I suspect my neighbor is beating his wife

[retrospective66]

I haven't seen a thing. No bruises on her, but I hear stuff.

A couple of nights ago, I was up late on DU like I am now, and heard a strange kind of whining. If human, it was someone in lots of pain. Ooooooooohaw, Ooooooohaw. It stopped for a minute or so then I heard 2 more. What made me hesitate is that I know this guy doesn't drink... Pretty rare for a 20-something guy in this area. Plus they've got 2 young children and seem to be "making it"

And then tonight I heard him yelling and stuff breaking. Now I'm almost sure what I heard before was the result of something he may have done to her; plus why was she in my bushes that night? (the sound seemed to be coming from there)

As you can see, I'm doing alot of speculating. Which is why I haven't called the cops. Should I try to befriend her and see what I can figure out of all this?

[WindRavenX]

1. honestly...

I would call the cops next time you hear something. I know we often don't mean to intrude/speculate, but in these cases...it could be deadly if you don't do something.

[retrospective66]

16. He'll know I did it

And our DA is not the best. He pobably wouldn't do anything unless a mountain of proof fell on his head. The wife might not even go with it. So where would I be?

There is no one else nearby. And if he's truly a wife beater, what's to stop him from coming over here and doing something about me...this uppity B? We've got a German Shepard and lots of guns but hubby is gone with his job alot. My dog is fiercly protective of me but all that would take is a gunshot. I know how to shoot too- I've lived in Maine a long time, but in such a situation, would I freak out?

I want to help but as you can see, it's kind of scary.

[WindRavenX]

18. I know it's scary, but in these cases, you have to have the courage...

I know that isn't much help, but how would you feel if she did die or go to the hospital? You have the power to help her. :hug:

[Haole Girl]

49. I agree

Better safe than sorry.

[SeattleGirl]

19. Do you happen to know anything about domestic violence laws

in your area? Here in Seattle, when there is a DV call, ONE of the parties is going to get taken away, at least temporarily. This came about because of the large number of people who call (and I'm not talking about neighbors calling, but about the victim calling), and then refusing to press charges. DV calls are some of the absolute worst calls cops get, and finally, the lawmakers decided to do something, to at least get one of the parties (the one who was perpetrating the violence, of course) out of the house). Plus, since they have children, even if they are not being beaten themselves, they are witness to at least the sounds of the abuse, if not the sight of it. The kids could benefit from a call too.

I'm not absolutely sure about this one, but I don't know that you have to give your name in reporting suspected DV.

If you don't know what the laws are, you might be able to find out online through the government's access site. I absolutely undertand your concern for your own safety, and I would never suggest you knowingly put yourself in harms' way. I hope you figure something out, for your neighbor's sake, without endangering yourself.

[retrospective66]

21. It wouldn't matter if I gave my name or not

We are his only neighbors.

And I know you mean well, but taking him away for a night will only cool his anger for the moment. Because we are so rural, we are his family`kind-of-sort-of. They'll see me everyday going out to get my mail or playing with the dog ect. At some point this guy, who KNOWS I turned him in will probably turn on me.

That's why I want good proof. If I befriend the wife, I could get pictures and hopefully her statement. One DU poster made a great point by saying that too could be dicey. Often battered wives go back and once she tells the as-h-le everything, I'd be in for it. But I'd rather be in-for-it with proof of who this guy is then not.

[LeftyMom]

2. Call the cops next time

If you're wrong you'll ruin thier evening and inconveneince the cops, but if you're right you could spare her and the kids a lot of grief. After all if he hits her he'll probably hit them too and even if he doesn't they'll still suffer seeing thier mother hurt.

[Floogeldy]

3. You really do not know what is going on.

But you can always call the cops and request a "check on the welfare" of a person at that address. :)

[SeattleGirl]

4. I agree with WindRavenx

If it turns out to be nothing, then at least you had it checked into. If there IS something wrong there, your call may help prevent something bad from happening.

BTW, people don't have to be drinkers to be abusers (though adding drink can make an abuser even worse).

[bridgit]

5. drop a dime on that punk...

[Floogeldy]

6. "Drop A Dime"

That is a collokweeallizm for making a phone call. Ha ha. Very clever.

[bridgit]

7. yeah, these days it's more like 'drop a 50ct piece', inflation & all...

x(

[Floogeldy]

9. God bless the children who don't have cell phones.

[bridgit]

15. yup...

[radwriter0555]

29. Oh hell no, it's more like "buy a phone card, scratch off to reveal the

code... dial 1-888-phone call from hell....."

[bridgit]

43. bwhaha, you got that right, "don't you move you s.o.b., till i scratch...

this shit off'a here; HEY! i said don't move!!" :rofl:

[dorktv]

8. Here is the phone! Call 9/11 the second you hear that again.

Better safer then sorry...always.

[XemaSab]

11. Call September 11th?

Call it what exactly? :shrug:

[Floogeldy]

17. Why U little . . . .

:spank: :spank: :spank: :spank: :spank:

[dorktv]

28. a tragedy that Bush should be ashamed of exploiting.

[Floogeldy]

12. "than" sorry.

Better safer than sorry. Thank you.

[dorktv]

30. *blows a raspberry at you*

[swag]

10. I suspect you're right.

If I were you, I would call the cops if you hear or see such things again.

[idgiehkt]

13. I would call the cops, but part two I don't know about

On the befriend her thing...that might be an exercise in frustration. That is what the cops are there for. If you befriend her you might get caught in the cross-fire one day, especially if she has stockholm syndrome and keeps going back, which she probably will since there are kids involved. I mean, I wouldn't turn her away if she running from him one night or something, but just be careful, because those relationships are basically the same as if the person is shooting heroin alot of times. They kick and then relapse, kick and then relapse...and being involved in something like that can make you sick yourself. Remember that it is a very dangerous situation for you as well. It's possible that since you are going to call the police, the less association you have with that family the better, so he won't suspect you. It's sad, and it sounds harsh, but just be careful.

[txwhitedove]

14. Yelling, breaking, moaning, hiding in bushes.....

YES, call the cops next time you hear this.  Yes, befriend
that woman now, kindly.  If she hardly looks you in the eye,
she's beaten.  If you befriend her, then He also knows she has
a friend in the neighborhood.  No alcohol?  Not even beer? 
The abusive person doesn't really need a drug or a reason, the
rage and abuse is a high.  

[liberaltrucker]

20. CALL THE COPS-IMMEDIATELY UPON HEARING THAT STUFF

you may save a life.

[hfojvt]

22. I suspect a DUer is beating another DUer

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x5217883#5217946

what should I do?

I prefer the befriend route rather than involving the fuzz. I am not sure what you are hearing. Are you in a woods, because animals make some strange sounds out there. Are you sure it is coming from the house? If it is coming from the bushes, why did you think it was her.

As far as yelling and breaking things. You should perhaps hear me, or not, when my computer locks up. Then again, I do have anger management issues. Fortunately, I live alone.

[retrospective66]

23. Love the empathy in your voice....

n/t

[philosophie_en_rose]

24. Call the Police.

You're in danger, regardless of what you do. When batterers kill - they often take out people near the victim's home.

If you need more specific safety plans, you could try contacting a victim service agency. They will help you develop a safety plan, and could even offer assistance to the victim.

[txwhitedove]

25. Agree....

batterers don't stop with the wives.  They start on the kids
or a child tries to intervene.  Good advice to work out a
plan.  

[Floogeldy]

26. Hell yea get out of there before your neighbor murders you.

[britpopper]

27. I am a cop and you can call me...

Domestic Disturbance calls are definitely one of our most common calls, granted, not every one ends in an arrest, but it is definitely better to be safe than sorry...we get many anonymous calls from people just requesting either a welfare check on someone or just simply call because they hear things breaking next door.
If you feel bad calling on suspected violence, just report it to the dispatcher as a "possible break-in" because you can hear stuff breaking and are afraid to look outside...trust me, that's pretty common too.
Here in Southern California, someone goes to jail on any suspicion of domestic violence, doesn't have to be a serious injury, sure, most get out next morning, but if he has any criminal history whatsoever or if there is any injury whatsoever, his chances of prolonging his jail stay increases. Nowadays, men know if they hit, they better not leave marks or bruises, so head trauma is getting more common, it's hard to see through a head of hair, but a hospital visit can reveal the truth.
I've seen too many women afraid to call after getting slapped and bruised and when someone finally does call, they are hospitalized in critical condition after a severe beating...and guess what, if he beats the wife, odds are he beats the kids too...
Please call if you slightly suspect something...

[retrospective66]

33. Wow, thanks

I like the "suspected break in thing" it sounds like my best hope. But I'm still afraid of this guy. I live in the middle of no where and if he gets mad that I called "a suspected break in" he might turn. This is a guy who almost shot a distant neighbor's dog for going on his property. There's no way that dog would ever go there again (too far away and responsible owners) yet he put up a sign about trespass (like the dog's gonna read it :eyes:) I know this type. My dad was just like him. His home is his castle and he has the right to do whatever. Hell, it's HIS (not the family's) property he is smashing, and he has every right to. (In his pinhead mind)

The next time I hear or see something I will call. But I won't say I'm not worried. It's scary to be a woman out here by yourself. I've got my gun and my dog will alert me but still, it's unlikely that I have a cop anywhere within 10 miles of me and sometimes much more then that. Plus, everyone and their brother owns scanners up here. He'd have time... oh never mind

Maine has a very low crime rate. But Domestic Violence makes up the majority of the homicides we do have, Scary stuff, but I have a moral obligation to help this woman in every way I can. Thank you for the info.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

52. Uhm, if he's shooting animals, YOU MUST CALL THE COPS

Killing animals (not while hunting) is typically a common theme amongst people who would later commit murder. Keep your doors locked and make that call.

[HEyHEY]

31. That's a tough situation

Really, the only thing to do is call the police next time. Even if you're wrong, it's for a good cause.

[Robeson]

32. She was hiding in your bushes? Call the damn police....

...what are you waiting for?

[gkdmaths]

34. I'd like to play the devil's advocate for a minute.

Im in the same (sort of) situation. My partner has develpoed severe OCD/Turrets over the past three year (it has become very bad). Many nights she will encounter one of her 'trigger' situations in which she becomes unpredictable, and many times I cannot calm her. she becomes very loud, scared and confused in her lack of control. I would get out of the relationship if I thought it would do her any good, but at this point it would be detrimental to her progress in treatment.

my neighbors also think i beat her, but of course have never seen a bruise, etc.

I do not beat her; never have, never will.

I appreciate the fact that the neighbors have not called the police, sparing me the embarrassment, of what I will not say here.

I think, rather than simply call the police next time, observe the situation as best you can and use your best judgement to make the correct decision. Im not saying that you should not take aciton if someone is in danger, just make sure it is danger they are in.

[951-Riverside]

35. BEFORE YOU CALL!

If you can please record the noises because if she denies abuse and they can't find any evidence nothing will be done and the abuse will continue but he will probably change his methods.

I've heard a child screaming not too far from me but I really haven't had any luck locating where its coming from and although I did record the noises CPS couldn't do anything understandably.

[philosophie_en_rose]

38. BEFORE YOU RECORD

Realize that it's illegal to record voices without permission in some states. Be sure to look up the law in your state or contact a professional.

The best gift you could give the victim is to call the police, provide a written statement, and then testify!

[951-Riverside]

41. NICE TRY philosophie_en_rose

Unless he sticks this recording device into their home or records their phone calls without their permission he doesnt havent to consult a lawyer because he has a right to record from his own property or outside in a public area so poster if you can get this son of a bitch on tape (audio or video) abusing this woman please please please turn it in, trust me you have nothing to fear legally.

[BlueIris]

36. I cannot believe you haven't called the police already. And SHAME

on all of the Loungers who would rationalize this person--or any one of you--IGNORING a potential domestic violence situation. SHAME. What the fuck is this, 1950?! There are children involved in this potentially deadly scenario and even if there were not...I just, I cannot believe the number of folks here who would even consider not involving law enforcement. Disgusting. I hope I never live near any of you, who might want to give any potential spousal or child abusers near me the "benefit of the doubt" before calling the authorities. Sick (also selfish and cowardly).

[KyndCulture]

46. I'm shocked.

At some of the responses in this thread.

WTF are people thinking.

[ScreamingMeemie]

37. Better safe than sorry. I would call and give voice to your suspicions.

Even if it were to turn out to be a case of a caterwauling cat in the bushes and vocal discussions next door...it can't hurt to care.

[NewWaveChick1981]

39. Best thing you can do is call the cops for a "welfare check"

when you hear it again. About fifteen years ago, I lived in an apartment downstairs from a couple who had a small child and obvious marital problems. There was a lot of yelling at times, and I was awakened at 3 AM one morning to the sounds of flying objects and screaming and scuffling. I was horrified and called the police. I wasn't the only neighbor in the building who called, either. I heard the police arrive, and they arrested the guy. I saw the woman the next day, and she had lots of bruises on her face and arms. I said hello, and she looked very down and depressed. I asked if she was OK, and she just started crying. She said her husband was gone and she didn't know if he'd be back. (I guess she didn't think I knew he had been taken away in handcuffs.) I told her I was sorry and that if she ever needed help to come and get me, day or night. She thanked me and went on about her business. She moved out in the middle of the night that night, taking only clothing and her child, and she went to a women's shelter. She called me a few days later to let me know where she was and to ask that if her husband came back there NOT to tell him where she was. I agreed. He came back and got all the stuff out of the apartment a few days later, and I never saw him there again. I always wondered if she stayed away from him, because from there, I have no idea what happened.

If you do nothing, she may be in mortal danger. It's better if you do something, even if you're not sure it will work.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

40. You SHOULD call the cops.

Just calling the cops does nothing but have them make sure she's okay. It's worth the call.

[zanne]

48. PLEASE call the cops.

My first husband was abusive. When you're a battered wife, you find out very quickly that nobody is going to come to your rescue because they don't want to get "involved". Your neighbors and friends are useless, even if they SEE it happening. PLEASE, PLEASE call the cops next time. It may end up that the wife will not want to press charges. It may even be a case of over-the-top sex play. But imagine you suspected a child was being beaten. Wouldn't you call the cops then?

[auntAgonist]

42. There is no harm

in calling the police. There is a lot of potential harm if you don't. Someone's life may be at stake. The mother and the child are not safe if there is an abusive situation. Knowing what you know, or think you know, how could you in good conscience NOT call the police?

Call, you may save lives.

aA

[KyndCulture]

44. As a survivor of domestic violence. PLEASE CALL THE POLICE.

I wished someone had done that for me before I ended up in the hospital with a broken orbital bone and cheek bone.

And to the DUers making jokes in this thread. That's just wrong.

And btw, I was no involved in the case against my ex. The police and DA took care of everything. She has nothing to fear and most likely will never have to tesitfy.

My ex was just sentenced on May 22 to 90 days in jail and a $600 fine and 2 yrs probabtion and it was a first offense

Don't play games with this.

[Misunderestimator]

47. As a child victim of abuse...

I wish some neighbor had called the cops while my father was beating me. When I was a child, I never wished him to be taken away, so I never did anything myself... as an adult, I know that he should have been taken away. How much agony that could have saved my entire family. But I'm sure my neighbors didn't want my dad to know that they had called the cops. We also lived in a rural area, so it would have been only possibly two neighbors that could have heard the screaming.

In your place, I would call the cops. It's the right thing to do.

[Sequoia]

45. Could be serious

[Shell Beau]

50. The only thing you can do is call the cops!

Befriending her may not help matters. She may not be forthright with you b/c she is fearful (if in fact you are right about abuse). She may not say anything to the cops either.

[elehhhhna]

51. Yep. It might have been HIM in your bushes.

That person in the bushes thing would have triggered a call from me. That's fersure.

[retrospective66]

53. OK DUers I got the message- and Thanks

I feel a little embarrassed I even asked... should I or should I not call? :blush:... but it's just that I've no proof and no idea if the wife would go along with it. Compound that to the fact that I KNOW he'll know it's me calling. There is no one else around here which also means I'm on my own if he gets mad. My Hubby is gone alot with his job.

But if he truly is doing what I suspect he's doing, you guys are right. All these concerns aside, I really do have a moral obligation to pick up the phone, no matter what may come of it. Where that family is concerned, I have to hope the justice system works... Where my own personal safety is concerned, whatever happens just~ happens. :shrug:

Thank you all. I've received some valuable advice.

[kay1864]

54. IMHO

Your personal safety is more important than hers. Ultimately, your neighbor is not your responsibility.

Sorry if that sounds cold, but which would you rather have happen, that she gets injured, or that you do? If this guy is a wacko, and if (as you say) he'll KNOW it's you reporting it, then you would be taking a potentially life-threatening risk.

Not one person here has suggested "discuss this with your husband". So I will. What is his opinion on this issue?

[retrospective66]

55. Thank You

I should discuss a possible action with him. He agrees that there seems to be something going on over there, but we've never discussed what, if anything we should do because we were never sure.

DUers have made it clear that I should call next time I hear anything just in case. I agree with that from all they've said. Hubby is away again, but next time I see him, I'll broach the subject. Knowing him, he'll probably get mad that I would even think of putting myself in danger like that. He's not insensitive, but not truly understanding of battered wife syndrome. He figures that there is help out there if the wife wants it. He doesn't understand why she or any battered wife doesn't get the help they need when it's there. I've tried to explain; I grew up in an abusive home and married an abusive man at a young age. Thank God I got away from him.

He doesn't get it though... what these abusive guys do to your head. The bruises usually come LONG after the emotional abuse and isolation begins. Once you're being physically abused, you've already been in trouble for a long time.

THAT's why I am hesitant to do anything but befriend this woman (right now). I'm afraid she'll cave under his pressure if it even gets to court. She needs to build herself back up. It sounds as if I'm contradicting myself, but no. I do intend to call the cops about a "suspected break-in" as someone has suggested... Good way to start building a case. But I'll do my best to help her as a neighbor and friend to see that she has choices.

Hubby is not going to like this but I will discuss it with him. What else can I do? How could I live with myself if the worst happens?