Democratic Underground Latest Greatest Lobby Journals Search Options Help Login
Google

anyone kindly enough to proof read my paper??

Printer-friendly format Printer-friendly format
Printer-friendly format Email this thread to a friend
Printer-friendly format Bookmark this thread
This topic is archived.
Home » Discuss » The DU Lounge Donate to DU
 
bufffbison Donating Member (384 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-09-06 09:57 PM
Original message
anyone kindly enough to proof read my paper??
i'm so sorry to ask you guys to proof read my paper, but its getting late and i have no one else who i can call up this late to proof read it. (i typically send my stuff to the writing center at my college to be reviewed but since this paper is due at noon tomorrow its not likely they'll review it.) i know many of you are up 24/7 and would love a great read anyway(not!)

To whomever reviews it, i'm concerned about grammar, topic development, and organization of information. so if you could concentrate on that or see other errors, please let me know! thanks!

so thanks again who ever proofs read it. i greatly appreciate it! thanks!



The aim of this investigation is to illustrate in comparison to women, mens sensitivity to stereotyping keeps them from seeking medical treatment. To illustrate this idea, consider the recent article Stereotypes keep depressed men from care (2006). The article states stereotypes such as real men dont need help tend to shy depressed men away from medical treatment. Men tend to believe they must show their masculinity and it may be questioned if they seek help. To avoid ones masculinity to be questioned, men tend to act out by anger, rage, self-medicate, and risky behavior when theyre depressed Stereotypes keep depressed men from care (2006). The stereotypical real men dont need help image may make some men denial of their depression and may make it more difficult for men to identify symptoms of depression.

According to a research study that was conducted, of all depressed adults over the age of 60, men have a higher suicidal rate compared to women (Hinton, Zweifach, Oishi, Tang, & Untzer, 2006). The results were rate of completed suicide among American men aged 65 and older is nearly 32 per 100,000, compared with about four per 100,000 for women in the same age group, (Hinton, et al., 2006). This may be the result of men tendencies to react differently to depression than women. As quoted in the article, Stereotypes keep depressed men from care (2006), men less often express common symptoms of depression, such as depressed mood or sadness, and may actively try to conceal or mask their depression, whereas women tend to be more open about their depressed mood.

One explanation for this illustration may be how we perceive gender roles of men and women in society. Stereotypes often dictate what genders should and shouldnt do and sometimes become in conflict if someone breaches that stereotypical role. (Jones, 2002). Another explanation is men are often expected to hold their feelings in and to deal with the problems on their own rather than seeking help. In comparison, women are expected to seek attention if they experience the need for help (Jones, 2002).

Few insights were learned from this investigation. First, older men are sensitive to stereotypical roles and often hold in feelings for fear their masculinity may be questioned. Second, depressed elderly men who hold in their feelings are less likely to seek help, and are at higher risk of committing suicide than those who do seek help. Third, stereotypical gender roles do have an impact by keeping depressed men from seeking medical care. In conclusion, the investigation indicates there is a correlation between men not seeking help and gender stereotypes. By which will take a society willing to accept men seeking help, as normal.

References

Hinton, Ladson., Zweifach, Mark., Oishi, Sabine., Tang, Lingqi., Untzer, Jrgen. (2006, October). Gender Disparities in the Treatment of Late-Life Depression: Qualitative and Quantitative Findings From the IMPACT Trial. American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, 14: 884-892.

Jones, Melinda. (2002). Social psychology of prejudice (pp. 36-37, 90, 100). New Jersey: Pearson Education

Stereotypes keep depressed men from care. (2006, October). Reuters Health-Yahoo. Retrieved October 9, 2006, from http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20061003/hl_nm/depressed_men...
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
Boojatta Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-09-06 10:53 PM
Response to Original message
1. I'll just do a bit
Edited on Mon Oct-09-06 10:54 PM by Boojatta
To illustrate this idea, consider the recent article Stereotypes keep depressed men from care (2006). The article states stereotypes such as real men dont need help tend to shy depressed men away from medical treatment.

Perhaps you could say "The article states that stereotypes...." Initially it sounds as though you are saying that the article is trying to get us to believe stereotypes.

The way you used "shy" as a verb there also seems awkward.

To avoid ones masculinity to be questioned

That sounds very awkward. How about something like this: "To prevent one's masculinity from being questioned..."

This may be the result of men tendencies to react differently to depression than women.

Do you mean "male tendencies"? The word "differently" goes with "from" and not "than." Maybe you want to say something like this: "This may result from the way men react to depression, which is different from the way that women react to depression."

Stereotypes often dictate what genders should and shouldnt do and sometimes become in conflict if someone breaches that stereotypical role.

"Sometimes become in conflict" sounds awkward.

Few insights were learned from this investigation.

Those words suggest that you wish to emphasize the smallness of the number of insights learned. Do you mean something like "A few insights..." or "Some insights..."? I even have a bit of trouble with the combination of words: "learn insights." I would think that one learns facts and that one acquires insights.

By which will take a society willing to accept men seeking help, as normal.

That looks like a sentence fragment, not a complete sentence. What's the verb "take" doing there? Perhaps you mean something like this: "For this problem to be resolved, society must accept that it is normal for men to need to seek help"? However, that might not work very well in context. It is, however, an actual sentence.

Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-09-06 10:54 PM
Response to Original message
2. Hmmm....
Edited on Mon Oct-09-06 10:54 PM by Rabrrrrrr
My very first question/impression from reading this is, "From where did you copy these sentences?"

First, older men are sensitive to stereotypical roles and often hold in feelings for fear their masculinity may be questioned. Second, depressed elderly men who hold in their feelings are less likely to seek help, and are at higher risk of committing suicide than those who do seek help. Third, stereotypical gender roles do have an impact by keeping depressed men from seeking medical care.


These are the only three sentences that not only are without grammatical error, but are also somewhat complex in their syntax. Meaning no offense - these might very well have been written by you, but compared to the rest of the paper, they stand out. If I were a professor or teacher, my warning bells would go off and I would think, "Hmm... this student didn't cite where he plagiarized these sentences from".

As to some other helps: "I" is always capitalized. Putting it in lower case was okay for ee cummings, but by anyone else it's an ugly affectation.

It's also a very short paper - perhaps your professor wanted you to do one this short, but in general, for a research paper, this is very, very short.

So, here we go:

The aim of this investigation is to illustrate in comparison to women, mens sensitivity to stereotyping keeps them from seeking medical treatment.

You have two sentence fragments jammed together. Perhaps you meant "The aim of this paper is to investigate how men's sensitivity to stereotypes (and you should declare what kind of stereotype you are talking about: social, cultural, from women, American, European, etc.) keeps them from seeking medical attention in comparison to how stereotypes affect women's seeking of medical treatment."

To illustrate this idea, consider the recent article Stereotypes keep depressed men from care (2006).

Cite where it came from, and quote it properly - I bet the article title is capitalized like a title is supposed to be. Also, this sentence is confusing to the reader -- you make the first implication that, perhaps, you are going to offer an illustration. But then, you immediately tell the reader that it's his or her responsibility to consider an article to come up with their own illustration.

The article states stereotypes such as real men dont need help tend to shy depressed men away from medical treatment.

I don't think "shy" can be used in this way -- you could say "tend to cause depressed men to shy away from"

Men tend to believe they must show their masculinity and it may be questioned if they seek help.

What is "it"? Questioned by whom? Who is the group of people the man is afraid will offer questions? Can you cite a study that shows that "men tend to believe", or is that just your opinion?

To avoid ones masculinity to be questioned, men tend to act out by anger, rage, self-medicate, and risky behavior when theyre depressed Stereotypes keep depressed men from care (2006).

You have changed subjects: you have gone from "one" to "men". The final quote makes absolutely no sense - I assume you are trying to show that, perhaps, the first quote came from the paper/article you are tyring to cite in the second quote?


The stereotypical real men dont need help image may make some men denial of their depression and may make it more difficult for men to identify symptoms of depression.

People don't "denial", they "deny" -- and what is "it" in "may make it more difficult"? Try this rewrite: "The stereotypical "real men don't need help" image may make some deny their depression, and may make identifying symptoms of depression in men more difficult."

And I'll do the first sentences of your second paragraph, but then I gotta call it quits:

According to a research study that was conducted, of all depressed adults over the age of 60, men have a higher suicidal rate compared to women (Hinton, Zweifach, Oishi, Tang, & Untzer, 2006).

The way you wrote this, you are claiming that a research study has been on done all depressed adults over the age of 60. In the second part, say "suicide rate", not "suicidal rate". You also really don't need to say "study that was conducted" -- having been conducted is implied in saying it was a research study. So you could say "A research study by (so and so) shows that among depressed adults over age 60, men have a higher suicide rate than women".

Hope that all helps!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
alcibiades_mystery Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-09-06 11:26 PM
Response to Original message
3. Let me ask you a question
(and I do this for a living...I'm not trying to be mean, but to get a sense of the writing issues you face): Is English a second langauge for you?

I'm not saying that the paper looks like a typical ESL paper. In some ways it does; in some ways it doesn't. There are a number of factors that could contribute to the way you write, and could explain some of the problems in that piece. If I know what's going on, I'll have a better sense of how to assist you.

Also, if the people at your writing center are simply reviewing and re-writing your sentences for you (as you seem to be asking people here to do), they are not doing you any favors. It is the worst sort of pedagogy and is strictly forbidden in any writing center worth its salt. Next time you go to the writing center, ask the tutor to explain the errors, then go home and practice model sentences that avoid such errors. That's the only way you will ever STOP making such errors. I'd also advise other posters here NOT to re-write your sentences for you if they want to avoid hurting your development.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-10-06 11:36 AM
Response to Reply #3
9. I'm with you - that was my thought, too - maybe an ESL.
Or high school. But the poster said college.

Though it doesn't have quite the consistency in errors that an ESL can often have; and the errors don't seem to relate to any other language's syntax.

And I agree - the OP really needs a tutor and some instruction in English, not just rewriting. It's bad enough that editing isn't gonna help.

Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-09-06 11:36 PM
Response to Original message
4. Run on sentences or they seem like it in the beginning
Starting paragraph doesn't give an introduction to the story you are trying to tell
in a historical perspective enough for me.

some of your findings are questionable
made on a slight logical references without enough meat.

Is this a college paper? How many pages are required?




Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
lavenderdiva Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-09-06 11:52 PM
Response to Original message
5. here's what I would suggest:
these are my suggested changes:

The aim of this investigation is to illustrate how, in comparison to women, mens sensitivity to stereotyping keeps them from seeking medical treatment. To illustrate this idea, consider the recent article Stereotypes keep depressed men from care (2006). The article states that stereotypes such as real men dont need help tend to shy depressed men away from medical treatment. To avoid ones masculinity being questioned, men tend to act out by anger, rage, self-medicate, and risky behavior when theyre depressed (Stereotypes keep depressed men from care (2006) ). The stereotypical real men dont need help image may make some men deny their depression and may make it more difficult for them to identify symptoms of depression.

According to a research study that was conducted, of all depressed adults over the age of 60, men have a higher suicide rate compared to women (Hinton, Zweifach, Oishi, Tang, & Untzer, 2006). The results were rate of completed suicide among American men aged 65 and older is nearly 32 per 100,000, compared with about four per 100,000 for women in the same age group, (Hinton, et al., 2006). This may be the result of men 's tendencies to react differently to depression than women. As quoted in the article, Stereotypes keep depressed men from care (2006), men less often express common symptoms of depression, such as depressed mood or sadness, and may actively try to conceal or mask their depression, whereas women tend to be more open about their depressed mood.

One explanation for this illustration may be how we perceive gender roles of men and women in society. Stereotypes often dictate what genders should and shouldnt do , and sometimes become conflicted if someone breaches that stereotypical role. (Jones, 2002). Another explanation is that men are often expected to hold their feelings in , and to deal with the problems on their own , rather than seek help. By comparison, women are expected to seek attention , if they experience the need for help (Jones, 2002).

A few insights were learned from this investigation. First, older men are sensitive to stereotypical roles and often hold in their feelings , for fear their masculinity may be questioned. Second, depressed elderly men who hold in their feelings , are less likely to seek help, and are at a higher risk of committing suicide than those who do seek help. Third, stereotypical gender roles do have an impact , by keeping depressed men from seeking medical care. In conclusion, the investigation indicates that there is a correlation between men not seeking help and gender stereotypes. Society needs to be willing to accept men who do choose to seek help. By shedding the old patterns for new ones, and encouraging men to reach out for help, we will set standards by which both men and women can be equally served best.

References

Hinton, Ladson., Zweifach, Mark., Oishi, Sabine., Tang, Lingqi., Untzer, Jrgen. (2006, October). Gender Disparities in the Treatment of Late-Life Depression: Qualitative and Quantitative Findings From the IMPACT Trial. American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, 14: 884-892.

Jones, Melinda. (2002). Social psychology of prejudice (pp. 36-37, 90, 100). New Jersey: Pearson Education

Stereotypes keep depressed men from care. (2006, October). Reuters Health-Yahoo. Retrieved October 9, 2006, from http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20061003/hl_nm/depressed_men ...


**********************************************************

I hope this helps you. Please note that these are just my suggestions- The changes I have made, I marked in bold. I have made some adjustments to the punctuation as well, and those are hard to see, even in bold.

It sounds like a great paper, and I wish you all the luck with it!! Please let us know how it goes for you!!

:hi:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
p12psicop Donating Member (43 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-09-06 11:54 PM
Response to Original message
6. here's your rewrite
The aim of this investigation is to illustrate in comparison to women, mens sensitivity to (how) stereotyping keeps them from seeking medical treatment. To illustrate this idea, consider the recent article Stereotypes keep depressed men from care (2006). The article states stereotypes such as real men dont need help tend to shy (away depressed men from...)depressed men away from (seeking) medical treatment. Men tend to believe they must show their masculinity and it may be questioned (by whom?) if they seek help. (awkward) men tend to act out by anger, rage, self-medicate, and risky behavior when theyre depressed(.) Stereotypes keep depressed men from care (2006) . The stereotypical <--overused word "stereotypical real men dont need help image may make some men denial of their depression and may make it more difficult for men to identify symptoms of depression.

According to a research study that was conducted , of all depressed adults over the age of 60, men have a higher suicidal rate compared to women (Hinton, Zweifach, Oishi, Tang, & Untzer, 2006). The results were rate of completed suicide among American men aged 65 and older is nearly 32 per 100,000, compared with about four per 100,000 for women in the same age group, (Hinton, et al., 2006). This may be the result of men<'s> tendencies to react differently to depression { instead of "than"} than women. As quoted in the article, Stereotypes keep depressed men from care (2006), men less often express common symptoms of depression, such as depressed mood or sadness, and may actively try to conceal or mask their depression, whereas women tend to be more open about their depressed mood.

One explanation for this illustration may be <'demonstrated in the way that' rather than 'how'> how we perceive gender roles of <'for' rather than "of"> men and women in society. Stereotypes often dictate what genders should and shouldnt do and sometimes become in conflict if someone breaches that stereotypical role. (Jones, 2002). Another explanation is men are often expected to hold their feelings in and to deal with the problems on their own rather than seeking help. In comparison, women are expected to seek attention if they experience the need for help (Jones, 2002).

Few insights were learned from this investigation. First, older men are sensitive to stereotypical roles and often hold in feelings for fear their masculinity may be questioned. Second, depressed elderly men who hold in their feelings are less likely to seek help, and are at higher risk of committing suicide than those who do seek help. Third, stereotypical gender roles do have an impact by keeping depressed men from seeking medical care. In conclusion, the investigation indicates there is a correlation between men not seeking help and gender stereotypes. By which will take a society willing to accept men seeking help, as normal.
I want to help you. This is a very bad essay. Take my advice and rewrite it. Unless you are community college you will get an F.

Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Book Lover Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-10-06 12:45 AM
Response to Original message
7. This may sound incredibly naive, but ... writing center????
You mean your college pays people to proofread and copy edit students' papers?

Color me ... stunned.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Omphaloskepsis Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-10-06 01:11 AM
Response to Reply #7
8. They have a Writing Center...
Edited on Tue Oct-10-06 01:13 AM by Omphaloskepsis
They usually don't rewrite the paper. But, it can turn into a lot of instruction. I never really used the place. And my papers always sucked. It is nothing more than a math tutor, but in English.

edit -- fuck: four paragraphs, lucky..
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Book Lover Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-10-06 12:57 PM
Response to Reply #8
12. I got it now
As I said below, I never needed those services, and so had no idea of what would really go on in a writing center. Also, college was more than a decade ago for me, so I was sure my experience did not apply to what's going on nowadays.

And yeah, four paras equals a paper? I have a feeling we'll be reading about this student on rateyourstudents in a few days...
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
alcibiades_mystery Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-10-06 01:00 PM
Response to Reply #12
14. I don't think the assignment was to write a paper
I think it was probably a "response paper." The students were given the article and asked to discuss how it illustrates some of the material they had been covering in class. That's the form it takes. Response papers are usually pretty short; they are primarily designed to get students to apply course materials or start making connections between course material and everyday life or professional life.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
alcibiades_mystery Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-10-06 11:46 AM
Response to Reply #7
10. No, that is absolutely not the purpose of a Writing center
Which is why the poster's claim to that effect strikes me as so strange. If anyone in a Writing Center is doing that, he or she shouldn't be.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Book Lover Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-10-06 12:55 PM
Response to Reply #10
11. Thank you for somewhat restoring my shatted faith in higher ed
I did not need those services in college, so I just had no idea...
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
alcibiades_mystery Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-10-06 12:58 PM
Response to Reply #11
13. Learn more
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Book Lover Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-10-06 01:08 PM
Response to Reply #13
15. Hey thanks!
Brilliant. I appreciate the link.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
DU AdBot (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view 
this author's profile Click to add 
this author to your buddy list Click to add 
this author to your Ignore list Wed Jul 30th 2014, 12:38 PM
Response to Original message
Advertisements [?]
 Top

Home » Discuss » The DU Lounge Donate to DU

Powered by DCForum+ Version 1.1 Copyright 1997-2002 DCScripts.com
Software has been extensively modified by the DU administrators


Important Notices: By participating on this discussion board, visitors agree to abide by the rules outlined on our Rules page. Messages posted on the Democratic Underground Discussion Forums are the opinions of the individuals who post them, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Democratic Underground, LLC.

Home  |  Discussion Forums  |  Journals |  Store  |  Donate

About DU  |  Contact Us  |  Privacy Policy

Got a message for Democratic Underground? Click here to send us a message.

© 2001 - 2011 Democratic Underground, LLC