EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! A TARANTULA just went behind my Warhol print.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

What do I do? It's HUGH!!!!1!!!! I'm series!!!!1111!!

I need a man or somebody way butcher than me to come and kill it.

[Goblinmonger]

1. Screw that

you're on your own. Spiders freak me out. My wife might take care of it, though. When it comes to bugs, she is WAY more butch than I.

[MrCoffee]

2. a New Jersey Tarantula...

you're totally on your own. i'll be glad to shriek in terror with you, though.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

7. The thing is at least the size of a half-dollar. It's a tarantula to me.

Definitely too big of a spider to belong in a house in NJ.

[Call Me Wesley]

3. Kill it?

Can't you find someone who set the poor thing free?

[MrCoffee]

6. Kill it! it's a GIANT SPIDER!

set the apartment on fire. it's your only hope.

[Call Me Wesley]

8. It's a sentient being.

Just a little animal that might look creepy.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

10. Well, I'm currently babysitting my 87yo grandmother.

She's not going to be much help in killing it or capturing it, even though I saw her attack someone effectively with a cane yesterday, since the spider is upstairs.

The house is surrounded by miles of woods. They are free to live out there. Inside, all bets are off.

[idgiehkt]

57. ooh, I wanna hear about the cane attack

Did you post a thread about that?

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

60. Oddly enough, I didn't.

Yesterday was my neice's 5th birthday party. My grandmother is an pretty evil old woman. Anyway, there were about 25 people gathered around the table, getting ready to sing "Happy Birthday" when my grandmother got pissed at my aunt for "looking at her funny." Then, my aunt started to laugh. My grandmother started punching my aunt in the arm, and then started wailing on her legs with the metal cane. She caused a decent-sized bruise. I stood there and laughed uncontrollably. Everyone else pretended like it wasn't happening.

[mainegreen]

4. Attach a fly to the end of fishing line. Attach fishing line to end of pole.

Lure spider out door with tempting meal of fly held safely away from your face.

[Shakespeare]

5. Evacuate the house immediately. It is no longer habitable.

God, I hate those things. They terrify the shit out of me.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

12. I'm seriously not scared of any other animal.

I've been within 10' of a bear, snorkled with sharks, love pythons. Spiders freak me the fuck out.

[Shakespeare]

20. Me, either.

Love bugs, frogs (I really, really love frogs), lizards, snakes.....anything but spiders. My theory is that I had some sort of traumatic crib encounter with a spider, because I've been terrified of them my entire life.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

24. I had one bite my face while I was sleeping.

It took months for the bite to go away. I still have a permanent mark on my cheek.

[Shakespeare]

26. That'll do it.

Spider bites are bad, bad, bad.

[Arugula Latte]

46. I agree...Snakes, bats, rats -- fine.

Spiders -- HOLY SHIT!!!

[ThomCat]

9. I'd catch it for you if I was there.

It's only fair. You've offered to protect me from vicious assholes, so the least I can do is get a spider out of your house.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

14. Deal.

Vicious assholes are way less scary than spiders, at least to me. Vicious assholes have never bitten my face while I was sleeping.

[redqueen]

11. Ah they're mostly harmless.

Just don't panic... scoop it into a big jar and take it to a petshop or somethin.

Does this make me butch? I don't wanna be butch. I like butch, but I don't wanna be it.



Wait ... it's not a tarantula? Just squish it... as long as it's not a jumper it shouldn't be too tricky.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

18. It could be anywhere behind that print.

It might get on me. That will not be good. Trust. Me.

[redqueen]

19. Got any of those adult diapers?

Just put one o' those on, get you some oven mitts and a spatula, and you're set!

[MrCoffee]

39. a JUMPER?!?

that's so not helpful.

[redqueen]

40. Gets the blood goin, though!

[NewWaveChick1981]

13. I'm not butch, but I'll kill it for you.

And I won't even get grossed out or anything.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

15. Okay, I'll hide behind you and jump and shriek when you do it.

[NewWaveChick1981]

16. Deal!

[bicentennial_baby]

17. wuss!

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

21. I know...

I can't help it. Hold me.

[bicentennial_baby]

22. Ok, but only after I free the poor creature...

[SteppingRazor]

23. Sorry, can't help you...

I've swam with barracudas (wanted to), run through a swarm of bees (had to), and killed a rattlesnake with a stick (fight-or-flight reaction. Probably didn't have to.), but I can't deal with spiders.

I used to just have someone else kill'em, until I moved to Missouri for college, where brown-recluse spiders are as common as the typical garden spider. Once there, I learned to at least throw a shoe with some precision.

Your problem, though, is probably someone's pet -- tarantulas aren't native to the Northeast.

Ahem. Not that that helps you much.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

27. I'm just joking about the tarantula part. It is the BIGGEST DAMN SPIDER

I've ever seen in Jersey though.

[supernova]

25. Get a glass jar and some cardstock paper

Move the Warhol print till you can see the spider. Carefully. You don't want to upset the thing.

Put the jar down over the spider.... You can do this slowly or fast, depending on if the spider is aggitated.

Insert the card under the glass to cover the bottom opening and trap the spider inside.

Take the thing outside and let it loose.

[SteppingRazor]

28. Um... if you're terrified of spiders...

that is SOOO much easier said than done

[supernova]

29. But this way you don't

have to touch it or otherwise kill it. And she's alone w/ her grandma.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

31. This is so not going to work for me.

I'm currently hoping that it stays behind that thing for the next couple hours. Eventually, my stepdad will come home and he kills these things. I'll take care of beehives because he's allergic and he'll take care of spiders because I'm petrified.

[Shakespeare]

30. That is correct.

Because you put yourself in the position of letting the spider get on you. And if the spider gets on you, one of two things will happen: One, the spider will kill you, or, two, you will have heart failure and die. And then there's that third possibility: if you let the spider get away, then it will, with 100 percent certainty, get into your bed and kill you in your sleep.

[Pithlet]

54. Exactly.

I call my husband home from work or wherever he is, if he isn't home, so he can take care of it for me

[MrCoffee]

32. worst. advice. ever.

"move the warhol print" your hand would be near the GIANT SPIDER. no dice.

"till you can see the spider" - oh my god, no.

"if the spider is agitated"...holy hell, if the fucker is agitated, i'm running my ass off.

all of this involves getting near the GIANT SPIDER. again. no dice.

[supernova]

41. Then live with the spider,

Bear in mind, the spider is just as anxious to avoid you and you are to avoid it. Despite how big this one appears to be. Most spiders are loners and just want to be left alone.

If you're alone with a spider, you have a choice: Deal with your fear and get rid of the spider, or live with the fear and the spider.

[Midlodemocrat]

33. I would say your only choice at this point is to burn the house down.

I'm sorry, but I don't see any other way out.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

36. I'd be really hard explaining that one away.

Anyway, the thing is staying behind Andy for now. Hopefully, it will stay there until my stepdad comes home from work. If it was on a horizontal surface, at least I could sic Dr. Gonzo or one of the cats on it.

[MrCoffee]

34. Here's what you do...

1. Giant can of Aqua Net
2. Disposable lighter

Ignite lighter. Hold at arm's length, about a foot from the GIANT SPIDER. Aim giant can of Aqua Net at general area where GIANT SPIDER is, with the lighter held between the giant can of Aqua Net and the GIANT SPIDER. Depress nozzle. Continue eradication procedure until the fire department arrives.

[miss_american_pie]

35. Vacuum, longest attachments you have

and suck it up.

Or, if you have a four year old nearby, get him to smack it with a shoe while you run screaming like a girl.

[RetroLounge]

48. LOL

RL

[ThomCat]

37. Any either of your bearded dragons awake and hungry?

If you can knock that spider down off the wall they might enjoy a snack.

Am I wrong in remembering that most lizards eat insects?

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

38. Always, except it'd fall behind furniture.

It's too tight a squeeze for the lizards big enough to eat this thing.

[radwriter0555]

42. Leave the door open for 10 minutes and he'll leave. But you have to leave

the room too.

Then close the door and he won't be able to get back in.

Works EVERY time!

[NewJeffCT]

43. just don't go to sleep

you'll wake up & it will be like the ending of "Kingdom of the Spiders"...

[La Lioness Priyanka]

44. i would kill your spider...or atleast remove it

though i am neither manly or butch

[In_The_Wind]

45. did it look like this

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

47. Well, it's not really a tarantula, just way too fucking big to be in NJ.

It's black and bigger than that.

[Starbucks Anarchist]

49. I'm kind of a man, but I'll kill it for you.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

50. Crisis Averted. It stayed behind the print. My stepdad killed it.

When he lifted up the frame and saw the spider even he yelled, "Holy shit! That's HUGE!"

[Call Me Wesley]

51. Om mani padme hum.

Safe passage, little spider.

[liontamer]

52. I'm surprised no members of your zoo wanted to tackle it

but next time, I'd be willing to trap it for you.

[KitchenWitch]

53. I am taking your lesbian card and your copy of the gay agenda away

for wanting a man!

[Dukkha]

55. does it look like my beloved pet Lucy?

who's technically not a tarantula
she's a Goliath Bird Spider

[seemunkee]

58. What do you feed that thing?

[Dukkha]

59. crickets & live mice

usually takes her a day to fully consume one

[Sugar Smack]

56. You should hop on the kitchen chair and start twitching.

That would work! Besides, spiders can't climb kitchen chairs.