prefer to cook, cause that means I don't have to wash the dishes (he who cooks should not wash the dishes...rule around my house).

[Lilith Velkor]

73. That's the same as me

Except I'm usually into men. Cheers.

[darkism]

72. Vegans and judgmental vegetarians n/t

[NMMNG]

75. Some major red flags

Neocons and other hateful types.
Radical religiosity.
Smoking.
Hard drug use (anything harder than pot) or heavy pot/alcohol use.
Anyone who is cruel to animals, children, the disabled or anybody else who cannot fully protect themselves.
Anyone who is rude to store/restaurant/business staff.
Greedy people.