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Robb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 07:42 AM
Original message
Is eloping just selfish?
I've got friends who are considering getting married after living with each other for about three years. They've both been married before (to other people, obviously), and neither wants to go through the hassle of another wedding.

I made the point the wedding isn't really for them, but for the families. But they're thinking about running off somewhere and telling everyone after the fact.

Am I off? Wouldn't it be more considerate for them to suck it up and have a wedding, at least a small one for the families? :shrug:
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billyskank Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 07:43 AM
Response to Original message
1. Maybe it is selfish, but really it is no-one's business what they do
but theirs.
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LeftishBrit Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 09:26 AM
Response to Reply #1
17. I don't think it's selfish at all
It's the couple's wedding as others have said; and I doubt even that everyone in their families wants a big wedding that much.

As I sometimes say with regard to the scale with which people do or don't choose to celebrate Christmas and other holidays - I think there are two kinds of people: those who like big parties and occasions, and those who feel uncomfortable with them. People who love big parties sometimes find it hard to understand why other people wouldn't. But people shouldn't feel required to turn their own wedding into a big party/ formal occasion just because others may enjoy it - and especially if this involves a lot of personal expense for them. Big celebrations are not a duty, IMO.
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Nicholas D Wolfwood Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 07:46 AM
Response to Original message
2. No, it's not for the families.
No one should be forced to do something they don't want to do. If they don't want to go heavily into debt to pay for and go through the immense stress of planning a wedding, they shouldn't do it just because family members want to party. That's ridiculous.
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yvr girl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 07:46 AM
Response to Original message
3. If it's a second marriage for both of them
chances are they are of an age when they would be footing the bill for the wedding. Some people just can't afford or don't want to drop that kind of cash on a party. It's their business
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LaurenG Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 07:49 AM
Response to Original message
4. Selfish ?
It seems smart and much less expensive. Tell them to have a party to celebrate later and invite the ones who want a wedding to the party instead.
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Jamastiene Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 07:56 AM
Response to Original message
5. My mom and stepdad went down to SC to get married.
They specifically told the family to visit them afterward. Personally, I didn't care. I don't like weddings that much.

Is is selfish? Possibly, depending on financial status. Maybe two people don't have a lot of money but want to be together, so they elope to save money.

Is is really my place to say anything to anyone who decides to elope? Not really. It's their business.

Would I elope? Nope, I'm not allowed to get married, becuase our government sees me as perverted and thinks I might want to divorce my same sex partner and marry a cow later. :eyes:
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City Lights Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 08:10 AM
Response to Original message
6. Not at all.
If I had to do it again I'd seriously consider it. We spent too much on our wedding and for what? A few hours of fun. Not worth it, IMHO.
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crim son Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 08:22 AM
Response to Original message
7. I think it depends on the families' perspectives.
My father practically begged my husband to take a wad of cash and run off with me! It would have saved him a bundle. Of course, I wanted to wear the white dress. Idiot.
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arwalden Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 08:44 AM
Response to Original message
8. No... The Only Selfish Ones
... would be family members who somehow feel "entitled" to dictate to people how they ought (or ought not) handle their OWN marriage plans.

<< I made the point the wedding isn't really for them, but for the families. >>

I think you're confusing weddings with funerals. --- Their family should them do what they want to do without giving them any grief. If a family member wants to throw a party in their honor later on, that sounds like a good alternative.
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eyesroll Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 08:52 AM
Response to Original message
9. Scenario A:
"John and Jane are getting married. That's plane tickets, two hotel nights, packing a suit for him and getting a new dress because the cleaners lost the old one, going to a church, then hell if I can find the reception, and buying an expensive gift, then dry cleaning...and what's this? A shower invitation? They've been living together for three years! What could they possibly need?"

Scenario B:
"Cool! John and Jane got married!"

And yeah -- if it's a second wedding, there are probably some people who would think it improper to have much of a wedding at all, so my vote is for just butting out.
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Iniquitous Bunny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 08:58 AM
Response to Original message
10. I'm one of the selfish and here's why.
I'm getting married in January and it's a second marriage for both of us and we have five(!) kids between us. It would be either pay for the wedding for the families or have a nice honeymoon. We've decided to be selfish and get married at a resort in the Caribbean and stay there for a week (bu it's not a secret). It's something we really need for ourselves and we're people who put a lot of time in caring for others. The only one who doesn't seem to be happy is my mom (who rarely calls and essentially pays little interest in my life or my children's lives anyway), so I said, "Buy the plane ticket and you're welcome to come to the ceremony." :D
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Deep13 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 09:01 AM
Response to Original message
11. It's their marriage, not the families'.
Anyway, if it is the second time around, a lot of people would only attend to be polite. I'm a little put off with second or third wedding invitations from the same person. If the relatives want to have a party, no one is stopping them.
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LeftyMom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 09:04 AM
Response to Original message
12. It's thier money and thier life
If the relatives want to get together and have a party they can always have a family reunion or something.

Personally I think big formal weddings are a bore, a headache and a huge waste of money. I'd not have one if you paid me.
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supernova Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 09:05 AM
Response to Original message
13. Robb, you're a dingbat
:D

Your friends are spot on. Look. They are of an age that they have done all this before and know what they want. No, the wedding is for the couple, not the community. I'm w/ Allen, you're confusing a wedding ceremony with a funeral. Funerals are for the living, not the deceased.

There is nothing wrong with having a small ceremony just involving the couple, the officiating officiator, and a couple of witnesses. .... perhaps the immediate family. Then having a party later.

Weddings are a HUGE expense and hassle and I can guarandamntee you that if I get married again (not likely), I would want to skip the show and have a small celebration afterwards.

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Fleshdancer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 09:10 AM
Response to Original message
14. I don't think eloping is selfish
If the families need to have a party, then they can throw the couple a party but I don't think anyone is obligated to share their vows with anyone else other than the person they are marrying. Personally I think it would be good for most people to focus more on the marriage and less on the wedding anyway.
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Pool Hall Ace Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 09:10 AM
Response to Original message
15. Perhaps I'm just a grumpy, Scroogey-type person, but
even as a child, I never fantasized about being a pretty pretty princess in white for a day. I'm also very pragmatic; I can't see spending thousands upon thousands of dollars for an event that in all likelyhood will be forgotten by the time everyone gets home.

As it turns out, I didn't get married until I was 42 years old. Both of my parents were already dead, so I didn't feel the need to appease anyone.

Are there people who actually enjoy going to weddings? I consider them incredibly dull. And I hate it when my husband and I receive invitations from people we only vaguely know (if at all). They're just fishing for gifts, as far as I'm concerned.

But like I said, maybe I'm just Scroogey. Bah humbug. :)
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bigwillq Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-14-06 09:11 AM
Response to Original message
16. Not at all.
The decision should be left up to the two people getting married. It's their wedding after all. They should be the ones to choose every detail about the ceremony.
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