Saturday morning romance thread: Why is it that

[Wapsie B]

some people seem to have a wide variety of prospective partners and others not nearly as much? Why are some people seen as sexy and approachable by many while others are the eternal "friend only?" If romance and relationships are a numbers game how does an introverted soft-spoken guy break through the stereotype of being seen as only an asexual friend, a eunuch?

[Kathleen04]

1. Well, is the guy

sure that he really is seen as the asexual friend or is that just the role that he is projecting on himself? If he acts like nothing but the asexual friend, he'll be nothing but the asexual friend regardless of what she thinks because she can't detect any chemistry to respond to. He has to show interest, first off. If he shows interest and gets shot down, that's a different scenario, but he has to try first.

[hfojvt]

32. not always

girls are always showing interest in my little brother, and he looks like me too, except he fusses with his hair.

[GirlinContempt]

2. But nevertheless don't mean to bust your bubble

But girls of the world ain't nothing but trouble

[Sugar Smack]

12. Honey, I love you madly, but your sigline makes me nervous!

:loveya: :scared: :loveya: :scared: :loveya: :scared: :loveya: :scared: :loveya: :scared: :loveya: :scared: :loveya: :scared: :loveya: :scared: :loveya: :scared:

[GirlinContempt]

18. hahahahhaa

why?

[bridgit]

30. i have a pic to go with your sig pic...

[Omphaloskepsis]

40. Office Space..

Everyone needs to watch it.

[ScreamingMeemie]

3. It sounds schmucky and mooshy, but the guy needs to have a more

confident view of himself. If he sees himself as only an asexual friend, that is all he is ever going to be. Same goes for the "mousy" woman. I had self esteem problems...big ones. I didn't "click" with MrG until I addressed them. :hi:

[Wapsie B]

29. For some, the problem is

how to develop that self confidence. Or at least maintain that. :hi:

[hfojvt]

34. it is not so much how people see themselves

If the only women who will talk to you, for example, seem to begin the conversation, or very quickly establish - "okay, I am talking to you, but let's be clear that we are just friends. I mean, I like you, maybe even alot, but I would not, under any circumstances, even if the world was going to end, or if you were the 2nd to last man on earth would I consider having sex, or a sexual relationship, with you." Then a disturbing pattern seems to have been clearly established. The writing on the wall is all too plain, and so am I, but even I had my chances.

[grannylib]

4. I have always thought that friendship was the best prerequisite for

lasting love; my gut instinct is that many women are too shallow and looking for Mr Perfect (meaning rich, handsome, trophy husbands and to hell with personality, compatibility, etc.) but I could be wrong...it's been known to happen!
I think that if friendship is allowed to develop, and if romantic feelings follow out of that and are expressed, the possibilities are there for great life-long romance.
Just my $.02 worth...

[just a girl]

53. I hope you're right....

I believe with all my heart that only a true friendship can survive the test of a relationship. I hope someday to prove the theory.

And it's not just the women that are shallow.

[grannylib]

55. No, I am sure there are many shallow guys out there too...

My hubby and I knew each other well before we started dating, and although we pretty much knew we WANTED to go out together from the beginning, we had the friendship first and I think it's made all the difference.

[LeftyMom]

5. The right person will see that side of you

Trying to change yourself in some way to be more attractive to a wide variety of prospective partners is just going to make it harder for the right one to see you for who you are.

At least, that's how I see it. I'm no expert.

[Tallison]

7. Bingo

Listen to this woman. :thumbsup:

[gollygee]

6. Quiet and mysterious can be sexy too

but you have to have an air of confidence. If you like yourself, women will respond to that.

[Monkey see Monkey Do]

8. If you find an answer, let me know

I have no problem making friends with women, but anything else is like a foreign language to me. (And I've done the "You're like a brother to me" thing twice - the first time she was constantly going on about how shit her b/f was (he did ketamine nearly every weekend & got two girls pregnant whilst they were going out) & how great I was ... when I got the courage to tell her how I felt she freaked & that was that.)

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

11. See post 10

[WCGreen]

19. Tell her ya wanna move to West Virginia where incest is almost

legal.....

[Monkey see Monkey Do]

22. lmao!

[SeattleGirl]

28. WC.......

:spank:

[LaraMN]

9. Y'know, alternately, being attractive to a wide variety of potentials

means that you end up having to wade through a whole lot of trash to find a good person. My best relationship was the one that blossomed out of a very good friendship. My definitive worst- the Adonis of a guy I dated because he told me I was "haunting." :eyes: Confidence and patience is a must if you're looking for a long-term relationship.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

10. I used to have that problem. Here's your answer.

As I've found, both men and women are guilty of categorizing a new acquaintance within the first few encounters. This is when you have to make it clear what your intentions are, doubly true if you're the nice guy type. Never let it get into their mind that you're just looking for friendship. And yes, this has at least a little to do with self-confidence. You have to be confident that when you approach a girl you might be interested in that you have a chance. That is not to say you have to be overly forward either, but it hurts absolutely nothing to ask someone out for a cup of coffee.

[Az]

13. Develop your passions and you will find someone that shares them

If you become focused on finding someone you will never find anyone that measures up and you will have nothing to offer them any way. Stop looking. Set about being your self. And in time there will be someone that likes you for who you really are.

[Heidi]

14. You might want to ask Call Me Wesley about that.

He's about as soft-spoken and introverted as they come. As to your other question, I've never been one of those people with a wide variety of prospective partners, so I've no idea. :shrug:

It's cold comfort, I know, bushwentawol, but I do adore you. I just didn't know about ya when I lived in the next state over. :loveya:

[Wapsie B]

27. The feeling's mutual Heidi.

:loveya:

[Sugar Smack]

15. If you watch more John Hughes movies,

you will find the answer to your questions, precious grasshopper.

:hug:

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

16. Yeah, but who the hell wants to sit through those?

:evilgrin:

[Sugar Smack]

24. Nice guys who want to get laid.

OH, SNAP!!!!!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :loveya:

[hfojvt]

35. I love John Hughes

but I thought it was also hilarious when Jay and Silent Bob were trying to find Sherburne, Illinois in the movie Dogma.

[Wapsie B]

44. Which ones oh wise one?

:hug:

[Nikia]

17. Not sure

I was a female friend to many desirable guys which sort of sucked. I never dated any male friends because they never came onto me. It probably turned out to be a good thing because I never stayed friends with ex boyfriends. Still, it seemed to suck at the time.
Now that I am married all sorts of men who I would never want to date seem to want me as a prospective partner.

[SeattleGirl]

31. The unobtainable seems to be a turn-on to many people

They (men and women both) seem to find a married or otherwise unavailable person to be something of a challenge. Thing is, I bet once they got that person, they'd lose interest!

[hfojvt]

38. there are a couple other factors too

One is that a person with an SO has a certain amount of validation. If X desires him/her, that validates him/her as desirable as the SNL skit with a spoof of Ollie North testifying that he thought Gary Hart's foible was attractive and a senator reminding him 'you are under oath.' To date someone opens you up to your friends or relatives questioning your judgement.

The second is perhaps a confidence factor. When I thought I had a girlfriend, I found that it was very easy for me to flirt, or just talk with other women. It was easy because I had nothing at stake, I did not care. Maybe it was partly the self-confidence created by my belief that I had a girlfriend, but another was the expectation - I was not trying to pursue them or win their approval or get a date, I was just being me.

[SeattleGirl]

42. Very good points!

I know that since I got married, I seem to be more attractive to other men (which, I admit, I like -- but which I would not act on). I think that fits with both for your points, especially the second one. I like to flirt, (the lounge goes "or really???"), and feel confident because I don't have anything invested in it in terms of finding a mate or anything.

I think, bottom line, what it comes down to is working to become more confident if you are really lacking in that area, and working at being a better you -- that is, building up your good points, and not trying to be someone you're not.

[Wapsie B]

43. Yes, being a challenge is a turn-on.

There are guys who want the woman who's approached every 5 minutes for a date as well as women who lust after the guy who can have his pick of women. It's like they're after a trophy and not a person's affection.

[SeattleGirl]

48. Exactly!

And I really don't care to be a "trophy" for anyone, nor would I want a man who I would consider only a trophy -- good for nothing but looking at. :)

[Wapsie B]

51. That's definitely not me.

There's got to be that deeper connection. And to find that I just need to not worry about rejection. I remember going to dances in Jr. High. I'd keep asking girls to dance until one said yes. If someone said no, no big deal. I need to get back to that.

[Lilith Velkor]

20. Stay out of the "friend zone"

I used to be a Nice Girl, myself. I'm not anymore because when I'm interested in a man, I tell him right away. If it scares him off, that's good because then he won't waste any more of my time.

As for your first question, that's a matter of looks and/or self-confidence.

[WCGreen]

21. Confidence in yourself, my friend....

That's is all it takes...

Until you are confident in yourself, you will not be able to handle the rejection... And you will get rejected...

Okay, women leave the room....

One of my best friends in High School and college was a big time player... He was easy on the eyes, but.... He wasn't the brightest bulb in the forest... He knew this but he was confident in his ability... What he did best...

He pulled me aside when I was about twenty two.... I had had a fair share of relationships but far too many were ending up in the friends area... He told me I was good looking, smart, funny so why did I hate myself....

It took me another year or two...

And then, I came into my own, projected confidence in myself in who I was and thebalance tipped so far in the other direction that I couldn't believe what was happening...

Long story short...

Be yourself, except who you are and do not fear rejection.... What's the worst that could happen...

[Wapsie B]

26. Thanks my friend.

That's a very thoughtful response. Yeah, "why did I hate myself." I'm as guilty as anyone of being hard on myself for a variety of reasons. I look outward for personal validation way too often. At the heart of it all though I believe that I'm as worthy as anyone of finding true love. I just need to be able to believe that all the time and make it show.

[khashka]

23. The main thing is you may be too picky

If you only wanna date supermodels it's gonna be slim pickings.

Look around - that shy fat girl sitting there? She's probably wild in bed and can't wait to get you there.

A lot of it has to do with our own expectations and how we view other people. Ask yourself who are the women you know that you don't consider potential partners? Why not? Chances are some of them find you attractive and are waiting for you to make a move.

The introverted, soft spoken thing is a non-starter. So get over it. If you meet a woman you find attractive - tell her! You don't have to be crude about it. But you'll get nowhere unless you do.

Khash.

[gollygee]

25. You bring up a good point

I've heard men say, "Why is it women just want me to be friends" pretty often but those men are often the ones who only think of women who aren't stereotypically pretty as friends. So sometimes they're getting what they're giving.

Not sure if that's the case for the OP though.

[khashka]

36. I'm not sure that's the case with him either

Sounds more like he's a little shy. All I meant was there must be women that he's put in the "just friends" category that would like to be more than that and there are other women out there who'd like him but that he'll never meet if he doesn't try to be a little more extroverted.

It's a tough world for single people and difficult to find that certain someone.... so you gotta take risks, gotta take chances, gotta look where you least expect to find them.

Khash.

[Wapsie B]

41. Yeah I tend to freeze up at the crucial moment

of asking a woman for more than being an acquaintance. So that's probably shyness and self confidence issues. I'm not going to deny that.

And I really don't see myself as picky. I've not dated a woman anywhere close to a beauty queen. I do try to find the beauty in all. I just need to be aware of the beauty inside me.

[khashka]

45. I just need to be aware of the beauty inside me

True, very true. And it took me years to be able to do that (still have problems doing it), so I feel for you, brother.

I didn't mean to imply you were some sort of idiot who would only date a conventionally "beautiful" woman and then whine about not getting a date. (Although that's often the case.)

You seem like a thoughtful, sensitive person. Women really dig that :evilgrin: But at first it's usually the man who intiates things. If you have the courage to do that (and it does take courage and time and patience) you'll find a woman who does see the beauty inside you - even when you don't.

Khash.

[Wapsie B]

46. Thanks.

Yeah I like to think of myself as a sensitive guy. It's the courage and not making a big deal out of rejection that I've got to work on.

[hfojvt]

37. from 'when Harry met Sally'

"nah, you pretty much wanna nail them too."

[Call Me Wesley]

33. Thoughts from an introverted soft-spoken guy ...

Dear bushwentawol,
I probably can't answer your question.

It did astonish me all the time, however, that I was for years what you described. The best friend, asexual, however I missed the physical closeness many times. What astonished me was that, being the best friend, sharing the secrets or just plain talks was way more some of my female friends shared with their boyfriends. In retrospective, it was much more intimate than what they shared, and I stayed this 'best friend' while many boyfriends came and went. But I didn't see the meaning then but only solitude. It's like to be such close and you're waiting for something to happen, but the last distance is never crossed.

Also, looking back, there were the opportunities. Opportunities where someone else thought of me as best friend and wanted to get past the last distance. There I blocked, and thinking of it, I could have done better then, I could have overcome myself. So I do think it does even out, somehow, and sometimes we're unable to see what's in for us because we're focused on something or someone else that might only exist in our thoughts or approach of thinking.

I can't tell you how to break through these kind of stereotypes, but I can tell you to observe these stereotypes closely and to learn to analyse them in the long run. The day you won't acknowledge them any longer is the day you've overcome them. Then, romance and relationship will have the ground to settle in.

Be yourself (everything else just doesn't work), and address this issue with your friends. Since they do know you on a much more intimate base than you think, they might have the best advice. And that's not a matter of shyness or being introverted. It's friendship. It's more than some married people have, believe me. It's good.

Take your time.

[Wapsie B]

39. My thoughts..........

Dear bushwentawol,
I probably can't answer your question.

>>Actually you did a pretty good job of answering my post.


It did astonish me all the time, however, that I was for years what you described. The best friend, asexual, however I missed the physical closeness many times. What astonished me was that, being the best friend, sharing the secrets or just plain talks was way more some of my female friends shared with their boyfriends. In retrospective, it was much more intimate than what they shared, and I stayed this 'best friend' while many boyfriends came and went. But I didn't see the meaning then but only solitude. It's like to be such close and you're waiting for something to happen, but the last distance is never crossed.


>>That is a perfect description of my experience. I couldn't understand why they could confide in me yet go running back to someone else. Yeah I had a good friendship. But when it was all said and done they were having that deeper human interaction and I went home alone. I've learned the hard way that if you want to be more than a friend with a woman don't be her shrink.


Also, looking back, there were the opportunities. Opportunities where someone else thought of me as best friend and wanted to get past the last distance. There I blocked, and thinking of it, I could have done better then, I could have overcome myself. So I do think it does even out, somehow, and sometimes we're unable to see what's in for us because we're focused on something or someone else that might only exist in our thoughts or approach of thinking.


>>Yes, both sexes are blind to the opportunities that are out there. I'm sure there's had to be those missed by me. I just want to be able to open my eyes to what's out there.


I can't tell you how to break through these kind of stereotypes, but I can tell you to observe these stereotypes closely and to learn to analyse them in the long run. The day you won't acknowledge them any longer is the day you've overcome them. Then, romance and relationship will have the ground to settle in.

Be yourself (everything else just doesn't work), and address this issue with your friends. Since they do know you on a much more intimate base than you think, they might have the best advice. And that's not a matter of shyness or being introverted. It's friendship. It's more than some married people have, believe me. It's good.

Take your time.

>>Well, I'm 48 so I've definitely taken my time. Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

[just a girl]

47. I wish I knew.

I know plenty of men that have the same complaint - always the friend, never the lover. 'Course they're all attracted to the same kind of woman - strong, self-centered, and attracted to "bad boys".

I also know plenty of women who are doomed to always be the guys best friend. She's the one he turns to when his heart has been broken, but he will never look at her as more than just a friend.

I've also seen people who are always being surrounded by people that want their time and attention, but they want someone else who won't give them the time of day.

The only thing I've seen that seems to make a difference is that the "eternal friends" truly care about the other person, and the "sexy and approachable" types only care about themselves.

One has to decide for themselves which is more important - having a heart or being the object of affection.

[Wapsie B]

49. Lots of people just don't see whats out there

and make bad relationship decisions because of that, myself included. I see and feel the rejection when I focus on one woman. But then I fail to see the woman who'd love to say yes. I need to be able to see the forest for the trees.

Welcome to DU!

[just a girl]

50. "Sometimes love is blind...

... and we don't see what's right under our noses."


Thanks for the welcome!

[Wapsie B]

52. You're welcome.

Yes right under our noses can be true. But I'm trying to see that what's right under my nose and see nothing.

[In_The_Wind]

54. You just have to keep on meeting women ...

There is one who will appreciate you for yourself. :thumbsup: