I miss Andy

[VelmaD]

I know I've been kind of scarce and haven't talked about this much but it's really weighing heavy on my heart tonight and I had to write or I'm just going to explode.

I still haven't really sat down and cried about it. Not enough anyway. The memorial didn't do what I needed...it didn't start the healing process for me and I don't know what to do at this point.

Every day a dozen times a day little things happen and I think, "I need to call Andy and tell him about this" and every time I remember that I can't it's like hearing the news for the very first time again. I miss hearing his voice so bad right now. I miss the way he sang to me, and I miss the way he'd just babble on at me and let me do the same to him, and I miss the way he always told me he loved me before he hung up the phone. I miss the wacky conspiracy theories. I miss the phone calls that started with, "guess where I am?" I miss getting pictures from his camera phone. I miss the way he bugged me constantly about how I needed to come to Seattle and I'm so angry with myself that I never made it til it was too late.

I don't understand why the universe had to take him away.

[greatauntoftriplets]

1. Me, too.....

And I react the same way.

Happy I did make it to Seattle two years ago, happy he came here to be with us at Christmas, sad that I could not go to Seattle last weekend.

[VelmaD]

2. I just keep telling myself...

he knew I loved him...I know he loved me...but that isn't the same as having him here to say it every day. It's not fair. I know that's a childish thing to say and the universe laughs every time I do it...but it's not fair.

[greatauntoftriplets]

4. Same here....and he knew I loved him...and me that he loved me....

He said it a lot, especially of late.

No, it's not fair. Nor is it childish. Andy is the second close friend I have lost to cancer...the other nearly 18 years ago, but a day still doesn't go by that I don't think of her and the difference she made in my life. She was the older sister I wish I'd had. At least she lived a lot closer.

[havocmom]

5. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Allow more time to get places and do

things. Too easy to make errors when your heart is so raw. Andy would want you to take good care of yourself.

Just be gentle to yourself and know we are with you in spirit.

Know Andy is too.

[VelmaD]

9. I already screwed up...

on that front. Helped cause a stupid rift with someone I care deeply about because I was too raw and probably not thinking clearly.

I'm going to try to cut myself some slack. I know Andy would. I miss having him to talk to...he was so good at making me feel better about myself.

[GOPisEvil]

3. So much evil in this world is allowed to prosper, yet...

...Andy is taken from us too soon. It isn't fair. I know that karmic paybacks can be hell, but that doesn't change the fact that Andy's gone.

[VelmaD]

7. This is one time I don't wanta believe...

in karma. I refuse to believe there is anything Andy could have done in this life or any other that resulted in this. He used to cry to me and ask what he could have done to deserve this and I had to tell him over and over "nothing...you did nothing and it isn't fair".

And I can't bring myself to hope that the people who hurt him suffer in turn because I know he wouldn't want me to hate like that.

[GOPisEvil]

21. Yeah...totally not fair.

I don't want the people who hurt Andy to suffer as he did as I don't think that way. However, I hope they finally come to understand what their actions help cause.

Our only choice is to keep him in our hearts and move forward with a smile on our faces and love in our hearts because that's what Andy did.

[VelmaD]

23. I know you're right...

I know Andy wouldn't want me to be so sad. But it's just taking me a while. I try to think of the happy times and they just make me cry to and then I can almost hear him quotin Steel Magnoias at me..."Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion"...and then I really start crying.

[GOPisEvil]

24. I've been channeling him a lot lately.

He's been absolutely making me smile.

[VelmaD]

25. I'm glad

I hope I'll be in that place soon. But I'm not there yet. It's taking me a while to process.

[greatauntoftriplets]

26. I see him like being a sort of....

(forgive the expression) fairy godfather to all of us who loved him...trying to make everything better for all of us.

That is the way he is.

[VelmaD]

27. Oh. My. GAWD!

That mental image has me cackling and crying at the same time. Andy would love it.

[greatauntoftriplets]

29. Looking down at us...

and telling us how much he loves us....

[GOPisEvil]

31. He was definitely there Saturday.

He was the gremlin in the computer causing the slide show to be wonky. "If we can't trust a machine to run a slide show, how can we trust them to count votes?"

[IdaBriggs]

48. I *totally* thought the same thing!

I had to stop myself from being the evil voice saying something along the lines of "Its the revenge of the electrons!"

[greatauntoftriplets]

40. Wouldn't he???

I think Andy has channeled that image to me.

[GOPisEvil]

28. *snort*

That is so Andy.

[greatauntoftriplets]

30. Isn't it?

I sent the guestbook link to Gato Moteado. Haven't heard back from him. We had a good conversation a week ago Monday...he was shocked, of course.

[GOPisEvil]

33. Yeah...it was a total ton of bricks.

I talked to him via PM earlier this week, too.

[greatauntoftriplets]

37. I am still having trouble believing this....

talked to Termite on Monday. It was a good moment for him. He said there are lots of bad ones as well. Such a sweet guy. He was wearing only a towel when I met him...and Andy informed him that I was going to have to drive his truck to the dealership because Andy's car was acting up. Termite didn't bat an eyelash. I did, because I was about to drive someone else's truck in a city I had never been in before...and it had HILLS!!!

Fortunately, termite's truck survived my efforts.

[GOPisEvil]

38. I'm glad I got to meet him and Andy's family members.

One of Andy's nephews have already called me, wanting to hang out this weekend. So, through all the pain, some good has come.

[VelmaD]

39. I spent part of Monday with Termite...

he is a sweetie. He took me to lunch down at the pier and then we wandered around with Ballot and had ice cream. It was good to get to spend a little time getting to know him (and he was sweet enough to say he appreciated me distracting him). He's a good guy. I'm glad Andy had someone like him. I can't imagine how he's coping.

[greatauntoftriplets]

42. He told me you were the last person he drove to the airport.

What was the name of the restaurant? We went to a great one at the pier...I love watching fishing boats for some reason. And I don't like fish.



shrimp, lobster, crab, YES!!!

But the salmon I sent my family from Pikes Market (that Andy talked me into)??? Blech!

[VelmaD]

44. Ted and I ate at Ivar's.

It was neat. Fish and chips out on the pier while we watched the seagulls.

[greatauntoftriplets]

50. That's not where we went...though he did choose the restaurant.

It was my last night there. We'd driven through some neighborhood directly on the ocean that Andy really liked. Houses built in the 1950s and 1960s...not really my taste...prefer older....but they were architecturally distinct.

And the views of the Olympic MOuntains and sunset over the Pacific were great.

[VelmaD]

52. Well, on Friday night we went to another of Andy's favorite places...

called Chinook. It was yummy too. Got to meet Ted and Andy's momma and goodboy and a bunch of other folks there.

[greatauntoftriplets]

54. That was it!!!!

Great water views. Excellent food. Terrific ambience.

[VelmaD]

56. David and I got there early...

and got to spend a little time looking out over the water. And the food was awfully good. There was just one thing missing.

[greatauntoftriplets]

58. I know who you mean....

We sat very close to the water, and I was facing the dock. Looked at the fishing boats. I had shrimp.

Weird. I hate fish, but have been many places that are fishing ports (love islands, love water). I like to see the fishing boats coming into port with the gulls flying behind them.

A weird thing. Can't quite remember if I told that to Andy and Ted that night.....

[GreenPartyVoter]

6. and Scott and Jeff.. and my mom, What a crappy year

[VelmaD]

11. Oh honey...

I'm sorry about your momma.

[GreenPartyVoter]

13. Thanks. *hugs* Here she is

http://curvynovels.info/Amma.htm

[CountAllVotes]

8. I miss Andy too

I found a message from him in my in-box dated Feb. 23, 2005. It makes me sick when I think back on how he was treated by some people.

RIP Andy. We miss you!

[VelmaD]

14. *big tight hug*

What gets me is turning on my cell phone. His number is still the first one listed.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

10. Hey there, Velma...

You and I haven't spoken much, I think, but I feel compelled to reach out to you in your sorrow, and try to help...I have a short poem that might help: I sure hope it does.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow

I am the diamond glint on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there. I did not die.

Author unknown

[VelmaD]

12. Thanks Peggy...

I appreciate the thought more than I can tell you.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

15. Anything I can do, just let me know!

I'm here for you...

[VelmaD]

17. I don't know at this point...

what anyone can do. Andy is my first close friend that has passed away and I'm literally lost.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

22. Of course you're lost!

It's horrible when someone you love has died. Especially one you were so close to, and one so young as well...It's a TERRIBLE shock.
It will take time, and lots of it, to recover from this. You may never truly recover, but you will get used to it one day. It might take a year. But you do heal. Time will do it.
Eventually you might benefit from a bereavement group. You might consider doing this down the road.

[Misunderestimator]

35. That's a really nice piece of prose there, Peggy!

Thanks for sharing it.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

74. My pleasure, MisU!

I always want to share stuff I have lying around, when I think it might help someone the way it helped me...

[Sannum]

16. This has been a horrible year..

All I can do is offer you all a big

[VelmaD]

18. Thank you...

hugs are exactly what I need right now.

[Sannum]

19. well, here are a few more

Take care of yourself

[VelmaD]

20. I'm trying...

I just realize I'm not doing a very good job right now. So I came to the Lounge.

[IdaBriggs]

32. I'm so sorry....

I understand. I miss him, too. I went to the Ann Arbor (MI) Art Fair today, and I wore his "Andy Stephenson for Sec of State: Protect Your Ballot" button. I told several old friends who I haven't seen in a while all about him....

Its hard right now, but we'll get through this....

[VelmaD]

34. I'm so glad you got to be there on Saturday...

and I still can't believe how wonderful people are.

[GOPisEvil]

36. I'm sorry we didn't see more of each other Saturday.

I heard you speak though. It was good you could be there.

[Misunderestimator]

41. So sorry, Velma... it is really awful to lose a friend.

This one struck us all hard, but especially his close friends like you.

Don't be angry at yourself... He knew you loved him... your not going to Seattle did not change your friendship and love.

Who knows why good people are taken from us? It makes no sense. Just remember all he meant to you, which is obviously a lot.

[VelmaD]

45. Mostly I'm angry at the universe

I was already planning a trip to Seattle to hold his hand once he started the chemo. And then the next thing I knew he was stroking out and there was no more time and even if I had left as soon as Ted told me I couldn't have gotten there in time. I want him back.

[bertha katzenengel]

43. I'm sorry, Velma.

I didn't know him IRL and here I only knew of him through the threads about his illness. I didn't even know he'd passed until Monday.

I'm very, very sad for you all who knew him. I know it's a tremendous loss.

[VelmaD]

46. thanks, bertha

It means a lot to me that so many people cared about Andy. I don't know what I'd do without all the support tonight.

[LynzM]

47. Hugs for you, Velma

I did not know Andy, sadly. But I see so much love and positive energy that is coming from those who knew and loved him, and I see through them the person he was. Losing someone is never easy, particularly when that someone is loved by so many, and brings such joy, and whose loss is so unexpected. It does hurt, and it will hurt. But eventually those memories will bring smiles in addition to tears, and happiness in addition to sorrow.

A song we sang at a funeral of a friend, and that Will included for Andy:

May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
And the rain fall soft upon your fields...
'Til we meet again my friend,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

[VelmaD]

49. Thanks...

Will gave a wonderful eulogy..it was beautiful. He said all the right things. I smiled at the Irish blessing. And cried. But the service didn't help me the way it seemed to for other people. I'm not good with funerals. I'm not good with loss. I don't know how to do this.

[LynzM]

65. I'm sorry the service didn't do what you wanted for you

You don't have to know how to do this.... no one expects you to know how, and no one will fault you for coping how you can and do, in your own time.

[musette_sf]

51. I didn't personally know Andy

never exchanged any thoughts with him via email or threads...

but I miss him too.

Missed him so much this morning that I broke down and began donating monthly to TruthOut, and dedicated my donation to his memory.

I had the memorial note sent to Will P.

Andy -- love ya ... miss ya


NB: already do the DU thing monthly too, so the TO was for Andy.

[VelmaD]

53. I know Andy would appreciate...

the donation in his honor.

[Cyndee_Lou_Who]

55. .

I'm sorry.

[VelmaD]

57. Thanks

[Ladyhawk]

59. I hear you, VelmaD. I hear all of you.

I didn't know Andy as well as many who have posted to this thread, but I am having a hard time dealing with his death, too. I did consider him a friend and I miss him, too. I was looking forward to his return, to learning from him, to getting to know him better. I wanted to hear him sing.

One of the hardest things for me was looking pure evil in the face. What those bastards did to Andy shocked the hell out of me. I've always known of evil in the world. I've dealt with it before on some levels, but a concerted effort to stalk a dying man? That is the lowest thing I've ever encountered. I crave justice. For Andy. For his mother. For Termite. For his closest friends. For all of us. This can't be allowed to pass without some kind of comeuppance.

Velma, if you need some help crying, you can have some of my tears. Sometimes I have trouble crying, but not when it comes to Andy. Every time someone mentions him, my eyes start leaking. Maybe it's because I wasn't as close to it as some of you. I don't understand it. I cry and cry and cry, feeling helpless because I couldn't fix the situation. I couldn't heal Andy. I couldn't keep those bastards away from him. And now, I can't do much to make sure those fuckers pay.

Some of you need those tears worse than I do. Tears are cleansing. Tears release pain. Let me share mine with you. you need the cleansing.

[VelmaD]

60. Thanks sweetie...

I wish I could borrow some tears. It's just too big for me still. It's too much and my heart has shut down in self-defense. I'm numb and I hurt at the same time if that makes any sense.

[yvr girl]

61. Lots of time life doesn't make sense and it isn't fair

You'll have Andy with you always, you'll just have to listen with your heart and not your ears.

[VelmaD]

62. Thanks hon...

I know what you and everyone else is telling me is true. I've walked through the stages of grief with people in the past (used my social work degree for more than a wall decoration). But I'm just not there yet. All I can see right now is that he's gone and I don't know what to do without him.

[yvr girl]

70. You take it one step at a time

It sounds trite but it's true. You're still breathing. You get up and brush your teeth and do the things you have to do. You live through the loneliness and pain. And slowly but surely memories of Andy will bring a smile to your face instead of a tear to your eye.

Living a full life is one way to honour those we've lost. For now, just collect as many hugs as you need. And play with your nephew as much as possible.

[Catherine Vincent]

63. ....

[VelmaD]

64. thank you

[all.of.me]

66. grief is a very slow process

let yourself do it, though. allow yourself to cry, get angry, be confused, whatever it takes. don't keep it in. if you feel debilitated by it, then give it a time slot every day to just cut loose, then carry on with the rest of the day, knowing you have another hour or whatever to really feel awful. good for you for venting here. that is really healthy. it will take a LONG time to heal, so be prepared to feel off center for a long time. there's a huge hole in your life.

one of my best friends died a year ago march. i still want to call her up and tell her things. i miss her terribly some days. i actually heard her say hi to me the night andy passed.

i didn't personally know andy, and it still has not sunk in that he is gone. i get the shivers every time i see his photo in a sig or avatar.

[VelmaD]

67. I think one of the reasons I've been scarce...

is those sig lines and avatars. I understand why they're there and I know Andy would be touched and honored. But I can't see his face without crying right now.

I'm very sorry about your friend.

[GOPisEvil]

68. Turn the signatures off.

I did. I orignially did it to save bandwith while posting in the airports, but I have come to like the clean look.

[VelmaD]

69. I think that's a good idea...

at least for a little while. Until I can look without it hurting. Thanks.

[all.of.me]

73. you don't need to be scarce right now.

you need all the support you can get. turn off the sigs and vent here. there are thousands of people here that can empathize, so take advantage of that.

a friend's husband died a few years ago. someone gave her a journal, and for the first time in her life, she wrote. she also went to a grief counseling group, and those are the two things that saved her! she recovered quickly, because she was talking about it a lot with others in the same boat, as well as putting her feelings in writing.

get it out of your body. one of my wholesale suppliers says 'to fester is bad.' so true!

thanks for your thoughts.

[elshiva]

71. I miss him, but I think he is still with us on DU.

His vision is with us always.

[Demonaut]

72. He's still here, just can't respond.....I honestly believe

that some essence still exists. He made this board his life, as did Khephra and Nostamj.

[merh]

75. Me too.

Here is a hug or two for you.

Did you see the article posted in this link?
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.ph...