The stress of life

[jiacinto]

I really am under the gun living in IA. The first thing that is hard to adjust is the fact that my ability to use a computer is quite restricted. They are restricting how often I can use the internet and that means that I have to go to the library and Kinko's to do things, although I can type out cover letters there.

How on earth can I find a job when they are making it very hard for me to just have access to things I need?

Going to Iowa was a mistake. I really can't stand my brother and his wife and kids. I just hate everything about them--the way they live, the fact that they don't have cable, and how they treat me. To get a key to the house I had to be lectured about not copying it.

I just can't forget the past. When I needed their help when I was younger they didn't do anything for me, save drive me back and forth to school. (our parents had died when I was 18). They refused to help me with most of my expenses. I just remember having only $100 to my name and their refusal to help me pay for my books that cost around $400 in college.

And I now I see them and I seeth with rage. I wish that I didn't have to be here. The only good thing is that my car insurance rates will fall.

I need to get out of here soon so that I can live in civilziation and have cable TV and have a good job.

[XanaDUer]

1. You need to stop seething , and get counseling

then, try to sit down, alone and quietly, with your brother.

Tell him you have been through a lot, and you appreciate them taking you in. Explain that you may need some help with resumes, etc., so you (and this is the part he will like) can get a job and get out of their hair.

I had to "lecture" a relative who felt it was his right to make keys of my homes and apartments. Finally, I would not give him any key at all.


Offer to help out. Don't talk about the cable. Screw the cable now.

[Dr Satan]

2. We are what we think

All that we are arises from our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.

[VermontDem2004]

3. .........

First of all, I don't understand why you post all your problems on DU when me and my family are going through very rough times but I am confident we will get through them.

Going to Iowa was a mistake. I really can't stand my brother and his wife and kids. I just hate everything about them--the way they live, the fact that they don't have cable, and how they treat me. To get a key to the house I had to be lectured about not copying it.

I am curious as to why you hate about them and how do they treat you? Cable TV is not a good reason to hate someone or even be depressed, you can live without TV. Well that is the past, right now as far as I know they are letting you live with them so you can get back to your feet. What is you standard of civilization? Cable TV?

[jiacinto]

4. It's a lot of things

Very long story.

[XanaDUer]

6. Okay

But you are not the only one these things happen to.

And I know we have told you that here on DU over and over.

I moved from , to me, the center of the universe, NYC, to S FL, hellhole, and then a worse hellhole in N FL. So if you want to talk lack of civilization, how about no decent restaurants unless you like Bar-B-Que and steam-table fare, NO art films, a half-assed museum, and pretty much all "culture" revolving around Pentecostal Christianity. And people trying to "save" you, so you don't go to Hell, even tho' you already live in it?


And everyone seems to drive around in large pick-ups, with some permutation of the "Stars and Bars" on the trucks, and try to run you off the road because you have a Vote Progressive or Amnesty International sticker on it? And the whole place looks like something out of Tobacco Road, except for the one rich area?


And I have been unemployed for a year and a half. I am attempting to find a new career, and start over.
But I feel hopeful. YOu have no kids, and no responsibility beyond yourself. You can move if you want (a gift straight from Nirvana).

So buck up.

[SOteric]

5. What makes you so certain that your brother

and his wife and family were in any position to help you with your school expenses.

And why do you believe that they 'owed' it to you to do so?

[jiacinto]

7. He had a very good paying job

And it wasn't a matter of it being "owed" to me, but rather the principle that family is supposed to take care of family. I would have helped out had the situation been the opposite. He could have helped--he chose not to. And he was flagrant about it.

[Booberdawg]

8. STOP letting this eat you alive, Carlos

you need to see a counselor because of all the things you've just been through in Florida, for one. Then, one step at a time, make some plans for a job, a place of your own to live, and getting back on your own two feet.

I'd be lost without cable too ;) and especially internet access.

First things first. I've been job hunting too but my job links are in the Omaha area. I'll look for some in your area and PM them to you if I find any.

Linda

[prolesunited]

9. Carlos, please seek professional help

The people on DU CANNOT solve your problems and you don't seem to listen to any of the advice that they have given you.

Although I am sorry that you have had difficulties in your life, your constant hand-wringing and whining is highly undproductive and is solving nothing.

Your brother opened his house to you instead of leaving you out on the street. Can you not muster any gratefulness for that? They are letting you use the computer to type cover letters, so how are they hindering your job search. They probably just don't want to allow you to spend all day on DU. They are being accommodating, and again all you can do is criticize that it is not enough.

You have a car, a place to stay, food to eat and clothes on your back. You should be counting your blessings. You are doing FAR better than BILLIONS of other people on this planet.

I cannot stress enough that you really need to get some counseling and perhaps be put on meds for depression. You are definitely in a downward spiral.

[jiacinto]

12. Yeah I will do that

when I get to the next place and have a job. Right now it's not in the budget.

[Demobrat]

10. So they are helping you now

but you are still holding a grudge because what they did for you before wasn't enough. And when you do get out of there, you will hold a grudge because what they are doing for you now isn't enough. You know what? Some people don't have anybody to do anything for them at all. But you wouldn't know about that, would you? You only know, or think you know, that your brother and his wife should do more. You are headed for a very sad and bitter life. It's sad to see.

[MuseRider]

11. Your journey

has been a terrible one. So, shine this on as much as you can, thank your brother, work your ass off to get a job and tell them you will be gone as soon as you can be. I know you have to replace almost everything. There is nothing you can do to change what happened but you can climb out of it and make it better but you must be patient. Sorry, you can do it, it will not be fun but if you work first on changing your attitude it will come faster. This is not meant to be critical of your attitude, you earned the right to be pissed. Keep on working away and you can get out of this. Good luck.

[jiacinto]

13. I am too bitter

I will admit that.

[salin]

15. Then snap out of it.

Let go of material needs. Believe me, it can be done. Look at the bigger picture of life. That is both in beginning to appreciate what you do have - to appreciate the world around you - and beginning to see the beauty in others (and being a little less self-absorbed). While looking for a job - find a volunteer activity that really gives direct service to others. Is there a food pantry - a head start program - an adult literacy class - anything like that in the community. What about a habitat for humanity program? Start giving to others. Not for financial gain but just because you are able to do so.

[MuseRider]

20. I agree with

both salin and Lars. Let go of the bitterness, it does not help you and takes the place of anything good that might happen to come along. I know it is easy to say but you must or it will eat away at you. If there is one thing I have learned it is that lesson. Get over the bitterness by sheer force of will and live your life in ways you will not regret, never allow yourself to do something you will feel guilt or remorse over, they are always things that you would not do in normal circumstances. I like the work several jobs idea or work a job and volunteer. The busier you are the less time you have to worry. You can do this, we have all been there in one way or another. Until you get up and decide you are not a victim, even though you have been one, things will not get remarkably better. You can do it.

[salin]

14. The ONLY good thing?

Perspective is needed. Given that recently personal safety was a concern - I would guess that this goes up in your new environment as well as costs of living going down.

You say that you are still seething at your brother and his wife - are you at the same time able to see anything that they are doing nice for you? Can you place yourself in their shoes for a few minutes? Why - because it might allow you to show a little bit of appreciation for their taking you in - which might go a very long way interms of mending fences and building a familial relationship.

Sorry but cable is a very, very minute detail in the long scheme of things. You really need to get past the material - and start appreciating the miracle of life and the world around you. It is gorgeous today in Indiana - go outside, look at the amazing way that the clouds gently move through the sky. Sit on a bench and watch the wonder on children's faces as they discover something new while playing with their parents. In each of those things find joy in being at harmony with these daily little wonders. It is through finding this kind of space that one can regain perspective in one's own life. If you can't stop obsessing about what you believe you are owed by others (family) and life (material things) you will never find peace nor happiness. Even once you are working. The perspective you find in celebrating the beauty of life and the world - will, in the long run, help you map out your next steps in a strategic rather than very short-term manner. It is all about finding perspective.

[jiacinto]

17. I drove straight though IN this past week

It was an interesting state.

[salin]

26. It is indeed

I have often forgotten that when I have lived other places (metro dc; ann arbor/detroit; SF Bay Area) - but I get back... and once i adjust - I find it quite interesting. Helps being in a major college town.

Have you scoped out what is of interest in your new community?

As soon as you can, you should find volunteer activities while you pursue your job hunt. May I suggest doing some volunteer work that is NOT political in nature (or you could do both). It can be exceptionally helpful to regain perspective on life.

[Lars39]

16. My advice: (yeah, like you really want it!)

Don't be at your brother's house any longer than you want to be. Don't wait there for a really good job to come your way; apply for and accept anything that you are physically able to do----and take two of these jobs. You won't be in the house fretting about what belongings or priviledges you have or don't have, and you'll also (hopefully) be making enough money to move into your own place, where you will continue to work 2 jobs while you are applying for better jobs. Just my 2c.

[jiacinto]

18. I applied to two jobs today

nt

[Wonk]

19. I PMed you this link but didn't get any response so here it is again

http://www.iowaworkforce.org/

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

21. I mean this with love...take some responsibility for your life

While you cannot control the fact that you were mugged, every other issue to befall you was under your control. Good things do not just happen to other people. They had to create them. They created them by being intentional and not stopping when things appeared to have obstacles.

That unstoppability is something you can work out in counseling but it requires the willingness to look.

You claim to resent your brother for not helping you when your parents died, but somehow you DID get your books, complete your education and complete a post grad degree. Your brother in ALL probability SERVED you by forcing you to go it alone so that you could prove to yourself you could. In the long run, he contributed to you by making you MORE independent so that you could prove your own ability to survive to yourself.

Your internal conversation is driven by the phrase SOMETHING'S WRONG. That isn't news...on some level that conversation is there for most people...but when they discover what is wrong they seek to make it right.


Your brother has opened up his home to you.
If he didn't love you, he wouldn't do that.

It isn't difficut to look at life and be thankful for its blessings. SOme are simply not in the habit of doing it.

Put a post-it note up where you will see it first thing in the morning. On it, ask the question...WHAT IS GREAT ABOUT YOUR LIFE?

FORCE yourself to answer that question. Don't say nothing because that is a lie. DO it everyday...make it a practice and a discipline.

Really Carlos...WHAT IS GREAT ABOUT YOUR LIFE? It's there...you aren't looking at it nor acknowledging it.

[jiacinto]

22. well

I have a nice car. That's one good thing.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

23. Very good

What else?

And thanks...just the willingness to look is a good thing. I really do have a fondness for you and want to see your life work.

[jiacinto]

28. Yeah

Me too

[salin]

27. Suggestion - try answering the question

about YOU or about the quality of how you exist in life or experiences that you have had that make you who you are today - not about material possessions. We are the sum of our experiences, not a compilation of our possessions. Give a shot at answering NSMA's question again - but answer about that person you look at in the mirror.

[enough]

24. I think you said earlier that these folks have two small children?

If so, having an extra person living in the house is a stress for them too.

If you don't have kids, it's hard to understand how much energy goes into taking care of them and trying to keep life going fairly smoothly for everyone in the household. A new person coming in, especially if that person is staying for a while, can really be disruptive.

Remember, you are not their kid. It's not up to them to provide you with unlimited computer time, etc. It's up to you to try to fit in with their life as well as you can, and to notice the ways you may be making life diffiicult for them.

And then GET OUT OF THERE as soon as possible! Obviously, nobody wants this situation, least of all you. Thank them for their help (no matter how you may be privately seething with anger) and get the hell out.

[MissMarple]

25. Good luck, Carlos. This is a difficult time without your recent troubles

You're out of school, which can be very intimidating for people who actually like going to school. You don't have a job. You have little money, and live with people who make you feel like a charity case.

How your brother treats you reflects directly on him and has little to do with you. How you handle this situation does reflect on you. A lot of kids are in your shoes right now. Are you in an area that has good job prospects or are you there primarily because your brother lives there? What kind of work are you looking for? My daughter is applying to a grad school, and working at something not directly related to her area for $9 and no benefits. If we didn't subsidize her, she would really be struggling. So, I know it's tough out there, and again, good luck. :D