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Patton Oswalt's "The Johnny Lawrence Story:" A must-read!

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RandomKoolzip Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-12-05 12:53 PM
Original message
Patton Oswalt's "The Johnny Lawrence Story:" A must-read!
Edited on Mon Dec-12-05 12:56 PM by RandomKoolzip
Just in case you don't know, Johnny Lawrence was Ralph Macchio's nemesis in "The Karate Kid." And the actor who played him also played "Greg Tolan" in "Just One of the Guys."

This piece made me laugh so hard I almost came.

Johnny Lawrence owned the universe in 1984. The universe was, to him, the wealthier part of the San Fernando Valley (and not that shithole Reseda) but it was his first and, he hoped, last horizon. High school was a non-stop carnival of Cobra Kai karate class, make-out sessions with Ali, his hottie girlfriend, and doled-out skull-bashings to any spindly nerd crossing his swaggering path.

But his universe flickered senior year. First, Ali dumped him. Then, a skinny, olive-skinned New Jersey asshole named Daniel LaRusso appeared. Worse, it looked like he and Ali were flirting, hooking upright in front of him!

He and his Cobra Kai buddies tuned up LaRusso as best they could. At first on the beach, and then a night-time knuckle-session outside the high schools Halloween dance. Johnny had been smoking some righteous ging, and for a second felt like he might actually be able to kill Daniel. Hadnt his Cobra Kai instructor always said, "An enemy deserves no mercy?" There were times, when he was deeply stoned, that Johnny wished he were a cobra.

And hadnt his father always admonished: "I will move you so far the fuck away from this town if I ever see you back down from someone smaller than you?" The old man, with his grey hair, bulgy eyes and pot belly, holding sway over a car wash empire that had made him a multi-millionaire. Johnny loved, feared, and hated him.

So Johnny fed his father an elaborate lie about being jumped by eight Mexicans when he and his crew were stopped mid-thrash by LaRussos only frienda pudgy, sawed-off Asian maintenance man.

But that maintenance man was the last thing to go wrong for Johnny that year. He took LaRusso out to a junkyard and imparted some kind of ancient Chinese ass-kicking secret to the goddamn shrimp, and in the end it only took a single Crane Kick to shatter Johnnys San Fernando Universe.

His father, sickened and mortified, immediately moved Johnny to a new school, forcing him to finish his senior year under the name of "Greg Tolan". He also forbade Johnny to practice any martial arts. Heartbroken, but paralyzed with fear of his father, "Greg" took to mindlessly hoisting cafeteria tables, taking a perverse thrill in seeing people and food spilled into the ground. What was this new, sexual charge he felt? He was a bad boy making a big messy-poo, and seeing things splash and make a stainy-wainy made him want to be punished, paddled, humiliated. He didnt like thinking too deeply about it. But he was happy.
For a while. Because sure enough, another skinny, olive-skinned boy hove into view. He even looked like Daniel LaRusso (even though he dressed like Elvis Costello). This new kid seemed moredelicate. Feminine. What were these feelings?

It was too much for "Greg". At a beach dance (another fight on another beach), he threw the Daniel LaRusso look-alike into the ocean. But his satisfaction was short-lived. The new kids wigger friend knocked "Greg" unconscious with a single punch.

Back home, Johnnys father was apoplectic. He packed Johnny off to college, where he went under the name "Chaz". The smell of the sea haunted him, and he quickly took up diving as a sport. Splashing into the water, over and over again. Diving headfirst into oblivion, like hed always wanted to.

But goddamit, here was yet another third olive-skinned, dark-haired little wimp in his life. Was his life ever to be free of gawky shrimps? This one didnt even give Johnny the courtesy of beating the shit out of him. He simply took his girlfriend away, like it was the third act of some badly-written comedy, where the writers simply needed the little shrimp to hook up with the impossibly hot older girl. It made no goddamn sense. And then, as if the gods had become tired of pissing on him and had decided to start shitting, the shrimps grey-haired father (the spitting image of Johnnys own dad) defeated him in the diving finals, doing a ridiculous dive called the "Triple Lindy". It was as if his own father had finally, publicly, rejected his spawn, painting Johnnys defeat in the sky in a series of mid-air somersaults.

Johnny dropped out of college and drifted to Los Angeles. He wandered into a pawn shop to see if there was an old karate gi he could buy. The burly man behind the counter told him he might have something in the basement. Johnny followed him, not even hearing the whistle of air as the leather sap crashed against his skull and his world turned black.

They cut out his tongue and dressed him in zippered leather, making him look like a mutant cobra. They sodomized the memory of every olive-skinned, dark-haired shrimp from his mind forever, and for that he was grateful. The store owner and his mascarad security guard friend, light years away from his distinguished, hated father.

When they woke him up to watch over their newest preya bald, intense boxer who they left tied up while they "partied" with his gangster buddy, he was no longer "Johnny Lawrence" or "Greg Tolan" or even "Chaz". He was "The Gimp". His life consisted of his box, the protein shakes they fed him through a straw, blaring 50s rock n roll and his monthly Handi-Wipe bath. Thats why he started screaming, tongue-less, when the bald boxer worked himself out his straps and made his escape. And when the boxer sent a crashing right hand into The Gimps melon, Johnnys last thought was thanks to the laughing gods that at least it wasnt a goddamn Crane Kick.


http://www.pattonoswalt.com/ht/johnnylawrence.html


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GirlinContempt Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-12-05 12:57 PM
Response to Original message
1. That is god damn BRILLIANT
Edited on Mon Dec-12-05 01:03 PM by GirlinContempt
Oh and edit:
I ended up getting a full album thanks to your music recommendation.
One step closer to jail.
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RandomKoolzip Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-12-05 02:53 PM
Response to Reply #1
3. Which one, the Ariel Pink?
I hope so...I can't stop listening to his stuff myself.
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GirlinContempt Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-12-05 06:50 PM
Response to Reply #3
14. Yep, thats the stuff
*shakes fist at you*
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RetroLounge Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-12-05 01:00 PM
Response to Original message
2. OMG
:rofl:

RL
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Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-12-05 03:09 PM
Response to Original message
4. Alright, I'm not getting the last reference at all
Is that Silence of the Lambs? I've never seen that Lechter movie, and it seems like it could be, though not really.

What is it?

I checked IMDB and I'm not finding anything that William Zabka did that matches that description.
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RandomKoolzip Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-12-05 03:13 PM
Response to Reply #4
5. Pulp Fiction.
Remember "wake the gimp?"
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Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-12-05 03:15 PM
Response to Reply #5
6. But that was Stephen Hibbert, not Zabka
:shrug:

And, I have to admit, I've not yet seen Pulp Fiction. Every time I'm at the video store, I forget about it.

I really need to see it.
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RandomKoolzip Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-12-05 03:20 PM
Response to Reply #6
7. Oswalt is making a joke.
He's suggesting that the bullying blond surfer stud in those cheesy 80's movies became so depressed after being humiliated by some tiny swarthy wimps that he somehow became an S&M buttboy in a seedy LA pawn shop basement.

Sorta the same plot as Zappa's "Bobby Brown." Different particulars, but same violent joke made at the expense of All-'Merican Machismo.
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underpants Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-12-05 03:30 PM
Response to Original message
8. That's is very funny. Definitely my sense of humor
I have to admit that I had to trace the Greg Tolan reference down. Very very funny. Oswald's stand up routine is very funny especially the NPR part.
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RandomKoolzip Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-12-05 03:33 PM
Response to Reply #8
9. Patton's the best comic of his generation, IMO.
Only Sarah Silverman comes close.
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Reverend_Smitty Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-12-05 06:27 PM
Response to Reply #9
12. I just re-listened to his CD
OMFG! I was pissing myself with laughter. Holy crap he is one funny mofo
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tjwash Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-12-05 03:47 PM
Response to Original message
10. Patton Oswalt is one of the funniest men I have ever seen live...
Edited on Mon Dec-12-05 03:49 PM by tjwash
...anyone that can work "fudgy the whale" and "cookie puss" into a comedy routine rules. Plus his impersonation of Nick Nolte testing for the part of Han Solo had me rolling.
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SouthoftheBorderPaul Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-12-05 04:17 PM
Response to Reply #10
11. "Nick Nolte testing for the part of Han Solo"
I gotta see/hear that. I bought his album offa iTunes and it's frigging brilliant. Highly recommended.
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djeseru Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-12-05 06:34 PM
Response to Original message
13. Please, please rent The Comedians of Comedy...
...from Netflix. Patton takes three other comics on a road trip and it's the funniest stuff I've seen in years. It's documentary but I really did laugh until my sides hurt, most especially about Jake's independent film.

And this is coming from someone who never recommends anything to anyone...well, here's a first...
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sniffa Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-12-05 06:56 PM
Response to Original message
15. briLLiant!!!
:rofl:

nominated.
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GirlinContempt Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Dec-12-05 11:32 PM
Response to Original message
16. Kicked for educational purposes
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