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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 02:41 PM
Original message
Horoscopes for Christian Fundamentalists
From a funny site: give me your sign and I give you their horoscope.
sorry only 12.

Mine

Leo (July 23-August 22) The party you go to this week will prove to be the usual dull affair of watching your friend's fat kids shovel hot dogs down their throats followed by a round of Parcheesi, but at least nothing that transpires there will endanger your future reward of an eternity in heaven spent screaming in peoples' faces - Tonight: Bake a cake for Jesus
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spinbaby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 02:42 PM
Response to Original message
1. I'm Aquarius
What's my horrorscope?
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 02:45 PM
Response to Reply #1
4. Aquarius
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Despite all the lengths electronics manufacturers and the government have gone to in order to introduce devices that allow you the discretion of controlling what your family sees and hears on TV and radio, you insist upon promoting your theory that there is a time and a place for people to experience media you disagree with: Never and nowhere - Tonight: Be on the lookout for manifestations of biblical icons in your food
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tk2kewl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 02:43 PM
Response to Original message
2. Libra?
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 02:46 PM
Response to Reply #2
5. Libra
Libra (September 23 - October 23) Your belief that nobody is more fearful and pure than you is shaken when your spouse takes to sucking a pacifier, babbling incoherently and shitting his pants constantly - Tonight: Dress up as your favorite apostle
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tk2kewl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 02:47 PM
Response to Reply #5
6. LOL
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Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 02:44 PM
Response to Original message
3. Sagittarius, though why not just post the whole damn twelve?
And actually, I'm on Opiuchus.
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 02:47 PM
Response to Reply #3
7. Do not damn the 12 you sinner, here yours
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21) Finally fed up with all these environmentalists impeding the arrival of the Rapture, you'll spend an afternoon running around town in a frenzy, knocking over every recycling container you see - Tonight: Discover the gay agenda of something
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Catfight Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 02:56 PM
Response to Original message
8. Taurus-can you please share the site? nt
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 03:00 PM
Response to Reply #8
9. sharing is not one of the values for the religious right
Here's yours
Taurus (April 21 - May 21) After a natural disaster hits a part of the country with a high gay population you will become too preoccupied writing a violent screed to your local paper arguing your theory that God hates homosexuals to notice the huge tornado bearing down on your trailer park - Tonight: Pray like there's no tomorrow

No, really I'll share but let me get a little play out of it.
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Catfight Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 03:17 PM
Response to Reply #9
10. I thought God hated trailer parks and the old people in them? nt
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 03:21 PM
Response to Reply #10
12. you haven't chastised in awhile so watch it. n/t
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 03:59 PM
Response to Reply #8
16. here is the site/ science fair included
other titles

Baptist Science Fair 2004


Grammar School Division
1st Prize: Broken Bottle in Freezer Proves Gods Might and Fury by Megan Powell
3rd grader Megan Powell demonstrated that a glass bottle full of water placed into a freezer overnight invariably breaks by morning. Megans experiment successfully proves that our God is a vengeful God who invented ice cube trays for a reason. Excellent job Megan!


2nd Prize: Dissected Cats Show the Miracle of Gods Creation by Bill Frist III


5th Grader Bill Frist Jr. demonstrated Gods potential for miraculously complex creation by dissecting and examining several dozen stray cats. Billy went above and beyond expectations by starting his project several months before the fair was even announced and dedicating many long hours to his work. According to Billy, his favorite part of the project was, The sound their skulls would make when Id swing em by their tail and smash their heads against the side of the house. Hope your grandpa didnt help too much, Billy!

3rd Prize: Negative Stimuli, Positive Results: Masturbation Habits Reduced in Gerbils with Electric Shock Daniel McPhee


5th Grader Daniel McPhees experiment demonstrates the beneficial potential of aversive stimuli in the treatment of aberrant behavior. Mr. McPhees study showed that auto-erotic stimulation by libidinous gerbils could be reduced by over 60% in a mere months time by inconsistently punishing the animal performing the elicit behavior with a moderate electric shock. Encouraged by his successful research, the enterprising young Mr. McPhee expressed his intention to invent a product that could do for children what he did for the gerbils. He proclaimed, Whether youre a human or a gerbil, masturbation is a sin in the eyes of the Lord, and although Im happy that my work may have helped a few gerbils avoid the tortures of hell, Id be much more happy if my work could earn millions of children passes into heaven.



High School Division
1st Prize: Inferiority of Homosexuals Scientifically Proven with Competitive Sports Contests by Matthew Watson

10th Grader Matthew Watson sought to prove his hypothesis that hell bound homosexual vermin are inferior to normal God fearing people by pitting gay boys against straight Christian boys in a variety of sporting competitions. The results were revealing, if not somewhat predictable:

The heterosexuals beat the gay boys 21-0 in a basketball match.

In the 100 yard dash, a heterosexual runner outpaced his homosexual rival by over six minutes after the queer boy stopped less than midway through the race to pick a flower, and then again before the finish line to change into a new pair of shorts.

In boxing, the treacherousness of the common homosexual was illustrated when, after having knocked down the straight fighter three times, the gay fighter was disqualified for cheating somehow.

Least surprised by the results was Mr. Watson himself, who described his feelings regarding the outcome of his project as, "Being sort of like what Newton probably felt like when he did his work on gravity. Everyone intuitively knew it existed, it just hadn't been proven scientifically."


2nd Prize: Christian Americans are the Chosen People by Melanie Pierce

This uniquely inspired study presents a confluence of verifiable cultural, economic and epidemiological data from an array of sources to construct a valid comparable analysis that illustrates beyond any doubt that the fundamental tenets of Christian America are correct, and that its adherents are indeed the Chosen People of God.
Ms. Pierces work culls relevant facts and statistics such as the vast discrepancies between the average personal income of Christian Americans and their godless counterparts in communist nations such as the former Soviet Union and China, the disparity in HIV infection rates between Christian Americans and homosexuals, and the stark contrast in caloric intake of food between Christian Americans and Muslims, Hindus and Buddhists around the world into a cogent study that ultimately verifies her hypothesis that she is right.


3rd Prize: Tornados Staved off by the Power of Prayer by Kirsten Hyde

This miraculously marvelous project proves the power of prayer to persuade our punitive and mighty Lord. 12th Grader Mrs. Hyde put her faith successfully to the test when she, along with her husband and eldest daughter, began seven months ago to supplicate God with daily entreaties to spare their trailer park from being devastated by a tornado. Her results were stunning. Not only has her familys trailer park not been leveled by a tornado since the inception of her project (seven months being almost double the amount of time shes lived in one place before having her dwelling destroyed by a tornado), but a resource center for queers in her town caught fire and burned down two weeks ago.
















http://www.newsmutiny.com/pages/FundamentalHoroscopes.h...
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One_Life_To_Give Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 03:20 PM
Response to Original message
11. Horoscope = Devil Worship
No fundy should ever engage in such behaviour. Quick run and repent your sins lest you be eternally damned.
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 03:25 PM
Response to Reply #11
13. This was approved by Landover Baptist
since you already eternally damned for reading these horoscopes it is too late for you to run.
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supernova Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 03:25 PM
Response to Original message
14. What does the Cancer horoscope say?
Mine is now.
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 03:29 PM
Response to Reply #14
15. And you need to do something about now also.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You'll have a hard time deciding between the possibilities that either evolution is real or God hates you after a common Staph infection fails to respond to antibiotics and devours your entire leg - Tonight: Your suspicions that your child's pet hamster is possessed by the devil are valid - you know what you need to do
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underpants Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 04:03 PM
Response to Original message
17. Aries
:o
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Bunny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 04:08 PM
Response to Reply #17
18. Another Aries here!
:D
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 04:46 PM
Response to Reply #17
22. since all aires will burn in hell here you go.
Aries (March 21 - April 20) Even though it will turn out she was merely waiting for the bus, you'll glow with pride this weekend when your six year- old douses a girl's blouse with blood outside an abortion clinic - Tonight: Reach out to a family member you haven't chastised in awhile and give them an earful
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Reverend_Smitty Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:46 PM
Response to Reply #22
31. ROFL
Yeah that's pretty much me :P Now who shall I yell at tonight?
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:51 PM
Response to Reply #31
34. The reverend is obviously not a reverend of the smitty
try chastising yourself in the mirror if you can't find a love one.
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youthere Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 04:16 PM
Response to Original message
19. Gemini?
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 04:25 PM
Response to Reply #19
21. You need less urges
Gemini (May 22 - June 21) You and your friends will be outraged when the judge dismisses your defense that, in accordance with Exodus 35:2, it was your pious obligation to murder that Chinese family for operating their donut shop on a Sunday - Tonight: Resist any and all biological urges. Yes, even those...
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youthere Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:43 PM
Response to Reply #21
30. Damned Activist Judges!
They shall know the fury of the Lord!
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:48 PM
Response to Reply #30
32. You obviously enjoy your donuts on sunday......now go and resist those
biological urges....you know what I'm talking about, it could be either number 1 or 2 or even
those that create number 1 or two.
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TrogL Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 04:23 PM
Response to Original message
20. This has always confused me
Fundies seem to really be into astrology, despite the fact that it is demonic.
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 04:48 PM
Response to Reply #20
23. Your demonistic urges reveal you as an unbeliever.
you must not even have a birth date being one of the minions of satan.
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Iris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 04:48 PM
Response to Original message
24. can't you post the link?
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 04:51 PM
Response to Reply #24
25. its in the thread n/t
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Iris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 08:11 PM
Response to Reply #25
36. ok. Thanks. Although you're "ask the wizard" thread is a lot of fun!
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:30 PM
Response to Reply #24
26. any other sinners?
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LaurenG Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:33 PM
Response to Reply #26
27. Virgo,
Where is Virgo in all this?
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:38 PM
Response to Reply #27
28. Your son needs a beating.....so rent a movie
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) - Things will never be the same between you and your 13 year-old son after you realize he's bound for hell upon witnessing him humping the living room carpet while secretly watching Days of Our Lives

- Tonight: Reenact notable scenes from The Passion of the Christ with friends and family
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LaurenG Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:39 PM
Response to Reply #28
29. lolol
Thanks so much, good laugh!
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Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:50 PM
Response to Original message
33. Here's my horoscope for the Christian Fundamentalists:
Whatever your zodiacal sign, this is your horoscope: You are a hypocrite and a pharisee, a zealot asshole who is so far from the message of God you might as well be an atheist. In your future, I see continued asshole zealotry, misguided faith, and hatefilled decision-making that you will falsely and hypocritically claim to be "faithful". If Jesus were alive today, you would be the loudest to shout for his crucifixion and the first to string him up. Asshole.
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IChing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-07-05 07:53 PM
Response to Reply #33
35. "See aries" I think I found your sign.
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