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I've been pretending to be strong, but I am seriously troubled.

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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:18 PM
Original message
I've been pretending to be strong, but I am seriously troubled.
:cry: I managed my life fairly well until I saw that young man in my local "Mom-n-Pop" shop,...half his handsome face missing,...recently returned home from Iraq. I've had nightmares every goshdamned day of my brother's face interposed on that young, beautiful, armless Iraq War veteran.

I am so overwhelmed by the absolute callousness of the right-wing machine that I imagine/dream of beating the living shit out of them: very disturbing for me since I have been a life-long advocate of nonviolent solutions.

When I saw that handsome young Iraq War Veteran, I started drinking,...a LOT. I've been drinking myself away from these disturbing, heart-breaking, soul-destroying human activities conducted by a few totally fucked-up, self-servingly shallow, human barbarians. :cry: I am drinking to escape the destructive injustice being unleashed by our governance and our media,...and, I'm afraid I am drinking myself to death.

I thought I was strong,...kept trying to be strong,...but, this shit is simply overwhelming. I'm no longer being strong. I'm being tortured by my own sense of humanity.

I need help.
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Child_Of_Isis Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:22 PM
Response to Original message
1. "I'm being tortured by my own sense of humanity."
Beautiful sentence there. And I have always felt this to be my problem also. I am sorry that you hurt. Truly I am. But, you are not alone.
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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:27 PM
Response to Reply #1
9. I really need to find a effective way of spending that,...
,...sense of humanity.
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Child_Of_Isis Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:29 PM
Response to Reply #9
12. Same here.
Because it is killing me. But, I can't seem to go "out there". Those people are nuts!
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alarcojon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:22 PM
Response to Original message
2. We're all there with you in your anger
Please plug into any support network you can find. Being strong doesn't mean you can't also cry and worry - these asshats have really fucked up the world.

Please don't drink yourself into a stupor - we need you to keep fighting for our country back, along with the rest of us.
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liberalnurse Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:22 PM
Response to Original message
3. You are drinking because you
might be a drunk. Try an AA meeting....they should be able to explain things to ya. How long have you been on this binge?

I can see getting a buzz one night out of the blue but to focus on this war as the cause of your drinking is probably not a honest assessment.
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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:30 PM
Response to Reply #3
13. Your assessment,...
,...is simply too quick to be helpful. But, hey, you have the power to voice your opinion without regard to impact upon others.

Thanks for taking advantage of your power.
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liberalnurse Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:35 PM
Response to Reply #13
15. Now don't go and drink again on account of my assessment.
Go seek help. I see no reason to be coy...this is serious. Some people consider it a wake-up call. You are the one with the choice and power.....not me.
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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:44 PM
Response to Reply #15
17. Yes. I know this is serious!
Damnit! :cry: Otherwise, I wouldn't risk reaching out,...for help,...which I am just too goshdamn proud and strong and independent and, frankly, distrusting to do.

Just, please, don't shit on me, right now. 'Kay :cry:
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pitohui Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 08:32 PM
Response to Reply #17
30. listen to liberalnurse she isn't shitting on you
this might be the most important message you read on du this week or this month or this yr

it would be easy to shrug & walk away after spouting some easy b.s.

more difficult to be honest
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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 08:47 PM
Response to Reply #30
32. Have you any idea what courage is required for me to ASK FOR HELP?
Edited on Mon Aug-15-05 08:48 PM by Just Me
I don't go around shouting "some easy b.s." EVER,...in my life.

I find it repulsive that you would suggest,... :puke:

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liberalnurse Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 09:53 PM
Response to Reply #32
35. So, you are actually comfortable in your misery....
Apparently, this is just a way you attempt to validate your behavior by using us here on the board to whine. It gives you another false rationale to drink. From your posts, I assume you already used up your local friends and family members.

Okay, we got it now. If you really wanted help, you would of called AA.
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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 10:14 PM
Response to Reply #35
36. "Comfortable",...why are you being so "cold"?
:cry: You believe that I am so "comfortable" in my misery that I would share it? You don't know me,...at all!!! Apparently, you don't WANT to know me,...AT ALL!!!

I'll be sure to exclude you from my "support" list.
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liberalnurse Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 10:29 PM
Response to Reply #36
37. I'd love for you to get help.
You are very critical of the direct support you have received. Your replies have been a tid-bit hostile which leads me to my conclusion. You ask for help then shoot the messengers if they don't feed your mood.

Just an observation with honest feedback.
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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 10:39 PM
Response to Reply #37
38. Okay, please point out my hostility,...
,...because I am perfectly prepared to face myself. Just, post a mirror-reflection of "Just Me" so I can examine it. I'm not afraid of it and am perfectly prepared to look at that.
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NNadir Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Aug-16-05 12:26 AM
Response to Reply #3
44. That was pretty much my first thought too.
Nothing "makes" you drink.

I've lived with two alcoholics in my life time. When they were drinking it was usually blamed on something external.

The fault wasn't external.
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mcscajun Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:22 PM
Response to Original message
4. Reaching out was the most important and best thing you did today.
You cannot, you must not, deal with this alone.

Reach out to a real life friend, someone in the family, or this:
http://www.aa-intergroup.org/directories/email_english....

There's a meeting somewhere for you.

Hang in there.

:hug:
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Tandalayo_Scheisskopf Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:25 PM
Response to Reply #4
6. I agree 100%.
I also suggest that you consult with a psychologist, pronto. You may not be a full-fledged alcoholic(or you may...), but you may be self-medicating with alcohol to deal with the trauma. Let the psychologist and the psychiatrist take a look. They have the training and the objectivity.
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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:40 PM
Response to Reply #6
16. Of course, I've consulted and been tested,...
,...and have been confirmed as simply a human being enduring a LOT of stress. Unfortunately, I am highly sensitive to medications that usually relieve most folks from such distress. Psychotropic drugs have brought about hives and, literally, reactions that made my body puff up like a balloon (*LOL* I remember looking in the mirror and saying, "Wow,...so that's what full lips FEEL like! *LOL).
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Sanity Claws Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 08:13 PM
Response to Reply #16
23. Try a naturopathic doctor
I'm also very sensitive to medications and try to avoid them. I suggest you try a naturopathic doctor who relies on herbs and food supplements, like vitamins and amino acids.
You sound depressed and anxious. It also sounds like you're self-medicating with the alcohol.
We can encourage you here but you need to do much more than we on the board can do for you. Please go to an AA meeting tonight, so you don't drink anymore. Look in your phone book for the closest meeting.
Then go through your phone book for naturopathic doctors and see if someone can help you.

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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 08:29 PM
Response to Reply #23
28. Thank you.
:hug: I've been through the 12 steps; actually studied the statistical results as a masters student of psychology *LOL*.

My "feelings" are normal. Combatting the EXPLOITATIVE FUCKERS who inflict this shit on all of us,...is the challenge.
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Technowitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:23 PM
Response to Original message
5. Talking to us here on DU is good... talking with someone there--
--in person, would be better. A friend, a family member, a therapist, a minister or spiritual guide.

It might also be worth considering going to a meeting. You know the kind I mean. These days, there aren't just the Friends of Bill, but a lot of other groups who can help when one's drinking has gotten out of hand. I seriously urge this. Recognizing there's a problem is a big step -- and more than most manage. Take it the next step further and get help.

The main thing is to reach out to your fellow humans, so that you can re-learn that life really isn't just awfulness and terror and pain. Focus on the light, and deny the shadows' power over you.

I wish you the best.

-Technowitch
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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:51 PM
Response to Reply #5
18. I want to,...
,...but, I cannot get past "their" expectations and disappointments and illusions. What do you do with that? :shrug:
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Technowitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 11:43 PM
Response to Reply #18
40. By starting with the admission, "I can't do this by myself"
And from there proceding to learn that you don't have to. That there is help, if only we reach a little for it.

But we have to take that very first step. Trust me though, it gets easier from there.

best,
-Technowitch
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Shoeempress Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:25 PM
Response to Original message
7. Don't worry so much about thoughts of violence because everyone has them
me especially. It's carrying them out that is the problem.
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jody Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:26 PM
Response to Original message
8. You have the makings of an outstanding LTTE. Write and rewrite
your note until you have it down to about 150 words. Then submit it to the largest papers in your area.

You can have a real impact on others who have closed their eyes to the evil deeds of Commander in Chief George W. Bush.
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punpirate Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:27 PM
Response to Original message
10. If your brother is in Iraq now...
... or is due to go, then I would think you have an obligation to channel the energy you're drowning into anti-war efforts. It will do your brother and his compadres more good than the undoing of your own good self.

Cheers.
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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 08:13 PM
Response to Reply #10
22. I have *cry* flooded all Senators and media with facts and plans,...
:cry: I've even engaged in an "accountability" campaign that "recorded" every congressional member's response to PNAC.

Maybe, I am just trying to cope with,...economic injustice. All those who engage in lifting the floor of humanity are beaten down by those who exploit/use/abuse humanity for profit unto themselves.
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rwheeler31 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:28 PM
Response to Original message
11. Yes you do need help,
you need to be strong, to fight for what you need.
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usedtobesick Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:33 PM
Response to Original message
14. You have a lot of the symtoms of PTSD
Edited on Mon Aug-15-05 07:44 PM by usedtobesick
You need to get help, things like this don't just disappear. You really do need to find help and some support as well with the drinking. The two often trvel together. Get help real soon, it will be harder to stop yourself from beating the living shit out of people the longer you wait. Trust me on this, it won't feel any better if you do act it out.

on Edit: I am not expert but went through something like this. Helper sooner that later makes a huge difference in the length of your slide. Good Luck
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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:56 PM
Response to Reply #14
19. I'll tell you the only thing that keeps me "determined",...
,...are those who have suffered and survived the worst terror on their lives,...those who are living in Iraq. I am humiliated by their capacity to survive in spite of absolute human horror.h
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usedtobesick Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 08:07 PM
Response to Reply #19
21. i hear and feel it to
you just can' t even put words to it when your sitting in the middle of it. I have not been here this time but was there the first time and also it Somalia, it's the look on the faces of kids and mothers, the horror and pain. even the looks on the faces of your team around you. You can not leave after seeing it unaffected. it leaves you angry/andor/ cold inside. Now that we are forced to watch it everyday on TV and now the results of this senseless slaughter on all sides, walks in our lives as faces of friends, relatives and people we see on our streets each day. There is such a seance of hopelessness and anger. I still don't sleep at night for days on end. But you need some kind of anchor and help to draw you back to the you live now, here, today and find a way to get through it. I am sure others will tell you the same thing. Find some help.
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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 11:41 PM
Response to Reply #21
39. It's a trauma that can only be relieved by heaving regret,...
,...and delivering compensation. That's why I am so vehement about DESTROYING the force that imposes this horrific suffering on INNOCENT people.

:hug: I am right there with you,...in your pain and your humanity. :hug: I AM RIGHT HERE!!!!
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Olney Blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 07:59 PM
Response to Original message
20. Just Me....
Please keep checking back with us to let us know how you are doing.

I can't add anymore to what's already been said here, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm concerned.


:pals:
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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 08:19 PM
Response to Reply #20
24. Thanks,...I'm really having a rough time, right now.
I'm not sure if I'm "sick" by this environment or "sick" by reaction to it.

All I know is that,...I hurt on behalf of others,...my own life is pretty damn GREAT compared to those who had no choice, whatsoever, in their fate. I really,...hurt,...over that.
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Olney Blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 08:24 PM
Response to Reply #24
25. Oh boy, I really resonate with you.
I hope you can work through this tough time OK- do you have trusted friends or family you can talk to about this?
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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 08:40 PM
Response to Reply #25
31. Well, they are being more receptive,...
,...to my "ALERT ALERT ALERT" expression which was completely misinterpreted because,...hell,...I delivered really scary shit on their doorstep.

Frankly, *LOL*, my family hates my purity so much that they weigh their value,...on me. Meanwhile, I always valued their mere presence.
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Gothic Sponge Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 08:25 PM
Response to Original message
26. I'm sorry for what you are going through....
It breaks my heart too. I try to get through each day with humor. When I'm down I watch a comedy, or anything that will give me a little solace. Stay strong.
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pitohui Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 08:25 PM
Response to Original message
27. drinking takes away yr power
drink is meant to make us convivial & to celebrate & to spark conversation w. our friends

it is not meant to be a drug to drown sorrow & make us ineffective

by harming yr body w. drink you weaken your ability to fight this evil

you need to get a sponsor locally & get away from the booze

harming yr body won't put the young vet's face & body back together

you need to stay strong
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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 09:37 PM
Response to Reply #27
34. My drinking drowns pain and fear.
I am a person of exceptional self-control. However, I AM MERELY A HUMAN BEING!!! I don't fuck others over my position in life. Hell, I get sweaty by merely calling out for help. There is something VERY WRONG with that picture.

I have lived my whole life, respecting and protecting the elements of humanity. I am condemned at the profiteering of those who beat the fuck out of humanity.
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Lydia Leftcoast Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 08:31 PM
Response to Original message
29. The best we individuals can do now, aside from lobbying and protesting, is
damage control. Join a group that feeds the hungry, builds houses for the homeless, takes care of the environment, tutors children, whatever is possible and convenient for you.

You'll feel a lot less helpless (although no less angry) when you know that you've made even a tiny difference (given a hungry person their first real meal in days, freed a family from spending 75% of their income on rent, preserved a piece of green space, taught a child to read), and even better, you'll take the focus off your own misery.
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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Aug-16-05 12:10 AM
Response to Reply #29
41. Here's the thing,...
Edited on Tue Aug-16-05 12:11 AM by Just Me
,...I've lived my life, everyday, in compassion, giving to those who have crossed my path. My contibution did NOTHING to prevent this ill-begotten tyranny,...nothing,...nothing.

My "misery" has nothing to do with me or my life. I am quite comfortable in my spot in life. My pain arises from all those who are tortured with circumstances they NEVER invited into their lives. I suppose I am pained by the fact that, I cannot do more to relieve people from their uninvited circumstancse.

So, the pain I feel,...is beyond me.
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Lydia Leftcoast Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Aug-16-05 12:17 AM
Response to Reply #41
42. You have to accept the fact that you can't do everything
Nobody can.

You're not God, nor should you aspire to be.

All that any of us can do is try to clean up our own corner of the world, "lighting a candle instead of cursing the darkness," as the saying goes.
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hfojvt Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Aug-16-05 01:50 AM
Response to Reply #42
48. I love darkness, what I usually curse
is rain. I mean physical darkness, of course, not ethical darkness.

But that is almost like being one of "a thousand points of light".

I applied for the position of "god", but, as usual in these matters, I did not even get an interview.
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orleans Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Aug-16-05 01:00 AM
Response to Reply #41
46. i can assure you you're not alone.
there are thousands of us, i'm sure, that suffer right along with you.

a few months back i heard somewhere that there has been a real boon to the antidepressant market--and the the various counseling services (including therapists, shrinks, psychologists) has also had a greater demand put on them since the election.

i feel more and more saddened and depressed lately. i'm growing more tired and weary--sometimes i feel i just want to sleep--to escape and pull the covers over my head and sleep for a week.

sometimes i am so distracted by the politics of our country i wonder how i manage to get through a day doing anything else but obsessing.

you said:
"I suppose I am pained by the fact that, I cannot do more to relieve people from their uninvited circumstances."

well, you know -- as i do -- that we, individually, are not responsible for what is happening in this country and of course we are not the great and powerful oz that can make magical things happen.

but we do work within a community--this community and others--and when our voices join to make a chorus then we are capable of great things.

and just like the people serving in the "armed forces" we continue to do our share of a different battle here at home. and so many of them are counting on us to do this battle for them--because they are not in a position to do this battle for themselves.

so we've gotta hang in there, stay as strong as they need us to be, and keep fighting. we've gotta help each other. and if you need some additional assistance it is not weak to seek it out. it takes a lot of courage and strength to ask for help.

with drinking--it's up to you. you've gotta take that first step alone and just know, in your heart, that there are people who love you and will be there with you every next step of the way.


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Just Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-15-05 09:07 PM
Response to Original message
33. I am sorry I burdened you with my struggle.
I'm sorry,...so sorry.

I should disappear 'cause I can no longer contribute to a human cause. :cry:
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Nevernose Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Aug-16-05 12:25 AM
Response to Reply #33
43. Quitting DU might be a good thing - but not for the reasons you think
I've been there, done that.

You've taken the first step, and I admire anyone who has the guts to do that, as that takes more balls than most people have. But next you have to find a real life support group and sponsor, people who if not not ecactly friends know what you're going through and can help you get to where you need to be. It doesn't matter what your substance is: drink. meth, or prescriptions seem to be the most popular right now, but it doesn't matter as long as you can get to an NA or AA meeting.

And I know from personal experience that DU can be just as a depressing place as an uplifiting place. I only wish that it was within my power to get you to go to those meetings or something like them and KEEP you going.

I know, I'm not much of a writer, but Keph, God rest his soul, could at least talked you into going to meetings. I CAN say that it did, indeed, help me, for the time I needed, and I also learned actual human beings instead of DU were the best place to direct my feelings.

Good luck and may God bless you.
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uppityperson Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Aug-16-05 12:54 AM
Response to Original message
45. So sorry and you are not alone in this
I find that I am eating much more chocolate than I used to and obsessing here on DU, especially after finding a picture like that 19 yr old that was killed in Iraq last week. It can really get to you. It is difficult to step back from our emotions, to let them be yet not let them rule us. It is easy to destroy ourselves out of anger and frustration.

Sometimes stepping back helps. Sometimes getting actively involved helps.

I cannot give you advice because it seems like others are doing that and I have no idea of anything about you except you seem like a really humane person and that is hard. You are not alone, thank you for sharing this with us and I hope you can find peace in an unjust and difficult world. Peace to you.
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Droopy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Aug-16-05 01:12 AM
Response to Original message
47. Until 4 weeks ago I was drinking every other day
We're talking a lot of beer here. I started the habit around the start of the Iraq war and hadn't let up for 2.5 years. All it got me was depression and 30 pounds heavier.

I didn't have to go to AA as some other poster suggested you do. But you do have to find the strength somehow to face the reality that we are living in right now. If you have family they are probably concerned about you right now.

I feel much better now that I stopped poisoning my body with alcohol. My outlook on life has improved despite what BushCo is currently doing to our country. When I feel something I know that it is real and not something induced by a drug.
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