My wife cheated on me

[Giant Robot]

Sorry to bring down the lounge this Sunday but I am pretty worn out and unsure what to do. I posted earlier this week looking for a little support and this was the reason that I did not say.

She went on a road trip to see some friends when she had a day off and I was at work. No problem. Called me that night saying she did not know what time she was leaving. Since she called me from a bar I had a feeling that she was not coming home that night, again not preferable but I was ok with that. A little later when I was already asleep she called to tell me she was staying the night there. I was half awake and don't really remember the call.

The next morning I get up to go to work and give her a call and left a message. She called me back on the way to work and told me straight away that she had sex with one of the guys down there. I am confident that this was the first time, and she also said protection was involved which is good. But I'm scared to death because I can see how she looks when she talks about this guy, and it is clearly infatuation at least to me.

I always said that if she slept with someone tell me upfront and I would be a lot happier than if she hid it. I appreciate the honesty, but now what? She said she would not speak with him again if I wanted. I am afraid to ask that because it runs the risk of driving this kind of stuff underground and breeding resentment. But I also don't want it to continue on the road it looks like it is going cause...well I don't want to lose her. I do love her.

I feel very scared and alone with this. I told a friend of mine, but can't think of anyone else I can process this with because who wants to admit this. So, fuck, what do I do? I feel like the train is coming and I am standing in the tracks.

[warrior1]

1. How would she

feel if you cheated on her? Man, I'm not sure what you should do, but putting up with that kind of betrayal sounds like you would be asking for more of this.

stay strong.

[Deja Q]

3. I am compelled to agree.

Especially when marriage vows were spoken. An agreement of a high calibre was broken.

[Giant Robot]

7. I see that point but

I don't want to give her up if this will be the end of it. I just don't know what the future will hold. I am scared of what I am seeing though.

HypnoToad it is very comforting to see the Doctor's face right now. Thanks.

[jobycom]

16. Don't let anyone else tell you what decision to make

That's between you and her. No one's advice can understand everything you have to decide right now.

[lukasahero]

102. Best post on the thread

(as usual. ;) )

[Deja Q]

28. I know how you feel, but not for the same scenario...

It is easy to say "end it", but in reality it is not easy... And I am scared too. You need to look at your heart and go with your gut feeling regarding the best decision. And then do it, and not let the fear hold you back.


Thanks re: the pic. That's a pic I'm going to keep around for a while.

[Porcupine]

64. Marraige vows better be bendy or you don't stay married.

So figure it out. Do you want to spend more time with this person or not? Any new person you might find has definantely screwed around with other guys. If your marriage is that fragile what's the problem?

Worse things happen in a marraige; cancer for instance. You've agreed to put up with worse things. Put some effort in or quit whining.


p.s.- I'm divorced and rather bitter about the whole marraige idea at this point. Good freaking luck doing better.

[Bassic]

83. I agree.

You have to tell her how you feel about this.

[Blue-Jay]

2. I really don't have any good advice.

I'm sorry that she cheated on you. I can't imagine how much that sucks. Hang in there.

[LeftCoast]

4. So sorry you are having to deal with this

My only advice would be to have as honest a discussion with her as possible. Lay it all out. Why did she feel the need to cheat? How do you (both) feel about your relationship. Where you want to go from here...

Good luck! I hope this helps in some small way.

[ForrestGump]

10. I agree.

Saying "ditch her" or saying "love conquers all" is the inevitable result of our own experiences, whether first-hand or otherwise, and your situation is unique no matter how similar it may appear to those of others. Talk to her first, in depth and seriously. What you do from there is what is right for you -- right for you both, of course, but you may need to put all the togetherness and altruism aside for part of this because you have to now look out for Number One (she did, after all).

Talk to her, but -- and this can be a huge paradigm shift and I suspect it will be for you -- make sure that you look out for yourself. Whether your marriage heads toward dissolution as a result or whether you patch it up and life continues to get better and better, you have to put your own welfare and wholeness ahead of hers in your mind now.

And there is only one real absolute I'd lay upon you at this point: you have to deal with it, both of you -- you cannot sweep it under the carpet. You can, of course, but the odds are overhwhelmingly good that you -- perhaps both of you -- will soon enough be sorry you did so. If your marriage is destined to continue, I think you need to dissect all of this and dispose of it forever...no good comes from one partner forevermore occasionally bringing up the other's transgressions (not that you would intentionally use it as an emotional weapon in years to come, but it can easily pop out and then...there it is). Talk it out and end either the marriage or any further reference to this chapter in your shared lives.

My thoughts are with you and I very much feel for your situation. Good luck. Be strong, but most of all be yourself and remember that you need to look after you, first, this time.

[achtung_circus]

5. Oh Shit

Double plus ungood.

Are there children involved?

It can go either way, but there's a road to be walked that will be darker than hoped for, at least for a while.

There is light, though.

[LeftyMom]

6. Well, you have two choices

You can bag up her shit and put it all on the front porch, of you can try to work through it. I can't tell you what I'd do, because that may not be what's best for you.

I can tell you I'm very sorry you're going through this, and that we'll all support you no matter what happens next. :hug:

[Giant Robot]

9. I know but the choice hurts too

And thank you.

[ZombieNixon]

8. Oh, man, I am so sorry.

:(

I don't really have any advice. When my girlfriend did this to me I reacted by dumping her immediately, but that's not something you can do with such ease in a permanent relationship.

Hang in there. :pals:

[Midlodemocrat]

11. You are grieving right now. The death of a marriage can

be as devastating as the death of a partner. Give yourself some time to heal before you make a decision.

My best to you. I have A LOT of neighbors who have made this unfortunate choice in their own marriages. Some survived. Some didn't.

[Pale Blue Dot]

12. At bare minimum, you both need a marriage counselor.

None of the solutions you have presented solve the problem. Things like this don't happen in a vacuum. You need a third party to help you sort it all out. Barring that, the marriage is over, whether either of you admits it or not.

Good luck.

[grannylib]

13. Awww, man....I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

As others have said, it's your call; you are the only one who can decide how to handle this.

My hubby cheated on me WAY back when once upon a time, and it was just before we got married (we were living together at the time) and I chose to let it go and not make an issue of it; we're still here 21 years later and he's still the love of my life...but that's me. Can't say if that would be the right decision for you. I just know how much it hurts and is scary and makes you really wonder what to do...

Holller if you need to talk/process/vent/whatever...will support whatever decision you feel you need to make, but know that you are not hanging out alone...

[hfojvt]

14. I think I would rather not know

As a terminally single guy all I can do is imagine. Of course I would not want to lose the only relationship I would probably ever have, but I also would not want to stay in it if the love is not mutual. So on the one hand I would feel like I should work to win her back, but on the other hand I would feel like she should be doing the Kobe thing and trying to win me back.

[rbnyc]

106. I think I'd rather not know as well.

The way I see it is that it's pretty natural and understandable how extramarital sex can happen, and that it can happen easily even if the married people in question are still very much in love with and committed to each other. I think if my husband had a fling, he would be safe, and it wouldn't change his feelings about me. The only part that would be painful is if I knew, and the only part that would be complicated is if I had to decide what to do about it.

[jobycom]

15. You're in for a long, hard time, my friend.

It will never feel better than it does right now. You will never trust her again. It will never leave you. Twenty years from now it will pop into your head to spoil some pleasant moment you are having with her, if you stay together.

That's the bad side, and it's bad. The only way around it is to leave her and move on. Not advising that, just saying.

Now, the other side. You will live with other painful things, too, in your life, so don't let this one destroy something good. She told you, she was honest. Mine wasn't, and it hurts worse to find out you were betrayed AND lied to. So you've got something there to work with. Whether it works, though, depends as much on whether she wants it to or not. It sounds to me like you are being cool about this, in that you are understanding her feelings and her point of view. That's good. In some ways, oddly, it can make you closer to her, in that you can share a side of her that many spouses keep from each other.

But, and I went through this, too, you are going through a fairly normal stage of this process. First you get hurt, then you try to understand her. She may not be aware there is another stage coming, but at some point the anger and suspicion and even hatred is going to burst free, and she will feel that. It won't be easy on her, or you, and that's probably the hardest part to survive. I don't know what you can do about it, but knowing that is a stage of your reaction might make it easier to prepare for. I don't know. There will also come a point where you will turn to her for comfort because of the pain you are feeling, and she will turn away, because your pain will be an accusation to her. She'll push you away just when you need her most, and that will hurt both of you.

Just telling you my experiences. It's not easy. It would be easier to leave--I wish I had. But there are a lot of reasons not to. You need to figure out with her whether you are going to leave or stay, and you need to stick to that decision no matter what, as long as you both stick to your agreements. Don't leave it open-ended for very long as to whether yo will stay together or not, that just puts you both in limbo for too long.

Oh yeah, and confide in some friends besides her. It helps. I kept it all inside, and it was a big mistake. You can't look rationally at it, you need someone else to help with that. If you don't have a friend you trust, find a therapist, preacher, or some other professional.


Anyway, those are my thoughts on it. It's normal to feel hurt, lost, like you don't even know who you are, like everything you have is somehow phoney now. You'll never get a firm grip on what you are feeling, but it's normal to feel like that. The quicker you can move to the next stage of your life, with or without her, the quicker that goes away.

Oh, and definitely tell her she can't see him anymore. She made a committment to you, and making her keep that committment (or finding out whether she will) is definitely within your rights. If you had had the affair, she would demand that of you, too. Marriage is a two way committment, and while it also involves understanding, there are some things you just don't compromise on. Now, if you want an open marriage, if you think that would work, that's a different subject, but you both have to have the same level of committment, and if your agreement is that you will both be faithful, that's a basic agreement she has to keep, too. The downside is you have to be willing to walk away if she won't keep it.

Anyway, as I said, I know what you are feeling, and how hard it's going to be. Good luck. Hope something I said helps a little.

[intheflow]

17. I'm so sorry to hear about this, GR.

It is a very scary thing to be in an unfaithful partnership. And I'm speaking from someone who has been in your wife's position. :( So it's scary, but you are NOT alone. There are several ways to look at not being alone;

* Something like 70% of both married men and women admit to having cheated on their spouses at one time.
* We here at DU and probably your friends and family outside of DU will support you through this trial.
* This is a make-or-break moment in your marriage, but maybe it will help if you remember that your wife is probably scared, too. Perhaps that joint fear can join you in marital solidarity. That's what saved my relationship.

So no matter what, you aren't alone. I will say a prayer or you, GR. And post a prayer request on your and your wife's behalf in the DU prayer circle group, too. :hug:

[cleofus1]

18. if she really really loved you...

she would not be sleeping with other guys...tell her, no more road trips without you...and the john gets shitcanned...anyone who has sex with your wife, is an ass..."She said she would not speak with him again if I wanted"....that's not even funny...
if she still wants to "talk" to this yahoo...you have to start making some tough decisons...you deserve a woman who will be as true to you as you are to her...this is not your fault...
good luck man and be strong...

[rbnyc]

107. That's not true.

A person can really love someone and still have an affair. I agree that it's not the OP's fault, and I agree that the OP deserves a woman who will be true to him...but the fact that she slept with another guy does not mean she doesn't love the OP. Chemisrty is pretty powerful stuff, and there are millions of other factors that are not so black and white.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

128. Bullshit.

It is not that difficult to keep it in your pants.

[rbnyc]

132. I've never met a guy who could keep it in his pants...

...when pressed. I'm not saying they're not out there. All I'm saying is it is possible to cheat on someone you love and that chemistry, in general, is powerful stuff. I don't see how that can be disputed. I can see how it might not apply to a particular situation, and I can see how it might make a person mad, but it's really indisputable.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

133. You need to meet a LOT more guys. (nt)

[rbnyc]

135. To be fair...

...maybe I know a hundred guys who can keep it in their pants. I haven't tried to seduce anyone but my husband in a very long time.

I have a shady, unhealthy, yet interesting and not totally regrettable past as a teenage sex addict. Addictions are bad. I'm not advocating anything. But as a young, very cute, very naughty, teenage girl, with a pathological compulsion to seduce anyone who was not a blood relative, I met exactly one guy who could keep it in his pants. I could "get" anyone. Again, I'm talking about an illness--though some particular experiences during that time had a certain value--I was mentally ill. I really don't want to romanticize it. But from my experience, no matter how married, how moral, how convicted, how responsible, no matter what--99.99999% of men will do it with a hot teenage girl if they think no one will ever find out.

I'm over 20 years away from being that person. So yeah, maybe I'm surrounded by guys who wouldn't do that--but my experience tells me, they would.

[cleofus1]

129. that's a good point...

and i suppose i have to agree to a certain extent...before i got married i was a major whore...at least a lieutenant colonel whore...

but once i married i made a promise to be with one person only...
now love is a burning thing...and if you really, really love someone...you should stay true...

now if you just "love" a girl...i could see where you may not...

[The Wielding Truth]

111. yea this is what I would say too. you deserve to have trust.

think of yourself for a change. she wasn't.

[graywarrior]

19. Get counseling. If not for both of you, for yourself.

You can't make good decisions when you're in an emotional mess.

And I'm real sorry you're going through this.

[tinfoilinfor2005]

20. This boils down to three things.

She is l. Screaming out for your attention, and 2. Screaming out for your attention, as well as 3. Screaming out for your attention. She could have done that with just telling you about an overnighter without you involving an evening in a bar, but the fact that she actually told you about an infidelity means that she is screaming out for your attention and doing it loudly by trying to hurt you extra badly.

Decidedly, this is not the way a wife should be saying to her husband, "LOOK AT ME!", but that is what is happening.

Go to a counselor now now now now now now. Good luck.

[greatauntoftriplets]

45. Well stated....

They need counselling.

[nytemare]

21. I am inclined to agree with the counseling suggestions.

A third, neutral party will be able to get behind the reason she sought this out. Also, a counseler may be able to help you come out with your feelings. What she did was wrong, and it hurt you. It has put you in the position of worrying what the reaction will be if you tell her she can't see him anymore. Then again, women have sort of a different language from men, so she may have taken your comment that she should tell you if she sleeps with someone as somewhat of a permission. Do you consider your marriage as somewhat open, and if you do, does it go both ways? I percieve the answer is no to both, but the question does arise.

Also, this may have been somewhat of a challenge to you on her part. Some women are flattered by jealosy, although I think it wrong. It could have been a subconscious action on her part to get you to show jealousy, because some women equate jealousy with caring, although again, I think it wrong. Sometimes, the subconscious is a great motivator, though.

I would definately seek counseling. The counselor can act as a diplomat, and seek resolution for the underlying cause, and help you to move forward.

I am very sorry you are going through this, and I will recommend a musical selection of "Don't Give Up" by Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush.



:hug:

[Guava Jelly]

22. Oh man ..I felt pretty much the same as you a while back

When Whom I thought was my soul mate had the hots for another man.
It tore me apart inside .I felt sad lonely I cried like a baby!
I vented in this forum several times.And got advice and just all around niceness from many great people.
A certain Duer whom I won't mention as not to embarrass her Messaged me And we talked And she helped me realize that I need to stand my ground and gave me the courage to tell her how I feel what I need and what I can't live with.
I was ready to leave and I was Ok with that..
Be strong! Stand your ground .Talk.. seek counceling..But in the end watch out for your self.
Life is way to short to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

[Mutley]

23. Only you can make that decision.

It's tough, I know because I've been there. But we here in the Lounge will be here for you whatever you decide. :hug:

[colinmom71]

24. I'm sorry you're going through this...

I'd like to recommend a web site and forum that may help you figure out what you want to do. Go to http://www.marriagebuilders.com . This site specializes in dealing with marital infidelity and recovering your marriage, if that's what you want to try to do. It may at least give you some helpful tools to help yourself through this... And yes, their first round of advice is to ensure there is no further contact between your wayward spouse and the adultery partner.

Hope this helps you out some, and again I'm sorry you're dealing with this problem... Wishing you the best of luck and that you can keep yourself healthy...

[Feron]

25. The only advice I have to add is..

go to the doctor and get tested for STDs. If she cheated once, it's most likely not the first time. Even if you don't think she has cheated before, get tested anyway for your peace of mind and health. Let's face it, you can't even trust that she used protection or if it was used correctly.

I wish you the best. :)

[u4ic]

26. I'm so sorry, Giant Robot

as you can read from other responses, many have been through this before (myself included). While you may feel it, you are definitely not alone.

As others have noted before, definitely your first step is counselling. I would suggest couples, as well as individual for the both of you. If she agrees, you know at least you have a fighting chance (if that's what you are hoping for). If she's resistant, it's bascially over.

Good luck to you. Please know we're here to support you. :hug:

[bluethruandthru]

27. You don't need to make a decision now about what you want to do.

Get a book called "Private Lies". The author's last name is Pittman. It may help you sort some things out. If you (and she) decide to try and save the marriage...get counseling. It may take a long time to rebuild the relationship...and the trust will never really return. If there are children involved...that makes things very different...and you need to factor them into any decision you make. I wish you all the best!
:hug:

[alcibiades_mystery]

29. Shit...can...her

All this stuff about counseling and working it out, etc., etc. Uh uh. Shitcan her. Immediately. Pull that band-aid off fast. Better in the long run. Yes, it's your choice and you have to attend to the specificity of your siutation, but you asked for advice and this is mine. Shitcan her. Today.

[sendero]

31. I know it will be considered neanderthal to many..

.. but I agree with you.

Unless the OP is willing to live in a marriage where his wife feels free to "step out" at any time, he should do himself a favor and leave her not next week - NOW.

The marriage is OVER already. There will be no trust, the OP will be walking on eggshells, there is simply no way to put this toothpaste back in the tube.

I'm really sorry, it is one of the toughest things in life to deal with a breakup like this. But even worse will be years of torment, followed by a breakup that is all but inevetible.

[NNadir]

34. You can save your marriage. It will take a great deal of effort, but

it can be done.

The possibility depends on her attitude as much as yours.

If you want to be able to save the marriage, however, you need to have a frank discussion of the possibility that you will not save it.

You love your wife, and a big part of loving is forgiveness. But forgiveness itself must be earned.

Get counseling. Something is happening and you need to learn how to talk about it.

[sendero]

35. In fairness..

... I've seen this work, exactly one time. My best friend (a while back) left his wife ins search of some mythical single life that did not exist. He had an affair, but after a time realized that he'd made a mistake.

His wife took him back, it took YEARS of mistrust and working to earn her trust back. They are happy now.

Here's the thing, is this guy's wife ready to EARN that trust back? Because if not, it is OVER. If she has an indifferent attitude, it is OVER. And the fact that she calls him up and tells him about it just like that makes me think she has a pretty indifferent attitude.

[NNadir]

37. Yes, it depends on her attitude. But it would be foolish to destroy

the marriage if she is truly apologetic.

I have seen marriages be saved.

She is not waiting for him to find out surreptitiously. She is telling him what occurred. If she is telling him out of disrespect it is one thing, but if she is telling him because she is ashamed of what she did, because she values honesty, and because her judgment was impaired in a situation clearly involving alcohol, it is another.

I have some personal knowledge of this sort of thing.

These are two people who loved each other enough to marry. Love involves acceptance of one's lover's failures.

[sendero]

39. Well, we're all different...

.. cheating is a marriage-terminal offense for me. I'm not going to do it, and I'm not going to have it.

I'd already be talking to a lawyer, because it's my firm belief that cheaters are always cheaters, and no matter what the circumstance I couldn't stand waiting for the next time and the next time.

But I understand that folks are different, and to some people it's not that big a deal. That's cool.

[maveric]

43. If she cheats once, and gets away with it...

Like if you take her back and forgive her, chances are she'll do it again.
Been there myself and have seen the scenario many times with my friends. She obviously had no respect for you or your marraige and made that decision to cheat.
You need to decide if you are willing to put up with the possibility that she'll do it again. You'll never look at her or feel the same about her again.
Sorry dude. This might be harsh, but if it were me, I'd file for divorce tomorrow.

[alcibiades_mystery]

44. You damn skippy

I understand everyone's position re: saving the marriage, but this one sounds finished. She won't talk to him again if the OP doesn't want her to? Fucking excuse me???!? Hell no.

If people have an open relationship, that's cool with me. I've done that when I was younger (not with my wife), and it worked out fine. But this doesn't sound like an open relationship. This sounds like the wife went off and had sex with some guy that she liked. And that's a deal breaker. Out the fucking door. Or you sit on the couch and watch them have sex, "yes, dear, I'll go get you guys a drink," because that's what continuing amounts to. Yes, it's dripping with indifference.

[Lilsarah]

95. you can't trust her anymore

When a woman cheats and a guy takes her back, no matter what extenuating circumstances there may be, it is inevitable that she starts to treat his like a jerk. If you take her back after this she will only walk all over you later.

[cobalt1999]

33. glad someone had the guts to say it.

I agree. The marriage is already over, it's just how long and how painful it will be to make it official now.

[driver8]

91. Amen! My sentiments, exactly.

I'm sorry, but no matter how much you love your wife what she did is unforgiveable. She betrayed your trust and if she did it once, she will do it again.

If my wife did that to me, there would be no counseling...either I would pack my shit up and go or she would. It would hurt, sure...but not as much as worrying about my wife cheating on me again. There would be no second chance.

This may sound a bit cold, but that's how I feel.

[liberalitch]

116. Hell yes!

The trust is gone.
Everytime she is with you.... is she really with you or thinking of someone else?
Make her suffer..... lay the guilt on thick..... so she doesn't do this in another relationship.

[arwalden]

30. How Long Have You Been Married?

How old is your wife?

[SoCalDem]

32. and are there children?

her age, your age, length of marriage, and kids.. those are the biggies

If you have not been married long, and she already wants to cheat..well that does not bode well
if she is young and still wants the party life, how much "slack" are you willing to give her and for how many years.
If you are much older than she is, do you chalk it up to age difference// or is she looking for a way out, and wants you to be the one to jump?
If there are kids, there's no way to keep them from "knowing".. is it better to split and start fresh or to live together in a house where they see that cheating has few consequences..?

It;s a toughie.. but she pretty callously blurted it out..over the PHONE???,,she sounds like she's already made her decision and she has dumped all the tough choices into YOUR lap..

:hug: to you ... and don't rush anything.. take your time deciding what to do.. but bear this in mind

you will NEVER forget that she did it, and every time she's late coming home or you don;t know where she is, you will be unable to forget about this.. can you live that way forever?

[Lydia Leftcoast]

36. Before you make any decision, sit down with a neutral 3rd party

(preferably someone trained in clinical psychology) and figure out just what is going on.

Either she doesn't love you anymore, in which case you should cut your losses and divorce her, or she is very unhappy about something that could be changed and didn't know how else to tell you. (The third possibility is somewhere between the two, namely, that she doesn't love you anymore but is too afraid/dishonest to say so, and wants to goad you into making the move to break off the relationship.)

But you need to figure that out with a trained professional, not with anonymous people on a message board.

It hurts to find out that one's s.o. has been cheating. It's right up there near the top of emotional pains. :hug:

[CanuckAmok]

74. "...didn't know how else to tell you..."?

What a load. If someone tried that line on me, I'd throw her ass out immediately.

"I'm unhappy about 'X', so instead of tabling my concern(s) it in a civil conversation, I fucked somebody else, thereby severely damaging our relationship and potentially exposing you to danger. Please forgive me? Ultimately it's your fault I haven't been able to communicate my feelings to you... I had no choice!"


Horse-shit. Pop-psyche, Rikki Lake nonsense. Buh-bye!

[Bullwinkle925]

38. I agree with one of the above posts regarding counseling.

It probably wouldn't hurt to seek individual and couples counseling as well. Sorry for this hurt in your life. Relationships are so complex - there are never any easy answers.
Listen to your heart, head and gut. It's going to be a difficult journey for you, just know that there are people who care about you - even out here in cyberspace!

BW925
:pals:

[flvegan]

40. Let's talk about trust.

One of the most valuable aspects of a relationship is the mutual trust between a couple. Once violated, as it would appear has happened here, it's very tough to earn back. To me, were I you, it would be impossible. The next "road trip" would bring back this memory. The next discussion about this "friend" would bring back this memory. Forever.

My biggest issue with what you've said here, aside from her action, is this:
"I always said that if she slept with someone tell me upfront and I would be a lot happier than if she hid it."

Ummm, IF she slept with someone? "...A lot happier than if..." I couldn't ever be in a relationship where I had to suggest that if my SO cheated on me, she just better tell me about it.

I don't know your situation, but laying groundwork like this suggests, to me that either you suspected that she would, at some point cheat, OR maybe you've been cheated on before and it's just sort of a relationship aside. I don't know.

Regardless, were it I, the trust is gone. So is the relationship.

Sorry, man.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

114. I'm with you on that one.

I think I made it clear damn near immediately with my SO that there would be no second chance at the mere sign of indiscretion. You have to demand better for yourself.

[salin]

41. Of course you tell her to not talk to the guy again.

You worry about HER resentment, if you ask this? What about her worries about YOUR resentment for her actions - esp if she continues.

Time for you both to decide if this marraige is something that you both want, and if so - to work on it. If she can't (or says something lame like there isn't a problem)- then probably time to walk before it gets worse and even more drawn out, degrading and painful (as if it can get any worse? But it can.)

I am so very sorry for you pain.

[NewWaveChick1981]

42. I know it's not the same situation, but my ex-bf did that to me.

:hug: I know just how it feels. I don't have anything else to add to what the others have said, but I'm here if you need a sympathetic ear. :hug:

[SlavesandBulldozers]

46. kick her to the curb.

pack her shit, tell her to piss up a rope.

I know it's scary, it'll tear you apart at first. Your marriage is over, man.

Imagine that, paying a counselor to convince you to stay with somebody who broke your wedding vows. When in the end you'd never trust her again anyway. I'd rather pay for a vacation, personally - a vacation away from somebody who betrayed me.

Just my 2 cents. Best of luck to you, if I can be of any assistance please PM me. I know I sound like a dickhead for saying it. She planned on cheating on you, your love for her blinds you to it - you don't want to believe it, but it was premeditated.

[Jazz2006]

47. Good luck, Giant Robot.

I can't really add anything to the other suggestions here since they've pretty much covered all of the possibilities, but just wanted to say good luck with whatever decisions you ultimately make.

:hug:

[Mr. Cigar]

48. Hey ME TOO!!

My husband told me Fri.14th that he has been having an affair.
I'm right there with you in all the pain
and confusion!!! It's the hardest thing
I've ever been through. And hurts like nothing I could have
ever imagined!!!

[Redstone]

49. Change the locks on your house. The Death Spiral begins now

if you don't.

Redstone

[Wcross]

50. You need to let her go.

Your marriage will never be the same. My fiance did the same to me and the whole relationship changed. I couldn't trust her, I was always wondering if she was with someone when we were apart. We agreed to call it off and go our separate ways. I loved her very much. I couldn't live with the suspicion.

[elehhhhna]

51. Get thee to marriage counseling, stat.

Either way, split or stay, it'llbe easier with some help.

[xchrom]

52. i'm very sorry you got hurt -- that's too bad.

i don't have any advise -- other than go to a shrink -- because i would react very differently than you.

[RagingInMiami]

53. I'm sorry you had to go through that

Love can be so grand. Love can be so brutal. Love can bring one to the brink of psychosis.

The worse thing a woman can do to the man she supposedly loves is spread her legs for another man. And the fact that she told you -- by phone -- tells me she is trying to provoke you, get back at you for something or just plain old hurt you.

I know you had told her if she cheats on you to just let you know, but if a woman truly cared about your feelings, she would not have told you. Especially by phone.

You have every right to feel betrayed, hurt, angry, depressed, confused, helpless and disrespected. The truth is, if she doesn't respect you today, she won't respect you tomorrow. Especially if you forgive her and never bring it up again.

I've never been married, but my last serious girlfriend ended up betraying my trust after two-and-a-half years of us living together in Arizona. I was going through a very stressful time because I had lost my job and she ended up hanging out with male friends until 6 a.m. on a regular basis. She insists she never slept with another guy, but I know she was hanging out with other guys she was attracted to who wanted to sleep with her, so if she hadn't slept with them, it was only a matter of time.

So I left her. Just moved the fuck out and back to Miami where I own a condo. I loved her (and I probably still do) but there was no way I was going to be able to stay with her after the way she acted during a very low point in my life. And she was broken-hearted and begged for my forgiveness over the next year and all I could tell her was that I needed to be alone.

And I have no regrets about leaving her, but ever since then, I have met plenty of women, but none in which I connected as I had connected with her. Not that I'm even looking for a relationship because the last one left me jaded and I'm focusing on trying to launch a business anyway.

So I understand completely how you wouldn't want to lose her. But you need to ask yourself, do you really have her?

[wildhorses]

54. I have some questions...

Do you know the guy?
Does he know you?
How long of the two of them known each other?
How long have you been married?
How old are you?
There is the danger of STD's.

These would be things that, if I were you, need to be considered...

Having been through two divorces due to drugs (now, that is bitch of a mistress to compete). I can NOT give you any advice.


Good luck whichever way you go with it.

[rug]

55. Why did she tell you?

And would you rather she didn't?

If you find an answer to those questions, you'll know what to do.

Good luck.

[rbnyc]

108. Good questions.

Did she tell you to hurt you, to get a reaction from you, or was she really just trying to come clean?

[uppityperson]

56. oh bloody hell that just sucks. What to do?

breath.

The future is uncertain and therefore very scary. I do not have advice, it is not my place to give advice, am taking your "what do I do" as a rhetorical question. Breath.

[sweetheart]

57. marriage is about love, not sex

Some people feel violated when a partner cheats,
but the question has to be how they are when they are with *you*.
If you, as with your marriage vow, wished her the best happiness, then
you know she made a choice to be happy, however misconstrued others take it.

So the question is, do you love her enough, or is this a sign of her not wanting to be married.
And our promiscuous culture makes such things night inevitable... but the
tragedy is in trust broken, and real love lost for emotion sake.

peace,

[riderinthestorm]

60. Marriage is about love and sex

in my opinion.

I don't understand your statement that "our promiscuous culture makes such things inevitable". I would take a guess that people have been cheating on their partners long before the US was a "promiscuous culture" and in equal numbers to today.

To the OP: I'd say your marriage is finished. You will never trust her again. Ever. The most expensive counseling in the world can't repair the damage. Can you live with that for the rest of your life?

I am so sorry for your pain.

[sweetheart]

61. very physical

European promiscuous culture gets over it, and moves on. The french president has
a daughter from outside wedlock and nobody gives a toss... its puritain redefinition
of marriage as a sexual ownership contract that is askew in all this.

[RagingInMiami]

62. If two people agree to have an open marriage, then more power to them

But if somebody enters a marriage not comfortable with that idea, there is no reason to ridicule them for wanting "sexual ownership".

But it's that attitude which reminds me why I'm not married. Because call it what you want, but if a woman is with me, I expect her to be loyal to me.

[riderinthestorm]

63. I'm confused by your post

You think our (Western ie. European and the US?) culture is "promiscuous" and then have a statement about "puritan redefinition of marriage as a sexual ownership contract"?

I'm not understanding your point.

One can have an open marriage and I'm cool with that as long as it's agreed upon. Or one can have a monogamous marriage - which isn't the same as a "sexual ownership contract" FYI.

Sex is a huge part of marriage and the rules about it are very important to a relationship's success or failure. How often a couple have sex can be a make or break point all on it's own in my opinion. Plus there's satisfaction levels and sex play and toys and all the rest that ramp up the tension factor for a couple.

And straying outside the agreement about sex in a marriage really blows the trust issue completely. The OP's wife committed the sin of virtually dropping the nuclear bomb on their marriage.

[Porcupine]

65. Nah, marraige is about MONEY!!

read the personals. Men more or less bid for women and women sort through them like they were selling a house. Love and sex are merely ways of cementing the business relationship.

[CanuckAmok]

75. DINGDINGDING!

Empty pockets = empty bed.

[Chiyo-chichi]

84. of course, I wasn't at their wedding...

but I'll bet she said something about faithfulness or "forsaking all others" in the wedding vows.

[TransitJohn]

58. Kick her ass to the curb.

Just my vote...relationships are about respect, not cuckoldry.

[Floogeldy]

59. Dude

I don't understand how you are taking this so lightly. If my wife had ever done that it would have been OVER IMMEDIATELY. No questions asked.

:smoke:

[leftofthedial]

66. this does not sound good to me

although her relative honesty is a positive thing

unless you want to have a perpetually open marriage, you need to deal with this. A lack of trust will kill your relationship.

A lack of respect for her will become a lack of respect for yourself. That will kill you.

Get help and determine if you both really want to be in a relationship with one another.

[CanuckAmok]

73. Bullcrap. Her "honesty" is to relieve her own guilt.

If she was really honest and considerate, she wouldn't have fucked someone else. Nobody held a gun to her head; she did what she did knowing the consequences, and banking on the fact that hubby will forgive and everything will be lovely again.

I think we're far too tolerant of infidelity. It's not even a matter for the courts anymore, even though it's a clear breach of a legal contract.

[AngryAmish]

120. Why tell your partner?

All things being equal just telling someone that you cheated is an intentional cruelty. You feel bad? You should because you are a cheating POS. Why create an immense amount of pain in another just to "get something off my chest"?

There is a clear moral difference between a guy/gal who has a fling when out of town and a person who carries on an open relationship at home. You are shaming your partner. It is clearly wrong.

[barb162]

67. Please go to a counselor with or without her.

[reyd reid reed]

68. Y'know...I'm sure that you've gotten a lot of advice in this thread...

And probably a lot of it's conflicting. "Kick her to the curb." "Work it out." "Stick with it." "Walk out."

In the end, you've gotta do what's right for you.

I know what you're going through...not exactly, but pretty damn close. I'm kinda in the same boat myself. If you need someone to talk to that's just gonna listen, let me know.

I've got good ears.

:hug:

[judaspriestess]

69. Why is your wife still talking about this guy?

that seems odd to me. What is her motive? And she will not speak with him if you wanted? You mean she is STILL talking to this dude?

This is definately a cry for attention. The question you need to ask yourself is why? Only you will know. There are no winners but this may just make you stronger.

[Name removed]

79. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[foreigncorrespondent]

70. Dude, only you are your wife can sort this out!

There is always ALWAYS a reason someone cheats on their partner/wife/husband/etc. That reason could be something like the lack of intimacy at home, not a very active sex life, not a great sex life, etc, and no one but your wife knows why she felt the need to seek sex elsewhere.

Your best bet would be actually sitting and talking with your wife about all of this, and finding out exactly why she felt the need to do this. Once that reason is out in the open between the two of you, together you both can work on fixing whatever the actual problem is.

The worst thing you can do is tell her it is ok, not hide it, and basically handing her an open ticket to continue without sorting out the reason behind it. Letting that happen is a sure fire way of having this happen again and again.

I wish you luck, and am so sorry you are going through this.

[RevCheesehead]

71. I'm so sorry.

I can't offer much, except a hug. :hug:

[CanuckAmok]

72. Get rid of her.

Trust me. You may be able to survive this and remain together, but your previously treasured trust is gone forever.

Remaining together is only delaying the inevitable. You may be ale to successfully ignore this incident for 20 years, but one say, during an argument over the most trivial thing, one of you will bring it up and all the old hurts will return.

She didn't confess her infidelity to make you feel better; if she cared about your feelings she wouldn't have fucked someone else in the first place. She confessed to make herself feel better. Why should you be expected to shoulder the burden of easing her guilt? You didn't do anything wrong.

Get rid of her. Go through the mourning while you're young, and when you're ready start a new life with someone who won't fuck you over.

Fucking get rid of her. Kick her out.

She's not worthy of you.

Trust me. I know.

[951-Riverside]

76. If you don't have kids together DUMP THAT BITCH!

[Kailassa]

77. I'm all for forgiveness and second chances.

After all, if every marriage broke up the moment one party or other was unfaithful, there'd be no marriages left. Let's be realistic, in almost every marriage, if one partner doesn't stray the other will, at least once.

However, not everyone who strays first tells their partner about it on a mobile while their partner is on their way to work, over-tired and stressed from having laid awake the night before wondering.

Just what is this bitch doing? Trying to kill you?

Put your foot down, be strong and set down rules. A woman who will do this will never respect you if you just take it with a whimper and allow her to see the man again. If you are going to give her a second chance, she has to know that you don't like what she did, and are not going to tolerate it a second time. Speaking from a woman's point of view, there is nothing sexy about a man who makes a door-mat of himself.

On the other hand, you had better be keeping to the rules you want her to keep to. If she is doing this out of revenge because you were unfaithful to her, that's a whole different story.

[alcibiades_mystery]

80. Bullshit

"Let's be realistic, in almost every marriage, if one partner doesn't stray the other will, at least once."

Don't project.

[Name removed]

86. Deleted sub-thread

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[rbnyc]

109. You really don't think that's true? (nt)

[foreigncorrespondent]

94. Yes, let us get realistic!

After all, if every marriage broke up the moment one party or other was unfaithful, there'd be no marriages left. Let's be realistic, in almost every marriage, if one partner doesn't stray the other will, at least once.

Is that so? My partner (yes, we would be married if we are allowed to be) and I live under the most harsh conditions for any relationship (we live 8,000 miles apart from one another. And only get to see each other maybe 4 to 6 weeks out of each year), yet neither of us have cheated, or think of cheating.

Trouble is, not all marriages/relationships are how you project them to be. Yes, granted it happens more often than not, but do not put am emphasis on this happening in every marriage/relationship, because it simply doesn't.

[Kailassa]

104. As you say yourself, "it happens more often than not",

therefore it's important that many people do manage to forgive and put it behind them. And many do.

I'm an old fashioned romantic myself, and I strongly believe in the importance of being faithful. Unfaithfulness is practically always damaging to a marriage or committed relationship. So I'm happy to hear that you and your partner are managing to stay faithful. I'm in a similar relationship myself, and it's wonderful to have a solid relationship with that very special person even if he is half a world away.

I wish you both well, and hope one day you can be together properly.

[rbnyc]

110. I tend to agree with you.

I'm a married woman who thinks that monogamy is unnatural, but an important choice. I don't think it's okay for people who have taken vows to have affairs whenever they want to. But I do think that it's likely to happen at least once in most relationships, including mine. I'm committed to my marriage, and would rather find a way to re-emphasize the importance of choosing to be faithful and move on.

Actually, I'd rather--if my husband were to have an affair--that he would go through that process on his own and leave me out of it, truth be told.

[Kailassa]

123. But then you'd be wondering why he seemed as though

he was "not there" for you in the marriage.

There's no easy answer, is there.

You're right, a lifetime of monogamy is not natural, it takes hard work and commitment, and although it's not inevitable that any particular person will stuff up, it's inevitable that a certain percentage will.
- just like sex before marriage.

[rbnyc]

131. True...

...definately no easy answer. I probably would sense something was wrong and wish I knew what it was.

I guess I'm pretty lucky we both tend to think about all the possible consequences, and when we get tempted, come home to each other.

[BlueIris]

78. If it were me, I'd be out of there.

No hesitation, no regrets. The whole "protection was involved, blah I won't talk to him again if you don't want, blah BUT I STILL FUCKED ANOTHER GUY WITHOUT REGARD FOR YOUR FEELINGS OR OUR COMMITMENT" bullshit would just reinforce my resolve. Which I wouldn't even need to reinforce because--kind Sir? You guys agreed you both wanted to be married, right? And you, I presume, want to be married to a person who places the marriage on the same level of importance and seriousness that you do, yes? Because that's what self-respecting individuals do? There was no mutual arrangement through which anyone could take on another partner? No sign that she was unhappy enough with the situation to consider an affair? 'Kay, then. What does that make her? You say you love her and you don't want to lose her, but--

you already have. The person you thought you loved and wanted to be with...is either a big, fat liar or totally unprepared to deal with the commitment in the way you both said you wanted to deal with it, or both.

About that lying business...if I were you, I'd book an appointment with my GP and get a complete physical, along with STD screening. Because I'd be questioning everything that ever happened between my ex and me, from the first hook-up on out, and I would be taking my former SO's claims that there had only been one incident and it had "involved" protection (whatever that means) with a gigantic bag of salt. Between calls to my newly acquired divorce attorney, of course.

After making sure I was healthy and safely on the road to being legally unshackled from an adulterous borderline human being, I'd be finding a therapist, to explore why I believed I was only good enough to have someone who would lie to and cheat on me. Actually, I'd do that no matter what I decided to do about my marriage because--there are some important issues there, I think.

Good luck. The Lounge, at least, will be here for you.

[alcibiades_mystery]

81. You forgot the part where you throw her shit out on the curb

That would be my favorite part.

[BlueIris]

82. I might wait for the lab work to come back before destroying belongings.

If my ex's wrongs hadn't damaged my physical health...I think I'd just want the ex out of my life. I wouldn't want to waste my energy throwing and stomping on stuff. I'd save it for the pre-divorce mediations at which joint property and other assets were being divided up. That would get all of my time and attention, yes siree.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

85. This sentence says it all to me:

I am afraid to ask that because it runs the risk of driving this kind of stuff underground and breeding resentment.

Obviously, you don't trust her to be on the up-and-up on this. Therefore, even if you work this out, how can you expect to be able to trust she won't be doing this behind your back later?

As a fellow cheating victim, I have nothing but the utmost sympathy for you, but you know what you have to do here. The trust is gone, and the bottom line is that if she can't be trusted to take your feelings into account before she acts on things, she is unworthy of your love. No marriage counseling is going to change that.

[Deja Q]

87. *DING* *DING* *DING* We have a winner.

Even me, an eccentric oddball Aspie, knows enough about human emotions not to play that sort of shit against another human. Especially one in those circumstances.

[Sequoia]

88. She calls you on the way to work.

Great way to have an accident. Guess she'd planned it all along. Some ship in the night or a guy she knows? I'm sorry you have to go through this pain. Don't suffer in silence and don't feel ashamed or even blame yourself. So she won't talk to him again? No, not when your around that's for sure. Does she really want a divorce and did this to bring it about maybe? I wish we could give you a group hug; betrayal is such a heartbreak. Don't do what I did wah back when and put up with it. It slowly erroded our relationship and we broke up. I felt like a fool for hanging on so long because if it "meant nothing" to him then why did he do it when he "cared so much about me"...bla, bla, bla. Lies, just lies.

[Kailassa]

92. You have latched onto the point that concerns me most.

People can make mistakes. People can apologise, and forgive, and work on repairing a relationship.

But that takes two people, and if one is idiotic to let her partner know about her unfaithfulness while he's driving, that suggests she does not care about him in the slightest.

One has to be prepared to go it alone before one can see logically what their partner is doing. As it seems you have found, there are many worse things than being single.

I wish you happiness, and a partner you can trust.

[_testify_]

117. So the problem is how she let him know?

Not that she did it in the first place?

There are two things that can never be excused in a relationship - violence and infidelity. And as for the notion that cheating is somehow forgivable because, hey, lots of people do it - that just means lots of people are assholes who deserve to be alone.

[Kailassa]

124. You appear to have missed the words: "while he was driving" ...

There are many ways to break such news to someone, and telling it to them while they are driving sounds more like an attempt to make them have an accident than a remorseful effort to confess to something.

My parents struggled in difficult conditions to raise seven children. It was common knowledge that my father was having affairs, he was violent, and I'd agree that he did not deserve to keep his wife and family. However, my mother stuck with him to keep the family together, as she wanted us kids to still have a father. The fault was not all on his side either, she was not only frigid, I have reason to suspect she was a lesbian at heart and could never acknowledge it, but she was proud of her frigidity, and disgusted by the idea of anyone enjoying sex. ... Marriage is complicated, you know. It's all too easy to judge someone for an obvious wrong, and not see the little wrongs that led to it.

Anyway, us kids had a stable home and family, and by the time they hit their fifties, they gradually fell in love again. And then they had a true friend in each other. Having been through so much, and forgiven so much, their faces would light up when they saw each other, and they each had the luxury of having someone who truly understood them.

I'm not saying anyone should forgive a straying spouse, But my parents' story is not unusual. Many people have forgiven, and been glad later that they did.

I forgave, and it turned out to be pointless, but at least doing that left me with no regrets, as it was important to me to do my utmost to keep our family together.

[Sequoia]

118. Thanks. I have.

That was long ago when I was young and dumb, well clueless anyway. He told me when we were eating dinner in a crowded place. Like, my meal was ruined and I couldn't yell at him with all those people around. I never ever like to cause a scene. Be vewy, vewy, quite...wabbit.

[Kailassa]

125. Yep, your heart is tearing up inside, and there are no words

anyway. It's shock, not just the crowd around.

I hope either he changed or you found someone worth being with.

:grouphug:

[Hosnon]

130. That shows, to me, that she considered not telling and knew that she had

to just blurt it out the first chance she got or else she may not do it at all.

Her confession was not about him...purely to relieve her guilt and get it out in the open.

[Sequoia]

89. She calls you on the way to work.

Great way to have an accident. Guess she'd planned it all along. Some ship in the night or a guy she knows? I'm sorry you have to go through this pain. Don't suffer in silence and don't feel ashamed or even blame yourself. So she won't talk to him again? No, not when your around that's for sure. Does she really want a divorce and did this to bring it about maybe? I wish we could give you a group hug; betrayal is such a heartbreak. Don't do what I did wah back when and put up with it. It slowly erroded our relationship and we broke up. I felt like a fool for hanging on so long because if it "meant nothing" to him then why did he do it when he "cared so much about me"...bla, bla, bla. Lies, just lies.

[MoseyWalker]

90. Join the club

I found out many years later from the bastard that did it with her.

Sorry to say, I overreacted, maybe.

I smashed him into a wall, beat the fuck out of him, and stuffed his semi lifeless ass up the chimney.

Don't follow my example. I was wrong.

Damn. It did feel good though.

[Juffo Wup]

93. Allow a cold-hearted bastard to chime in

with the chorus of people saying that it's time she start looking for a new place of residence and a lawyer on par with Perry Mason.

[BlueIris]

96. In case you're still reading, I'll repost my hope that you get a check-up.

ASAP. Seriously, you don't know what's been going on with your partner. I know it might sounds like an over-reaction to you, considering the state you're in, but dude. You need to make sure you're healthy. Go get some cultures, blood work, and whatever else your doc wants done after hearing what happened--now. Then you can have some peace of mind, or if (Gods forbid) there's a problem, do what needs to be done to stay as healthy as you can from now on. Good luck again. I think you're going to need it.

[ikojo]

97. I don't know what to say...my male roommate

is currently involved with a married woman. She came onto him several years ago when they both worked together (and yes she was married at the time). He brushed her off then but has now become sexually involved with her. They live in different states so they don't get to see one another that often. They DO talk to one another EVERY DAY for approx two hours (I know because I get the cell phone bill). I have seen them IM one another for 12 hours on a weekend day. I find it sad because she had a kid at home and he has a kid he's not seen since last summer.

They are going on a cruise She has told her husband that she is going with the girls. She has said nothing about my roommate. It will be like two teenagers. They have both been working on losing weight and getting into shape the past few months so that they can keep up with one another if you know what I mean.

I think once a cheat always a cheat. A boundary has been crossed and trust betrayed. She, like my roommate's love interest, needs to make a decision as to what she wants.

I have told my roommate what I think of this tryst and what I think of the woman who is betraying her marital vows as well as her kid.

[Name removed]

98. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[FILAM23]

99. If you can

  forgive and work it out good for you. 
  However to really make it work, you must 
  also forget and never mention it again. If
  that is impossible then kick her tu the curb now.

[NNadir]

103. Um stoning? Let me get this straight...

...are you nostalgic for the death penalty for infidelity?

[Kailassa]

105. Only for female infidelity, from the sounds of it.

Despite every statistic indicating that men cheat more often than women do.

I have a deep suspician that the people who take the harshest judgemental attitudes are those most likely to stray themselves, and that you, who've advocated making an attempt to work things out, would be more likely than most to be faithful.

People always have the most anger and hatred towards traits that they share and are trying to hide.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

112. As a victim who wishes no ill will towards my cheating ex...

I don't agree at all with the statement about stoning. I do take issue with your claims of statistics that men cheat more often than women. I know far and away more women whom have cheated than men. I do believe I'd like you to cite something there.

[Kailassa]

126. Well, here is one site for you.

http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelitystats.html

I would never suggest, or believe, that women are superior to men. We're all different, and still tend to have different roles in society, and that leads to it being more likely for one sex to be good or bad in particular ways than for the other to.

The more you are out and about in society, the easier it is to have affairs, so in the past, when more women were at home, it was more difficult for them to have affairs than it was for their husbands. I am also convinced that being around children all day stuffs up a person's libido to the extent where they are unlikely to want sex with anyone. And of course that does not help men, who are out in the workforce and coming home to a tired disinterested wife, to stay faithful.

I'm not saying it's an excuse, btw, I'm just more interested in seeing what happens, and why, than in judging anyone.

With more women being in the workforce these days, and less having babies, I'd expect the proportions to be starting to even out, but I have not been able to find more recent statistics.

It could be that your own experience is influenced by your own personality. Perhaps, being a man who is inclined to be sincere and faithful, you have tended to surround yourself with the same sort of male friends. Whatever it is, I find it terribly sad that women are taking a more "male" attitude to sex these days, and more are looking for frequent casual sex with strangers.

Even more so for a woman than for a man, really good sex is most likely in a committed, loving relationship. Us women are all different, and learning to make a particular woman happy takes time. And learning to feel relaxed enough with a guy to show him how takes a lot of trust.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

127. Perhaps this is the reason for my perspective

Younger people are more likely candidates; in fact, younger women are as likely as younger men to be unfaithful.

I'm 26. This is perhaps why I see things the way I do. And like you said about more women in the workforce and such, I'm not so sure that's going to change.

Basically, I agree with everything you just said.

[MissMillie]

100. Lots of advice here... I won't add to it (not specifically)

only you know your wife and have any clue about whether or not you can believe if she's sorry or not.

:hug:

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

I do think you need to decide which option, should it go poorly, will leave you with the most regret.

If you take her back and she does it again will you be more regretful that if you leave her now and find that she really did mean it when she said it wouldn't happen again?

Only you can know which would bring you the most heartbreak.

[BreweryYardRat]

101. Boot. Bitch. Curb.

This is no high-school or college temporary relationship (and don't I sound like a hypocrite?). She married you, and that's supposed to be an unbroken commitment. By cheating on you...and not just by being in lust with someone, but by being "at least infatuated", she's broken that commitment irrevocably. If it had just been lust, it could've possibly been forgiven. Infatuation, etc...? Nope.

It's too late for you to find the guy and semi-legally beat the shit out of him (EED), unfortunately.

[El Fuego]

113. It's a "deal breaker." But WHY did she tell you?

First of all, she did it, but then she has to devastate you by actually telling you about it.

Did she tell you to relieve any guilt she may feel?

Or is she trying to start the beginning of the end your marriage, her way of signaling she wants out?

Or does she think it's so casual that it's "nothing"?

Or does she have some misguided twisted sense of personal integrity, like it's OK to cheat as long as you're honest about it?

You need to ask her why she thought you needed to know.

[Chiyo-chichi]

115. He had told her that "IF" she ever cheated, she should tell him.

Giant Robot, if you are out there, check in and let us know how you're doing. I've been through a similar situation. I feel for ya.

[CraftyGal]

119. I understand what you are going through.....

I went through this 13 yrs ago with my ex-husband. I actually walked in on him and my ex-best friend in the sack.

Some suggestions:

1) if you decide to stay together get some serious counscelling...both individual and couple. This isn't going to heal overnight. There will be trust issues.

2) you could kick her out and go through a messy divorce.

3) you could separate for an agreed amount of time and include counseling in that time period.

I hope this helps, please let me know.

Crafty :hug:

[gizmo1979]

121. My wife did that years ago.

I was crushed but we stayed together,but it's never the same.I still don't trust her totally.I don't give my love as freely I'm guarded and distant.If I had to do it all againI would have gotten a divorce and lived the loners life.

[Xithras]

122. How about a different perspective.

Feel free to do whatever you want with this opinion, because it's certainly not mainstream.

What is the basis of your fear? Are you angry because she shared something that you thought was exclusively yours? Or are you scared that you're going to lose her? The two are vastly different things, and require different approaches. If you are the type that simply requires absolute fidelity for ethical/moral/possessive reasons, then I suggest you go into counseling as a couple. If, on the other hand, your anger is sourced in fear of losing your partner, then I do suggest that you talk directly to her about it.

According to some estimates, up to 70% of marriages experience infidelity by one or more of the partners at some point. In most cases, the reason for the infidelity is short term boredom, a desire to explore something new, or even simple opportunism...the person was horny, the partner wasn't available, and someone else was willing. None of these are indicators of a bad marriage or necessarily need to lead to divorce.

I'm not going to go into the details of my marriage, but my wife has slept with a couple of other guys since we've been married (she's bi, and the encounters grew out of that...that's all I'm saying ). The fact that she slept with those guys has never bothered me. Why not? Because I understood a few things. First, I knew the situations they occurred in, and that it was more situational sex...a relationship wasn't going to grow out of it, and the sex was unlikely to occur again. Second, I understood that my wife is a sexually adventurous person, and always has been. That's not a slight on me, it's simply her personality. Third, I knew that she was rabid about safe sex, and that she wouldn't be bringing any diseases or pregnancies home.

Basically, I understood that the encounters weren't a danger to my marriage unless I wanted them to be. I'm secure in my belief that she isn't going anywhere, and that the rare sexual fling with another guy is just that...rare, and only sexual. If she was doing it all the time, or if she were regularly seeing someone, that would be indicative of a serious problem in the marriage, but three ont-time encounters in 15 years doesn't worry me in the least. I understand that my wife is not my property, though I do demand emotional fidelity, so I'm not any more resentful of those sexual encounters than I am of her vibrator.

You need her to answer one question, and then answer another yourself. Why did she sleep with him? And are you OK with that reason? If it was just a situational opportunity, a one night stand, and your marriage is working well otherwise, I personally think you should just put it behind you (assuming that your moral/ethical code doesn't interfere). If this is indicative of other problems in your relationship, see a counselor asap.

[RedCloud]

134. Here it is Thursday and I am just getting to this?

What kind of monster am I?




«She called me back on the way to work and told me straight away that she had sex with one of the guys down there.»
It would have been better in person. Did she break down? Did she cry? Did she seem disappointed in herself? Did she try to justify it?

«I am confident that this was the first time»
Man but I had something like this happen to me and you can flip the replay switch of when it could have happened prior... I did that... Now I am not with her... Too many unexplained mysteries popped out.

«But I'm scared to death because I can see how she looks when she talks about this guy, and it is clearly infatuation at least to me.»
Are you afraid to lose her? How long has she known this guy? Were they intimate before you got together with her?

«I always said that if she slept with someone tell me upfront and I would be a lot happier than if she hid it. I appreciate the honesty, but now what? She said she would not speak with him again if I wanted. I am afraid to ask that because it runs the risk of driving this kind of stuff underground and breeding resentment. But I also don't want it to continue on the road it looks like it is going cause...well I don't want to lose her. I do love her.»

I think you need her opinion on you.

«I feel very scared and alone with this. I told a friend of mine, but can't think of anyone else I can process this with because who wants to admit this. So, fuck, what do I do? I feel like the train is coming and I am standing in the tracks.»

Well I guess since a few days have passed things should have reached some level of discussion. If it isn't something you feel you can talk about with her, think about what that means.

I am all for being noble and forgiving the woman for the simple reason that I think most women will forgive the man, maybe I am naive there. But if she is into exploring options, then it may be time to face the other side of the track and check out of Dodge.