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liberalitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 07:27 PM
Original message
Advice needed..... problem with friend's treatment of kid...
Here's the story:
Deb and I have been friends for 27 years (since 13).... at 15 she became pregnant and had Corndog (obviously not the boy's real name but that's all he would eat at one point...) later she had punky and dinky (twin girls for whom these nicknames fit.... especially punky now).
Deb has been through some real ups and downs (drugs, abusive men, cults).... but she has always been a good mom.
She has a girlfriend named diana who is a bad influence (hard drugs and too much alcohol)...... early in the summer they broke up and Diana moved to NOLA..... we were all glad.
Coincidence has it that Corndog has been living in NOLA too.
Katrina hit and corndog came home..... then Diana came back and moved in..... the whole vicious cycle has begun again.
Today, I'm in the coffee house buying coffee and dinky comes up, hugs me and says "Y'all gotta help, corndog's leaving 'cuz mom won't make the big D leave."
I tried to call over there and diana said deb's not home (?).
What to do?
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Parche Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 07:32 PM
Response to Original message
1. what to do
Put Corndog on a stick, add mustard, and enjoy.......
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liberalitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 07:36 PM
Response to Reply #1
3. That IS an on going joke we have....
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pacalo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 07:38 PM
Response to Reply #1
5. I just spit out my iced tea on the computer screen.
:hi:
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knowbody0 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 07:34 PM
Response to Original message
2. how far away are you?
also, the friends you keep are a reflection of yourself. Diana and your friend are close enough to share a home. also how old are the kids? it's really a sad story, hopefully your friendship is strong enough for you to be brutally honest with the mom.
good luck, sounds like you really love the kids.
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liberalitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 07:39 PM
Response to Reply #2
6. Corndog is 25 and the twins are 18....
She and diana have been "on again/off again" for 10 years.
Whenever it's "On" it's not healthy.

The kids all have academic scholarships and are trying to go to school.....
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LisaL Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Oct-01-05 11:11 AM
Response to Reply #6
19. Since Corndog is 25, I fail to see why you are worried about
him leaving home. He is a big boy.
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lildreamer316 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 07:37 PM
Response to Original message
4. Truthfully
If you can, offer Corndog a place to stay. If your friend really understands what real friendship is, she will eventually appreciate that. Hope it works out.........
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liberalitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 07:41 PM
Response to Reply #4
7. I left a message on his voice mail....
If he's with his girlfriend he probably won't call until the morning
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Parche Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 07:44 PM
Response to Reply #7
9. Corndog
You will probably have to play ketchup with Corndog
trying to get a hold of him on the phone.
Dont worry, you will relish the time when he does
respond to you.
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liberalitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 07:48 PM
Response to Reply #9
10. he liked 'em w/ honey when he was a kid
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Parche Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 07:51 PM
Response to Reply #10
13. honey
That sounds like a stickier situation, but very sweet.
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Spinzonner Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 07:41 PM
Response to Original message
8. You can't make people do things

unless you get authorities involved.

And I suspect you don't want that complication.

Unless Diana can be convinced to leave or get into recovery - and that seems unlikely - it seems unlikely there's a lot you can do about it.

Are you willing to take Corndog in, at least temporarily, until things sort themselves out so he doesnt disappear and his sisters can keep contact ?
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liberalitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 07:49 PM
Response to Reply #8
11. How about I just go over there with a board with a nail in it?
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Spinzonner Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 07:58 PM
Response to Reply #11
14. Well, being in jail for assault will limit your long-term effectiveness

Or is this some kind of Crucifixion fetish you have in mind ?
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liberalitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Oct-01-05 09:52 AM
Response to Reply #14
17. Neither, BUT it would get the authorities involved!
Edited on Sat Oct-01-05 09:53 AM by liberalitch
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mzteris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 07:50 PM
Response to Original message
12. they're not kids
anymore - 25 especially....

They need to understand that they shouldn't enable mom anymore - move on and get a life - the older bro should help the younger girls - they need to tell her c ya later - hard? yeah. But - she will never ever get better as long as she is enabled. Tough love, baby. That's what she needs.

Help them out - sure - if you can are and willing - but ultimately, they need to know MOM has a PROBLEM and it's not THEIR problem.

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AlCzervik Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 08:03 PM
Response to Original message
15. you can be there for her kids but thats really about all you can do
your friend is obviously getting something from her fucked up relationship with the other woman so be there to talk if she calls but thats about it, the kids know you are there for them You can't solve the problem but i admire you for caring enough to want to, it's also important for the kids to know you can't solve it their problems either
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dalaigh lllama Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 08:03 PM
Response to Original message
16. My very best advice
If your friend's never gone to Alanon, suggest she start. Anyone living with an addict for that length of time is almost certainly becoming a "classic" Alanon type personality. If she works the program, it will save her sanity; and if she becomes healthy, well, that's contagious, too.

In the meantime, you can be a haven of safety and sanity for the twins.

...voice of experience here
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liberalitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Oct-01-05 10:01 AM
Response to Original message
18. Update on twin corndog problem!
Corndog returned my call this morning and said that he and his girlfriend were out looking for a huge pad.
They found a three bedroom duplex (for those of you who know norfolk, va..... in colonial place).
It's closer to the college (ODU) and they all have jobs so the four of them are going to live together.

He said his mom seemed kinda seemed glad that they were going to be left alone.... we can work on THAT later.
The twins' dad.... with whom Corndog also had a good relationship, is paying the deposit.... and probably then some.
He was real mad that they hadn't called weeks ago..... he's a guy who rebuilds old bikes in newark.

So I was really proud that before I could even talk to someone corndog had decided it was a situation that he needed to take charge in..... maybe i should start calling him john..... NAH!
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