I'd like to teach Michael Bolton to sing

[ForrestGump]

Or maybe just gag him.

I mean, it's fair enough...he makes me gag whenever I hear him.

[Rabrrrrrr]

1. I'd like to teach him how to choke to death.

Or how to put a loaded gun in his mouth and pull the trigger.

Or how to set himself on fire in a pool of gasoline.

[ForrestGump]

2. Have you ever actually heard him 'sing'?

I think he's got the sound of choking to death, at least, down pat.

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. Sadly, yes, i have heard him "sing". And, sadly, had to *watch* him "sing"

Both are ugly, fake, and devoid of merit.

[ForrestGump]

11. And I bet that Art Garfunkel is PEEVED that he

stole his hair.



See?:


Curse you, Michael Bolton! Curse you!!

[kwassa]

4. Explain the passionate hatred of Bolton to me.

I don't get it.

It is a widespread phenomenon. To me, it is simply a white artist singing in a black R&B style. White men, in particular, are very put off by it, though "blue-eyed soul" is an old tradition.

Was it the haircut?

Bolton is neither here-nor-there for me as an artist, but I've heard far, far worse than him. What is it about him that brings about this passionate dislike?

[CrushTheDLC]

5. No, actually he's a white man TRYING to sing in a black R&B style...

..and doing so very BADLY. Not to mention he still uses his old hair metal screams, even though he has made middle of the road wuss music for 20 years.

The haircut certainly didn't help matters, but the voice was the felony, as it was complete artifice. You compare him to soul singers, but Marvin Gaye couldn't have sang that bad (even AFTER his daddy shot him)if he tried.

[kwassa]

6. Otis Redding's widow loved Bolton's version of "Dock of the Bay"

Only sayin'.

If she wouldn't know, who would?

[ForrestGump]

8. What he said...

I don't like his voice -- I find it grating -- but worse is that his histrionics just don't ring true. I'm not sure I can really quantify or characterize exactly why, but it just seems patently fake, and by saying that I do not mean in any way that it has to do with his color. I certainly don't have a thing against "blue-eyed soul" -- from Elvis and Joe Cocker to Tom Jones and the Righteous Brothers (Michael McDonald, for that matter), many of my favorite performers fall handily into that camp -- but it's just that the 'soul' is exactly what Michael Bolton lacks, in my opinion.

Kind of like Celine Dion, who has a great voice -- technically -- but has never done a thing for me because it just seems somehow empty...devoid of what, for want of a better term, might be called 'soul,' or truth. You've either got it or you don't. Mikey doesn't, and his strident vocal insistence that he does just irritates the hell out of me.

[idgiehkt]

13. maybe Nicole Sheridan will smooth him out a bit, lol

If anyone can, she can.

I can't remember who it was that said that Celine Dion looks like a human Pez dispenser. That's all I can think about when I see her now, when she opens her mouth up wide I'm always waiting for the gum to pop out.

[ForrestGump]

16. A human Pez dispenser?

I like it.

And now the virus is passed...I, too, will no longer be able to look at her without thinking the same.

[SOteric]

7. But dude...

If ya teach him to sing, you've kinda gotta hang with him will you're teaching.

[ForrestGump]

9. Correspondence course.

That or maybe persuade Tom Waits to go over and give him lessons...

[SOteric]

15. Tom Waits for no man.

(I had to. It's in my contract.)

[ForrestGump]

17. I should have expected such. I wish I had a cogent response, but

is all I can come up with right now...

[SOteric]

19. Well.

Backatchya, Gumpus Maximus.

[ForrestGump]

20. Target acquired

[RevCheesehead]

10. Oooh! Can I watch?

Better yet, can I help?

[ForrestGump]

12. You like to watch?

[RevCheesehead]

14. Yeah!

Especially if you get to the strangling part. That can be a real turn-on. AND - a gift to humanity, to boot.

[ForrestGump]

18. I might have to call in Mr Rabrrrrr

for that part. He's itching for it.

Oops...missed an 'r.'

"Rabrrrrrr," I mean...

[RevCheesehead]

21. I had a suspicion I knew who you meant,

Oooh - a Cheese sandwich!!!