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malta blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 10:49 AM
Original message
New to the lounge but PLEASE HELP - I need ex spouse advice
My ex and I have been apart for 4 years. We have a 6 year old daughter. My mom lives in the Dominican Republic, and I would like to take my little one to visit. I advised him of my intentions, waited three or four days, received no reponse and bought the tickets.

The law states that I need him to either go with me, or sign an affadavit to renew her passport. Now he says he won't give me permission to take her out of the country and will not renew her passport.

Any suggestions?
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OneGrassRoot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 10:53 AM
Response to Original message
1. Oh man..........
every state is probably different.

The same thing happened with my ex. I ended up paying $500 to get an attorney to draw up "official" letter stating that he has no legal grounds to refuse granting permission for the child to travel and that I had grounds to take him to court over it, and would ask for all legal costs to be reimbursed.

He had the necessary paperwork to me pronto....but still.....it cost me $500 just to show him I was serious and wouldn't back down. He didn't think I would do that.

Unless there is a reason for the courts to feel you're a flight risk with your child, he has no legal grounds to refuse, though you do have to have his permission to take her out of the country.

Good luck.....that was a miserable time......*sighs*
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malta blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 10:58 AM
Response to Reply #1
3. I spoke to my atty
and he told me that since she would be missing one day of school, the judge would side with him. It will cost me over $1,000 to change the tickets. Plus, the little one is on the advanced side (reads at 4th grade level in 1st) so missing one day of school isn't really that detrimental, is it. I have to have his permission to travel out of the country with her, but since I have taken her to Canada every year at new years (which is when we are going), I suppose I didn't think that it would be an issue.

My dad is trying to call the ex's parents to see if he can convince them on the whole grandparent thing.

I am surely not a flight risk. I have a mortgage, pets and a job (I am sure some people who have all these things may be flight risks, but I am not one of them).
*Sigh* is right!
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nini Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 10:56 AM
Response to Original message
2. get a lawyer
..
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malta blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 10:59 AM
Response to Reply #2
4. got one...trying to avoif paying him $300 an hour though
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OneGrassRoot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:03 AM
Response to Reply #4
5. Sad to say.........
if he's being a total dickhead, you probably can't avoid getting an attorney. Unless you tell him you've looked into it, the law is on your side, and if he forces you to get an attorney, you'll ask for it to go to court and have your legal charges reimbursed.

That was probably horrible legalese....but my point is to call his bluff....but it will take you getting an attorney. Just let him know that if he is pushing you this far, you are willing to take it even further. I was.....I was willing to fight for full custody if he was going to interfere with reasonable requests such as this. That scared him.
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malta blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:06 AM
Response to Reply #5
6. My lawyer has said that I will win in court if I change my tickets
so that she does not miss school. It will cost me $1k to do that, but I will do it if I have to. I am willing to fight him in court, we have already done it. I had to take him to court just to get him to sign the stupid papers for the separation and divorce. Alas, I was hoping to avoid the expenditures...it was hard enough to save up the cash for the trip in the first place.

thanks for your ideas.
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LoZoccolo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:10 AM
Response to Reply #6
7. I guess another lesson in all of this, that I've seen in other places...
...is that it might require having a pile of disposable cash around to prevent people from fucking with you. You never know when you'll need a lawyer to pull you out of something or just generally need to throw some money at something.
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malta blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:11 AM
Response to Reply #7
8. Easier said than done, especially on the single parent income
but very sound advice. Thanks
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LoZoccolo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:15 AM
Response to Reply #8
10. Really more advice for myself...
...as I've been thinking about things a lot like this, and finding that I could get screwed if this or that happens to me.
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OneGrassRoot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:12 AM
Response to Reply #6
9. My last word.....*S*
You might want to consider filing for full custody. If he is interfering this much in your life, when you are making reasonable requests and have the law on your side, you might want to go ahead and file for the whole enchilada rather than him draining you financially and emotionally over and over again by pulling these stunts.

In a way, I was hoping her dad wouldn't have backed down regarding doing the paperwork to get her passport, 'cause I would have liked to have filed for full custody.

Best of luck to you. Truly. I feel for you....and your daughter...... :hug:
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malta blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:15 AM
Response to Reply #9
11. Thanks
I was hoping DUers would have some magic trick or something, but everything I have heard is just the hard truth. In a way, I am glad there were no crazy ideas. I know what it is I have to do. I just really wanted to avoid having to put my little one on a witness stand and all the crap involved in filing for full custody.

Thank you
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BikeWriter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:18 AM
Response to Reply #9
12. This sounds like my step-Kids, who call me Daddy and the other guy...
Edited on Wed Sep-28-05 11:18 AM by BikeWriter
their sperm donor. :(
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malta blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:20 AM
Response to Reply #12
13. Unfortunately
He is a really good father insomuch as he sees her every other day, as well as every other weekend. He calls her every day that she is not with him. He plays with her, they go camping. He is just an asshole if it is something I want. I suppose I was hoping the bitterness would wear off, but it was just wishful thinking.
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BikeWriter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:28 AM
Response to Reply #13
16. Thank goodness he is being a Daddy then...
It's a shame he can't see you would never deprive her of their relationship.
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malta blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:30 AM
Response to Reply #16
17. True, and I would never stand in the way
of her spending time with his family. I let them take her to Mexico, even though they are a bunch of drunks (functional alcoholics - main reason for collapse of marriage). I let her go. I didn't even think twice about it. She deserves to travel and see as much of the world as she can. Ugh - what a jerk!
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BikeWriter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:42 AM
Response to Reply #17
20. That's damned unfortunate. :-(
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SoCalDem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:46 AM
Response to Reply #13
21. Has she asked him why she cannot go see her Grandma?
Edited on Wed Sep-28-05 11:48 AM by SoCalDem
Perhaps SHE is the one who needs to tell him she WANTS to go see her Grandma..

Child custody issues are the pits :(
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malta blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:49 AM
Response to Reply #21
22. I am going to put it in his lap to tell her that she can't go
see her Nanny. My mom was her care giver for the first two years of her life, while we were working. She moved to the DR to get away from the cold. I AM going to make him tell her why.
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hfojvt Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:25 AM
Response to Original message
14. since you mentioned no father or aunts and uncles
in the future, it might be easier and cheaper to just mail your mom a ticket. Of course, if the passport issue is resolved then you should not have the same trouble for a while.
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malta blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:28 AM
Response to Reply #14
15. good idea
although we all deserve to have a vacation, and when you live in the frozen tundra that is upstate NY, a week in the caribbean in the middle of the winter is a little piece of heaven.

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Lilyhoney Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:31 AM
Response to Original message
18. Ever tried a
mediator? They help the two parties try to resolve issues. A google search might reveal a program in your area.
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malta blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:32 AM
Response to Reply #18
19. We tried one right after we separated
although it wasn't really helpful. He is much more interested in fighting though his lawyer. Great idea though.
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Lilyhoney Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 01:41 PM
Response to Reply #19
34. Good luck.
:hi:
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Heidi Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:56 AM
Response to Original message
23. DUers in general are unqualified to give legal advice.
Edited on Wed Sep-28-05 11:56 AM by Heidi
You need to talk with an attorney, and the advice given by an attorney could save you a great deal of heartache, anxiety and future legal expenses. Please call an attorney or Legal Aid in your state. Your profile is disabled, so I can't look up that information for you. Don't take chances, please, with your child's future or your own. :hug:

(Edited to add: No, I'm _not_ an attorney, nor do I work for any attorneys. But I've taken the advice of attorneys in the past with very good results.)
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malta blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 11:59 AM
Response to Reply #23
24. Thanks. I have an attorney.
I was trying to avoid the $300/hour fee. I have already put in a call. Thanks heidi. I really appreciate it.
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Heidi Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 12:01 PM
Response to Reply #24
26. In that case, I'll send you some good vibes and burn some
incense for the peaceful resolution of this situation for you and your little one. You have friends here, malta blue. :hug:
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malta blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 12:04 PM
Response to Reply #26
28. Thanks Heidi
I will try and gather some of those good vibes you are sending. Although, my spirits are lifting with the DeLay indictment.
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khashka Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 12:03 PM
Response to Reply #23
27. Good advice as always Heidi.
However we are qualified to give compassion :)


Khash.
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Heidi Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 12:39 PM
Response to Reply #27
31. And hugs.
:hug: to you, my friend.
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khashka Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 12:01 PM
Response to Original message
25. It's fucked.... but at this point
you might have to take it to court or at least let your atty do the negotiating.

As a compromise.... could you cash in the tickets and bring your Mom to stay with you? Not the same thing I know, but it might be the easiest solution. Just an idea.


You and your ex obviously have issues that won't be resolved quickly.... but your little one needs her grandmother.


Khash.
(Not much help, I know...)
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NV Whino Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 12:07 PM
Response to Original message
29. I would contact the airline
and plead extenuating circumstances. With tickets that far in advance (New Years), I would think they might bend a little.
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malta blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 12:11 PM
Response to Reply #29
30. I bought the tix online and when i called the website
they told me I would have to pay between 800-1000 to change the tix. Maybe a direct plea with the airline would be better. Good idea.
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NV Whino Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 12:57 PM
Response to Reply #30
32. Worth a try
The online guys can be real hard asses.
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malta blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-28-05 01:00 PM
Response to Reply #32
33. True,
again, I really appreciate all the input I have received.
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