Democratic Underground Latest Greatest Lobby Journals Search Options Help Login
Google

Why do people shove their kids in the faces of people who can't have them?

Printer-friendly format Printer-friendly format
Printer-friendly format Email this thread to a friend
Printer-friendly format Bookmark this thread
This topic is archived.
Home » Discuss » The DU Lounge Donate to DU
 
YellowRubberDuckie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:28 PM
Original message
Why do people shove their kids in the faces of people who can't have them?
I have two friends at work who are having trouble having babies. They are the nicest people you would ever like to meet. One of them is a foster mother, even. And there are women at work who bring their kids up or just shove pictures at them snottily. They always say, "Wanna see the most beautiful kid in the world?" and usually end it by saying, "Don't worry, you'll have some of your own someday." How rude is that!? Why do people think they need to do that shit?! God, If I were that hateful and cruel, I'd beat myself about the head with a bat. And while I understand that a lot people aren't doing it intentionally, one of the women that keeps doing it is doing it because she's just hateful. She has like six kids and enjoys shoving it down people's throats.
Have you heard of people doing this or had it happen to you?
Duckie
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
amazona Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:32 PM
Response to Original message
1. they hate us for our freedom
Yes, people do that to me too, although not as often now that I'm really too old to have a rugrat without advanced scientific intervention. I don't want kids, although I don't tell people that, so I don't care. I think it just burns people's butts that I have more freedom than they do, child care is a lot of work.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
YellowRubberDuckie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:33 PM
Response to Reply #1
3. And a ton of MONEY!
It's ridiculous how much it costs for someone to watch over your children!
Duckie
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
smirkymonkey Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:34 PM
Response to Reply #1
4. I'll second that.
I feel resented by my siblings and other friends for the fact that I have pretty much complete freedom. I don't want kids either, so I don't feel the slightest bit jealous or insecure, but it's rude to do that to people who really do want kids.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Iris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:48 PM
Response to Reply #4
12. Yep. And the irony is, if these women do end up with kids,
the picture-in-the-face group will be the first ones lining up to let them in on how miserable they really are.

Lots of people won't admit they resent having kids to people who don't have kids, but once the deed is done, all bets are off.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
YellowRubberDuckie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:39 PM
Response to Reply #1
8. Self Delete, again...
Edited on Thu Jul-07-05 07:39 PM by YellowRubberDuckie
Goddammit.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
LaurenG Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:32 PM
Response to Original message
2. Because they have no class
No regard for the feelings of others and are trying to make themselves "better" than others. How sad.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
hickman1937 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:36 PM
Response to Original message
5. Some assholes truly can't separate their own needs
from their actions. Their lives are all about justifying their needs. I'm sure those women figured out a real good reason why it would be a good thing to basically say to someone "Look what I can do that you can't." Or "It makes me feel so good to know that I've got something that you don't."
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
China_cat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:36 PM
Response to Original message
6. Best comeback for people
who say 'you'll have some of your own someday' is "not if I can help it". Even if it's not true, it will usually get them off your back.

Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
orpupilofnature57 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:39 PM
Response to Original message
7. How about the guilt laid on those of us that chose not to have children?
I point to people that having children is a noble, but selfish decision. And when I pose the question to Friends why they had children, what bullshit starts to flow.In my experience the main function of children in modern times is Ego, excuse for absenteeism and apathy to the plight of civilization under the guise legitimacy.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
YellowRubberDuckie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:42 PM
Response to Reply #7
9. My uncle says people who doesn't have kids are selfish..
I think people who do are selfish in some ways. With the way things are going, and considering how many kids that are alive today who don't have homes, why would you have your own on purpose? I'm not dissing people who do it, I'm just curious, and don't undestand it. Please don't get offended, it's not intended that way.
Duckie
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Straight Shooter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:48 PM
Response to Reply #9
13. Tell your uncle that breeding is not a virtue.
However, being kind and compassionate and caring about those already in the world is a virtue.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
xmas74 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:50 PM
Response to Reply #9
14. Actually, when times get better for me
(and I hope to see that happen someday) I would like to take in a foster child and eventually adopt someday. I would prefer an older child (I'm not really a baby person) because I know that they have a much lower chance of gaining their own family. I have one of my own right now and would love the chance to open my heart to another child someday.
Right now, times are tough and I just cannot afford the fees that are involved.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Straight Shooter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:15 PM
Response to Reply #14
27. We need more people like you in the world.
Pro-child. :thumbsup:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
xmas74 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 09:11 PM
Response to Reply #27
41. I enjoy being around older children is all.
I don't like babies. I don't think they are all that fun. But I do enjoy being around them when they first become cognizant of the world around them. I like being the person who helps to show them what they can do to make the world a better place.
The best thing I can do to make the world a better place is to take a child out of foster care and give them a real home and a real family. I can teach them that people do care about what happens to them and hopefully teach them to care about what happens to others.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
xmas74 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:47 PM
Response to Reply #7
11. Not me.
I got knocked up. And I was using birth control at the time.
Actually, I use my life sometimes as a cautionary tale for some of my younger coworkers who talk about "keeping" a man w/ a baby. I point out to them that I didn't plan on it in the first place and when I got pregnant I still lost the man (best thing that ever happened to me was getting rid of him).
One of them did listen after staying w/ me for a weekend. She learned that there was nothing noble about having children. And she learned that your selfish ways usually go out the window when you have to decide on doing something you want or buying diapers for the baby.
But every case is different.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
xmas74 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:42 PM
Response to Original message
10. There are people who do it in a hateful manner.
And there are others who do not realize that they have done anything. When you have a child s/he becomes a sort of extension of yourself. You don't even think about it when you mention them.
I was never a kid type of person until I had my daughter. Truthfully, I really don't care for kids all that much even now (except for my own kid-but that is different). I catch myself talking about my kid sometimes at work in the same way that someone would talk about their SO, their hobbies or the great party that they went to the other night. It's just a habit. I don't think that I get rude about it but if I ever did I would want someone to tell me that it upset them.
Pull that bully that you referred to aside sometime and explain to her that it might hurt your coworkers feelings when she makes comments like "You'll have your own someday." She might be a really rude person or she just might not understand how hard the other person has been trying to have a baby of her own (at six kids it might not sink in that others have to try so hard since it comes easy to her). She might look at it in another way or she might not.

It's always worth a shot.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Missy Vixen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:54 PM
Response to Original message
15. They can't help it
>How rude is that!? Why do people think they need to do that shit?!<

It evidently bolsters their non-existent self-esteem so much that they can't wait to rub some other woman's nose in her "failure" to procreate. The only way to put an end to it in the workplace is to get HR involved. Those harassing the two infertile co-workers are creating a hostile work environment. Those stupid enough to make slighting or patronizing comments to me about my lack of progeny typically get a cold stare and an even colder, "Why is that any of your business?"

There are few things more heartbreaking to me than meeting a woman who desperately wants to have a child and can't have one. I'm sending warmth and comfort to the two co-workers, and hoping that they will be blessed with a child to love.

Julie
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
ismnotwasm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:58 PM
Response to Original message
16. Because they're insecure shits
Who project their bullshit through their children. Not healthy, in my opinion. And deliberately cruel people just suck.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
MissB Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:58 PM
Response to Original message
17. Some people just don't think
or they are stupid. Or they are insensitive clods.

The one woman however, is toeing the karmic line.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Spinzonner Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:00 PM
Response to Original message
18. They want to expose their child to the maximum number of antigens

to train their immune systems.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
TK421 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:02 PM
Response to Original message
19. I know people like this and I really want to smack the shit out of them
I know people who believe they have special status in society just because they decided not to use birth control, and it really blows my mind. I'm sorry about your friends, they should really say something to the bitch showing off her kids pictures. Sounds like the kids are the only positive thing going for these women in their lives.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:02 PM
Response to Original message
20. "Look! I fucked! Aren't I special! Applaud me because the only thing
Edited on Thu Jul-07-05 08:04 PM by Rabrrrrrr
that's worth bragging about in my empty, vapid, useless life is the fact that I fucked successfully!"

Not everyone who has kids like that is that way, obviously; I've found that the people who have interesting lives outside their children don't act that way at all. But the people with otherwise empty, uninteresting lives are the ones that have to push the "see the picture!" and "My kid did this...." and "My kid did that...." and "You should have kids, too..." and "Someday you're life will be complete..." bullshit.

When I worked in the consulting firm, with highly educated people leading intersting lives, the only ones who did the child bullshit were some of the secretaries for whom the job was just a job, and the rest of their life was doing noting of interest.

Not a single consultant, not even the ones my age with small children, ever pulled that crap. They had the kids' pictures on their desks, for sure, and left to go do things iwth their kids at schools and whatnot, but never pulled that "You gotta have kids!" or "Without kids there is no fulfillment" or "Look at how precious my kids are!" or "my kids my kids my kids" crap.

Same with other groups of people I've been involved with in churches, outside churches, workplaces, organizations, whatever. People with interesting lives, with lives that mean something, don't pull the kid bullshit.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
TK421 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:09 PM
Response to Reply #20
22. Heres what I say when these imbeciles shove those pictures at me...
"Is that him? My God...thats the cutest Downs Syndrome kid I've ever seen!" :evilgrin:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:41 PM
Response to Reply #22
37. LOL!
"Oh, my - you must be saving up for the all the therapy he's gonna need before he starts school, huh? Wow, I didn't know you had it so hard at home."

What a great response!!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
TK421 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:43 PM
Response to Reply #37
38. Thank you, thank you!!! I'm here on Tuesdays as well
:+
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
TK421 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:09 PM
Response to Reply #20
23. Heres what I say when these imbeciles shove those pictures at me...
"Is that him? My God...thats the cutest Downs Syndrome kid I've ever seen!" :evilgrin:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
TK421 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:09 PM
Response to Reply #23
24. sorry about that
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:46 PM
Response to Reply #24
39. No you're not - you're just pushing it in my face that you can post twice
when I can only *sniff* *sniff* post once...

:cry:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
TK421 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:49 PM
Response to Reply #39
40. This has happened before....I don't know what the hell happened
:shrug: But this computer IS running a bit slow. I'm not special, so don't feel bad about not being able to post twice
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
SarahB Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:03 PM
Response to Original message
21. Here we go...
Edited on Thu Jul-07-05 08:09 PM by SarahBelle
I keep my mouth shut a lot on here about this issue because I don't expect people to feel the same way about my children (or children in general) as I do (I've been a teacher, worked with newborns, and currently work in pediatric medicine) and while I'm going to use as much tact as possible around someone with fertility issues, I certainly wouldn't hide the fact I'm a mom or pretend like my children don't exist. It's a huge part of who I am. I've made a lot of sacrifices for my children. I don't expect a medal. It was my duty and my privilege.

It sounds as though this person didn't think and that she may have been saying what she said in an insensitive manner, but people shouldn't be vilified for loving or taking pride in their children either. Her behavior isn't excusable, but every time a thread like this is posted, here comes the breeder's-suck-and-are-stupid comments. It gets a little old. :eyes:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
ismnotwasm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:14 PM
Response to Reply #21
26. It's possible the one woman isn't being an ass on purpose
I'm a mom too, but I try to use active listening when someone is going through the pain of infertility. I haven't experienced it obviously, but I understand it's horrible to go through. I wouldn't flash pictures of (soon to be) my newborn grandson, for instance. I know some women who have devoted their entire lives to their children, great moms-- I understand your point, trust me. But what the folks tell me who have experienced infertility, it's like living in a different world, you look at the world everyone else is part of, and feel like you don't belong. It's really hard on some folks.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
SarahB Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:17 PM
Response to Reply #26
28. I know what you're saying.
I have no problem with Duckie's original post. It's the jerkwads who jump on the bandwagon of how stupid people are who have children every time stuff like this is posted that pisses me off. I hope they've all gotten their vasectomies and tubal ligations and not to join the ranks of us morons. :eyes:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Missy Vixen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:24 PM
Response to Reply #21
32. There's a difference between
those who show photos and share the accomplishments of their children as part of who they are, and those who do it to be hurtful to someone who, for whatever reason, can't have (and desperately wants,) a child.

>I certainly wouldn't hide the fact I'm a mom or pretend like my children don't exist.<

Nobody would expect any parent to do so.

Here's an example. I own a business in a building also housing several other shop owners. The woman across the hall has two grown children and a couple of grandkids. Her children and grandchildren come up often in her conversation, as they are a very close and loving family. I enjoy interacting with her family; they're nice people. I have never felt that she thinks me a lesser person because of my life's choices.

There's another woman in the same building. Her conversation consists solely of her kids. Her kids. Her kids. She has no other topic. She is completely uninterested in the lives of anyone else here. After awhile, I just tune her out.

Julie



Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
marzipanni Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:11 PM
Response to Original message
25. As a woman who didn't have a kid 'til I was almost 44
I can appreciate what your co-workers are going through.
Once, during my ten years of not getting pregnant, after work I stopped at a little bar in our town with my husband to have a beer. A woman who was sitting next to us who we were chatting with suddenly said, "Want to see a picture of my pride and joy?!" I thought it was a bit strange until she produced this photo from her wallet:

and we all laughed.
Here is the place to get one, also another- "Want to see a picture of my kids?", and the two cute kids in the photo are baby goats. I would fend off pushy people with a bit off humor.
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.magic...
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
blondeatlast Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:18 PM
Response to Original message
29. I'm guilty and it's eaten me up inside for years. I'm SOOO dreadfully sorr
Carmen.

We bought our house from a couple that discovered they were pregnant. They wanted a bigger house, so they were selling this one, which was perfect for my small family.

After we closed, we met the couple here to get the keys and offer good wishes on a happy occasion for all of us.

The wife and I got to talking, and I started talking about my blessed little boy, and how lucky I was, as I had an extremely high risk pregnancy. She shared my joy, cooed over my son, all was great.

After we left, our real estate agent told us that she had just miscarried a few nights previous.

I burst out crying. I felt absolutely horrible. I felt like I shoved a knife into her, I felt that awful.

Said woman is the manager of our favorite bank branch and I am happy to say she has had a successful birth, but it never takes away from the guilt I carry every time I see her.

What you describe is hideous. It's almost mean-spirited, IMHO. Again, I am VERY fortunate to have my child, so I think I'm far more sensitive than most moms to this behavior.

Methinks she is a professional mom, and chances are that is the only thing she feels she can be proud of. That's just nasty and inconsiderate of her.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Name removed Donating Member (0 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:18 PM
Response to Original message
30. Deleted message
Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.
 
mcscajun Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:19 PM
Response to Original message
31. Another answer to the pushy parents...
Their line: "Don't worry, you'll have some of your own someday."

Response: "What? And Give Up All My Privacy, Freedom and Money? No Thanks."

:bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
blondeatlast Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:26 PM
Response to Original message
33. I'm guilty and it's eaten me up inside for years. I'm SOOO dreadfully sorr
Carmen.

We bought our house from a couple that discovered they were pregnant. They wanted a bigger house, so they were selling this one, which was perfect for my small family.

After we closed, we met the couple here to get the keys and offer good wishes on a happy occasion for all of us.

The wife and I got to talking, and I started talking about my blessed little boy, and how lucky I was, as I had an extremely high risk pregnancy. She shared my joy, cooed over my son, all was great.

After we left, our real estate agent told us that she had just miscarried a few nights previous.

I burst out crying. I felt absolutely horrible. I felt like I shoved a knife into her, I felt that awful.

Said woman is the manager of our favorite bank branch and I am happy to say she has had a successful birth, but it never takes away from the guilt I carry every time I see her.

What you describe is hideous. It's almost mean-spirited, IMHO. Again, I am VERY fortunate to have my child, so I think I'm far more sensitive than most moms to this behavior.

Methinks she is a professional mom, and chances are that is the only thing she feels she can be proud of. That's just nasty and inconsiderate of her.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Tsiyu Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:28 PM
Response to Original message
34. That's just plain psycopathic
It always bothers me when people do stupid, thoughtless shit. This is no exception.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
jmm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:31 PM
Response to Original message
35. Have you ever said anything to them about it?
If I were you I would. Sure maybe they are obnoxious but these parents might be honestly oblivious to how they are hurting those who are having trouble having babies.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
scarlet_owl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:37 PM
Response to Original message
36. Tell me about it.
I can't have kids and some people can be very cruel. What I really hate are the people that tell me that I will have one when I least expect it. NOT FUCKING BLOODY LIKELY! They don't know my situation and think that telling me that is comforting. Just the opposite.

I haven't let the fact that I can't have children of my own stop me from being a mom. My foster care classes start in October.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
prole_for_peace Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 09:25 PM
Response to Original message
42. these are the same women that will tell pregnancy horror stories
to an newly pregnant woman.

it amazes me to listen to the women that i work with. i don't have kids and don't want any (something they find very hard to believe). all they can talk about is their kids. if i start a conversation about something it always gets turned to what the damn kids did or said or whatever. so i have started contributing to the kid conversations by saying stuff like "she really did that? so cute. last night my CATS were..." and then i just go on. some people act put out that i equate my animals with their kids but that is their problem.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
progmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 09:28 PM
Response to Original message
43. do the picture-shovers know the shovees are having trouble conceiving?
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
really annoyed Donating Member (650 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 09:51 PM
Response to Original message
44. It's Funny
The women I work with have told me many times NOT to have children. All of them are married w/kids. :silly:

Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Redstone Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 09:52 PM
Response to Original message
45. Oh, God, spare me. Not this again.
Redstone
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
DS1 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 09:52 PM
Response to Original message
46. Because "we don't get it"
Quite simply. And they do, in their own minds.

Who knows, maybe we don't "get it", but if that's the way they're going to enlighten me, I don't want to know!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
DU AdBot (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view 
this author's profile Click to add 
this author to your buddy list Click to add 
this author to your Ignore list Thu Nov 27th 2014, 01:50 PM
Response to Original message
Advertisements [?]
 Top

Home » Discuss » The DU Lounge Donate to DU

Powered by DCForum+ Version 1.1 Copyright 1997-2002 DCScripts.com
Software has been extensively modified by the DU administrators


Important Notices: By participating on this discussion board, visitors agree to abide by the rules outlined on our Rules page. Messages posted on the Democratic Underground Discussion Forums are the opinions of the individuals who post them, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Democratic Underground, LLC.

Home  |  Discussion Forums  |  Journals |  Store  |  Donate

About DU  |  Contact Us  |  Privacy Policy

Got a message for Democratic Underground? Click here to send us a message.

© 2001 - 2011 Democratic Underground, LLC