tell me not be be mad at my autistic brother

[Skittles]

My 74-yr old mum took Randy for an appointment and when the got back she couldn't get the front door open because of low blood sugar - she headed for the garage but fell on the sidewalk and bashed her face......she stayed there while Randy wandered up and down the sidewalk for TWO HOURS, never going to the neighbors for help. THE MAILMAN FOUND HER and phoned for an ambulance.....she is OK now, stitches in her nose, black and blue elbows...wailing, "They cut me bloody new coat off me."

I know there is no point yelling at an autistic person (think Rain Man) but I am still steamed about it. I just don't understand how a person who could accurately assess the standings of all teams in the Baseball and Football leagues cannot have enough sense to go get the g.d. neighbors for help.

[SeattleGirl]

1. Well, using the Rain Man example, Raymond could count cards

and do complex equations, but could not do simple things. As I understand it, in Autism, parts of the brain may be highly functioning, while other parts, parts that might cover the "common sense" things, don't function so well.

Sorry, I'm probably telling you things you already know. I think the real thing here is that you DO feel frustrated and angry because your mom was lying there for so long, and your brother didn't have (literally, perhaps) the mental ability to go find someone to help your mom.

Do you have access to any support groups or anything, good friends (you always have us), you can blow off steam to? That might help you in being able to find a release for your frustration.

[knowbody0]

2. that is so awful

she sounds like a really tough 74 year old. Bloody Hell!

[Skittles]

7. my grandmother was even worse

when the bombs were dropping, my mum as a child would be udner the bed screaming but her mum would just get into bed as usual, "IF I'M GOING TO DI I'LL DIE IN MY BED." Ya, she was tough. :O

[GoddessOfGuinness]

3. I'm sorry about your mom...

She needs to maintain a healthy blood sugar level, especially since she's taking care of your brother. If only your brother's autism symptoms could be alleviated simply by eating something.

I hope she's better soon, and gets a nice new coat.

[REP]

4. I'll Go You One

I'm FAR more unreasonable than you, so: I'd be upset with Mom for not monitoring her BG more carefullly when she knew she'd be out with her son who is not capable of handling crises (this coming from someone who had a hypo while shopping for a checkbook cover tonight, and yes I was pissed at myself).

If your brother really *is* Rainmanesque, it's a little too much to be mad at him for not taking charge; he may not be able or know what to do or may not have been taught what to do. That said, just because it isn't reasonable doesn't mean you can't! I understand and sympathize with the reaction.

Glad your Mom's okay now.

[Skittles]

8. she says she thinks she made some kind of mistake with the dosages

that morning (Randy is diabetic too)

[nutsnberries]

5. don't be mad at your brother.

like you said, there's no point yelling - no point being mad either.

i'm glad your mum is ok. :hug:

[Az]

6. Identity

Its a vital part of our mind and in the autistic mind it is shattered. Depending on how severe it is he simply cannot understand the idea of another thing having an identity. Sports statistics and such are numbers. They are things. He can deal with things. But people... that part of his brain simply doesn't work.

[Skittles]

9. they're really not there then, Az

they really aren't there

[SOteric]

10. That's a bit like

being angry at a lamp because the bulb's burnt out.

I do understand your frustration, though. Better than you might know.

Maybe it's time to get mum a cell phone?

[Skittles]

13. she had a cellphone and a can of coke in her purse

but wasn't able to articulate enough thought to put 2 and 2 together

[Susang]

11. His brain just doesn't work like ours does

I think I've mentioned to you before that my sister is an autism researcher. From what I've gleaned from my conversations with her, people on the autism spectrum think and communicate in a vastly different way from neuro-typicals (you and me).

Your brother may not have even been aware of his surroundings, he probably didn't realize that your mother was hurt. His brain works in a different way and if he's as autistic as you're implying, then he probably spends a lot of time focusing inward and engaging in self stimulating behavior (rocking, spinning, etc).

How old is your brother? Is your mother getting services to help with his care? I can always see if my sister knows of any services in her area, just let me know.

[Skittles]

14. Randy is 44

mum is very protective of him and takes him to doctor and dentist appts but doesn't use "services' = she's a bit off, my mum is

[Susang]

17. So she doesn't get any help with his care?

That must be hard for her, caring for him all by herself.

[Skittles]

18. a younger brother lives with them

kinda takes care of them both, although he does have to work.........

[hfojvt]

12. can I B pi$$ed at your neighbors?

What sort of neighborhood is it where a known autistic can wander up and down the sidewalk for two hours and nobody notices that something is wrong? Does he usually wander the neighborhood? I can see myself on DU or the internet for two hours and never bothering to go or look outside, but my dogs would probably be barking at your brother whether they were inside or outside and I would have to check and see what was going on.

[Skittles]

15. not many people really know about him

he very rarely goes outside, only for appts really

[hickman1937]

16. Go ahead and be mad as hell.

Lock yourself in a bathroom with breakables. Cheap dishes, or ice cubes if you're broke. Smash them in the shower. Scream and yell at him. Then when you get tired, remember what the other, wiser posters said here. Family's are a bitch.:hug:

[NMMNG]

19. Don't be mad

Dealing with somebody who has autism can indeed be frustrating, but what they do and don't do is not intended to be annoying, it is a component of their disorder. People with autism have mild to severe difficulties interacting socially with others, and what seems perfectly normal to us can seem incredibly foreign, confusing and stressful to them.

Some autistic people are unable to think in words, and instead think only in pictures. Many have distinct sensory impairments so that they are hypersensitive or hyposensitive to sounds, sights, smells, touch, etc. It is also very common for those with autism to be very dependent on set routines, and "sameness" in their environments, with even minute changes causing them great distress.

It is likely that your brother does not have the necessary awareness and skills to react to emergency situations, which is why he failed to react to your mother's distress. Another person with autism may have responded by showing marked agitation--every person is different.

It may be helpful to check out some support groups for family members of people affected by autism, or to read some basic information on autism. There are some excellent papers and books by Temple Grandin, a high functioning woman who has autism. She explains very well how it is to be someone with autism, which goes a long way in helping the unaffected person understand why people with autism "act the way they do".

Best wishes to you. :-)

[Skittles]

20. thanks Buffy

I guess I was more shocked than anything because I guess I always thought he would be capable of helping our mum

[NMMNG]

22. No problem

It seems strange, but a person with autism might have no reaction to a a person with a gushing wound, but become severely traumatized over finding his/her bedroom rearranged. It's all part of the way their brains function.

[Skittles]

23. OMG

heaven forbid anything is NOT ON TIME........

[NMMNG]

24. They don't do it to be a pain in the butt

They just don't have the coping skills (and sometimes the ability to have the coping skills) necessary to deal with change, or to tolerate waiting for things. One thing I learned about people with autism is that some of them might find having something out of place in their environment (or not having somehting done "on schedule") as anxiety provoking as you or I would find hearing a loud noise in a dark alley.

[Robeson]

21. Great post Buffy, and great advice....

...:thumbsup:

[LisaL]

25. Your brother obviously didn't do it on purpose.

I don't know exactly how autism work, but could he be trained on what to do in such a situation, as a young child could be trained to call 911 when something happens?

[In_The_Wind]

26. Skittles

I'm sorry about your mum's problems.

Some neighborhoods are too cold to take care of each other. I'm very sorry that your mother waited so long for assistance.

Was your brother alright after wandering around in unfamiliar surroundings?

[AirmensMom]

27. I'm sorry, Skittles.

I read all the posts and don't have anything to add ... just I'm sorry it happened. :hug: