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Guava Jelly Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 04:01 AM
Original message
I need relationship advice
Edited on Fri Sep-30-05 04:03 AM by GoPsUx
I have been with the same woman for 17 years.
I thought our relationship was getting better as the years gone by.
We got together young She was a Virgin and i was a hopeless guy who turned any love interest into best friends..I was allways the "special friend " I might as well been gay.
Well we met we found out that we could love each other and we started dating / living together.
We had our ups and downs we argued and had problems but for the last 7 years we have at least i thought been happy.
Niether of us have been with another partner in these laast 17 years.
well heres where it goes amuck.
She breaks down and tells me she loves me but shes not "IN LOVE" with me.
after that painful night she went to her favorite astrologer/ tarot reader.
and they record her sessions and burn a cd for her.
Well I couldnt help myself i was wondering why she fell out of love with me..So i listened
the good news is she cares about me and the stars and cards says we are in it for the long hall.
but she has a guy she has a crush on.I think she may be kind of in love with him.
He is 14 years younger then me and has recently gotten a girlfriend..
from what i hear he is a very active liberal guy and i am sure we would get along great if i didnt know my girl had the hots for him.

well towards the end my lady and the astrologer were talking and she said she doesnt wish to leave me she just likes flirting with this guy.and even wanted to dress nicer around him.He is temp help in her workplace.

Now i know its my fault because i made her feel lonely and I think she is looking for what she cant get from me from this other guy.Who i dont think is interested in her.
But i cant stop thinking about if he was..If he looked in her eyes and she kissed him..she would kiss back turn cold and probably leave me.
What do i do..


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BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 04:08 AM
Response to Original message
1. Find someone who is worthy of your love .
You are not a yo-yo . She can't wind you up and play with you whenever she needs joy . Don't waste your time ...
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Guava Jelly Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 04:10 AM
Response to Reply #1
2. I think she is worthy.
I just think her heart was touched by this guy somehow.
And i think she is having a hardtime with it.
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MrScorpio Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 04:12 AM
Response to Original message
3. Drop her like a hot potato, it's the only way
Harden your heart to her, I know that it's a hard thing to say, but you must do this to protect yourself.

If she had cared enough to put you into that special place in her heart, you wouldn't have these problems.

Time now to find another love that will be caring and true.
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Roland99 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 04:14 AM
Response to Original message
4. Classic, classic case...
In a nutshell, she's lost those "butterflies in the stomach" feelings she may have had for you that usually kicks off a relationship.

Many people think that, after the years have passed, that if they don't have those "butterflies" that they are no longer in love when they should realize that what they have is a lasting, well-founded, solid relationship.

This other person will seek out excitement to get those "butterflies" back and think they've met someone new who will treat them better and excite them. At least until those initial feelings fade away and then they're left with a bit of cognitive dissonance and oftentimes come crawling back begging forgiveness (which usually only works short-term.)

I've experienced this, seen this happen to friends/family, and read about this so many times it's like clockwork.


Another thing, you all met at a very young age before your minds settled in on what you want out of life and where you're headed. Couples can literally grow apart (mentally, emotionally) and this is probably another part of why she feels this way.


But, best of luck to you!
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Guava Jelly Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 04:34 AM
Response to Reply #4
5. does it ever work i wonder?
I am pretty entwined in her family and life and would be hard for her to change that and face her family.
I dont care if she has fantasys i have them also.
but I dont think i can compete with a fantasy
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Roland99 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 09:49 AM
Response to Reply #5
13. You're pretty much out of the loop on this one.
If you push harder and try to "fix" things she's likely to distance herself further.

You could be in for a bit of back-and-forth for a while, too. One person tries to rekindle things while the other mostly ignores it and remains somewhat distant. Then, that first person gets tired of trying and start distancing themselves and then the partner fears a breakup and starts coming back but those feelings aren't returned. This goes back and forth until the relationship eventually cracks under the pressure.

I may be 100% wrong on this and am going out on a limb but it seems like you all are in some comfort zones and fear breaking up as that means living along, something neither of you have likely done much of throughout your adult lives...at least not for the last 17 years.
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Nicholas D Wolfwood Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 08:36 AM
Response to Reply #4
11. Very well said.
It's also a hallmark of someone doesn't yet know what an adult relationship is supposed to be. Which, of course, is part of why the begging for forgiveness thing only works short term. The other part is the loss of trust the original rift causes.
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Guava Jelly Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 04:47 AM
Response to Original message
6. anyother thoughts
has anyone else been through this?
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Binka Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 04:55 AM
Response to Reply #6
7. Break Up & See What Happens In A Few Months
You need to split from her NOW. Close ties to family etc be damned. You need some answers from HER. Time away from each other will help her sort it out. And YOU too.

You will never know if you don't make some changes. Don't let it go on for another X amount of years only to realize you should have done something back then....WHICH IS NOW!
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Nikia Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 08:28 AM
Response to Original message
8. I don't think that you should necessarily break it off
At this point, the guy is a crush, who she happens to come into contact with on a regular basis. You said that he recently began seeing someone besides your girlfriend. He might not have any love interest in your girlfriend and not be a threat on his end of things.
What did your girlfriend hope to accomplish by telling you this? If she really was hoping to have an affair with this guy or eventually leave you for him, it wouldn't have been very smart to tell you about this. Is she willing to evaluate how she acts around this guy and not be so flirty? Is she willing on working to change her willful thoughts?
I don't think that your case is that unusual. I think that many people develop crushes on others when they have been with someone for a long time, especially if they got together when they were relatively young and didn't have much dating/relationship experience. I think that most people just try to hide them from their partner.
What does she want from you that she isn't getting? Is it something that you could improve on? Is it something that she could get from developing outside interests or having friends who she doesn't have a crush on?
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WCGreen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 08:36 AM
Response to Reply #8
10. What she said....
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Shell Beau Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 08:36 AM
Response to Original message
9. If she is willing, maybe counseling would help.
Maybe you could get to the root of what y'alls issues are. I think it is normal for relationships to go through times like these. But it is how you respond that matters. If she is worth saving, then do what you can. But know that it is not all of your fault. Don't blame yourself. There are 2 people in this relationship. The good news is that she is being honest with you. I think counseling would really benefit you two.
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Az Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 08:37 AM
Response to Original message
12. She sounds like someone looking for magic
Love is not about magic. Its not about fate. There is work involved in love. And it sounds like she has bought into the fairy tail version of love.

I don't know you or her well enough to advise you as to what course to take. But I know that if she doesn't wake from her fantasy and see what she has in front of her she will lose big. She will go through the rest of her life without real love or the fantasy love she is pining for.

For what its worth I suspect/hope it will pass.
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Shine Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 10:32 AM
Response to Original message
14. I think it would be worthwhile to consider couples counseling...
with a skilled therapist, you can each feel safe enough to speak your concerns and address the deeper issues you are facing.

17 yrs represents a lot of emotional investment over time. It would be a shame to throw it all away without trying to save this relationship. Hopefully, your partner is willing to consider this alternative.

Good luck. I wish you all the best.

:hug:
~Shine
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Elidor Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 10:38 AM
Response to Original message
15. If you've made it this far, it's worth more work to make it right again
I wouldn't give up easily. Work for it.
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Divameow77 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 10:46 AM
Response to Original message
16. Does she know you listened to her session?
I didn't want to bring this up but, it sounds like you invaded her privacy on this one.
Just because she likes to flirt with a guy doesn't mean she would ever act on it, do you trust her?
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Guava Jelly Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 03:37 PM
Response to Reply #16
20. I trusted her unquestionably for 17 years
When someone you love out of nowhere tells you she's not in love with you..I just believe that her love may be reserved for someone else.
I know it is wrong..But desperation is a tough cookie to beat
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pdx_prog Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 11:47 AM
Response to Original message
17. she obviously cares for you
but there is something missing. We all have our own love language and if we don't get what we need we dry up. People's love language differs from person to person....it's not hard to figure out what it is.

You need to find what it is that she needs that she's not getting from you and give it to her. Go to a counselor, buy a book....anything. Beverly DeAngelas (sp?) has a book called "What women want men to know" that is very good. That is a good start. Show her you are willing to correct what ever is wrong and she will not want to look to someone else. Give a woman what she needs and she will love you forever... :)
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LisaM Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 11:56 AM
Response to Original message
18. Weather it - it will pass
that's how I see it. Everyone gets tossed out of their comfort zone in relationships sometime. I have also been in a relationship for about that length of time (18 years) and am more in love than ever - but it's not always exciting. Maybe you need to romance her a little bit - are you just running on auto-pilot? If you really care about the relationship, I think she'll stick around - I think she's dropping some pretty broad hints that she just wants to ratchet up the romance a little bit. Don't throw away 17 years because she has a little crush on someone, because crushes don't last. Heck, at least she is being honest with you.
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Guava Jelly Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 03:34 PM
Response to Reply #18
19. She doesnt know i listened to the cd
But i believe you are right..
I have been on auto pilot i was comfortable..
I dont want to throw this away...
I will try ..No i will change and if she doesnt want me then thier is a good chance it may be over..
I dont want to be alone ..Loose my apartment my Cats..My life as i know it.
You know i been seeking advice on this but let me give some...
Dont get comfortable...no matter how much someone says they love you.
It just takes one smile from a stranger to make her change and fall out of love.
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LisaM Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 04:02 PM
Response to Reply #19
21. Don't CHANGE --- just pay a little more attention
believe me, we all get our little crushes from time to time, and they vanish pretty quickly. Just shows her blood is still moving - now show her that yours is, too!
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skygazer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 04:16 PM
Response to Original message
22. She's probably realizing that she never got to shop around
Face it, though there are people who have long and satisfying relationships that they went into as a virgin, at a certain point, almost all of them start thinking about what they may have missed out on. It doesn't necessarily mean they're unhappy, or that they're going to act on it but it tends to show up nonetheless. You look at others around you who had several adult relationships before settling down and you feel like maybe you settled too quickly. You start to question things. Throw in the fact that you've probably settled into a kind of routine relationship and add an exciting, attractive co-worker and you've got a recipe for potential disaster.

I know absolutely nothing about how you are together but I think you may be wrong when you blame yourself. If you could possibly talk her into trying counseling, that could help her see what her motivations and desires really are. I bet she doesn't really know. 17 years is a lot of time to throw away over a pretty face.

Good luck. :hug:
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gmoney Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-30-05 04:23 PM
Response to Original message
23. Maybe it's just a cry for attention...
Everyone likes to get attention from attractive people, especially of their compatible sex. I'm guessing this guy is also substantially younger than she is? Then it's probably not too likely that he's actually interested in her sexually/romantically. He may just be a charming guy who uses his charm and looks to manipulate coworkers in various ways. (Men and women are equally capable of doing this.)

Take this as your signal to step up your game some, add some real excitement and romance to your mix with her. She may be especially receptive to it now, since apparently her mind is on romance at the moment, and this guy has her all revved up.

Someone once said "I don't care where she gets her appetite, as long as she eats at home" or words to that effect. Apparently she has NOT acted on it yet, beyond maybe some flirting and paying more attention to her appearance... who's to say that YOU can't notice how nice she looks, rev up your engine, and give her a memorable night, or week, or 17 years?

DON'T give up just yet, despite what some folks on this thread are saying. She doesn't want to leave you, but she wants some excitement. Find a way to give it to her that will strengthen the bond between you, and she'll soon turn her back on this other guy.

When was the last time you took a romantic vacation? Even a weekend car trip to a bed-and-breakfast, or camping trip if you're into that, or a drive in the country for the turning of the leaves could do wonders for you both. Get a little creative... it probably just takes some thought and a little effort on your part to turn her head back your way.

The "nice guy" in you wants to give up, decide you really aren't worthy of her after 17 years, and you want her to do what makes her happy... that's "victim thinking" and sitting wounded in the corner hoping she'll notice your pain is NOT a game plan. You should try SOMETHING -- it's always better than doing nothing. Even if you try and fail miserably, she should at least appreciate the effort.

I sent a PM with a book recommendation -- look into it.
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