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need advice on wake/funeraL etiquette

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sniffa Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-07-05 03:45 PM
Original message
need advice on wake/funeraL etiquette
my brother-in-Law's uncLe is on his Last Leg (hours to maybe days). i'LL be going to the wake, but i'm curious if i shouLd go to the funeraL?
my mom-dukes caLLed to Let me know, and intimated that i onLy go to the wake.

i'm not cLose with my BIL (or my sister too much) and i bareLy knew his uncLe, if that affects the the decision.
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Lydia Leftcoast Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-07-05 03:48 PM
Response to Original message
1. I don't know what your family's traditions are
The wake is usually where the body is laid out for viewing and people stop by to express their sympathy, if that's any help in your decision.

The funeral is what you do just before the burial or cremation.
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Bunny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-07-05 03:48 PM
Response to Original message
2. Go to the wake. No need to attend the actual funeral, unless you
genuinely want to go.
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AlCzervik Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-07-05 03:49 PM
Response to Original message
3. I would probably skip the wake and just go to the funeral.
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Obamarama Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-07-05 03:49 PM
Response to Original message
4. Don't go to the wake OR the funeral....
Edited on Sun Aug-07-05 03:53 PM by KzooDem
If you're not close to your brother-in-law, his wife (your sister) and you barely knew the dead guy (or soon to be dead guy), then there's no reason to go to either. When it comes down to etiquette, it would be tacky to go to either given your loose association with the man.

It's bad enough to have to attend these things when the deceased is someone you know well....why would you want to attend for someone you barely know.
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southlandshari Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-07-05 03:53 PM
Response to Original message
5. How far away is the funeral?
I don't see any reason for you to travel any long distance in this situation, given the facts you have given.

You are going to the wake, right? That, to me, is more than enough to show your respect for the members of your family more directly affected if/when he passes away. No need to go to the funeral as well unless it is within easy driving distance and you have no other obligations (like going to work, for example) at the same time!

You know how dysfunctionally polite I am as a Deep South woman, and so if I say it is ok to skip it, I think that's as good as an answer from Miss Manners!

:pals:
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Spinzonner Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-07-05 04:03 PM
Response to Original message
6. I think the measure is what it will mean to your family

and your sister in particular. It obviously won't matter to your BIL's uncle.

If this is a way to have a reapproachment with your sister - and her husband - perhaps you should attend regardless of the lack of connection to the uncle. Perhaps your BIL had a close relationship with his uncle that makes it especially important to him.

What is your mom's reasoning for what you should attend ? Perhaps she has an insight to the situation beyond just the ettiquite of it.

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WCGreen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-07-05 04:05 PM
Response to Original message
7. The wake is where you meet the people who are
going through the sorrow. They are the ones that need to be comforted and to know that the recently deceased made an impact on life. For them.....

But after the funeral, there is always a party and always food....

Just saying
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Midlodemocrat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-07-05 04:06 PM
Response to Original message
8. Perfectly acceptable to go only to the wake
to support your sister and BIL. If would be different if it were BIL's dad or mom, then you should probably go to both.

Sorry your family is going through this.
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nothingshocksmeanymore Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-07-05 04:07 PM
Response to Original message
9. Funerals and wakes are for the living not the dead
It is acceptable to go to one or the other. There is no obligation to attend both. YOur going is a sign of respect to your BIL for his loss. That said, use that info to determine what you should do.
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miss_kitty Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-07-05 04:07 PM
Response to Original message
10. wake etiquette
Edited on Sun Aug-07-05 04:07 PM by miss_kitty
no double dipping
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xmas74 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-07-05 05:02 PM
Response to Original message
11. Only go if you were close to the person or if you are close to
those who are grieving. If you are not close to either than don't worry about it.
If you want to express your sympathy you could send a card, a plant or (if they live close by) a deli platter of some sort(food is always a good thing-families don't feel like cooking when they are making arrangements) w/ a simple message that they are in your thoughts.
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LaurenG Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-07-05 05:05 PM
Response to Original message
12. Whatever you do you will be doing for the BIL
He'll appreciate the fact that you came to either. At least that's how I would feel if I were him. I'd just feel supported that you came to either.
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bettyellen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-07-05 05:15 PM
Response to Original message
13. out of respect for your sister, go to the wake.
but you don't need to go to the funeral at all.
:hi:
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