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Ok DUers...To Dump the Ball n' Chain, or not?

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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:34 PM
Original message
Poll question: Ok DUers...To Dump the Ball n' Chain, or not?
I've hit the wall in this relationship, and i'm thinking it's time to kick someone to the curb...For those of you who read my panic attack thread, you'll understand the context...

This morning, he comes home from work, sees me crying. I tell him that my dad's biopsy results are coming in today, and that i'm terrified. I tell him i need a hug. He gives me a half-hearted hug, tells me i'm overreacting, and walks away...

Later on, i try to talk about it with him, but apparently he's pissed off that i didn't get him any weed last night, so he's wicked hostile and there's no talking going on...he then goes into our room and passes out until he has to go back to work this afternoon.

He gets up, gets ready for work, and says 'why the hell do you look like you're about to bust out crying?', in a nasty tone. I said 'Well, i'd just like a half-oz of sympathy or support from you, that's all'

and he goes, 'Listen, i'm tired, i have to go to work, i can't deal with you right now. 'bye.'

No hug, no 'i love you', nothing...he left me there crying in the driveway.

I know i'm super sensitive today, but this feels like the final straw. i think i need to do some house cleaning after i return from Paris...

Honestly, what do you guys think?

Sorry, polls are turned off at Level 3.

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progmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:35 PM
Response to Original message
1. why wait until after paris?
:hug:
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:37 PM
Response to Reply #1
3. 'cause i'm leaving in 8 days
and the added stress might just kill me...besides, i can think about it more deeply and clearly when i'm away, i think

:hug:
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progmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:38 PM
Response to Reply #3
6. you don't sound like you are in a relationship that has much love in it
I'm so sorry about that. You are a very loving person and deserve reciprocity.
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:40 PM
Response to Reply #6
9. i used to be...
i don't know what happened here..things have changed so much, and i don't know why :cry:
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mzteris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:53 PM
Response to Reply #3
19. NO NO NO NO NO
You'll get all weepy and sentimental and "miss him" and cr@p like that being in the "City of Love" and you'll want to give him one more chance - 'cause he'll miss having you available and be all "nice" - for a while - then back to the SOS.

Dump him NOW - and then go have GUILT FREE FUN in PARIS.

He obviously doesn't give a chit about your feelings. Don't waste your time any longer worrying about his.
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progmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:54 PM
Response to Reply #19
20. i agree
but maybe there are too many details to figure out with the breakup, especially if they live together.

but you should make up your mind about it now, and stick to it.
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:56 PM
Response to Reply #20
21. that's the thing...
after 5 years of cohabitation, it's sooooo complicated to deal with, on top of everything else. I just can't.

But, i am going to make up my mind before i leave, probably today, and i promise you i will stick to it, even if it kills me. :P
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Shredr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:03 PM
Response to Reply #19
30. I agree with this 100%
You deserve better than the way he's treating you right now. Who knows what his probelm and issues are, but he's not sharing with you and not treating you right. if you go off to Paris without resolving this (dumping him) you'll miss him, be all sentimental and waste your whole Paris trip pining for him and spending too much on overseas phone calls or internet cafes. Break up with him now, and ENJOY PARIS!!!
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radwriter0555 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:25 PM
Response to Reply #3
43. what's to think? dump his sorry ass and be FREE as a bird in PARIS, the
city of LOVE...

Heading down here to Cannes while you're on this side of the pond?
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flamingyouth Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:36 PM
Response to Original message
2. I think you deserve better.
Edited on Wed Jul-20-05 12:36 PM by flamingyouth
:hug:
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:37 PM
Response to Reply #2
4. thanks lisa
you're the best...really. :hug:
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Misunderestimator Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:38 PM
Response to Original message
5. Knowing no history here, and only by what you describe...
I say dump him! Asshole. :hug:
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:39 PM
Response to Reply #5
8. he never used to be this way
but it's been getting worse for about a year now...i know it's probably the best thing to do, but it's gonna be ugly.

thanks for the hug :hug:
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kick-ass-bob Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:38 PM
Response to Original message
7. He's worried about his weed?
He needs a dealer, not a wife.

So do your part - and I don't mean find him a dealer.
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:41 PM
Response to Reply #7
10. i know, right?
that's what i said! i couldn't fucking believe him when he said that!
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Blue Belle Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:09 PM
Response to Reply #7
33. He sounds more concerned about his weed than he is about you...
You need to be his priority.
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:11 PM
Response to Reply #33
34. not to mention the fact that i'm leaving in 8 days for three weeks
you'd think he'd want to be just a little nice to me, no?
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kick-ass-bob Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:38 PM
Response to Reply #34
55. yeah! where is he gonna find his weed for 3 weeks?
:sarcasm:

You should go to Paris and not come back.
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Left_Winger Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:47 PM
Response to Reply #55
58. Or... take a side trip to Amsterdam
and send him a postcard. Then dump his sorry ass.
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:53 PM
Response to Reply #55
59. hehe, i'm sooo not giving him the guy's number...
let him suffer, i say :P
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sundog Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:41 PM
Response to Original message
11. if you are asking the question, you already know the answer
;)
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:42 PM
Response to Reply #11
12. fuck... i know you're right
it just hurts to admit it, i guess :cry:
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lukasahero Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:44 PM
Response to Reply #12
15. Admitting it is the hardest part - really
I'm not offering an answer to your question because, really, only you can and should make that decision. But I can tell you from experience that taking that first step is the hardest. Not that the rest of it will be a breeze but you can gain a lot of confidence once you take a step and realize the ground is still there.

:hug:
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LynzM Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:50 PM
Response to Reply #12
18. I second Sundog's response
And I'd encourage you to do it before you go to Paris. Dump him, go have a blast, rock it in Paris, and enjoy the freedom. Don't spend that time having to come home and dread doing that. Make Paris your 'you' time after you get through it. No, it probably won't be easy, but it sounds like the time has come. Sympathetic ears here if you want to talk about it :hug:
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iconoclastic cat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:02 PM
Response to Reply #18
27. Sheesh, if I acted like that guy, I'd dump myself!
:evilgrin:
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Maestro Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:43 PM
Response to Original message
13. He's more worried about weed?
Selfish prick! Dump the bastard. Hope your father is alright!
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:44 PM
Response to Reply #13
14. exactly...
i'm just floored by his behavior...fucking floored.
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SouthoftheBorderPaul Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:47 PM
Response to Reply #14
16. Based on the limited info at hand....
I said dump him. Of course there's two sides to every story but I have a hard time digesting the idea that he's upset with you for not buying week when your dad is sick.
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:48 PM
Response to Reply #16
17. oh, it's true...
there isn't much more to it...things have been bad for a while now, but they've been getting increasingly worse this summer.
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nini Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:57 PM
Response to Original message
22. the question really is.... why are you STILL there?
you should have left him long ago.

NEVER take this crap from anyone. You deserver better.
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gmoney Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:57 PM
Response to Original message
23. Deleted
Edited on Wed Jul-20-05 01:25 PM by gmoney
Deleted
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:59 PM
Response to Reply #23
25. well thanks for that...but no
Edited on Wed Jul-20-05 01:01 PM by bicentennial_baby
this has absolutely nothing to do with anything like that, and frankly, there was no need for you to bring it up in this thread.

on edit, for my sake, could you change that title? i just think it's inappropriate. :cry:
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:27 PM
Response to Reply #23
45. thank you, i mean it
and no, you're obviously not on ignore. :hug:
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Bassic Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 12:58 PM
Response to Original message
24. If your dad's biopsy dosen't evoke more simpathy tahn that in him
I say "beu-bye l" (as we would say here in Qubec)

Dump the guy.
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:00 PM
Response to Reply #24
26. Au revoir, mon cul de cheval?
:P
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Dora Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:02 PM
Response to Original message
28. The longer you stay,
The harder it will be to end the relationship.

I had a nearly identical experience. My stepdad had been diagnosed with colon cancer (we were very close), he was undergoing chemo and radiation, and when the time for surgery came around, my then-boyfriend told me that he didn't want me to talk about it any more, because it made me sad and unpleasant to be around.

Stupid me, I stayed with that dumbass until he dumped me for his lying, cheating, exotic-dancing and knife-wielding ex-girlfriend. It was the best thing he ever did for me.

Please dump this man, go to Paris, and have a wonderful time "recovering" over there. Please.
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baby_mouse Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:02 PM
Response to Original message
29. Get rid of him nt
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redqueen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:07 PM
Response to Original message
31. I think you already know.
:pals:

Good luck... I can really sympathize.
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:08 PM
Response to Reply #31
32. Oh i know you can, RQ
i remember your troubles...you know the feeling. :hug:
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madrchsod Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:12 PM
Response to Original message
35. well this sort`a fits----
http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/t/thankgodandgr...
THANK GOD AND GREYHOUND
dam you are going to paris!! you don`t need this crap bringing ya down in in paris....when he`s pissed about his weed it`s time to throw his shit on the lawn....i`ve done that and it solved the problem
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unhappycamper Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:16 PM
Response to Original message
36. Do yourself and self-esteem a favor.
Lose this loser.

Get to know yourself for a while before you try another relationship. Figure out what you want in a relationship, what you're willing to tolerate and where you will not compromise.
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:18 PM
Response to Reply #36
38. Oh that's not the problem
I know myself incredibly well, thank you very much, or else i wouldn't be considering dumping his sorry ass. He was the love of my life, since i was 14....these things are hard to end y'know...i know exactly what i want, and this ain't it. It used to be wonderful, until about 8 months ago.
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WI_DEM Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:17 PM
Response to Original message
37. sounds like he is very self absorbed
if he is always like that--dump him--if it's a new thing--try to get to the bottom of it. What type of job does he have that he comes home in the morning and has to go back in the afternoons? is he overworked? is he constantly tired? and by the way, if he wants weed--let him get it for himself.
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:20 PM
Response to Reply #37
39. hehe, he milks cows
and no, it's not new, more like intermittent, with increasing frequency. this just happened to be the worst possible time for him to do it. final straw, baby, fianl straw...
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pdx_prog Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:22 PM
Response to Original message
40. It doesn't sound like a relationship
to me. In a relationship you are supposed to care about and for each other Plus, he sounds insensitive as a damn human being to me...
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:24 PM
Response to Reply #40
41. yep, i agree
believe me, things weren't always like this...but i know i'm better than this, by far.
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Taverner Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:25 PM
Response to Original message
42. Je-Zus CHRIST!
That's all the sympathy you get - fuck that!

He should be there for you...and if he is pressed, the least he could have done is talked about it before he left....

I can't comment on whether to dump him, but sounds like he has some 'splainin to do....

You do deserve better than that...
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:27 PM
Response to Reply #42
44. thanks mark
it wasn't just that he was pressed, it was like my problems just weren't worth his time or energy...he wouldn't come within 10 feet of me, and i'm crying for fuck's sake! fuck him gently with a chainsaw... :P
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Taverner Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:29 PM
Response to Reply #44
47. Hey, that's my catchphrase :)
Edited on Wed Jul-20-05 01:30 PM by Taverner
It sounds funnier when a guy says it anyway ;)

but yes, if you're not worth his time to him, then he's not worth yours...

And you are stunningly beautiful, so finding a replacement won't be a problem for you
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:31 PM
Response to Reply #47
49. well, i am a 'heather'
:P

i agree with your assessment.

and you are such a fucking sweetheart! :hug:
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4_Legs_Good Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:29 PM
Response to Original message
46. Do you have kids?
I think I already know, but I'm not sure. If you don't have kids I'm thinking it's time to go. If you do have kids, then I don't have enough information to really make an appropriate judgement.

david
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:30 PM
Response to Reply #46
48. nope...thank jeebus
no issue there, thankfully
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4_Legs_Good Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:32 PM
Response to Reply #48
50. It's "SEE YA!" then!
And, I agree, announce at least that you want a separation before you go to Paris. I don't know how most people end up getting divorced, but I think there's usually a separation period. Up to you, though.

Regardless, it certainly doesn't sound like you're happy, and I don't see any reason to stay in a relationship that's devoid of happiness. It'd prolly be good for him too.

david
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:34 PM
Response to Reply #50
51. oh we're not married...
all i have to do is throw his shit on the lawn and say buh-bye!
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4_Legs_Good Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:39 PM
Response to Reply #51
56. OMG, then double-plus - SEE YA!!!
You're WAY too good for that.

david
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caty Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:36 PM
Response to Original message
52. First of all,
this is your relationship and no one can make a decision about what to do about it but you. I will say this though, if someone can't help me or give me support when I need it, at least don't make it harder on me. A good relationship is based on the "golden rule". If you want a hug, give a hug. If you want a kiss, give a kiss. If you want respect, give respect. If you want trust,be trusting. If you want faithfulness, be faithful. If you give and don't get anything back--then, why is he there?
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SOteric Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:36 PM
Response to Original message
53. I wouldn't make that decision for anyone else, but I will share
my tools:

First, identify those things you want, and those things you need in a relationship. Make two lists. The things you need are deal-breakers. The things you want are important, but if you have enough in combination, you can be happy without each and every one of them.

Second, identify how many of those things two things you currently (not over a period of time, but right this minute today) have going on in the relationship.

And last but most important, honestly ask yourself whether you can be happy in the relationship or whether you'll be happier without the relationship.

If you've done all that and you don't think there's enough going on to keep you in it, then part as cleanly and quickly as possible.

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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:42 PM
Response to Reply #53
57. Excellent advice as always, SO
and I will take it!

now i know why DS1's so sweet on you...you're the best! :hug:
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Shell Beau Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 01:36 PM
Response to Original message
54. I feel you definitely deserve better.
However, some people don't take sickness, death, other events very well. They don't know how to respond or act. I don't know if this is the case here, but you need someone to comfort you when you are down. Either talk to him about it and tell him how it makes you feel, or get out. You can do better on your own.
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grace0418 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 02:03 PM
Response to Original message
60. It's the bad times that tell you who your friends are.
Believe me, I speak from experience.

It's easy to be a great friend/lover when everyone is happy and doing fine. But bad times are what separate a good friend/lover from a bad one. If he can't be there for you when you need a hug and shoulder to cry on (and you should've have to ask repeatedly), then he sure the hell isn't going to be there when something really bad happens.

Cut your losses sweetie. Find someone who'll be there for you. And when you do, make sure you're there for him too.

Good luck and (((hugs))).
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MrScorpio Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 02:05 PM
Response to Original message
61. I think that you deserve better
I also think that you know already this.
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 02:09 PM
Response to Reply #61
62. yeah, you're right, as always
i just needed to be sure i wasn't crazy, or something :P

love ya baby :hug:
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GOPisEvil Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 02:12 PM
Response to Original message
63. I'd have a hard time loving someone that couldn't work up empathy
to help comfort me if one of my parents were facing a serious illness.

But that's just me. I think you already answered your question about what to do. :)
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 02:19 PM
Response to Reply #63
65. yeah, you get it
when his dad had a heart attack, i was there for him

when his grandpa was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer, i was there for him

when his mom was seriously injured in an accident, i was there for him

see where i'm headed with this?

fuck him, fuck him very much. ;)
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Schema Thing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 02:18 PM
Response to Original message
64. How big is his
heart. That's what you have to ask yourself. :dilemma:
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Pool Hall Ace Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 02:24 PM
Response to Original message
66. It doesn't sound as if he's meeting your needs.
I'm sorry you're going through this. :grouphug:
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hfojvt Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 02:53 PM
Response to Original message
67. which song fits better?
http://www.lyricsvault.net/songs/11461.html

http://www.lyricsondemand.com/h/hamiltonjoefrankandreyn...

I like the 2nd one myself. I would not make a decision when the balance of my mind was disturbed. When you are calmer, just listen to your heart.
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crispini Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 03:01 PM
Response to Original message
68. Um, I hate to bring this up, but here's something you may...
want to look into. If you've been living together for five years, especially if you've been sharing a bank account or anything, and if you live in a common-law marriage state.... you may *have* to get a divorce. This happened to a friend of mine. She was never married, but when the breakup came around, she sure as heck had to get a divorce.

Good luck. Sounds like you are doing the right thing. :hug:
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 03:02 PM
Response to Reply #68
69. On edit:
Edited on Wed Jul-20-05 03:05 PM by bicentennial_baby
Mass. doesn't recognize common law marriage

and i wouldn't share my $$$ with any man, i'm too smart for that. :)
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crispini Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-20-05 03:06 PM
Response to Reply #69
70. Oh, good. One less thing for you to worry about! Whew!
and another :hug:
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