Headlines About Yourself You Never Want To See:

[dorktv]

JP Candidate Has Embarrasing Run In With Pole At Polling Place

[Jamastiene]

1. Jamastiene died in Rockingham, NC

Hell, I live here in this red state hell right now, but I don't want to die here though. HELL, No. I want to die peacefully in my sleep in San Fran with my own kind.

[LostinVA]

59. "Husband Bucky Covington sang 'Amazing Grace' at the service."

[Jamastiene]

68. Oh dayum, I sure hope you DON'T go to

Hell when you die. You might take over. You would make a fine punisher. Wow, you just made that headline worse. I didn't think it was possible.

[LostinVA]

72. You know you LUUUUURVE him!!!

[Jamastiene]

73. Aaaaaaah!

*Jama sticks fingers in ears.* I can't hear you. I can't hear you.

[LostinVA]

76. Especially his curly mullett...

[Jamastiene]

78. Lalalalalallalaa

I can't hear you. I can't hear you.

[femmocrat]

2. Area teacher spent 50 years in the classroom!

She never could afford to retire because they kept cutting her health care benefits.

[MrScorpio]

3. Homeless vets in Newport News

n/t

[dorktv]

12. I thought that one was tragically true and another one for us Ds to fix

after Jan. 3.

[crim son]

4. "Bangor woman remarried in traditional ceremony."

Shoot me if I ever take another man seriously again in my life!

[Oeditpus Rex]

30. I feel for the copy editor

who writes "Bangor woman" in any hed.

[crim son]

46. Have you ever taken a look at the Bangor Daily News?

By the standard of that paper, my headline sparkles.

[Oeditpus Rex]

55. I haven't had the pleasure

But "Bangor woman" and "Bangor man" are running no-no jokes on copy desks throughout the U.S.

[crim son]

65. I don't doubt it.

http://www.bangordailynews.com /

Today's paper: "Lee Woman..." It's not the headline however. Not this time!

[Nicole]

5. Nicole wins millions in the lottery

When I win I don't want it published. Every distant relative & casual acquaintance I have will be calling for money.

[dorktv]

10. *calls you for money*

[Nicole]

19. *Phone has been disconnected*

[dorktv]

25. *curses in being thwarted in her plan for bumming money off of you for

a campaign*

[BarenakedLady]

6. "Crazy cat lady dies alone and penniless."

[Kutjara]

38. Don't forget...

..."and is eaten by her cats." The final ironies are always the most poignant.

[photogirl12]

7. Photogirl12 dies in freak tripod accident...n/t

[Road Scholar]

8. Local highway engineer dies, is buried on highway right of way.

[sarge43]

9. 63 Year Old Woman Gives Birth To Her First Child n/t

[WritingIsMyReligion]

11. Good one!

[sarge43]

34. Thanks

It is a cold sweat concept

[GOPisEvil]

13. Man discovered dead after stench alerts neighbors.

Well, technically, I'd be dead, but you get the point...

[WCGreen]

14. WCGreen wins republican nomination for House Seat....

[dorktv]

15. ew! I would cry at that one. You going to the Victory party in Phx?

[WCGreen]

16. My car won't make it.....

Nah, I'm gonna just stay home and watch and post...

I have been to too many victory parties to count...

But I just may head to Columbus for the evening...

[dorktv]

17. You just do not want to see me! What happened to our love?

[WCGreen]

18. Meet you halfway....

St. Louis....

[dorktv]

20. but that place is sticky...I will just have to wait then

[Aristus]

21. "Aristus Humiliated In Shakespeare Quoting Contest!"

[SOteric]

50. By Charo.

[Aristus]

67. "Charo makes amends to Aristus by calling him 'Cootchie'."

"Aristus is mollified."

[CaliforniaPeggy]

22. CaliforniaPeggy's Photos Entirely Fraudulent!

That would be awful..........

[struggle4progress]

23. Bush awards struggle4progress Presidential Medal of Freedom

[dorktv]

26. What did you mess up?

[struggle4progress]

28. If I told you, you'd have to kill me

[dorktv]

47. Who do you think I am? Bush?

[LeftyMom]

24. Shark adopts vegan diet: victim missing and presumed dead

[Starbucks Anarchist]

27. Starbucks Anarchist killed by Coffee-wielding Anarchists

Last words: "Damn you, Irony! Damn you to hell!"

[NMMNG]

29. Buffy dead at age 70; worked for 51 years in Human Services and

still made less than new employees at Whole Foods Market.

[Oeditpus Rex]

31. 'Local man compounds Python misquote

with grammar mistake"

[lildreamer316]

53. LOL!!! n/t

[Heidi]

32. Heidi bleeds to death during routine nose piercing.

[Evoman]

33. Man almost bleeds to death after a bicycling incident causes tesiticular

mutilation.

[Bunny]

35. Bunny Opens Sanctuary for Homeless Rats and Mice.

[Kutjara]

36. Local man confirms general opinion by failing to live up to potential.

[dorktv]

49. Are you an Onion writer?

[Guava Jelly]

37. GoPsUx drinks koolaide becomes republican

noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

[Kutjara]

39. Man with World's tiniest penis discovered.

Film at eleven.

[dorktv]

48. Now now, I am sure that is not true.

[rug]

40. Milford Man Found In Love Nest With Rep. Don Sherwood

[miss_american_pie]

45. Bwahahaha!

[RetroLounge]

41. Local Man Convicted for Bookstore Arson Spree

RL

[flvegan]

42. I don't dare even type it. It involves fire, my home and my animals.

'Nuff said.

[rug]

43. Backyard barbeque?

[flvegan]

44. "my" animals, not slaughtered feedlot animals

Maybe you missed that key word.

[SOteric]

51. This week on Jerry Springer: All of SOteric's old flames reminisce.

In a 3 part episode.

[lildreamer316]

52. "Local Stripper Swindled"

Aha. ha. ha.
Whoops, it's already happened.

[NewWaveChick1981]

54. "NewWaveChick1981 Gives Birth to Quintuplets"

Oh, and "NWC1981 Misplaces Winning Lottery Ticket; Loses Millions".

[dorktv]

56. I want to see the give birth to quints one...babies are cute.

[NewWaveChick1981]

60. Yeah, well.... you just keep wishing!

I couldn't handle one, let alone five... You willing to take them if that headline ever comes true????

[dorktv]

61. Since it looks like I cannot bear children...yes! :D

[NewWaveChick1981]

62. OK, then...

If I ever find myself in that predicament, I will call you first.

[Arkana]

57. Local Man Accidentally Posts In FYAD

'It Did Not Go Well', Says Unfortunate Victim

Anyone who recognizes the reference gets bonus points.

[Momgonepostal]

58. World Record Finally Broken, Area Woman is Fattest EVER!

[LostinVA]

63. Librarian dies in freak book-crushing accident

[TheMightyFavog]

64. UWSP Student Kills 100 with intestinal gas, UN weapons inspectors called in.

[dorktv]

66. um ew, that would be icky.

[NewJeffCT]

69. NewJeffCT among group sent to Gitmo for being criticizing High Chancellor Bush

or suffers rendition to Saudi Arabia

[dorktv]

70. Now that one will never happen and you know it. Bush would censor

the media.

[NewJeffCT]

71. well

we already have journalists locked up without access to a lawyer, charges, etc. (scroll down a bit to see the piece on Bilal Hussein: http://glenngreenwald.blogspot.com /)
sending folks to Gitmo is not too far off...

[dorktv]

77. See what I mean? He would censor the media...lots of ways of doing that

look at what Wilson did back in WWI.

[wildhorses]

74. wildhorses stampedes the white house and dumps a large

load of golden nuggets in the oval office


































on second thought I'm kinda PROUD of THAT headline

[sakabatou]

75. Lonely Otaku dies watching Anime

The anime in question: Azumangah Daioh and Cool Devices