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Goodbye, Daddy. I hope death works out better for you.

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chaska Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:45 PM
Original message
Goodbye, Daddy. I hope death works out better for you.
I just found out my father passed away yesterday.

It's really weird. I don't really feel it. I guess I made my peace with the issue of his dying years ago. I've been expecting it for sometime. He wasn't around for my growing up. My parents divorced when I was about 3. I don't feel like I ever really got to know him. I don't think he would have ever let me know him. I hugged him once and he nearly freaked.

What a sad little life he had. Lived alone for the last forty years of his life. A complete workaholic for the first 70 years of his life. How pathetic. I always hated that about him. What a waste of a life. Live your whole life alone, afraid of everything, and all you've got is your slavish devotion to some damn rich asshole's company. He was completely destroyed when he got too old to work and they cast him on the scrap heap.

I guess I feel some guilt that I didn't spend more time with him, but I never really knew him, I never developed any real sense of connection with him. And part of me is angry with him: for screwing up the lives of everyone in my family (my mother left him when she could no longer tolerate his cheating), but more just for the way he lived ... or didn't. I hate the faults that I've inherited from him. I hate that so much of how I live is in reaction to his faults (as I percieve them). There's a part of me that remembers the kid that used to cry himself to sleep missing him. But that's done and over.

Oh well. Bon voyage, Daddy.

Here's your favorite peanut butter and banana sandwich and your favorite album from back when I knew such things about you.



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smbolisnch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:47 PM
Response to Original message
1. Im so sorry Chaska....
:hug:
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Radio_Lady Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 02:13 PM
Response to Reply #1
17. Chaska, my dad died in 1988 and I didn't shed any tears --
He and my mother never divorced. They were married for 41 years, and I was an only child. My mother died in 1991 and my husband and I had to go and break up her sad little apartment in Florida. I did break down when we flew from Boston in the month of March on one of the airline's "bereavement fares". The flight attendant opened the door to the airplane, and something about the heat and humidity and the endless emotion. I just started to cry because the curtain on my childhood came down. My mother and dad were now both gone -- forever.

It was a disturbing and conflicted childhood. They were a gorgeous couple -- dark haired and smooth skin. Mother played the piano, Dad the violin. My father was a lawyer, painter, sculptor, inventor. He was so handsome in his youth. I think he looked like Jude Law, but with green eyes and brown hair.

He was also an undiagnosed manic depressive, and he drank periodically. He beat me with a belt right into teenage. He also had a "mistress" -- all while my mother accepted him with her depressed personality. She was his legal secretary for most of her work life. She wanted to be a journalist, but instead she married at 18 and had me at 19, leaving her career dreams behind. Although I encouraged her to go back to college, she never did.

After both were gone, I began to accept that they did the best they could. They just did the best they could with the faults and diseases they had. (By the way, I also tell that to my own two children, whose father divorced me when they were small... it's something every child must recognize about every parent.)

Mother used to tell me that she wanted to leave my father when I was a little girl, but her mother (my maternal grandmother) would not allow her back in the family home. That must have been about 1940 or 1941, and divorce must have been pretty much out of the question.

I wish you the gift of acceptance of your father's failings -- and the added gift of forgiveness. Your father was poorer emotionally for not having known you. I hope you, too, go on to a better life with your own family.

I don't have pictures, but I remember my father's favorite music was the Barcarolle from the "Tales of Hoffmann" and my mother's was "Fuer Elise" by Beethoven. I still remember them when these classical music pieces are played.

In peace,

Radio Lady
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progmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:47 PM
Response to Original message
2. .........
:hug: chaska - i am sorry for your loss. :hug:

my thoughts will be with you.
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Crazy Guggenheim Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:47 PM
Response to Original message
3. My thoughts are with you.
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Shell Beau Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:48 PM
Response to Original message
4. Aw, I hate to hear that. Sorry!
:hug:
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LSparkle Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:48 PM
Response to Original message
5. Your post has me in tears
Edited on Wed Jul-20-05 01:49 PM by LSparkle
I hope he truly does rest in peace -- and that you can also find peace (or make your peace with him).
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GreenPartyVoter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:48 PM
Response to Original message
6. I am sorry *hugs* Both for what you lost and for what you never had.
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DeposeTheBoyKing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:49 PM
Response to Original message
7. I'm very sorry
It's hard enough to lose a parent when you have a "normal" relationship with them. It must be really difficult when your relationship is more conflicted. You are in my thoughts.
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stellanoir Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:52 PM
Response to Original message
8. Condolences
perhaps now you can truly heal. Perhaps he will as well.
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catzies Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:52 PM
Response to Original message
9. Sympathies, chaska. I hope you find peace & healing.
What a burden that was for you growing up. I found it a challenge to give myself the love my parents didn't give me, and it sounds like that was part of your journey too.

:hug:
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WI_DEM Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:54 PM
Response to Original message
10. it sounds like he cheated himself out of a happy life with a wife
and kids and ended up dying a lonely old man--I feel great pity for him. May he RIP--and may you also find peace.
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Rick Myers Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:54 PM
Response to Original message
11. All good karma your way!
May he rest in peace...
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chaska Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:55 PM
Response to Original message
12. Thanks everybody. Your kind words mean a lot .
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Radio_Lady Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 10:26 PM
Response to Reply #12
30. Chaska, check in with us in a few weeks and let us know how you're doing!
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flamingyouth Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:55 PM
Response to Original message
13. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Please accept my deepest sympathy.
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JimmyJazz Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:56 PM
Response to Original message
14. I am so sorry. I'm sorry for his death, but I'm also sorry for the
relationship you had with him. It's so sad. :hug: You are in my thoughts.
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:57 PM
Response to Original message
15. Oh Chas...i'm so goddamn sorry for you
If you need anything, shoot me a pm, seriously :hug:
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Bluerthanblue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 02:13 PM
Response to Original message
16. i hear you
so clearly it makes me cry.......

Chaska, if you can- toss that 'guilt'- you were the child, HE was the father. You can't make people 'be something they are not' nor can you change them.
You may have inherited looks, or propensities from him- but you and only you, have control of 'what' you are now, and forever. Letting go of the 'dream' was the hardest part for me.---- Death ended that 'little girl' fantasy that maybe someday..... and the death of the dream hurts like hell-

He was who he was- and he made his choices, and those choices impacted people who had no control over anything-

My heart goes out to you- the best i can say is, feel whatever it is you need to, but remember, you are human- and you couldn't 'heal' him. Be angry, be sad, be numb or relieved or whatever- but don't take his mistakes, and choices on as YOURS- we cannot control what others do- (unless we kill them, and then have we not 're-acted' to their actions?)
Learn from him- nurture yourself, because you deserve nurturing, and his life choices were not because of you, or anything you 'deserved'- you deserved to be loved, cared for, guided, and accepted for the person you are.

huggs, and healing-

and most of all hope.
blu
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Radio_Lady Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 02:22 PM
Response to Reply #16
19. You stated it so well. I am in tears right now.
If only our parents could have lived up to our expectations.

I try every day to be a good parent to my two children, and their four children. My children actually lived with their natural father (we divorced when they were two and three years old). I had a medical problem in 1980 and he and his wife took over custody for eight years, while I payed them child support.

However, it doesn't matter. They still remember so many instances of problems and conflicts with their dad. Even today, my ex-husband tries so hard to put a "guilt trip" on them any time he can. I wish he were different, because I know there isn't much time. He's already been diagnosed with bladder cancer (treatable) and has a pacemaker for his heart.

I have to let all of this go. I know they will grieve when he is gone. My daughter, particularly, is so sensitive to his BS.

Anyway, your message has echoed here today, Bluerthanblue!

In peace,

Radio Lady
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Bluerthanblue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 02:46 PM
Response to Reply #19
20. i'm so sorry
for the pain you've been through... that we all go through.... because (i firmly believe) we have not been shown love- unconditional, un-earned love, as babies, and young children, when we learn 'who' we are- or 'what to expect'-

How much hurt can be done, in so short a time, and continued for generations, unless, and until, we have the fortune to 'see' from a distance.... inside each one of us, is a child that has either learned that they 'are enough' just by 'being'- or that 'they will never be enough'- no matter how hard they try- and spend the rest of their lives proving that judgement true. In the oddest, and sometimes most hurtful ways.

So sad a world- when we learn (and i'm still working on it) that we are and always HAVE been 'loveable' all along- whether that was affirmed or not by those whose role it was to 'nurture' us- we become free to love others, in ways that bring out the best in them, and we all grow healthier - in the giving, and recieving.

i wish you, and all the wounded souls of this world, much love, healing, and peace-

blu
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nothingshocksmeanymore Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 02:19 PM
Response to Original message
18. So today, you grieve for what you never had, Chaska
Perhaps as time goes by, you come to the realization that the biggest expression of love your father could muster up for you was absence and withholding. Perhaps with his cheating, self serving nature that expression of love was a favor to you in the long run.

From my experience in reading your posts, you seem to be a thoughtful person...so you are no worse for those traits you attribute to him.

I wish you some peace, strength and the wisdom of insights that accompany such a loss :hug:
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Maddy McCall Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 02:53 PM
Response to Original message
21. Here's a hug.
Such a sad post. I hope you are ok. :hug: :hug: :hug:
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ladeuxiemevoiture Donating Member (668 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 02:55 PM
Response to Original message
22. That's a touching eulogy. Hugs to you!
:hug:
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redqueen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 02:55 PM
Response to Original message
23. Oh chaska I'm so sorry...
your post made me cry...
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UrbScotty Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 03:15 PM
Response to Original message
24. Oh my gosh.
I will pray for you and your family.

:hug:
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Lilyhoney Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 03:28 PM
Response to Original message
25. I too have mourned the loss of my family
and they are still alive. I was going to spend yesterday writing a letter to them to officailly say good-bye. It has been a long time since I have had a positive relationship with them. There is nothing more I can do but let them go. Yes, I tried begging and everything else.

But I spent my time here at DU instead. Making friends.

May your father rest in peace. O8)
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Radio_Lady Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 05:04 PM
Response to Reply #25
27. I found some solace in reading and speaking to the author of
"Family Estrangements" -- her name is Barbara LeBey.

You can read about her and her books on her website:

http://www.barbaralebey.com

I have two stepdaughters who have cut off their relationships with their father and me. He seems to have suffered less than I have; but it still hurts sometimes. Their mother died when they were 11 and 8; I met and married him (and his three kids) a year and a half later.

So it goes. I had wished and hoped it would be different (their teenage years were stressful, then we helped them get married, they had kids, etc. etc., but the "real" bonds were not there.

It has come to this -- we have three kids, not five. The other two of them are alive and (we hope) well, but not in touch with us at this time.
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Lilyhoney Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 05:26 PM
Response to Reply #27
29. Thank you for the book suggestion.
My family has been a great gift of hard learned lessons.
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Xipe Totec Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 03:36 PM
Response to Original message
26. My deepest sympathy for your loss
:hug:
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Taverner Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 05:05 PM
Response to Original message
28. How sad....my heart goes out to you
:cry:
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 10:36 PM
Response to Original message
31. The loss of either of our parents is are the link to our past and future
the genetical, sociological, and spiritual connection that brought us to this realm of existence.

Forgiveness, and mourning is what we all should do with each other in our family
for he did bring you into this world

I'M GLAD HE DID HELP CREATE YOU.

His life should be remembered if not only for that, for we know not why
we walk these roads and what we really create in our travels.
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BikeWriter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 10:39 PM
Response to Original message
32. I'm so very sorry.
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KitchenWitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 10:40 PM
Response to Original message
33. My condolensces
So sorry for your loss, even though you lost him years ago...death makes it so final.

Be well chaska! :hug:
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Greyhound Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 10:44 PM
Response to Original message
34. Lessons learned
Blessed be :grouphug:
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