Why does a cheated on spouse blame the other woman/man first?

[nini]

I swear to God I hear this all the time.. people going on and on about how they're going to get so and so for messing around with their husband /wife.

Now, I know the other person is part of the problem but why would the other person deserve more rath than the person you are married to? Seems to me you were betrayed by your spouse and they're the ones who need their asses kicked.

AND two people fighting over another one - :shrug: why would you fight over someone who isn't putting you first?

No, I didn't watch Jerry Springer today.... I overheard some ladies at lunch going crazy about some other girl who a husband was cheating with.

Is it just me? Or does this seem odd to you?

[Tallison]

1. I never got it, either

When it happened to me, I was grateful for the help in exposing my SO for the pond-sucking snake he really was. :shrug:

[GOPisEvil]

2. I was cheated on once - I blamed them both.

They deserved each other. Anyone who disrespects me enough to cheat on me isn't worth fighting for.

[nini]

11. I told you I'd kick her ass for you

:D


but you're right on a certain level. both played a part and are to blame. But, my attention would be focused on my partner first.

[GOPisEvil]

13. LOL - she's not worth the night in jail.

:D

Plus, it was well over 15 years ago. I was mad at HER more, but I was mad at both of them.

[nini]

16. hehe.. you remember my offer of kicking ass though.. that's funny

Your reaction was right on. She didn't deserve you and he deserved some scorn too.

[billyskank]

3. Maybe it's easier

to blame the other person.

[skygazer]

4. It's always seemed odd to me

To use a tabloid example, those people who talk about Angelina Jolie being a "homewrecker" and "destroying" Jennifer Aniston's marriage. As if Brad had nothing to do with it.

In my mind, the person who is married or attached is the one mostly to blame - they're the one who is actually cheating. But I suppose it's sort of a defense mechanism - they don't want to be angry at the person they're married to so they deflect than anger onto the other party and convince themselves it's their fault.

But why people do it when it's not their relationship is beyond me.

[Darth_Kitten]

5. I don't know...

maybe we are in denial about those we love, and who we think love us. But the other person, they are outsiders taking what "belongs" (ah hem) to us.

it's easy to hate the "other" person because it seems they are callously and selfishly trying to come in and destroy something that isn't theirs.

Just my say. :)

[SOteric]

6. I've always thought it was a form of denial.

Discovering infidelity and/or betrayal can be very much like death in the grieving process. If one can believe the interloper is responsible, it's not necessary to face the loss of love.

Ultimately, one faces it anyway.

[LynzM]

14. I agree, SOteric

It's easier to put the blame on someone who didn't make promises to you, than to believe that the person who made those promises didn't mean them, and hurt you on top of it.

[Cyndee_Lou_Who]

19. Exactly, it's easier to belive it's that person's fault as opposed to the

one you love. Sad.

[miss_kitty]

7. because they're idiots

I find it's usually a female blaming another female, as if hubby can only obey his pecker, and it's up to other women to bind their chests and wear a burka when they get around HER man...:eyes:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

8. it is odd

the other woman/man is not the one who vowed "till death to us part"...


unless she is your best friend or your sister...really its not her problem to protect your feelings....its is however your partners fault

[nini]

24. Oh... if the other person was a relative....

then I would think equal anger at them is justified. Actually, I think that would hurt me worse than my partner's part.

[Divameow77]

9. Your spouse is the one that is supposed

to be loyal to you, usually the other person does not owe you anything, not that it makes them right they are still a slut for sleeping with a person they know is married.

[nini]

12. but what if the other person doesn't know they're married?

which is a possibility. BUT if they do know they're married then yes they're slutty.


Belated welcome to DU :hi:

[grace0418]

10. Especially because it's quite possible that the "home-wrecker"

doesn't even know his/her new lover is married. Which means the cheating spouse is lying to his/her spouse AND lover.

[purr]

15. My friend is goign through this.. and I tell her

for gods sake amanda, you dont know if SHE even KNOWS about you. He probably didnt tell her about you and for all you know he told her hes single.

Its not always the other persons fault.. she finally woke up after I verbablly smacked her around :)

[nini]

17. You're a good friend.. good friends throw the truth out there

even if the intended doesn't want to hear it.

[liontamer]

18. i don't get it either

I never would. And as for fighting for someone :eyes: I'll fight for my partner if he or she is in danger, if he or she is just slutty i think i can save myself the bother.

[hippywife]

20. It seems most

everyone here agrees that it is a form of denial. I concur. Very few injured partners seem to get that but then it is like a sock in the gut when it happens so there is little rational thought going on at the time. My advices to anyone who has been cheated on is to tell the cheating partner that if they want to play in the streets, they can stay in the streets.

[Susang]

21. It's not just denial

I think it's also the belief that someone of your own sex shouldn't do something like that to you. The unspoken sisterhood of women, or something like that. I know that the majority of my friends believe the worst possible sin a woman can commit is to fool around with a committed man. I know a lot of men who expect their male friend to mack on their girlfriends and are ready to beat the shit out of them at the first indication of any mischief.

It all comes down to how we are trained to think of our mates as we are growing up. Our current society presents them to us as a type of property. Perhaps not as blatant as it was in the past, but just as pervasive.

[nini]

23. that may have a bit to do with it too.

but to the point of wanting to beat them up was a bit much to hear.

I don't think the woman is blameless - I just think the majority of my anger would be aimed at my partner. (I know you're not contradicting that.. I'm just saying :-) )

[Susang]

25. Obviously I'm not talking about all men or all women

I don't think every man has a chip on his shoulder and is looking to beat the crap out of his friends and acquantances for talking to his girlfriend. Unfortunately, I've seen it happen too many times, especially recently where I work to discount it.

[WCGreen]

22. Agreed.....

[Dave Reynolds]

26. In my case, the other guy

was a friend of mine, so he could not claim ignorance or innocence.

And they both received an equal amount of wrath, of which I am now somewhat ashamed of.

[just a girl]

27. Having been the person that was cheated on....

I can say I was angry at the other woman for not respecting my relationship.

Of course I walked away and let her have him. Now I hear he's cheating on her.

Karma works?

[Samurai_Writer]

28. Once a cheater, always a cheater

I was married to a guy who constantly cheated on me with several women. he was also a pathological liar, so he was lying to me and to these women as well. In fact, he was 'engaged' to two of the women... while he was still married to me! Once I caught him red-handed, he was out of there ASAP. I hear he married 'fiancee #2' and is subsequently divorced from her... because she caught him cheating.

I don't blame the women as much as I do my husband. He knew what he was doing... they, for the most part, did not.

[just a girl]

29. If he'd lied to her I would have been more understanding.

He told her up front that he was married and she went there anyway.

I certainly blame him more than her though - he shouldn't have initiated the conversation / flirting in the first place.

[RetroLounge]

77. "Once a cheater, always a cheater"

Actually, no, that is NOT true. Too easy to believe that...

RL

[Samurai_Writer]

79. Gee, did I hit a sore spot?

More likely than not, someone who cheats on their spouse/partner will continue doing so. There may be a few RARE exceptions, but that is what they are... exceptions.

[RetroLounge]

80. Nope. No sore spot whatsoever.

Just because you think it so, does not make it so, and does not excuse the fact that SOMETIMES the person being cheated on has many issues and defects that contributed to the situation occuring.

and sometime, someone who cheats on one person, may NEVER do it again with them or anyone else ever again.

But you go ahead and believe what makes you happy.

RL

[Samurai_Writer]

81. Yeah, let's blame the cheated on spouse...

If someone is in a relationship where they are not happy, they should LEAVE. Nothing a spouse does or doesn't do is an excuse for cheating. Nothing.

But then again, I can see where your morals are. I only hope your own spouse or partner knows that if, god forbid, they have 'issues or defects' that they can expect to be cheated on.

[RetroLounge]

82. Hey, are you Okay? be careful...

You can hurt yourself jumping to so many conclusions at once.

Now take a deep breath and go back and read the black parts. See them? They are called words. Are you done? Good.

Now show me where I blamed anyone.

and based on a few words you obviously didn't read, you can see my morals? Sounds like the shit the Fundys spout. Sad...

And you know jack shit about me and my spouse, but thanks for caring. I'll be sure she reads this. She likes a good laugh too.

:hi:

RL

[chaska]

30. That wasn't me. I blamed my now EX-GF. Placed the blame where it belonged.

[mykpart]

31. It's not so much blaming the other person first, but

the idea of punishing the other person, especially if it's someone you don't know. Your spouse you can punish, but why should the other cheater get off scott-free? There are too many people out there who think that if someone is married, that is a challenge to see if they can have an affair with them.

[RedCloud]

32. Let's not naturally exclude the person cheated upon either.

Maybe they were not too cool and left their other half deprived.

Just saying, it sometimes takes three to tango!

Keeping an open mind on the topic and not limiting life to just two choices,

Red Cloud

[rbnyc]

40. The wife of the man I slept with was a serious cold-hearted bitch.

I did not respect their relationship. I thought it was a huge mistake. And I wanted them to break up.

It's a very long story. I told part of it in my post below. But things are never cut and dry.

The man was a very dear friend who was going through a hard time. She was literally a dominatrix and was seriously taking advantage of the fact that he was depressed and had lost his way. She was poison. He needed to get away from her and heal.

And that's what he did, thank the universe.

I will always love him, but if I had the chance I would not sleep with him aagin, because I'm married. This time, I'm the one who made a promise. And I wasn't lost and depressed when I did so. (Tho' I WAS on morphine.--another long story.)

EDIT: typo

[LostinVA]

55. I was thinking the same thing....

Sometimes people have checked out of a marriage long ago, and pretty much refuse to let the other person go. Not everyone who cheats is "cheating." I've seen too many dysfunctional relationships the last 20 years or so to just automatically blame the person who goes somewhere else. Sometimes more for friendship and affection than sex.

And no, I'm not talking about me.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

57. Not in all cases, but sure.

In my case, that couldn't have possibly been further from the truth, to the full admission of my ex. She was flat out messed up, and that's actually the nicest way I can put it. She had a lot of issues from her past.

[BigMcLargehuge]

33. it's not a question of blame really

it's more like wanting to get the guy who ripped off your house more than wanting to get the one that left the window unlocked.

[ChickMagic]

34. Well, if someone blamed their SO

they would have to admit that they are a bad judge of character. Not too many people are willing to admit they got bamboozled, so blaming the third party exonerates them.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

36. good point

[ChickMagic]

37. Thank you

I shall mark that on my calendar since it happens so infrequently. :evilgrin:

[Jed Dilligan]

35. How come

everyone so uptight!?

[rbnyc]

38. I once slept with a married man.

He was an old friend of mine. We'd been "friends with benefits" for almost 10 years. He'd written me this letter shortly before getting married that he couldn't believe , and never imagined there would be, a time in our lives where we didn't have sex anymore, and he wrote about how I'd been the best lover he'd ever had and how much we'd been through together.

I wrote him back and said that maybe we could create a new kind of monogamy where it was okay to keep one past lover. (I was pretty much joking.)

Shortly after he got married, I went to visit him and we ended up doping it on the island in his kitchen.

A few weeks later I got a call from his wife. She was bone-chillingly mad and kept saying she was going to sew my pussy shut.

I said, "You know, the fact that I slept with your husband when I was in Chicago really has way more to do with you and him than it does with me and him. I mean, I never made any promises to you."

She screamed, "You what!!!??? You SLEPT with him??!!!"

I said, "Yeah, you didn't know? What the hell have you been screaming at me about?"

She said, "I found your letter."

I just burst out laughing. I couldn't help it. I said, "I'm so sorry, I know that this isn't funny to you at all. I know it's very serious. But if you could stand outside yourself for a second and look at it--here you are threatening to sew me shut because you found some old letter--I mean what a way for you to find out we actually slept together. It couldn't have been written any better than that."

Then she said she was going to fly out to New York and hunt me down and kill me.

Anyway, that's my brush with infidelity.

Judge me if you must, but the point is, I agree. If a partner cheats, the issue is between the partners. The "other" man or woman never took any vows.

[Mizmoon]

39. You're lucky she didn't kill you

If I were her I would have personally ripped your head off, mostly just because of your attitude "go fuck yourself" attitude.

And I don't think you were kidding in your letter to him at all.

[LaurenG]

41. My thougts exactly

Not responsible for making choices that hurt others deeply. Whatever....

[rbnyc]

43. I f there hadn't been something about her and their relationship...

...that invited it, it never would have happened.

[rbnyc]

44. Also...

She was a dominatrix with clients. She wasn't going to give up her extramarital relationships, but she didn't even want him to have friends.

In our phone conversation, before she said she was going to kill me, she said, "I'll move him again. I'll just move him and no one will ever be able to find him."

She was keeping him like a slave.

This is not me breaking up Harry and Sally. This is some layered, complicated and disturbed shit.

[LaurenG]

48. That is an entirely different matter

I think integrity should be the bottom line though (personally) I know too well how badly it hurts others. I know how much trauma an affair causes. If we were all more compassionate we would either ask our SO first or break up from a committed relationship. Otherwise it's just a lie and we all know what comes from those. Everyone must choose which way to go in life. Many times it is a painful lesson that we really need to learn but we must all take responsibility for our actions, no matter what because you can't fool yourself. Hurting others really does come back to bite us in the ass.

:hug:

[rbnyc]

51. I agree.

If I wanted to be in a relationship with someone other than my husband, I'd ask him if he were ready for a poly-amorous situation, or if we should split up.

In the case of my friend and his dominatrix wife, I think that I'm the one who came to bite her in the ass.

:hi:

[rbnyc]

42. Well, that's the kind of judgement I opened myself up to...

...when I made my choice. So c'est la vie.

:)

Best Regards,

Rene

[2bfree]

45. I think that is awful.

Both you and him should have been ashamed not think it was funny. I hope your current husband doesn't have any friends like you were to this man.

[rbnyc]

47. When my husband and I first started dating...

...he had an affair with an old friend. They had been close friends for many years, and had slept together from time to time, and as they were getting older, and with my husband falling in love with me, they were realizing that they may never be together again and that their relationship would change. They had unfinished business.

The affair ended naturally. I would never have known, except my husband felt guilty and told me.

He thought I would be very hurt and that I would hate him for it.

Honestly, I wasn't hurt. The situation made perfect sense to me. I knew that it didn't detract from his love for me what-so-ever. It was really fine.

Given, we were not married, but we were in a serious relationship that was defiantly evolving.

I just don't think that things are so easily right and wrong. And I also think that if a relationship can be threatened, it's because of a vulnerability that is already there.

It's like Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

[nini]

46. To be honest with you... It sounds like you're looking for justification

Certainly from what you said she sounds like a wingnut, but when he married he made a choice. While HE is the one that violated his vow, I would hope others wouldn't make it so easy to violate it either.

To be honest wtih you.. what kind of friend is he really to you to put in in the position to deal with her reaction if she is that nuts?

[rbnyc]

50. I actually wasn't planning it.

I went there to see him because I was worried about him. I thought she was just evil, and her influence had cost him all of his friends. He was very isolated.

We both gave in to chemistry and nostalgia and our wish to be in a different time in our lives, and I wouldn't say it was the right thing to do.

But I would say that the impact of the affair on her is her burden. I would say that it either never could have happened or it could have happened but never could have had such an impact if their love were true.

I know that this is an issue that seems pretty clear to most people. And I did expect to get raked for sharing.

But I decided to share because it's a real story. It's not black and white. I honestly do think it's funny, sorry. And because most people here know me well enough to give me the benefit of the doubt.

Anyway, I do want to thank you for disagreeing with me in a civil and respectful way.

Of course, those who disagree in a less respectful way can only hurt me insomuch as I feel I deserve to be hurt.

:hi:

[faithnotgreed]

63. i just want to sneak in this thread to say to you

that i very much appreciate the civil and respectful way i have seen you respond to those with whom you "disagree"

the topic about which you wrote basically became a side note to me after reading your responses - that is what struck me
the maturity and respect you showed when others reflected back to you their opinions and your actions

so thank you for communicating and listening as a caring adult
if there is one thing i respect it is that

[rbnyc]

68. Thanks so much.

It's a very emotional topic--especially if you have your own experiences.

I really appreciate your post.

:)

[nini]

65. I disagree but I do understand

if that makes any sense.. ?


The more I read the more it appears he got himself in quite a bind. While I don't think it's wise to get involved as the other person, I can also relate to 'it just happening' too. It's kind of like saying teens just won't have sex when presented with the situation - easier said than done. I know enough of your to know you don't just go out looking for marriages to break up :-)


And I do agree the majority of her wrath should be directed at him not you. Their situation does seem to be based on anything but a healthy loving relationship.


:hug:

[rbnyc]

67. I really appeciate that.

Thanks!

[La Lioness Priyanka]

53. i really dont believe its the other persons fault at all!

having said that i havent slept with any married people


however if i did, i dont see how its my fault....i didnt promise to be loyal and faithful...someone else did

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

58. Maybe you didn't promise her anything, however...

You should have some kind of fundamental respect for another person's feelings. The husband was a fucking loser for cheating, but that doesn't absolve anyone else of the matter.

[rbnyc]

62. I din't have respect for her feelings.

If I had, I'd probably have ated much differently.

I hated her.

[merh]

60. But what if you were a friend of both?

What if you were given support and understanding by the partner of the partner you were cheating with?

Is that not then a betrayal by both you, the "cheater", and the partner?

To me, that is the lowest form of cheating and betrayal imaginable.

And just so you know, I too have my "married man" experience. When we became involved, I was told he was seperated and getting a divorce - a mutual friend had introduced us, certain that we were perfect for each other. He was gorgeous and fun loving and sweet and polite and everything I could have hoped for. I later learned that he was not seperated but miserable in his marriage and the mutual friend wanted to encourage him to get out of the marriage. The wife was a coc head and was only concerned with having a good time outside of the marriage. He stayed in the marriage because of his son. I had fallen in love with him and gave him that ultimatium we give married men - leave your wife or we are through. He left her, moved into an apartment and filed for divorce. The only problem was, he was miserable without his son, he knew he would have a hard time getting custody unless he made the divorce messy and ruined her and he couldn't do that to her or to his son. (His father had left his mother when he was little, he swore he would never do that to his boy.) He was so unhappy without his son, I told him to go back and make it work, to help her get treatment and to help the mother of his son be a mother again. I loved him too much to keep him, his obligations to his son were a part of him that I couldn't ask him to deny.

So I do know what it is to love someone that is married. I also know the guilt that comes with that love.

And, as I said, if I had been a friend of the wife before I became involved with the husband, I would have betrayed that friendship and I would share the guilt and responsibility of the husband. I can't imagine a worse betrayal.

[rbnyc]

61. That would be a completely different situation. (nt)

[NorthernSpy]

49. in Cambodia, wives have thrown acid in the faces of younger women...

... they suspect of having affairs with their husbands:

Acid has become the weapon of choice in fighting marital infidelity in Cambodia. Angry wives often attack their rivals with acid, leaving them painfully scarred. Although the government restricts the sale of battery acid to prevent attacks, the violence continues.

Women in Cambodia increasingly are fighting back when their husbands take mistresses. They are pouring acid on their rivals to leave them permanently scarred.

One of the best known cases involved Tat Marina, an 18-year-old actress and singer who was doused with acid by the wife of an undersecretary of state.

Kek Galabru founder of human rights group Licadho, says that case spawned a wave of attacks, with at least 20 reported last year. "It is only last year that we started seeing them, and then we see more and more," she says. "It became a kind of way, a popular way, a cheap way, to take revenge."

http://www.help-for-you.com/news/Oct2001/Oct23/PRT23-59Article.html


Tat Marina was just 16 years old -- and the main support of her parents and siblings -- when that bitch tried to burn her alive in front of Marina's 3-year-old niece.

This sort of violence has become a serious problem in Cambodia.

[av8rdave]

52. When my ex cheated on me....

I blamed HER! I still do, come to think of it.

[tigereye]

54. I think that the spouse who cheated is the most to blame

they are the person you are involved with. Odd how people haven't really mentioned the idea that the point of marriage, at least traditionally, is fidelity, that you choose fidelity and to be responsible and loyal to your partner in that you do not choose other partners.

Granted, the person who chooses to sleep with someone who is married has some responsiblity too, but they aren't to blame as much as the spouse who cheated is.

I know that's old fashioned, and I am sure that there are some folks who would allow for a more open marriage, but to me marriage simply means that you don't sleep with anyone else. And if you want to, you probably shouldn't get, or be, married.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

56. Well, I definitely place the lion's share of blame with my ex...

However, it's incredibly disrespectful for anyone to go anywhere near someone they know has a significant other, so I definitely blame him too.

[realisticphish]

59. Simple

because it's easier to blame the person you didn't love.

[Patiod]

64. Playing devil's advocate:

My friend blames both her husband and his high school sweetheart equally for her recent divorce. The high school sweetheart got a divorce and "looked up" my friend's husband on the internet. She started emailing him, and flew out to see him.

That crosses into predatory.

The husband is definitely in the wrong as well - he didn't exactly fight the woman off with a stick.

/in a double irony, the sweetheart, who is Jewish, ghostwrites books directed at fundamentalist Christians about "covenant marriage", Christian marriage, keeping your marriage strong, etc.

[nini]

69. the sweetheart in this case is evil BUT

she wasn't the one who broke the vow.

I'm not saying the other's aren't at fault and some are what you describe, it's just there are some who will remain blind to the betrayal of their SO and aim all the anger to the other one. I too would probably wish some kind of evil on the other person but I wouldn't do that instead of dealing with my husband.

Gotta love her job! hahaha

[RedCloud]

66. Emotional investment

They don't know the other person. It's easier to blame them. Then maybe blame their partner. And very few look at themselves and wonder why? Why do they keep that other person around?

As I revisit former relationships I am not proud that I did not give my best. I thought if I were the only one to cooperate and she didn't, I would get dominated.

Let's say a petty quarrel starts:
Am I man enough to say, "Hey this is really my fault, because I feel screwed up inside and instead of risking a different fight by telling you I feel really weird, I didn't. Because I knew you would try to console me and I don't want to be consoled. I need to feel miserable so I can get it out of my system. I tried to chance it out that it would go away, but it didn't..."?

One said to me,"I am really looking forward to you going to Mexico so I can have some time to myself." Looking back at it I should have realized she might feel some anxiety over it and was just acting tough and was too proud to say, "Hey you won a ticket over there (didn't have to pay!) and I would like to go too, but can't afford to tag along..." I read it as,"this relationship is going nowhere. It is not normal for people to express hostility when they will be apart for a month."

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

72. The victim, one way or another, is almost never to blame.

The cheater, even in a marriage, always has the option of calling things off before pursuing anything else. The ONLY case I can see cheating being the victim's fault is if they create an abusive environment where the cheater pulling away was not an option. In which case the cheater still should've sought the properly counseling and authorities first.

[LaurenG]

73. thank you vash

no one ever says that ever...

[satireV]

70. Men and women are not biologically designed to be monogamous

Thus when either blames the other for infidelity they are acting out a personality disorder.

They are trying to control someone else when that is impossible.

[nini]

71. Someone who can't be monogamous should not get married

if the other spouse expects monogamy.

I've heard the biological argument before and I don't buy it. If you need to have multiple partners then you should do so, but don't stand in front of another person and promise them they'll be the only one. Be mature enough to know you cannot live up to that and don't make the promise.

That's the issue. Not one's biological urges per se.

[redqueen]

74. No, it's not just you.

It always baffled me that people would be so mad at the person who was not the root cause of their frustration. If you don't like the cheating, then dump the cheater, dimwit!

[nini]

78. exactly.. why put up with it if you feel betrayed?

?

[bufffbison]

75. I wish i have a wife! Any dayton, oh singles in here? :-) nt

[Nikia]

76. I suppose that it could depend on the circumstances

I don't believe that my husband would cheat under any circumstances. I have seen a predatory type though who makes it their goal or hobby to sleep with married people. Of course, some married people, actively seek out others and might not even tell their other partner that they are married.
If the other woman/man the predatory type who I described, they deserve a great deal of blame. If the other man/woman is a friend of spouse, they also deserve a great deal of blame.
In all other cases, especially when the spouse is seeking someone out and lying to potential partners, the cheater is to blame.