For the lounge...."I'm an Asshole"

[Taverner]

Folks, Id like to sing a song about the American Dream
About me, about you
About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests
About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts
Maybe below the cockles,
Maybe in the sub cockle area,
Maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys,
Maybe even in the colon, we dont know

Im just a regular Joe, with a regular job
Im your average white, suburbanized slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I got an average house, with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table, and a Cuban cigar

But sometimes that just aint enough to keep a man like me interested
(oh no, no way, uh uh)
No I gotta go out and have fun at someone elses expense
(woah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah)
I drive really slow in the ultra fast lane
While people behind me are going insane

Im an asshole (hes an asshole,what an asshole)
Im an asshole (hes an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets and I piss on the seat
I walk around in the summer time saying "how about this heat?"

Im an asshole (hes an asshole,what an asshole)
Im an asshole (hes the worlds biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces

Im an asshole (hes an asshole,what an asshole)
Im an asshole (hes a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldnt be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe theyre right when they tell me Im wrong...
Nah

Im an asshole (hes an asshole,what an asshole)
Im an asshole (hes the worlds biggest asshole)

You know what Im gonna do
Im gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible
Hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps
And all leather cow interior
And big brown baby seal eyes for head lights (yeah)
And Im gonna drive in that baby at 115 miles per hour
Gettin' 1 mile per gallon,
Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds
In the old fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers
And when Im done sucking down those greeseball burgers
Im gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
And then Im gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side
And there aint a goddamn thing anybody can do about it
You know why, because weve got the bombs, thats why
2 words, nuclear fucking weapons, OK?
Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want
They can have a big democracy cakewalk
Right through the middle of Tiananmen Square
and it wont make a lick of difference
Because weve got the bombs, OK?
John Wayne's not dead, hes frozen, and as soon as we find a cure for cancer
Were gonna thaw out the duke and hes gonna be pretty pissed off
You know why,
Have you ever taken a cold shower, well multiply that by 15 million times
Thats how pissed off the dukes gonna be!
I'm gonna get the Duke, and John Cassavetes,
and Lee Marvin, and Sam Peckinpah, and a case of whiskey,
and drive down to Texas and say.....

(Hey! You know, you really are an asshole!)
Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal?
Im an asshole (hes an asshole.what an asshole)
Im an asshole (hes the worlds biggest asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E
Everybody
A-S-S-H-O-L-E

Im an asshole and Im proud of it

[Sugar Smack]

1. You forgot the "woofing" noises.

I just say that because I'm an asshole. :D

[Daisy Adair]

2. Here's another...

Your brains went black
When she took back her love
And put it out into the sun

The birds did fly
When the heavens all went dry
And the cigarettes were smoking by themselves

She’ll do anything
She’ll do anything
She’ll do anything
To make you feel like an asshole

Call her name
She looks the same as you
With question-marks stretched across her skin

She dangles carrots
Makes you feel embarrassed
To be the fool you know you are

She’ll do anything
She’ll do anything
She’ll do anything
To make you feel like an asshole

[Daisy Adair]

3. And one more....

I hope you never fall in love
Hope you never get your heart broken
I hope you never fall in love
With somebody like you

I hope you never give a d***
Hope you never lose your perspective
I hope you never fall in love
With somebody like you

(Chorus)
I wish you well
I wish you everything and more
Forgive my ignorance
I was starting to ramble on and on
Starting to ramble on and on

I hope you never need no one
Hope you treasure your independence
I hope you never fall in love
With somebody like you

(Chorus)

I hope you never give a d***
Hope you never get your heart broken
I hope you never fall in love
With somebody like you

I hope you never fall in love
With somebody like you

[Sugar Smack]

6. Welcome to DU!!!!!

:applause:

[Daisy Adair]

10. Thank you, Sugar Smack!

:)

[asthmaticeog]

5. Loooooooove that song.

Welcome to DU.:hi:

[Daisy Adair]

9. Me, too. I have a soft spot for Petty.

And thanks! :)

[asthmaticeog]

11. Beck.

Petty covered it (exceptionally well, I might add), but it was written by Beck. It's on his "One Foot in the Grave" album, which I unconditionally recommend to one and all - it's all acoustic solo stuff, recorded very cheaply, no disco beats or samples. Quite a lovely record.

[dolo amber]

15. You say "no disco beats or samples" like that's a *good* thing...

:eyes:

[sundog]

16. .

:thumbsup:

[asthmaticeog]

17. In this case, yeah, it is.

His songs work better with the simplicity, without all that Dust Brothers clutter.

Now, I would never say such a thing about Aphex Twin. That'd just be silly.

[sundog]

18. dolo amber likes dirty vegas

:hide:

[asthmaticeog]

19. You misspelled "Sanchez."

[evlbstrd]

4. My contribution:

Hey! do you know what you are?
You’re an asshole! an asshole!

Some of you might not agree
’cause you probably likes a lot of misery
But think a while and you will see...
Broken hearts are for assholes
Broken hearts are for assholes
Are you an asshole?
Broken hearts are for assholes
Are you an asshole too?
Whatcha gonna do, ’cause you’re an asshole...

Maybe you think you’re a lonely guy
Maybe you think you’re too tough to cry
So you went to the grape,
Just to give it a try
And dagmar
Without a doubt, the ugliest sonofabitch I ever saw in my life
Was his name...
One two three four!
The whiskers sticking out from underneath of his
Pancake make-up
And yet he was a beautiful lady
Nearly drove you insane
Let’s talk about leather: leatherrrrrr
And so you kissed a little sailor
Tex abel, starring in the latest shepperton production:
Who had just blew in from spain
Sir richard pump-a-loaf
You sniffed the reeking buns of angel
The story of a demented bread-boffer
And acted like it was cocaine
Cucumber pud annexed to a fine whole-wheat loaf
You were dazzled by the exciting new costume of ko-ko
Then on tuesday night, ceasar’s back in town
In a way you can’t explain
Facing off in a no-holds-barred tag team grudge match
With kona.
And so you worked the wall with michael
Three-hundred-seventy-nine pounds of samoan dynamite
Which gave your back an awful strain
Volcanic hell
But you came back on sunday for the gong show
Next thursday, teen town’s finest...
But you forgot what I was sayin’
’cause you’re an asshole, you’re an asshole
That’s right
You’re an asshole, you’re an asshole
Yes, yes
You’re an asshole, you’re an asshole
That’s right
You’re an asshole, you’re an asshole

Now you been to the grape ’n’ you been to the chest
’n’ now I think you know what you are: you’re an asshole

You say you can’t live with what you been through
Well, ladies you can be an asshole too
You might pretend you ain’t got one on the bottom of you,
But don’t fool yerself girl
It’s lookin’ at you
Don’t fool yerself girl
It’s winkin’ at you
Don’t fool yerself girl
It’s blinkin’ at you
That’s why I say
I’m gonna ram it, ram it, ram it
Ram it up yer poop chute
Corn hole
Ram it, ram it, ram it
Ram it up yer poop chute
Fist fuck
Ram it, ram it, ram it
Ram it up yer poop chute
Wrist-watch; crisco
Ram it, ram it, ram it
Ram it up yer poop chute
Pud!

Don’t fool yerself, girl
It’s goin’ right up yer poop chute
Don’t fool yerself, girl
It’s goin’ right up yer poop chute
(etc., repeats)

Aw, I knew you’d be surprised...

[Mad_Dem_X]

12. Zappa, right?

What a crazy asshole. :evilgrin:

[evlbstrd]

13. Absolutely right.

I don't think I post any other lyrics.
He was a genius.

[pdx_prog]

7. Geez....what an asshole.....

[pdx_prog]

8. Great movie line....

When Austin Powers shoots Dr. Evil in the leg on the moon station...

"Owww you shot me you A-hole"

[hfojvt]

14. Is this

your way of apologizing, or explaining why you are not going to apologize.

A$$holes who are proud of their a$$holery are the absolute worst. You pointedly ask them "at long last, have you no decency?!!!" and they sneer at you like Richard Cheney. Fifty years later, and it seems like America itself no longer makes any pretense of having any decency. At least 50.02% don't.