Joke thread

[MoseyWalker]

I'll start:

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk and passed out. Out of respect for the lady, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?” “Well,” said the officer. “I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole.”

[MoseyWalker]

1. because I need laughs today, I'll add another one

for you!

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

[MoseyWalker]

2. Laughter is a good thing

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a
man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat.... she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I go here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2004

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate
family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the backS
of the room raised his hand and asked,"What would you say if tomorrow I said I
was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is
reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[Puglover]

3. There's a mailman on his last day on his route after 30 years.

NOONE is remembering him. No cards no nothing. He feels like crap. He gets to the last house and the door flies open. The lady at the door exclaims "Please come in! I've made you lunch." Finally. He comes in, and they eat a wonderful lunch. They finish and he thanks her profusely. She says "Well it was my pleasure, now would you like to go into the bedroom and have some fun?" Bewildered but pleased he says "Well sure!" So they go into the bedroom, have a great time and finish up with that. Again he thanks her. She reaches around the bed and grabs 5.00 off the bedtable and gives it to him. Now he's completely confused and says so. She says "Well, it was my husbands idea." Mailman, "your husbands idea?" Lady "Well yes, this morning at breakfast I asked him what we should do for the mailman cause it was his last day, and my husband said "The mailman, fuck him, give him 5.00. Lady "And lunch was my idea."

Hope this translates into typing.

[never cry wolf]

4. FLATTEN DADDY ' S STOMACH

A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down, and retreats. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen; she dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks"What were you and dad doing? "

The mother replies"Well you know your dad has a big tummy and Sometimes
I have to get on top of it to help to flatten it.

"You're wasting your time, "says the boy.

"Why is that?" ... Asked his mom puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it back up again."

[UrbScotty]

5. While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a major stroke.

The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like an eternity, the ER doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he tells her, "As you know, this was a major stroke. I'm afraid that your uncle is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks in shock. Sobbing, she looked at the doctor and said, "We've never ever had a Republican in the family before."

[MoseyWalker]

6. those were great! now for something to make you say ugh

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home,'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week .... and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

[MoseyWalker]

7. a short one

the other night i was sound asleep having this wonderful dream and i was awoken by the sound of a girl beating on my door, so i got up...and let her out.

[MoseyWalker]

8. I can't stop

What Are Politics?

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capitalism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his diaper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a keyhole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

[UrbScotty]

9. That's one of my favorites (nt)

[MoseyWalker]

10. one more, and I swear I might be done

What is the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish sheep farmer?

Mick Jagger says, "Hey! You! Get offa my cloud!"

The Scottish sheep farmer says, "Hey! McLeod! Get offa my ewe!

[MoseyWalker]

11. what the hell

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror. ''Don't worry!'' says the driver to his friend, ''Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, we'll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat! And, let me do all the talking!''

They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks. ''Have you been drinking?'' he asks them.

''Oh no Sir,'' replies the driver.

''I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?'' the cop asks.

''Oh, no sir,'' the drunk answers. ''We haven't had a thing to drink tonight.''

''Well, I've got to ask you,'' says the cop, ''What on earth are those things on your forehead?''

''That's easy, Officer,'' says the drunk. ''You see, we're both alchoholics, and we're on the patch!''

[MoseyWalker]

12. is this mic on? tap tap

An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in San Diego and
trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her
class that she's a Chargers fan.

She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Charger fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Jessica, why
didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Chargers fan," she replied. The teacher,
shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Chargers fan, then who do you
support?" "I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it," Jessica replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Jessica, why are you a 49ers
fan?"
"Because my Mom and Dad are from the bay area and my Mom is a
49ers fan and my dad is a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan too."

"Well, said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, that's no
reason for you to be a 49ers fan. You don't have to be just like your
parents all of the time. What if your Mom was a prostitute and your Dad
was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

Jessica said, "I'd be a Raider fan.

[MoseyWalker]

13. Ok, I'm done - don't you folks have any to add?

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So, next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[MoseyWalker]

14. I still can't stop - these are funny dammit!

1. Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit
with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom
about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently
scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest
bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K.
to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home,
please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked
me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late,
there were hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving
passengers, also. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came
running
shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said
loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were
away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as
everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and
then searched the rest of the
area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

2. An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her
then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left
her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and
began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my
daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into
the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

3. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong she must
say,"I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and
said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I
was, but mother says I'm not."

4. A little girl asked her! mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and
asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

5. A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on
the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

6. At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the
altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down
around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very
pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost directly
into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to
iron."

I saved the best for last:

7. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands
next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a
snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."