My father is dying tonight.

[AtomicKitten]

He had a massive stroke, with heart failure and kidney failure.

Turns out his Advanced Directive indicates he wants ALL measures withheld. No oxygen, IV fluids, food, or medications. And now we are sitting vigil waiting for him to die.

I was shocked by his startling yet brave decision on how to go out. I'm just having a hard time respecting those wishes because they seem so brutal.

[Heidi]

1. Love, guidance and protection to you, AK,

and safe passage for your father. :hug:

[Bzzzz]

2. I'm So Very Sorry...

my thoughts will be with you and your family thru this most difficult time. :hug:

[AtomicKitten]

3. thanks.

I'm off to the hospital again.

I've heard of NO CPR orders, but not this. I'm just wondering if anyone has even heard of such a brutal order.

[Gormy Cuss]

29. Yes, some people choose the full advanced directive.

You are helping him leave this world on his own terms.
Peace to you, AtomicKitten.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

32. Yes. My father had such an order and we had hospice at the house

My heart goes out to you. The death process is grueling to observe.
Comfort measures were all we took...lots of morphine as his body shut down.

You have my empathy and condolences.

[Ladyhawk]

85. It is hard to watch someone die.

I watched my father's last hour. He couldn't talk, but I could tell by the terror on his face that he knew he was dying. He actually tried to get up and walk. We ended up putting him in his wheelchair. He kept shaking his head when we asked if he wanted something. He seemed frantic for quite awhile, then finally seemed to sink into acceptance. Who knows what he was feeling?

AK...you will get through this. The experience bothered me for a long time afterward, but eventually things do get better. :hug:

I wish our society prepared us better for death: both that of our loved ones and our own. Instead, we ignore it until it slaps us across the face...kinda like what most of us are doing while our country is dying right this minute.

[trof]

96. That's the way I'd like to go.

And it's great to see you again, babe.
:hug:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

107. Thanks, handsome :)

[In_The_Wind]

4. I'm sorry AtomicKitten. May his time be peaceful.

[SeattleGirl]

5. I am so sorry, AK

My heart goes out to you. :hug:

[madrchsod]

6. sorry

things are not as they seem and he is going to a better place than where he is now. he will always be with you because you both shared your love for each other. death never takes love from our hearts. peace be with you and your family.

[LaurenG]

7. I am so sorry

I will pray for you and your family. :hug:

[NewJeffCT]

8. wow, I'm very sorry

You & your family have my deepest sympathy.

[purr]

9. I'm sorry atomickitten :(

:hug: I wish I could do more :hug:

[Call Me Wesley]

10. May he soon be free from all suffering.

And peace and comfort to you and your family.

[AirmensMom]

11. I'm sorry, AtomicKitten.

:hug:

[Lavender Brown]

12. AtomicKitten

:hug: I'm so sorry.

[rustydog]

13. Hang in there. This is tough, but they can make his pain

non existent. Yours is a different kind, but just as painful. I'm sorry for you.

[yvr girl]

14. My dad has been sick for years

Long waits are difficult too.

My heart goes out to you and your family. Be strong for each other and your dad. :hug:

[Dangerously Amused]

15. Oh AK, I'm so sorry.

My father had the very same orders, and I held him as he died a few years ago. I understand exactly what you are going through. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. It is incredibly difficult. It's a gut-wrenching feeling to be so helpless when instinctively you want to do everything you possibly can to save him. Bless your heart.

The very few positives I could find in the situation at the time are that because we knew what his wishes were, we could find a small bit of comfort in knowing that we remained faithful to his wishes, and there were no emotional family squabbles over what he "would have wanted." Also at least the end came relatively quickly for him and if he was suffering (he did not appear to be so), it wasn't drawn out longer than his body would naturally allow.

The fact that he went naturally also meant that we all had a better idea of the timing, so we could better plan to put the rest of our lives on hold and be there for him as he passed. And we all were. We may not have had that (to us) comforting opportunity if his dying process were drawn out in ways he didn't want them to be.

Peace and love to you and your family. PM me any time if you feel like talking about it.

:hug:

[henslee]

16. Peace and strength to you and yours.

[graywarrior]

17. Been there. It's a tough call.

Ain't no words that will help. But we're here.

[xchrom]

18. peace and courage atomickitten.

i am very sorry to hear this.

so very, very difficult.

[liberalitch]

19. Be strong.....

in the end you will not regret respecting his wishes

[Maestro]

20. I'm very sorry to hear this.

My thoughts and condolences are with you.

[zanne]

21. You'll be glad you honored his wishes...

I'm so sad for you, but when all is said and done, I know you'll have peace about his passing. God bless.

[miss_american_pie]

22. I'm so sorry

I hope his passing is peaceful.

[Redstone]

23. May he go easy, and may you be comforted, AK. It's not easy to let go.

But you must do it. It's what your Dad wanted.

Drop by the Lounge for more condolences, sympathy / shoulders to lean on whenever you need to.

We'll be here.

Redstone

[merh]

24. May he go peacefully and may you and yours find

comfort in the fact that this is what he wants and he is not suffering.

Remember his love for you and his life, may the memories bring you comfort.

AtomicKitten, if you don't mind, I will include your dad and you and your family in my prayers. :grouphug:

[we can do it]

25. Peace Be With You AK, I Know How Hard It Is To Lose Someone That Close...

Be brave with him, it may seem to be a tough way to go but may be kinder in the long run if it is quicker.

[salin]

26. Prayers all around for your father, you and your family

How very difficult. May his passing be peaceful.

[auntAgonist]

27. No words I have will comfort you.

Please accept my heartfelt thoughts and a :hug:

aA

take care of you.

[NMDemDist2]

28. I"m so sorry AK

I have the same directives in my living will. I hope his passing is peaceful and you can find comfort with your family. It's hard I know.....

:hug:

[Texasgal]

30. Oh, I am so sorry to hear this...

If it is any comfort to you, the natural passing of life is not as brutal as one would think.

I am an RN, who has also worked with hospice patients.

Your body helps you through your passage, and it's surprisingly serene. It's amazing what the human body can do.

I am so sorry to hear about this, please keep us posted.

:hug:

[Shine]

31. Peace and Comfort to you and yours during this most difficult time.

:hug:

[joeybee12]

33. My thoughts and prayers are with you

My mother had many problems, and then when a stroke came, it was just a matter of time. She had a living will, and my father wanted to respect it, but at the same time, knew what it meant. Anyway, it meant a vigil for several days...my advice is to let your father know not to worry. He may hang on thinking there are some things left to be done or said...let him know that everyhting is fine...you love him and will miss him...but that you understand that he wants to leave.

[qanda]

34. So sorry

Peace to you and to your father as he passes from this life.

[rockymountaindem]

35. Peace be with all of you

[Scout1071]

36. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I cannot imagine what you are going thru and I can only wish that he passes without anymore pain.

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

37. I'm sorry, AK. I hope his passing is peaceful.

[sarge43]

38. There are worse things than death

For reasons I won't go into, both my brother and father ended their days on life support - my brother for two and half years and father for six months.

The strong, vital, good men that they had been were gone; whatever is beyond this life they had gone to it. All that was left were shells. AtomicKitten, that was brutal, because a human being should never be reduced to a shell, a thing.

Your father will feel very little pain, probably none. In these conditions, the body just begins to shut down; there's little internal struggle.

Death is the bridge we all must cross. Your father is making his journey with dignity and courage.

Blessed be; peace and strength to you.

[MissHoneychurch]

39. it is hard to let people we love go

but te death itself isn't something scary. Stay with him, talk to him, touch him. It will help him and you. You won't regret letting him go if you know he would suffer otherwise.

Stay strong and - yes - enjoy the last moments you have with him. He will feel your love.

:hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

40. I'm sorry, A.K.

Best to you.

[Strong Atheist]

41. Damn. I'm sorry. That was the hardest thing that happened

in my life ....:cry:

:hug:

[JitterbugPerfume]

42. ((((((((((((HUG)))))))))

from Jitterbug

[Beware the Beast Man]

43. ...

:hug:

[Crazy Guggenheim]

44. My thoughts are with you.

:pals: :hug:

[samplegirl]

45. I'm so sorry

this defiantly is the hardest thing in your life
you will ever have to through. I know I've done
it twice.
My thoughts and prayers to you. May you find peace and love that sustains you through such
a painful time.

[RandomKoolzip]

46. Oh my god...that's terrible. I'm very sorry you have to go through this.

And my sympathies to your dad and your family. :hug:

[jus_the_facts]

47. I lost my Dad last June.....

....after he had a bone marrow transplant for Leukemia. Take care of yourself and be strong for your family...s'easier said than done I know...peace to you..your dad and your family. :hug:

[El Fuego]

48. I am very sorry, I lost my Dad 2 years ago

It was maybe the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. I know what you are going through. :hug:

[applegrove]

49. I'm so sorry.

[bigwillq]

50. How sad.

I am very sorry for you. :hug:

[Mz Pip]

51. My thoughts are with you.

While it may seem brutal now, his wishes will make it easier in the long run. :hug:

Mz Pip
:dem:

[Wapsie B]

52. I'm so sorry.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[renie408]

53. Aw, shit.

I am so sorry. Sending you wishes of strength and love. These are going to be tough times for you and yours. Good luck and peace to you all.

[bridgit]

54. peace to you & yours...

:hug:

[Sugar Smack]

55. I'm so sorry. My love to you, AtomicKitten.

My love and all the prayers and good thoughts I can muster. I'm so sorry.

:cry: :hug: :hug:

[Skidmore]

56. Kitten, it will be a hard night for you. Take our strength and

prayers to sustain you and your family. My mother, too, elected to leave the world in dignity. It was very hard to let her slip away, and only later did I begin to understand how hard it must have been for her to let go. She gave much love to us in her living and her dying, as I am sure your father has for you.

[ronnykmarshall]

57. God bless you AK.

I'm so sorry.

[NNadir]

58. I am very sorry AK. Deepest Condolences.

I wish your family peace.

If it's any help, your father may have been very wise. Both my parents died after massive medical intervention and in their cases, the intervention may have been worse than the dying. It is almost always impossible to know what to do.

[AtomicKitten]

59. UPDATE : My father passed this A.M. at about 10:00 A.M. 1/30/06

Thanks for all your kind words of support.

[ScreamingMeemie]

60. AK, I hadn't seen this before...

:cry: I am so very sorry for the loss of your father. This is going to be such a tough time for you. Know that you are wrapped in our thoughts.


~Laura

[Midlodemocrat]

61. God bless, you Atomic Kitten

Grant him rest, o Lord and may perpetual light shine upon him.


:hug:

Been there. I know how much it hurts.

[miss_american_pie]

64. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[SoCalDem]

67. Hugs to you and yours

:hug:

[tyedyeto]

68. I'm sorry for you and your family's loss.

My condolences and may he rest in peace.

[bigwillq]

69. So sorry for your loss.

:hug: My thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time.
:cry:

[deadparrot]

74. I'm so sorry, AK.

Prayers and good wishes for you and yours. :hug:

[AirmensMom]

75. So sorry for your loss, AtomicKitten.

:cry: :hug:

[Nikia]

76. I am sorry for your loss

My prayers are with you and your family.

[Ladyhawk]

87. The hard part for him is over. Now yours must begin.

I'm sorry. Do whatever you need to do to deal with this. :hug:

[Call Me Wesley]

Safe passage for him, free from suffering.

I will light a candle for you and yours, wishing you peace and comfort.

[JVS]

89. My condolences

[medeak]

90. you never grow up until you lose your Dad

I was told...so true.

I hope he comes to you in your dreams (((hugs)))

[Xipe Totec]

91. At Peace (Artifex vitae artifex sui)

As my dusk approaches, I bless thee, Life,
for you never gave me failed hope,
or unjust work, or undeserved punishment;
for I see at the end of my rugged journey
that I was the architect of my destiny;
if I drew the sweetness or aloes from things,
it was because I put into them bitter bile, or sweet honey:
when I planted rose bushes, I always harvested roses.

True, to my youth Winter will come:
But you never promised me that May would be eternal!
No doubt I found my nights of sorrow to be long;
but you never promised me only good nights;
and yet I had some that were blessedly serene...
I loved, and I was loved, the sun stroked my face.
Life, you owe me nothing! Life, we are at peace!

- Amado Nervo

[Sugar Smack]

92. Sweetheart.

We're so sorry. My God, how quickly that came about. I wish you peace and love.

Love, Steffi.

[Anita Garcia]

94. warm wishes to you and your family

[brook]

95. I'm so sorry.

I know how painful this is for you - I know I thought I would literally break in half the day
mine passed away.

I still miss his physical presence, but I talk to him and feel his love around me. You'll have that with your Dad, too. He knows what you're going through and how much you love him. He will want you to seek the peace of knowing that he is pain free and whole again and he will see you again.

:hug:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

108. My condolences to you and your family

I wish you strength through your grief :hug:

[redwitch]

112. so sorry for your loss

I wish you peace and good memories and lots of loving family and friends to see you through the difficult time.

[RFKHumphreyObama]

113. I'm sorry -I hadn't seen this before either. My thoughts, prayers,

condolences and deepest sympathies are extended to you and your family on the loss of your father :hug: :hug:. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. My deepest and most profound condolences and sympathies to all of you once again

[newyawker99]

115. I am sorry to hear this. I send condolences to

you and your family. May he rest in peace.


:hug:

[Blue Diadem]

117. I'm so sorry AK

:hug:

[Strong Atheist]

119. I KNOW what that is like...

:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

:hug:

[MissMillie]

120. AK, I'm so sorry

You're in my throughts and prayers as you go through this very terrible loss. :hug:

[uppityperson]

121. So sorry. Take care of yourself.

Be gentle with yourself and your family, friends, life right now. My condolences.

[myrna minx]

123. I am so sorry Atomic Kitten.

:hug: :cry:

[Michigander4Dean]

126. My love to you

:hug:

[momophile]

62. Sending you and your family good vibes.

Please, take care of yourself.

[jane_pippin]

63. I'm sorry for your loss, AK.

Love and peace to your family. :hug:

[uppityperson]

65. Condolences and be brave.

It is difficult to sit with a dying parent. Nothing anyone wants to do, but something very special to share. I've been there also, love to you and yours.

[Susang]

66. I am so sorry to hear that

My uncle/godfather recently died, he had a massive heart attack two days before Xmas. He also had a DNR order. It was so hard to deal with, but he refused to be kept alive artificially.

I hope you are able to have the time you need to say goodbye. I'll be thinking about you and your family. :hug:

[REDKING]

70. I am so sorry for you..

I know exactly how you feel,
My thoughts are with you in this time.

[Ellen Forradalom]

71. Love, love and more love

to you, AtomicKitten.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

72. There's nothing to say or do but...

:hug:

[Metta]

73. You can stay together awhile longer.

Regrets that your father's passing. What you're feeling is your attachments/ agendas/ preferences rolling back over you. All grist for the mill though I suspect you know that. Here's how you and he can stay together awhile longer while he's passing.

See yourself in the center of a perfectly formed, comfortably large circle. Fill it with gentle, golden flame, moving through you and all around you. Through you ... and all around you. Breathe normally. If the image moves or changes, let it. Just watch. Breathe normally, paying attention to the image and some quality of your breath. Any movement you get is a sign that you're unfolding and processing what you're holding. Duration brings increased benefits, as does frequency. A minute or so is all you need to do at any one time to get benefits if you don't want to do more.

While being in the middle of this image, ask if it's okay to be with your father. You'll know right away if the time is right. If it is, you'll be right there with him emotionally and physically and the two of you will have unfettered access to each other. At that time, there will be no boundaries other than your perceptions and reactions between you. Remember, boundaries are places of meeting as well as separation and that whatever you turn towards something, you turn away from something else though I suspect you know that.

[Radio_Lady]

81. Metta, that is such a beautiful expression.

[Metta]

102. Thank you, Lady.

The gift moves on. :hug:

[AtomicKitten]

127. thank you for your beautiful words.

[mohinoaklawnillinois]

77. So sorry AK.I

I'll keep your father and you and your family in my prayers.

May perpetual light shine upon him.

:hug: :hug:

Maureen

[EstimatedProphet]

78. I am sorry.

You're in our thoughts.

[hyphenate]

79. My condolences to you

I think, though, I would be with your dad on that directive. If it ain't gonna make me better, why should I care about hanging on with no reason? I know my friend Barb did let the hospital put her on the respirator when she was close to dying, but it was because she had pneumonia, and they were sure she would be taken off when her lungs were better. It did happen that way, but she still died within two months after that. It isn't so much bravery in my mind, but being rational and realistic. I do hope he passes peacefully.

[Radio_Lady]

80. Edited for content: AtomicKitten, try to remember the good times.

This is the third person I've heard to have a massive stroke just within the past month.

I wish you peace and understanding. Everyone has to go through this and I appreciate your comments. I wouldn't think of this as brutal. It's sometimes how things happen at the end.

In peace,

Radio_Lady

[GreenPartyVoter]

82. I am sorry. *hugs*

------------------------------------------------------
How about some freakin’ election reform already?!

[Ladyhawk]

83. Damn, I'm sorry. :(

This will be one of the hardest nights of your life, but you will make it through. I'm glad you're respecting his wishes.

[redqueen]

84. I'm so sorry...

Wishing you and yours the best getting through this... and of course warm regards to your dad... he sounds like a brave man.

[Xipe Totec]

86. My respect and admiration to your father

May I have the courage to meet death with such honor and dignity.

[GetTheRightVote]

88. I am sorry to hear about your lost and our prays are with you

and your family.

:kick:

[Dangerously Amused]

93. Oh, my dear.

His body and spirit have separated; as different as they are, they take separate paths now. His body will devolve but his spirit, unencumbered by the body, grows stronger with your continued love.

He is with you still.

[Catchawave]

97. So sorry for your loss....

:hug:

[Bush_Eats_Beef]

98. Thoughts and prayers go out to you, A.K....

...having lost both of my parents, all I can say is that it's a personal thing. There really are no words to say, and there's no true common ground when it comes to this kind of loss.

Thoughts and prayers, for you.

[babylonsister]

99. Please accept my sympathies as well, AtomicKitten. It's

very tough losing a parent, but I hope you find peace knowing his wishes are being respected.:hug:

[CottonBear]

100. My thoughts are with you and your family. Your father is very brave.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

My father also asked to not be kept alive if anything happened during his open heart surgery. He was an orthopaedic surgeon and he didn't want to live as a vegetable. Unfortunately, he had a massive stroke during surgery and we took him off life support after donating his kidneys and corneas. We were 17, 15 and 12 and Mom would not let us see him. I'm glad she didn't. We saw him the night before the surgery and that was the last time we saw him.
:cry:
Take care of yourself and take comfort from your friends and family.
Peace. CB

[crispini]

101. My condolences.

((( HUG )))

[hickman1937]

103. I am so sorry. I wish you the strength and energy you need,

when you need it. Sometimes it just amounts to putting one foot in front of the other. Again, I am sorry.

[maveric]

104. My condolences. Losing a parent is a terrible loss.

I lost my Dad in 2000 and my Ma last March. You never really get over it. Just savor the good memories that you had with him. It takes the edge of a little bit.

[RPM]

105. Sorry....

Was there last year with my old man - was a tough time.

On Edit: My deepest sympathies.

[sundog]

106. take care AtomicKitten

sorry

[shaniqua6392]

109. Prayers and peace to you and your family.

Be comforted that you will see him again.

[PittPoliSci]

110. You have my condolences.

[LeftyMom]

111. I'm sorry for you and your family

but I admire your father for planning ahead and facing death bravely.

:hugs: to you and your family.

[KitchenWitch]

114. Sorry to hear about this

:cry:

I admire you for respecting his wishes, brutal as it may seem.

[ProfessorGAC]

116. Condolences AK

My dad died on January 31, several years back. You and i can share fond memories of this time of year, together.
The Professor

[ps1074]

118. I am sorry for your loss

My prayers are with you and your family :hug:

[Digit]

122. I am sorry

My heart goes out to you.

[serryjw]

124. Give him permission to die in peace

don't be angry with him. We should respect these wishes just like we do with our loving furrbabies. I hope he has a peaceful passing.
Namaste

[AtomicKitten]

125. ** THANK YOU ** THANK YOU ** THANK YOU **

A most heartfelt THANK YOU to all. I started a special thread here http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x4675539.

In the end, respecting my father's wishes trumped all other concerns; I see that now.

It's a journey we all go through at some point in our lives, and I am grateful to have such warm support from all of you wonderful folks here at DU.

Words fail me, oh, yes, that happens sometimes, hard to believe, but I am overwhelmed by your kindness.

THANK YOU.