You Get So Bitter Sometimes, It Just Makes Sense...

[RetroLounge]

God, every once in a while I get just so fucking bitter about my life and everything, I just want to scream...

The wife living upstairs / me living downstairs experiment is over, and she moved back into our house today after 6 months. (House didn't get one freaking offer the whole time.) And now it's time to try an actual separation, not one where she sits across the table from me every night at dinner. Not one where she comes down to my apartment and smokes. Not one where she comes down and naps in my bed. Not one where she eats my food, watches my DVD's, uses my computer, cooks in my kitchen, spends my money. A real separation. Pay your own way. stand on your own 2 feet. If you can't hack it, then I'll take the kids full time.

So not only am I paying mortgage($2000), and 2nd mortgate($300), and my rent here($900), and her rent upstairs($900) on an empty apartment until I can rent it out, and both car payments, and day care for 2 kids before and after school, and groceries, and smokes, and coffe, and clothes, etc., but the damn movers just cost me $600.00 and I was informed AFTER they had finished moving her into the house that she had no money and there they stand looking at me, so I ended up paying for that too. Fuck.

So let me see if I have this correct:

*She* has an affair with a female friend of mine.
*She* says she wants a divorce.
*She* says she doesn't love me anymore.
*She* asks me to move out. So I move and pay for movers.
*She* says she is gay and asks for my support. I give it.
*She* says she is actually Bi and asks for my support. I give it.
*She* says she has no idea now what she is and asks for my support. I still give it.
*I* pay for her to go to therapy at her request, she stops going.
*She* continuously lies to me.
*She* tells me the affair is over and there's no contact, but when she asks me to pay for her cell phone bill, I find 500 text messages between them, plus 100's of phone calls.
*She* goes on spending sprees and puts us further in debt.
*She* has no money and I voluntarily give her what amounts to the legal child support amount, 25% of my gross taken out of my net.
*I* sell my pair of 1958 oldsmobiles to pay off debt.
*I* cash in my retirement fund to pay off debt. She still hasn't got around to hers.
*I* sell my collections of 50's stuff to pay off debt.
*I* sell all my guitars (but one) to pay off debt.
*I* sell my jukeboxes, pinball machines, arcade games to pay off debt.
*She* moves in upstairs from me. I pay for the movers again. I pay her rent for the past 6 months.
*She* moves back to our house. I pay for the movers again.

I am broke, deeply in debt, a few months away from being in a position to lose my house, car, everything if I can't find a way to catch up on my bills. Yes, I am bitter. I'm bitter for being a chump, for trying to do the right thing, for allowing myself to be used, and for justifying everything by saying it's helping the kids that we remain a "normal" family, whatever the fuck that is... No. I am not a victim, I was a willing volunteer. and I have been screwed again...

Fuck. Me. I. Am. An. Idiot.

RL

p.s. apologies to Bukowski for the thread title...
p.s.s. Self pity much, RL? Sheesh...

[Starbucks Anarchist]

1. ...

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

2. Aww...shit man...

[lizziegrace]

3. RL

I don't have words. Just a shoulder (strong enough for just about any troubles) and

Doing the right thing can leave you bankrupt, but I cannot imagine you'd have done things any differently if you could go back in time.

Yes, you've been taken advantage of and yes, you allowed it. Now, where do you go from here? It's up to you, my friend.

Know that whatever you do, we'll be here to support you and not judge you.

[Guava Jelly]

4. dude....just..

you are not an idiot!!!
you are human!
and a good person!
And i am so sorry about your pain!

[Deja Q]

5. I really am sorry for you.

You're not an idiot. You're a damn decent human being who was abused by a fuckin' LOSER.

I can't blame you for being bitter.

You loved her so much you'd clearly do anything for her.

At this point, is no form of litigation possible? She has to stop being such a... wishy washy careless abuser and not make those mistakes. (everyone makes mistakes, but alcohol and spending are the worst. I used spending as a means to escape because I was never able to find the right person (and that's all I'm saying about that for now). I'm finally paid off and will not fall into that same trap,

Or you could do what IBM eventually did with OS/2 after they realized they lost too much money on it: Ditch it completely, swallow the loss, and never look back.

It's best not to look back. All that does is invite memories to haunt and to hurt. YOU are not worth it. She is worthy of that hell and needs a good kick in order to grow the fuck up. If litigation is possible, do it.

[bicentennial_baby]

6. This may be too late, but...

Kick. Her. To. The. Curb.

I'm serious....You don't need this...This isn't right... Fix it.

and I only say this b/c I love you so.

[kedrys]

7. Cut yourself some slack, RL

You're not an idiot...she's taking undue advantage of a good person who's trying to do the right thing for everyone.

Time you did the right thing for YOU for a change: cut her off, and get your finances straightened out before you don't have a roof over your head. It'll be hard at first, but it'll blow some fresh air into your brain and your life.

Any time you need to vent...

[eyesroll]

8. Jeez, Retro...

If this was 3 years from now, I could recommend a lawyer...but seriously, let me know if there's anything I can do.

[Callalily]

9. It's about time that you

start taking care of yourself. My advice? Start legal proceedings. It takes 180 days to get a divorce here in the state of Wisconsin. Until the gavel hits, you are responsible for any debt Mrs. RL incurs.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to walk away. But you can't help someone who will not accept help, who will not accept reality. Who will not accept responsibility.

No one can say that you didn't try. No one can say that you did not step up to the plate.

It should be all about you now . . . you and your kids.

And remember, we are all here for you! Feel our warmth, draw on our strength.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

29. She has certainly given you several grounds for divorce

Take them and file for divorce. She is messing with your head and sponging off you. What's the point in hanging on?

I KNOW it's hard to break up a relationship, even one that needs to be broken up.

But you have to save yourself, get your life back in order, get your self-esteem back in order, and be ready when a good woman comes along.

In the meantime, see what you can do to limit her access to credit, say, by taking her name off any joint credit cards. I don't know if this is possible in your case, but I recall seeing ads in the personals section of daily papers saying, "I will no longer be responsible for debts contracted without my signature."

In any case,

[Callalily]

39. Just as an fyi

Ads in the newspapers claiming "I'm no longer responsible . . . " hold no legal bearing. Additionally you can't take a spouses name of credit cards, or any other legal paper for that matter without their permission or a court order. That's why I suggest legal action and quick. RL must protect himself and his kids. That's all that's important right now.

[Shakespeare]

10. You have been more than accommodating.

I recently had to draw a line and say "no more" after having been through something similar (but a few degrees less dramatic) to what you've been going through. It's past time for you to consider your own well-being for a change, and salvage what you can while your life is still recoverable.

What you're going through--and about to go through still--sucks and will suck supremely, but if you've reached your tipping point (and it sounds like you have), you only go forward from here. That, ultimately will be very healing. Sometimes we forget to nurture ourselves while we're busy trying to save those around us. Take care of YOU for a change, RL.

[NewWaveChick1981]

11. Geez, RL....

That sucks BADLY. I don't have glowing words of wisdom for you---just empathy. I'm so sorry.

[Ellen Forradalom]

12. RL, even though I am arguably also The Wife from Hell

what you describe is...well....extreme. In my ever-so-useless opinion (not being in full possession of the facts), I'd say it were time to cut the cord. It is a fact that you feel like shit and you need to do something to feel better about your life. Start by reading the RL Appreciation Thread; it radiates love across the tubes of the Internets.

[hfojvt]

13. "Republicans have done to our budget

what William Hung did to 'She Bangs'."

Thought that might be good for a laugh.
Although it is sad too.
http://www.liberaloasis.com/2006/10/book_tour_all_over_...

[necso]

14. Sounds like you need a bouncy rhyme.

The Chieftains -- "Whiskey in the Jar":

As I was goin' over the far-famed* Kerry Mountains
I met with Captain Farrell, and his money he was countin'
I first produced me pistol, and I then produced me rapier
Saying stand and deliver, for you are a bold deceiver

Chorus:
Musha-ring-damma-doo-damma-dah
Whack fall the daddie-o
Whack fall the daddie-o
There's whiskey in the jar

I counted out his money, and it made a pretty penny
I put it in me pocket, and I took it home to Jenny
She sighed and she swore that she never would deceive me
But the devil take the women, for they never can be easy

Chorus

I went unto my chamber, all for to take a slumber
I dreamt of gold and jewels, and for sure it was no wonder
But Jenny drew me charge(s), then she filled them(!) up with water
Then sent for Captain Farrel to be ready for the slaughter

Chorus

'Twas early in the morning, just before I rose to travel
Up comes a band of thug-men and likewise Captain Farrel
I first produced me pistol, for she'd stolen away me rapier
But I couldn't shoot the water, so a prisoner I was taken

Chorus

Now there's some take delight in the carriages a'rollin'.
And others take delight in the hurley** and the bowlin'
But I take delight in the juice of the barley
And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early

Chorus

If anyone can aid me, 'tis me brother in the army
If I can find his station in Cork or in Killarney
And if he'll go with me, we'll go roamin'*** in Kilkenny
And I'm sure he'll treat me better than me own missporting Jenny

2x Chorus

*: This word sounds like "fig", perhaps meaning "state", "condition" (maybe more precisely "known condition"), ie, the state of being something... like being (far) famed.

**: Hurling.

***: Perhaps "rovin'" or "rollin"; I like "rollin'" best as it creates an image of an irresistible, inevitable force, like the tide.

...

In this version, there's no escape from jail (captivity), so the (ever hopeful) protagonist may well be waiting to be hung. (A small-money bribe to a guard could be the source of the whiskey -- that, or a last "meal".)

[supernova]

15. Oh man, that's so terrible, RL

Your wife sounds like an extremely mixed up person. and you're too great a guy for all this shit.

I do hope the bookstore works out for you. That would be terrific.

And I hate to say this. But at some point, you're going to have to cut her off. (Not your kids of course) But in order for her to learn to have some independence and responsibility for herself, you're going to have to refrain from supporting her financially.

I did the same to my ex. I realized that if I stayed in his life, even casually, two things would happen:

1) I would always feel responsible for him. I'm one of those overly responsible types to the point I neglect myself and my needs.

2) He would never learn to be responsible for himself. He would always rely on me to clean up his messes, usually financial, ..... just because he could.

So I walked away. I have no idea what he's doing now. He was a high school teacher the last time I checked and managing to stay with it. So, he finally learned he could be without me.

edit: Your wife needs to learn the same lesson.

[SeattleGirl]

16. Damn, RL. That just plain sucks!

But you are not an idiot; you are a good, decent caring man, who was, unfortunately, taken advantage of. I agree with the others; it is time for her to stand on her own two feet, to start taking some responsibility for HER life and HER choices. And it is time for YOU to start taking care of yourself. Please don't beat yourself up. You don't deserve that.

I'm here for you, RL. And so are many, many others on DU.

[querelle]

17. RL, You Are Not An Idiot

I went through the same thing last year with a partner who lied, cheated, and did every possible thing to me that would constitute emotional abuse. But I still loved him. I can't tell you why because I still don't know myself. What I can tell you is that since I told him to "take a hike", my life has been infinitely better. I really don't know what else to tell you, but I do offer you this poem. It's by Kipling. I read your poetry thread everyday and am always astonished by your selection. Well now it's your turn to read mine.

If
by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!


Q

[Dinger]

18. Who Could Blame You?

Damn, Retro. I thought I had it bad. I sure hope things get better for you, a lot better. You deserve it honey.

[miss_american_pie]

19. Sweetie

Are you ready to stop being the husband yet?

[bluethruandthru]

20. Judging by your post...

You seem to be moving in a positive direction! You see the problem clearly, now you can begin to work on it. The situation sucks big time and seems overwhelming. But, take baby steps... You have lots of support here. You're a good person and you'll make the right decisions.

[RevCheesehead]

21. Yup, she's got a pretty sweet deal going there.

When you've had enough, you're gonna stop enabling her.

All I'm going to say to you is "Get Thee to a counselor - a.s.a.p."

You know I love you. But Jesus - enough is enough.

[Kali]

22. Print out that list and tape it up by the phone, front door, wherever

you might be looking if she calls or comes around hunting for more.

I would worry about the precedent you have set in terms of finances and supporting her - talk to a lawyer. Yikes.

[crim son]

23. She's been given your support, your money and the benefit

of the doubt for long enough. Bad people happen to good people; I know. As much as you must care for her you're going to have to set her completely free, for better or for worse. Even when you're doing the right thing, it's wrong. I empathize and I wish there was something I could do to fix it.

[BarenakedLady]

24. Oh man I am sorry.

[ThomCat]

25. Damn.

It's time for some tough love. There have to be limits. You're being used.



Please put your foot down and separate your life from hers.

[Nicole]

26. You have plenty of reasons to be bitter

Go ahead & scream. Let it out & then let her go. ALL of her!

You've been far more patient & understanding than most people I know. It's time for her to stand on her own 2 feet & live with the choices she made.

[Mutley]

27. I'm sorry, man.

[Haole Girl]

28. Your description reminds me, once again, why...

...I made my husband promise to wait at least 5 years after I die before he will remarry.

[idgiehkt]

30. I am so sorry

I know there is really nothing anyone can say or do to make it better, but if there was, I would try.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

31. You are not an idiot...

But it is time that you get an attorney. Good luck.

Duckie

[mike_c]

32. cut your losses dude....

I'm sorry-- I've been there and I know how hard it can be, but the best thing for BOTH of you is to stop playing these games and get on with the rest of your lives. If that includes a continued relationship, then that will have to shake itself out of the wreckage, but you are not giving it a chance to do that by being such a stand up guy now. You're only prolonging a miserable time for both of you. Break it off. Get a lawyer, urge her to get one, and if the two of you want to continue talking, get a mediator too. Stop doing what your heart urges and start using your head. When people get to this point they need distance in order to gain perspective. Take a road trip. Get out of the immediate situation. She needs head space too.

I'm very sorry for both of you. Like I said, I've been there. It sucks. But there are things you can do that will either prolong the suckitude or minimize it, as much as it can be minimized. Usually we need outside advice to make rational decisions in situations like this. Get some good advice soon.

[grasswire]

33. are you sure about that child support amount?

25 percent of your gross income? Is that the standard these days?

[skygazer]

47. Yes indeedy

I just got done paying that amount for over 5 years. Came to over 600 a month for one child. They don't mess around with child support these days.

[reyd reid reed]

34. Oh, RL...

You're not an idiot. You're a loving, generous, gentle soul who wants to help. Who wants to do the right thing.

I'm so sorry.

[haf216]

35. I'm so sorry .

You don't sound like an idiot, just and good guy trying to help someone who is beyond help.

[tigereye]

36. ah

hey. Wishing you well.

[Blue_Tires]

37. i don't even know what to say

other than i hope you get things straightened out

[Blue_Tires]

45. kick because my life is also mired in the suckitude

nt

[xchrom]

38. this too shall pass.

Yet here, Laertes! Aboard, aboard for shame!
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay'd for.
There ... my blessing with thee!
And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledg’d comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel but, being in,
Bear't that th' opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgement.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man;
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower, nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell; my blessing season this in thee!

-- William Shakespeare

[wildhorses]

40. just know this--it happens to women, too

both my husbands left me with incredible debt, not to mention the verbal and physical abuse that they thought constituted holy matrimony

What on earth is going on in my heart
Has it turned as cold as stone
Seems these days I don't feel anything
Less it cuts me right down to the bone
What on earth is going on in my heart

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my

What on earth is going on in my head
You know I used to be so sure
You know I used to be so definite
Thought I knew what love was for
I look around these days and I'm not so sure

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my you know I just can't win
I burn it down it comes right back again
What kinda world is this we're living in
where you never win
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love these days
To keep your heart from freezing
To keep your spirit free

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my it just don't stop
My oh my it just don't stop
My oh my it just don't stop

my oh my~david gray

[Dangerously Amused]

41. Let her go, babe.

It's not about her anymore. You need to survive.

[philosophie_en_rose]

42. Bitterness is a signal from the soul.

I think you're amazing for being so supportive, but setting clear boundaries will save you so much grief in the future. If you have a formal, legal separation, be sure to disentangle your debt from hers. Don't be a party to any more shopping sprees.

I feel bad for your ex, because she seems so confused. But you can't really help her by enabling her bad habits. And you certainly shouldn't be the one to pay for them anymore.

[Deja Q]

44. The ex needs to make a decision and stick with it.

All she's doing is hurting others. Which includes herself, even if she can't fathom it at the time.

[nini]

43. Sorry, but she sounded selfish from the beginning

I know I sound like a real snot saying that, but it was tough to see you pour your heart and soul out to her as she tried to 'find' herself all the while you were broken hearted and everything you loved in life fell apart. I hate people who decide their lives have to take another direction, yet pull those from their past with them - never allowing them to heal. They end up destroying those who go out of their way to help them.

Anyone that takes advantage of a kind, loving soul such as yourself is not worth your time. I hope you move on and find a woman who truly deserves the love you can give them.

Take you own advice and cut her off and make her stand on her own two feet, then and only then will you be able to fix your own life now. Until you do that you will never be at peace with yourself - something you and your kids truly deserve.


Hang in there.

[skygazer]

46. Oh, RL, you are not an idiot

You're a good man trying to do the right thing. But I think it's time to rethink what the right thing is. You're not doing your kids any favors by going to the poorhouse, nor are you by submitting yourself to the stress you're under right now.

You've tried to help your ex but she's not reciprocating AT ALL.

It sounds like you need to file for divorce and get her expenses off your balance sheet. She needs to grow the fuck up and take some responsibility for her life - and you know what? I think you need to tell her that. She's trying to live like a single person with no responsibilities while you carry all the weight. That's not fair especially when you've been so supportive.

I wish you all the best. You have been such an incredible guy through all this.

[JVS]

48. I'd opt for the "less supportive" route

[Redstone]

49. Not self-pity, RL. righteous anger. But you let it happen, didn't you?

You gotta get tough and cut everything off. It ain't easy, but you MUST do it.

Yes, I've been there. So trust me on this.

Redstone

[Ellen Forradalom]

50. Stated in a way

that may relieve some of the pressure building up in your head, RL:

People need limits. Everyone, children and adults too. She is testing, and you are giving, and it serves no one. You would do her a courtesy by saying, "This and no more." Let her know what the parameters of the situation are. It's the loving thing to do because it's the healthy thing for you, the kids, and for the woman you thought well of enough to make Mrs. RL.

[Redstone]

53. I've done that. But I thank you EVER so much for that post, which

contains so much distilled wisdom...

Redstone

[EFerrari]

51. Ditto and I'll tell you my thinking.

I've been supportive of my husband for twelve years. But his last round of exploding our lives brought me to this conclusion: There is a difference between being supportive -- even in unusual and extreme circumstances -- and enabling anti-social behavior.

Ripping people off is anti social behavior.

Hurting people who love and support you is anti social behavior.

Lighting out on your financial responsibilities is anti social behavior.

Abandoning your kids or pets emotionally, physically or financially is anti social behavior.

I can't enable that and sleep at night.

So, no matter how much I love my husband, he's never coming back here. If he manages to change that behavior, I might offer off site support to him. But until then, I wish him well and my door is closed.

[Redstone]

52. A strong stance. But perhaps one that is necessary.

Hang in there with that stance, and be strong.

Redstone

[EFerrari]

54. Have to. The alternatives are downright destructive for everyone.

Take care, my friend. It's been about ten weeks here. Still painful but trending a little more manageable.

[speedoo]

55. RL: GET A LAWYER. NOW!!!

You have to protect yourself and your kids.

I just hope you can find a good lawyer quickly enough to salvage something from this.