How do you let someone down easy?

[jane_pippin]

I need your advice, good lounge folk, because I'm no good at this kind of thing.

Here's the story:

There's this guy who comes into the place I work and all of us who work there really like him. We all have similar tastes in music, books, movies, etc., so when he comes in we all wind up chatting for 20 minutes or more, and sometimes we trade cd's or books or dvd's if we think he'll like them or if he thinks we will. It was cool. It was fun.

Except this last time he came in he let me know he'd like to take me out sometime. (I wasn't around so he left a note).

Here's the thing: He's a really nice guy and I like it when he comes in, but I don't want to see him outside of work. My relationship of 6 years just ended this summer and there's still a lot of untangling to be done in that department to say the least. I'm not ready to go out with anybody right now, and I'm not really interested in going out with someone who's a lot older than I am, and I don't like the idea of going out with a work-related person--it just seems like a bad decision.

So what do I say? Would it be ok to just say, "Thanks for asking me to XXXXX place, but I'm just coming off a long-term relationship and I'm just not ready to go out and be social with anybody right now." Does that sound shitty? Is there something better to say? I don't want to be a jerk to the guy, but I want to let him know that I'm not interested in pursuing any kind of thing outside of work.

Help me--I'm not only terrible at this in general, but I have zero practice at it because nobody's asked me out for 6 years, or if they did I'd say something like "oh, I'm with someone..."

WWTDULD? (what would the du lounge do?)

Thanks. I'm gonna watch some tee V, but I'll check back in a bit.

[mzteris]

1. I think you're on the right track.

Say thanks, but (as you said in your post) you're just getting out of a very long term relationship and you're no where near the point of going out -- with anyone! - even as "just friends". (Get that part in before he makes *that* suggestion.)

(Besides - who knows? - you may change your mind in a few months. :) )

[idgiehkt]

2. just put it on the work thing

it's the least personal explanation. Just say it's a personal rule of yours and be done with it.

[Pale Blue Dot]

3. HONESTY

I cannot emphasize this enough. Honesty is always best. Tell him the truth, so that he doesn't have to guess at it. That "guessing" can cause much more pain in the long run.

[rbnyc]

39. I agree.

Explain it to him like you explaine dit to us. If he's cool, he'll understand. If he doesn't understand, you wouldn't want to date him anyway.

[MichiganVote]

4. Say this,

"Thanks for asking me, (you seem like a real nice guy) to XXXXX place, but I'm just coming off a long-term relationship (that I stuck with for too long) and I'm just not ready to go out and be social (translates into, I'm scared to get close to anyone) with anybody right now. So rather than take a chance on a platonic evening of...um...movie, light bite to eat...I'm going for the sure thing; an evening of sorrow and self recrimination.

:) Easy does it..

[Floogeldy]

5. Don't be too honest.

It is none of his business. You do not owe him anything. You do not have to make excuses or justify your decision. Just say something brief, as: "I'm flattered but that is something I am not interested in right now." Period.

No need for you to burden yourself, or him.

My two cents.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

11. Good point...

He doesn't need to know your situation. And if you tell him about your recent break-up, he might get it into his head that you'll be interested in a few weeks.

I'd go with telling him matter-of-factly that you don't date clients; and make it positive by saying that you really enjoy his visits to your workplace.

[jpgray]

14. Dear Christ I agree with Floogeldy

I wouldn't recommend something like "I'm not interested in seeing anyone right now" because most people translate that to "I'm not interested in seeing -you-; ever" anyway. Simple and to the point, without too humiliating a series of half-truths spouted in a sweet but misguided attempt to spare the other's feelings, is always best. :D

[jane_pippin]

28. Well I never thought I'd say it but

I think you're right. :D

I was worried about revealing too much of my personal life, and you're right--I don't have to get into it at all, do I.

Thanks Floog.

[Blue-Jay]

6. Do you find him attractive?

I respect the fact that you're still dealing with a break-up, but don't let that sour your outlook on dating. Agree to go to lunch or a movie. Why the hell not? Get to know the guy. Work stuff aside, maybe you guys will like one another. Be careful, be smart, but don't be afraid. I get the impression that you haven't gotten past your self-imposed time frame of grieving over a newly defunct relationship. (of course I could be wrong)

What's the harm in testing the waters? It's not like you're making a commitment or anything.

[jane_pippin]

29. No, not really.

He's a good looking guy, I suppose, but he's also 20-30 years older than me and I'm just not interested in dating someone that much older than me.

You're right--I'm not done grieving at all. (It's getting better, but I'm still sad about it.) We're still in our apartment together until the end of the month and like I said, there's still a lot of untangling to do. And, I haven't been single in a long time, nor have I been single for long periods of time and I think I need that right now more than anything else. So, I'm not sour on dating exactly--I can see being excited about it again--but right now I'm excited about being by myself and getting my bearings again.

I think yours is good advice that will come in handy a few months down the road. Thanks. :)

[Redstone]

7. Tell him there's this guy Redstone, nobody knows much about him, but

he's captured your heart in a way that you never thought anybody could.

And I'll back you up on the story 100%.

Redstone

[RevCheesehead]

16. Funny, I've been saying that for months now.

:loveya:

[Dangerously Amused]

8. I'd go with something like...

Hey (nice guy). Thanks for the invitation to (name of place), but I have to be upfront with you about my situation: For reasons I don't want to get into, I feel very strongly that getting involved in any relationship is not something I want to do again for awhile. So I can't go, but I wanted to let you know the reason, and I want to make sure you understand that it is nothing personal. Thanks for thinking of me though.


If he persists or wants to be friends: I'm sorry, but I honestly don't have the energy or the motivation for it, and I don't know when that might change. It wouldn't be fair to either one of us. But again, thank you for thinking of me.


Something like that. Honest and polite, but firm.


Good luck.

[Floogeldy]

9. I like that.

:)

[Dangerously Amused]

12. Thanks.

[never cry wolf]

17. To a guy, who is interested, that is the kiss of death

Of course that is not Jane pippinn's fault. It is how guys are. Guys are much more romantic, sentimental and sappy than women... It's the goddamn eyelashes, and curves, and demeaonor and... nevermind....

Women are much more practical, Men are more prone to fall...

As far as advice, honesty IS always best... Honesty with yourself as well... This is a sentient being who is attracted to you. It may be in some ways you are not ready for at the time, but it would be a sad state of affairs if you could not connect in some way, if you have any interest, that is...

it sounds to me that he is a nice person... it also sounds to me that you are a nice person... it also sounds like you have some common interests... if he were a she and asked you as a friend to go to a movie, would you?

you also sound relatively young (early 20's?) maybe you have a circle of friends and need to meet no new groups, and that is fine.... been there, done that...

at age 52 i have found that you can't have too many friends, and i have learned that when it comes to regrets, it is the things i did not do or explore that are most regrettable....

(we're talking about possibly cultivating positive vibes here)

hey, how do you know what kind of friendship may develop unless you give it a chance.... learn, explore, maybe advance in friendship, maybe not... live....

[Evoman]

19. NO! NO! NO! NO!

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE TAKE THIS ADVICE. Read mine below. This is terrible, because it really doesn't solve your problem at all.

[Dangerously Amused]

33. WTF?

WTF??? Your advice is essentially the same advice I gave.


And "DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE TAKE THIS ADVICE" is rather rude. I don't care if you disagree with me, but make an effort to be polite about it, or at least civil, especially since I haven't attacked your opinion first.

[Skittles]

10. I don't

I just tell 'em like it is - I'd say you're a nice guy but I'm not interested

[LeftyMom]

13. "You're adorable but I have a boyfriend"

Seriously, the long distance boyfriend is sooooooooooo useful for that. If I didn't actually have one, I'd have to make him up.

[begin_within]

15. Nip it in the bud. Don't say anything that will give him a future hope for

something happening with you, if you know now that it will never happen with him, you have to be careful to not say something that might hint that it might be possible in the future if your situation changes somehow. You may bruise his ego, but it will be less hurtful if you do it now rather than let it build up bigger in his mind. There are also subtle, non-verbal ways to let him know - no eye contact, no touching, superficial conversation, etc.

[Evoman]

18. My advice

Make it clear. Do not say, I just want to be friends FOR NOW, or anything like that. The worst thing you can do to a guy that likes you is give him hope for the future. You can do one of two things:

1) Go the honest, sensible route "I'm sorry but I am not interested in you in a romantic way. I think coffee/going out is a bad idea if thats what you want"

2) Tell him your fucking some other guy, or tell him the great time you had with another date this weekend. Lie. When he asks you out again, tell him your seeing somebody. And the guys has a huge $#%^ (okay you don't have to go that far lol).

Whatever you do, remember: Its usually pretty hard for a guy to ask a girl out. Its even harder to get rejected. Its way better for him to ask you out and get rejected ONCE, than to have to keep being rejected (time after time) because you don't nip it in the bud.

[jane_pippin]

30. Oh, good point!

I didn't mention it but I was worried about that too. Like, if I say "I'm not ready for that" then it might mean "but I could be later" and I don't want to leave that impression either.

Thanks for the advice.

[Gidney N Cloyd]

20. Someone in the office has already filled him in on your situation so

lying is out.

[billyskank]

21. You can't. There are bad ways of doing it and worse ones

but you're not going to be able to do it without bumming this guy out. :(

[Jamastiene]

38. So true, so true.

I understand that situation inside and out. It is better to nip it in the bud with as much compassion as possible. All the while, make sure not to lead them on in any way. In any case, it will bum the guy (or often rejected girl in my case) out.

[mark414]

22. you don't. you let them down honestly.

and anything other than the straight truth can cause more trouble than necessary.

[qwertyMike]

23. You already answered your question

"There's this guy who comes into the place I work and all of us who work there really like him. We all have similar tastes in music, books, movies, etc., so when he comes in we all wind up chatting for 20 minutes or more, and sometimes we trade cd's or books or dvd's if we think he'll like them or if he thinks we will. It was cool. It was fun.

Except this last time he came in he let me know he'd like to take me out sometime. (I wasn't around so he left a note).

Here's the thing: He's a really nice guy and I like it when he comes in"

[The2ndWheel]

24. Anything but "maybe"

One extreme or the other. Yes or no. If you have absolutely no interest whatsoever, just say no. Don't say no the nice way. Don't say you're seeing someone when you're not, because you know you'll run into him somewhere, and it'll come back to bite you in the ass. Just yes or no. No interest, kill his spirit right there. It'll hurt, but it's better than limbo. Like was said in another post, it's tough enough to ask a girl out. You just want to hear an answer. Yes or no. Keep it simple. Don't complicate things, just a simple answer. Don't give a reason, because it'll all sound made up, whether it's true or not.

Not that I've experienced such a situation.

[Magrittes Pipe]

25. I think you've been answered numerous times in this thread.

Your long-term relationship just ended, and you're not ready. Tell him that.

If he's cool with that, then you can talk to him more.

You say you like it when he comes in. You know what? Just being upfront about stuff could possibly be the start of an awesome friendship. Good way to find out if he really wants to hang, or if he just wants in your pants.

Who knows? Maybe down the road, you'll want something different. But you need to tell dude what you need right now; i.e., not a boyfriend.

[jane_pippin]

31. Well, that "I like it when he comes in" is a little misleading

You know how sometimes at work you have a favorite customer or client you work with? It's more that than anything else, and I don't feel comfortable changing that into something else. Maybe I'll change my mind later, but it's hard to say.

You make a good point though--it's possible that a friendship could come out of it. I mean, I do like it when he comes in--we all do. I guess I'll have to see how he takes this and if he seems relatively ok and still stops into work, then who knows. He's quite a bit older and while that doesn't necessarily mean anything, it might mean that he's not going to be entirely surprised when I decline, and that I'm worrying about it way more than I need to.

[CAcyclist]

42. Exactly, he's older - he's not going to be that surprised if you turn him

down. Especially if there is that much age difference. Just tell him you're not interested but you are flattered he asked you.

[unpossibles]

26. as others said, be honest

as a guy, I feel I can say this: we don't always take hints, so be as honest and straight forward as possible, especially if you really are not interested as you don't want to create a puppy if you know what I mean.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

27. Be honest, but...

I think you should give it a chance. Nothing helps you get over someone than by looking ahead to the future.

[jane_pippin]

32. Thanks for the advice, everyone.

Your opinions helped a lot--thanks!

:hi:

[pitohui]

34. tell him you're involved with somebody else

being honest is much over-rated and quite hurtful

put yourself in this man's shoes

would you rather hear "oh i had a bad relationship blah blah blah making all kinds of excuses because you're old blah blah blah"

or would you rather hear "oh sorry i wish i could but i'm involved w. somebody else and he doesn't like to share"

a phrase i have found very useful as i go thru life and get hit on and asked out is this: i've love to but my husband wouldn't like it

[jpgray]

35. And telling a white lie can be hurtful and insulting

Even with the best of intentions. I've done exactly that and got -burned- when she found out that no, I wasn't seeing somebody but yes, I was interested in doing so. Just not her. Not good.

[GirlinContempt]

37. Lying usually ends up to be more hurtful.

It says "Not only do I not want to date you, but I don't respect you enough to be upfront with you"

[Susang]

40. I think lying is the cowardly way to handle the situation

Why would any modern woman want to rely on some bullshit story about a having man that is used to protect her any unwanted advances?

[Ariana Celeste]

36. Just be honest

You don't have to give too much info if you don't want to... I wouldn't lie, because there's a chance he might know you aren't involved... You are probably worrying way too much than you need to- I am the same way. :)

[idgiehkt]

41. after reading all these answers

I still go with my original one. If it's me, lie to me. Tell me you don't date people at work. Spare my feelings instead of telling me you just aren't interested in ME. The universe will reward you some day.