What do you do when you have a CHILD who is a racist?

[Radio_Lady]

I won't go into the gory details, but one of my children registered our granddaughter in an out-of-district school (Son-in-law has to drive her to school, and daughter has to pick up every day!). It's an incredible situation, just to come and go. And of course all her friends are from another district.

Why? Because the in-district school is about 1/2 Hispanic. There are even children who are just learning English. WONDERFUL! I see this as an opportunity for her kids to learn Spanish, and get to know people of another culture.

Forget it. This is granddaughter's second year in the pretty much all lily-white (and some Asian) elementary school. They do have a black principal (token, I'm sure).

Background: I'm a full fledged liberal, radio broadcaster for years, a 66 year old female who broke lots of barriers both racial and gender to get where I got during my work and personal life. Irony is: My daughter had a black godfather -- a well known celebrity we were friendly with when she was born. Regrettably, he died very young.

How do I get to the "puking smiley"?

[evlbstrd]

1. Your child needs a spanking.

[Radio_Lady]

2. Um-m-m. Did I mention that she'll be 37 years old on Oct. 9th?

I didn't even spank her when she was young.

Is this sarcasm?

[tainowarrior]

5. that's probably the problem there ... /sarcasm

I was spanked, but, I kinda wear it as a badge of honor. My dad made sure I came out to be an honorable man...well, semi-honorful. I got my moments of falling into temptation

[Radio_Lady]

16. I was spanked, too -- beaten with a belt by my father. I was a

sexual rebel and dated a boy who my parents didn't think was "good enough" for me.

I did spank my daughter and son -- just once that I recall. I didn't like the fact that I was out of control and agitated. I don't think I ever hit them again.

[evlbstrd]

8. There was a smattering of sarcasm there.

Spanking didn't kill me.

[Radio_Lady]

17. Spanking doesn't kill, but what does it cure? It just teaches violence

to both parent and child.

In general, I guess I'm pretty much against it.

[SeattleGirl]

29. Think I spanked my daughter once

Never did it again -- made me feel like crap. Instead, I had to find other ways to discipline her.

By the way, Radio_Lady, did you ever do your show on the homeless? This was a month or so ago that we were posting to you about this. If so, how did it go?

[evlbstrd]

41. It's a very touchy issue.

I was spanked, and I'm not violent.

[HEyHEY]

3. Have him apply to work a FEMA

[Radio_Lady]

18. Not sure what you mean. Daughter and granddaughter are not

available to work at FEMA. My granddaughter is seven years old. Besides, we're not in a place where FEMA is active. Thanks anyway...

[tainowarrior]

4. I'd talk to him/her straight

but in a quiet, respectful tone.

maybe it's not the racism he/she feels, maybe it's a fear that because the school's population is mostly Hispanic, the state is not going to provide the funds necesary for the school to be a good one.

My parents took to me to live in an affluent town so my brother and I could have a good education. They could have moved to two nearby towns with majority Puerto Rican populations, but felt the schools there would be worse off (they were right).

Are my parents racist? Nah. Not a racist bone in their bodies. But, they felt it was more important to have their children in better schools.

[Radio_Lady]

20. My daughter is convinced it's a better school. The reasons she

mentions is that it's in a neighborhood with single family homes, not apartments. It's also not on a busy street. Also, the town decided to make the assigned school into K through 8th Grade. Now she says she doesn't want her seven year old to go to school with older kids.

The buildings are equivalent -- both built in the 60s. We live in another part of town within walking distance of a brand-new school. However, our grandddaughter does not live with us.

Most of the problem is the transportation issue. I envision a couple of tired-out parents who have to rely on themselves to get (eventually) two kids to school every day of the week. Maddening!

[AlCzervik]

6. Is it her or is this coming from her husband?

[Radio_Lady]

21. It's really coming from my daughter. My son-in-law sounded as if

he would be happy to not have to drive the kids to school every day. By the way, my grandson is going to a private pre-school with children of ONLY his religion. That's a whole other story.

[DanCa]

7. Hmm 37 is kinda late imo I caught my nine year old niece acting racist

toward muslims and I had to set her straight. She goes to a write ringer christian school and saw a muslim walkig down the street and went into a tirade I explainned calmly and rationaly that Jesus is from the middle east and love thy neighbor means you have to love everyone without exception. I also pointed out that it was the afghans who attacked us on nine eleven.
THan she asked me if her mom was lying. I said not lying per see but I think she's misinformed. Ill discuss it with her but your too young to understand. Tell your mom to call me and were talk about it on the phone.
That was pretty much the extent of the convo. I havent heard from my sister yet.I dont believe the right wingers . Poisoning the mind of nine year olds. Uck.

[I Have A Dream]

11. Good for you, DanCa. It's important at that age to get it straightened...

out in children's minds.

I have just one issue with what you said though. It wasn't really Afghans who attacked the US on 9/11. Almost all of the people were from Saudi Arabia. As you're probably aware, the issue with Afghanistan was that the Taliban in Afghanistan was harboring Osama bin Laden and other members of Al Qaeda. Also, Al Qaeda had training camps in Afghanistan. However, Afghanistan itself didn't attack us.

Again, good going with your niece!

[DanCa]

33. Thank you all

And thanks for clearring up and the Saudis Afghan feedback. I was really shocked by whatshe said. I mean this kid has so much love in heer heart for everyone I hate to see it corrupted by some freepers on the play ground. Also I hope I didn't overstep my bounds as I am just her uncle and not her parent. Thanks again.

[I Have A Dream]

35. I don't think that you overstepped your bounds.

I think that you did what your heart told you to do in reference to a child that you love. She's lucky to have someone like you in her life.

[miss_kitty]

12. It was actually mostly Saudis

Not an Afghani in the group. It does't matter who flew those planes. they were individuals.

Afghanistan was probably attacked because the Taliban were not allowing an oil pipeline to be built through Afghanistan (talks broke off a few weeks before we 'preemptively' attacked them).

Check out the Samaritan story in the bible.

[Radio_Lady]

22. My granddaughter is finally going to school with children of other

religions. Until she was through going to a private kindergarten, and entered public school last year, she did not have any Christian friends. She didn't know anything about Christmas or Easter. I would take her to the Unitarian fellowship periodically, so she did see people of other races and faiths.

[SeattleGirl]

30. My youngest sister used the "N word" when she was about 10

I was shocked to hear her say it, so I sat her down and explained to her what the word meant, and why it should never be used. At that age, I can't say she was a racist, but she told me she heard it from a kid at school. She said she was sorry she used it. I told her just to remember what I had told her. The next day, she came home from school and told me she had told the kid at school what the word meant. He had apparently heard a parent use it, but hopefully, what I told my sister that she passed on to him had a positive impact.

[ismnotwasm]

9. It's a form of what used to be called white flight--remember?

Whites left the cities in droves so their kids didn't have to go to school with "them" Joke ended up being on quite a few of them once they got stuck in suburbia with out-of-control kids anyway and gridlock everyday, all the while inner city houses prices starting rising, and rising and rising...Until they were out of reach. They built more and more suburbia, blighting beautuful areas with huge 3 car garage monstrosities in the middle of nowhere, creating flood areas where none exsisted before--bought what became to be called SUV's to hall those kids around in--
What do you do? I have no idea. But I betcha you're a great grandma who will think of something! She'll get older and question and wonder, and well, you'll be able to give an answer or two without rocking the boat. Give a history book or so (easy read) when the time is appropriate. Maybe you can tell her about the beautiful celebrations other cultures have, like the one for a 15 year old hispanic girl. (I was going to say send Christmas cards with black people on them, but you'd get in trouble probably.)

[Radio_Lady]

23. Well, this daughter grew up in a small Vermont town with a very

small population. She was in the custody of my ex-husband from age 11 to age 18. What happened was she went to Israel for a year of college and came home with a very restricted Jewish theology. I think she was really off the wall, but she's gotten a little better. So I have to play it as it lays.

[knowbody0]

10. i raised my two little "white" boys

on an Indian reservation. they learned early on the other end of racism, which i credit as one of the greatest influences of their childhood. your daughter's child is missing valuable cultural education by running from her own district. i see your puking smile..

[Radio_Lady]

24. Thanks for your input, knowbody0. Were they ostracized because

they were white? Interesting response here.

[knowbody0]

34. we lived in a beach community

(leased land) elementary school approx 70% Indian. separation was first noticed when they went into "town" for junior high school, but it was there they learned how non whites are ostracized. they are grown men now - 28 and 30. their sister is Indian, and i adopted three Hispanic siblings 10 years ago. with my red headed grandson we are a boquet of races.

[sniffa]

13. OMG!!

the daughter is going to schooL with asians!? *faint*

they're not good racists.

[Radio_Lady]

25. I think there are several half-Japanese and Chinese children.

But most of the faces I see are white when I pick her up on Fridays.

[bobbieinok]

14. bro + wife told best schools in Houston...'few or no blacks'

[Radio_Lady]

26. The black population in Portland, Oregon is concentrated in the

NE section. We live across a river and about 13 miles west, in a fairly affluent town.

So, if you see people of other races or nationalities, they are usually Hispanic (from Mexico and other places), Korean, Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, or a mixture of races.

[Lars39]

15. This is happening with one of my SILs, also.

They also live in a 99.99% white neighborhood. The excuse she gives is that she doesn't feel that her kids should be dragged down because of the other kids. All this was said with a genteel smile and ladylike accent and pose.

[Radio_Lady]

27. You know what? This child is being evaluated for reading slowly.

Now that she is a second grader, I wonder if the religious training in pre-school and kindergarten "replaced" what I would consider really active learning of the alphabet, reading readiness, numbers in a non-religious atmosphere.

But that's just a Grandma's opinion. We'll see what happens with my grandson, still in the little religious school.

Very frustrating, but, as my daughter says, "You raised your kids, now let me raise mine!"

Hey, no problem...

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

19. Why did she buy or move to a latino neighborhood if she is

so uncomfortable around them?

I don't know what to tell you except to avoid expressing any approval when she makes bigoted comments and do all you can to have her see she is demonizing people and actually DEHUMANIZING them simply for their ethnicity.

[Radio_Lady]

28. She bought the house because it was in a neighborhood that she

likes. She did not have children then and probably didn't realize that the elementary school district included a lot of apartment buildings where many of the Hispanic children live with their parents.

If you ask her, she would not admit she is racist. Does anyone ever admit it? But I think she is.

Hey, I've thought about it a lot and maybe I'M wrong.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

31. I think people can be prejudiced and not be racist

Racism is a belief that one race is superior to another. Prejudice is mostly born of fear or ignorance. It's possible that if you engage her a bit without letting on that you feel it's racism, you can get to the bottom of whatever myths she believes about latinos.

It also goes without saying that the school she takes her kid to way across town probably has more funding because of the local tax base, thereby making it a better school.

[driver8]

32. I grew up on Guam and was one of the few "Howlies" in my class.

I thought it was kind of cool.

I would love for my daughter and son to have a chance to learn Spanish like that. What an opportunity.

[kwassa]

37. Haolies

[La Lioness Priyanka]

36. cry, i suppose...what else can you do?

[kwassa]

38. It might be class-ism rather than racism

It sounds like it in your description of apartments vs. single family homes.

[Gormy Cuss]

40. and speaking of classist

NOTE: This is a generic comment on the use of language and not meant as a criticism of you, kwassa.

Calling single family properties "homes" vs. apartments is classist. Apartments are homes too. Homes are where people live. Single family dwellings are houses, or condos or townhouses etc. The real estate industry switched to 'home' as the marketing language and it's become pervasive. It's one of those subtle uses of language that changes perception --the implication being that people who rent don't establish homes, only people who own their dwellings do so.

[Lilyhoney]

39. My mother is a racist and it breaks my heart.

[Radio_Lady]

42. Sorry to hear that, Lilyhoney. My parents were liberals, but I was a

sexual revolutionary, so we fought over that.

I try to accept my daughter with her flaws, as she graciously accepts mine.

At least we know they are Democrats, just the religious issue is one that we trip over occasionally.

That's not so bad --

In peace,

Radio Lady

[skygazer]

43. Let me know if you figure it out

My daughter is not, as far as I know, a racist but she is a Republican. Oh, the shame! How I could raise a kid to be a Republican is beyond me. Frankly, I blame her husband - he's a Kansas right winger all the way and I really think he influences her. Add to that the fact that she harbors some resentments against me and it acts as sort of a form of rebellion as well.

I'm not sure what you can do. We raise 'em up and turn 'em loose and that's about all we can do, really.

[crispini]

44. If she's arguing that it is for a better school...

there are objective criteria that you can evaluate a school by -- how many of the kids graduate, what are their test scores, teacher to student ratio, etc. I'm sure somebody who has kids will know more about this than I do.

Anyway, it might be useful for you to "debunk" this idea that it's a "better" school and then she'll have to face up to what she's doing / saying.