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To everyone with a fucked up dysfunctional asshole father,

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Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 07:01 PM
Original message
To everyone with a fucked up dysfunctional asshole father,
on this father's day, I wish you happy healing, sound self-esteem, and a brief respite from the rampant and unthinking celebration that would have us believe that all fatherhood is godly, blessed, without pain, and worth honoring our father's for.

It is you who have/had shitty fathers who I think about on this father's day, and I wish you well.

:hugs:
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wildhorses Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 07:07 PM
Response to Original message
1. thanks, Rabrrrrrrrrrr
Edited on Sun Jun-18-06 07:09 PM by wildhorses
my Father was a good Dad when we were young children and I am grateful for that...he was always selfish in that his career was his "god" and our family suffered as a result. In later years he sustained a closed head injury. If you have ever dealt with a TBI (traumatic brain injury) then you know how baffling it can be...Although in body my father still walks this earth, the man I know and loved is far, far away...



edited for my usual typos
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Karenca Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 07:07 PM
Response to Original message
2. Thank you....
Father's Day is a difficult day for me.
Even though he passed 9 years ago.
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unsavedtrash Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 07:10 PM
Response to Original message
3. thank you so much for this!
I have been celebrating my mom on this day since I was six.
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u4ic Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 07:15 PM
Response to Original message
4. Thanks, Rabrrrrrrr
from one of those you mentioned. :hug:

For me, a large part of my healing is believing that fatherhood is 'godly, blessed and worth honouring', that there are fathers who are like that - that mine is the exception, rather than the rule.

I only hope that I don't go to my grave as hated as he will be, by so many...



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Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 07:31 PM
Response to Reply #4
5. You are all welcome!
I know it can be tough for many on father's and mother's days, hearing all the fluffy goody goody stuff about the love and care of parents.

I especially cringe when preachers do it in sermons on these days, delivering a sermon to the glory of mother- and father-hood, while plenty of their parishioners are sitting in the pews with shitty parents, abusive parents, absent parents, parents who abandoned them for liquor or careers or other people or hobbies...

My kudos to you all!
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ismnotwasm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 07:31 PM
Response to Original message
6. Good for you
Mine isn't so bad now. He tries very hard, helps out a lot. I paid him back in spades when I was a teenager and young adult, almost a natural result from how I was raised, but I'm grown now and responsible for my own.
Yet every Fathers day, I think, shit It's Father's day again. He's aging, I'm grown, and I make the token gestures, because I don't want him to feel bad. If he can make the effort--and he does-- to be the best father he is capable of being, then I can make the effort to be the best daughter I am capable of being.

I sometimes wish for something different, but I got what I got, and there are so many who have had it so much worse.

So this is a good thread for those feelings and I'm with you-- for any out there in pain for whatever reason, those who had shitty or absent fathers, or who lost their fathers, who CAN'T celebrate this day, I wish you well also.
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Misunderestimator Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 07:32 PM
Response to Original message
7. Here's to my father!
Thanks, dad, for finally changing. It's the only reason we still know eachother.
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tallahasseedem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 07:51 PM
Response to Original message
8. Thank you.
I haven't seen my sperm donor in 16 years. This day is for my husband and how wonderful he is to our children.
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Guava Jelly Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 08:01 PM
Response to Original message
9. As a owner of a Shitty father
I thank you for this thread.
Dna doesn't make a father..Acts make a father.
I Take my hat off to men who became fathers to children not of thier DNA...to me thats really really F-n Cool!!
And they deserve more than just one day!!
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KitchenWitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 08:04 PM
Response to Original message
10. Thank you Rabrrrrrr
Does RW Fundy Freeper nutcake of a father count?
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leftofthedial Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 08:05 PM
Response to Original message
11. son? is that you?
I always knew you'd turn out like

that
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Redstone Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 08:08 PM
Response to Original message
12. Mine wasn't great when I was a kid. I got beaten a lot.
But fortunately, upon his initiative, we forged a manageable truce about ten years before he died.

Redstone
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NNadir Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 08:18 PM
Response to Original message
13. My father's father drank like hell, frequently disappeared, beat my
Edited on Sun Jun-18-06 08:20 PM by NNadir
grandmother and once tried to burn her face off with a hot iron. Once he disappeared for more than a decade, came back, and started getting drunk and beating everyone again, knocking my grandmother up with yet another child that he could abandon.

The last time my father saw his father, my father threw his father down the stairs and told him never to set foot in that house again. My father's father never came back. He didn't dare to do so.

My father's father was murdered in a bar and the cops didn't even bother looking for the killer.

My father, never a wealthy man, not well educated, treated me like a little prince. He was loving, kind, generous, caring, helpful, supportive. He worked hard and he loved my mother gently until she died. Practically everyone who knew my father loved him and respected him, including his second wife and all her children.

My father spoke very little of his own father, but when he did, searched for the few positive things he could find. For this, for his forgiveness, I always think of my father as a great man, and now, thirteen years after losing him, I think how wonderful it was to have a day to celebrate him.

Maybe the little holiday isn't for everyone, but the world has enough bitterness and misery. I am thankful for the few good things that remain, one of them being the memory of my father. I am grateful for all the special time there was to stop for one minute to say what he meant to me.

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Lilith Velkor Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 08:19 PM
Response to Original message
14. I just spent the day in the emergency room with mine
I didn't even know it was fucking father's day. Holy shit.

Ah well, time to call the hospital again...
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wildhorses Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 09:53 PM
Response to Reply #14
17. good grief...what happened???
keep us posted....
:hug:
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IsIt1984Yet Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 08:21 PM
Response to Original message
15. As the mother of a son with a fucked up dysfunctional asshole father...
Thanks.
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TallahasseeGrannie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 09:48 PM
Response to Original message
16. I had a great Daddy
Edited on Sun Jun-18-06 09:48 PM by TallahasseeGrannie
but my husband is burdened with a DAF.
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In_The_Wind Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 09:56 PM
Response to Original message
18. I wish his life had been happier.

Thanks for this thread.
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fudge stripe cookays Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 10:44 PM
Response to Original message
19. My dad was awesome.
It's the fucked up dysfunctional asshole mother that he left me with when he died that I have the problem with.
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WCGreen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 10:55 PM
Response to Original message
20. Why do you hate "Merika.....
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riderinthestorm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-18-06 11:26 PM
Response to Original message
21. Unfortunately I'm in this club too.
I just couldn't bring myself to call him today. I don't want him in my life anymore (insert sordid family horror/war story here, not even worth the energy to type).

Since my husband and kids are gone camping, I turned the phone off today and hibernated with some books to avoid the sugar shock of Father's Day.

It's been a blissfully tranquil day as a result.
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clyrc Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-19-06 01:51 AM
Response to Original message
22. Well, thanks
It wasn't much fun growing up and being sure my dad hated me. Now that I'm older I know he had his own massive problems he never dealt with, or had any clue of how to deal with, and that he loves me in his own detached way. But it's still hard. I married a man I knew would be a good dad so my kids wouldn't go through what I did, and so far that's worked out well.

But thank you so much for the acknowledgment.
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Skittles Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-19-06 02:01 AM
Response to Original message
23. I hear you
mine committed suicide at age 50 :(
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IsIt1984Yet Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-19-06 06:47 AM
Response to Reply #23
24. Aww jeez....
I'm so sorry.
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Brewman_Jax Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-19-06 07:33 AM
Response to Original message
25. Thanks
:hi: I did my Father's Day duty and called him. I spent the day before at the house lifting heavy things and moving other heavy things. Both are not in good health and can't do a lot of things anymore. My youngest brother was there yesterday (Father's Day) and never got over the fact that Dad never really wanted the job.
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raccoon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-19-06 08:18 AM
Response to Original message
26. Thank you!

My father was a spoiled brat and an abusive alcoholic butthead.

He died from drinking before age 50.

I had a nice stepfather but that wasn't until I was already a grownup. But I guess better late than never.
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ThomCat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-19-06 09:13 AM
Response to Original message
27. Thank you Rabrrrrr!
The last father's day card I sent me dad (18 years ago) said something along the lines of,

Outside: Dad, I want you to take a moment to remember all the time we've spent together.... All the things we've done....

Inside: And try to have a happy father's day anyway.

The bastard's not dead yet. :grr:
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Beware the Beast Man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-19-06 09:49 AM
Response to Original message
28. Thanks, Rabrrrrrr.
I haven't had a reason to celebrate Father's day in over 25 years.
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txwhitedove Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-19-06 12:49 PM
Response to Original message
29. Thanks for a compassionate thread for those without a Dear Dad...
Nothing is without pain, but fatherhood should be godly and blessed. I was lucky to be raised by both grandparents, so my Grandpa was my Dad and buddy. Alas, he's been dead for 28-years. My children call me both Mom&Dad. No one wants it to be 'dadless', I fought for it not to be this way, but it just is.
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Radio_Lady Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-19-06 01:03 PM
Response to Original message
30. UPDATE: My husband heard from 3/5ths of our kids. The other 2/5ths
(my two stepdaughters) remain estranged. It's their loss -- my husband is an amazing father and grandfather. And, of course, we have more time and are much more mellow than in earlier days. The three adult children who are still in touch with us have our help, love, and whatever financial benefits we can be to them and their children.

So be it. He (we) tried his best to raise his two daughters, whose mother died when they were 11 and 8 years old. However, they are intractable in their disassociation with this family since 1998.





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