What do you do when a friend asks for advice...

[dolo amber]

Doesn't like the advice you give, gets all passive-aggressive and bitchy, then calls you the next day and asks for advice about the same topic?



I've been going through this with my sister AND a friend, both of whom are having the same issue (re: difficulty getting pregnant). They're seriously driving me crazy. No matter what I say I'm either an insensitive asshole ("How about adoption?") or *just saying whatever to get me to shut up* ("Awww, I'm sorry. That must be so hard for you.")

Help!

[idgiehkt]

1. LOL

I can identify with the responses, if not the topic. You could ask straight out, "what can I say or do that can help you through this...". Sounds dopey, but it might help move you out of range of the poison darts.

[dolo amber]

13. That's actually not a bad idea for my sister...

She responds well to that sort of thing.

[skygazer]

2. Don't offer advice

"Gosh, I don't know what to tell you. What does your doctor say?"

I hate it when people do that and I very rarely offer anyone advice for just that reason. So take my advice and don't offer any!

[dolo amber]

14. I think I'll take this advice you rarely give

[YellowRubberDuckie]

3. I'd just say, I'm going to be honest...

And if they don't like it, just tell them to stop asking you for advice. That's my advice, but I'm a brutally honest bitch.
Duckie

[dolo amber]

15. Ugh...yeah, tried that

That just resulted in more "How COULD you!"s.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

31. I'd be like, dude, you asked.

It's your own fault for asking. If you're afraid of the answer, quit asking. Then it would be done, and I'd change the subject. If it was resisted, I'd hang up.
Duckie

[ScreamingMeemie]

4. "We've been through this before. I told you what I thought. I care but

it's obvious that I'm not the one to help you with this."


***as one who knows, difficulty getting pregnant becomes a focused, life taking operation. I was a pain in the ass when we were having trouble, have only just now realized it and have made the appropriate apologies. When you can't get pregnant it seems like the whole rest of the world can.

[dolo amber]

16. See, that's just it

It's no understatement to say I could get pregnant practically by looking at a Playgirl. I was on BC when I got knocked up with not one but BOTH of my kids. It almost seems like they've latched onto me as some sort of "getting back at the evil world that won't give me a baby" gesture. It's really quite strange to me. I'd think they'd want to AVOID someone like me like the plague.

[QuestionAll...]

5. advice is best given just by listening with earnest in silence.

they'lll figure it out on their own.
as it should be.
just give them your time to do it in.

[Breeze54]

10. I agree!! They aren't really asking for your advice....

....what they really want is your ear and your sympathy!

and maybe a

QuestionAll!!

[QuestionAll...]

11. well, that's what I want when I need it...

I don't think I'm all that wierd by saying it.

[dolo amber]

17. Earnest silence doesn't so much work over the phone

Especially when they're prodding you every 10 seconds "Well, what do you THINK?!"

[QuestionAll...]

20. say: I think you need an ear. I have one.

[Magrittes Pipe]

6. Tell them:

"You need to fuck more."

[dolo amber]

18. Shaddup, foo'

[LeftyMom]

7. Are they on hormones right now?

From what I understand from a friend who did hormone treatment (and never did have a baby to show for it) the emotional effects are like PMS ^3. Trying to come up with a response that will get a rational result might be a waste of time if they aren't feeling at all rational.

[dolo amber]

19. Lord only knows

My sister's been on everything in the book, but she has weight issues and poly-cystic ovaries or something like that. I know she has been on several diets, regimens of different pills, etc. She's starting with yet another new place soon. It just SUCKS. I hate to see her going through this when there are so many kids out there who she would be a great mother to. I really don't understand the whole "I want my own" thing. Not that there's anything WRONG with that, I'm just saying I *personally* don't get it.

[reyd reid reed]

8. What about turning the question back to them?

"I just don't know what to do."

"Wow. That's got to be hard. What do you think you might want to do?"

They think that you're helping and offering a sage suggestion or two, but you're really not doing anything except make them come up with their own ideas -- which is what they want to do anyway.

Giving advice is generally a lose-lose situation and to be avoided at all costs.

That's my advice.

[MissB]

9. Excellent advice.

Far better than, say, telling them to "relax".

[dolo amber]

21. I sometimes almost feel like they want whatever damn thing it is

that made me get pregnant despite being on BC to rub off on them or something. I seriously think that's the unspoken "advice" they want.

[reyd reid reed]

25. Probably is...

They're probably hoping it's something in your aura...in the water that you drink...that it's contagious...

Just keep your chin up...it'll get better. It always does. And, in the meantime...

[Bossy Monkey]

12. Whenever anyone asks for advice, you have two options:

1) Talk with them for a while about the topic they want advice about until you know what it is that they themselves want to do. Tell them to do that. This way you get a reputation for always giving great advice.
2) Tell them what you really think. This usually leads to hard feelings, recriminations, and as you say, phone calls the next day asking for advice on the same subject again. It's the right thing to do. It's what a real friend would do. But if they're just going to refuse to listen to you, or worse call you names for just trying to help, it may be better just to tell them not to ask you for advice unless they're prepared to listen.

In my youth, I tended to go with option 1 because I'm fundamentally a con artist in my soul and everybody likes having a reputation for giving good advice. In my old age, I tend to just haul off and say whatever seems most correct rather than worry about what's going to go over. You may want to consider, however, that these people aren't at all looking for advice, but rather for reinforcement. It's no sin to offer them the latter instead.

[dolo amber]

23. Option 1

Genius, man.

[greatauntoftriplets]

22. Ask if their medical insurance covers in vitro fertilization.

If it does, tell them that you know someone who swears by it. Me.

[dolo amber]

24. Sister's doesn't, not sure about friend's

Friend also has the complication of not exactly having a...donor...at the mo'. Which would likely be helpful.

[greatauntoftriplets]

26. A donor definitely helps.....

And IVF is not fun. All the damn shots you have to either give to yourself or find someone who isn't squeamish about it. Into the abdomen.

[Skittles]

27. just kick their ass already, dolo

they got it coming and you know it

[dolo amber]

28. You know you totally rock, right?

[SOteric]

29. In my admittedly limited experience,

people who ask your advice repeatedly but don't take it are not looking for advice so much as sympathy. Unfortunately, most of us don't have the time and/or energy to be a constant source of support in matters of this nature.

Perhaps you could offer to sell them one of your children at a Friends & Family discount price? Or Hedges, -he's kind of like a kid.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

30. What does their inability to conceive have to do with you?

[sundog]

32. i avoid giving requested advice at all costs

the very word sends chills down my spine

i do on occasion offer unwanted advice just for kicks

[Ariana Celeste]

33. I quit giving advice.

Oddly enough it was over the same freaking thing. Fortunately she wasn't family or a super close friend so I felt no obligations.

[pitohui]

34. been going thru this for abt 15 yrs w. a good friend

he has a user/loser drug addict/pedophile embezzling thief of a brother who has robbed him personally of almost $100K and who robbed his dying father of apparently millions, leaving him penniless

i give the same advice i've been giving for 15 years, have him arrested for the crime he's just committed (advice never taken), or at least get a restraining order (advice never taken) or at least refuse to have him in the home (advice never taken no matter how many times he changes the lock somehow the bum always ends up w. a key)


i conclude that my friend will never be able to have anything or to enjoy any profit from his hard work in his business because he prefers to be robbed by his brother for reasons i don't understood

whenever he asks, i tell him, you know what i think -- and then i tell him again

what else can i do?

there is no way i can sit here and tell him it's okay for him to keep enabling the destruction of his family -- his brother won't change and get a better life because he won't allow him to hit bottom

he just contacted me again, said his brother had a heart attack

age 38

well, what did he think would happen if he stands by and lets a man steal hundreds of thousands of dollars and shove it up his nose, the heart wasn't built to withstand that much cocaine

can you tell i'm frustrated too?

some people are like the beagle in the old fable, they would rather lay on their balls and whine that their balls hurt than make a change, stand up, and get off their balls!

[GirlinContempt]

35. Tell them that

it's ok to come to you with problems, but they gotta understand that they're asking you for something, and you're giving it. If what you're giving them isn't good enough, or helpful, or it upsets them, they should look elsewhere. And that's that. If they keep doing it, just come out and say "Look, you don't seem to want to hear anything I have to say about this, so I'm not sure how to respond."

That, or just start yelling BALLS.