Need Some Advice About Online Friends

[AutumnMist]

Almost four years ago I met my friend Jane. Its not her real name but you get the jest. We met on a message board for mothers when our children where both very young infants. We have met in person and her family has stayed at our home many times. I have always trusted her and what she has said about her home life. I have been there for her and her family. Tonight I sent some pictures of our new furniture and what we have done to the house in terms of remodeling. This was through a chat program that I sent the pictures, her family hadn't been here since we first moved in. She sent a message to me describing her new furniture and what she had done to her home. Well it was the same as what I had done. She didn't realize that she had sent the message to me. She was chatting with others as we talked online. She was sending my pictures out as her own, and describing what we had done in our own home to whom she thought was someone else. All she said was "oops, you weren't meant to see that!". And then proceeded to act like nothing happened. I asked her about it bluntly and she acted like it wasn't even an issue? I am more than a little pissed about this. Why the big story about her life and home? And why would she keep my pictures and use them for her own benefit? I caught her in the lie and now she just doesn't want to talk about it. Grrrrrrr. I can only hope that we represent ourselves in an honest way online, just as much as we do in person. That kind of bullshit gets under my skin. What would you do?

[Crazy Guggenheim]

1. Gone!

[bobbieinok]

2. this sounds eery....like maybe she's pretending to be you ..b/c she's

unhappy with her life or something

seems a bit more than just goofing around

[seriousstan]

3. Adios

She is willing to co-op your life. What else of yours may she feel entitled to?

[crispini]

4. Drop her like a bad potato!

Anyone who would do that has issues. And not back issues of National Geographic either. I'd avoid her.

[Der Blaue Engel]

5. That is a little freaky weird

It might be that she's embarrassed about not having nice things and just did this once and now is really embarrassed to have been caught at it.

Or it might be she's a pathological liar. Hard to say.

[AutumnMist]

8. I Don't Know

and to be honest I am a little stunned by it. Her family has always been trying to make ends meet. My family is not much better, we do the same. I have never had this happen before with someone I have met online. We have spent time together as well in person and she always seemed like such a sweet and really honest person. I have tried to help with her autistic son and help her family in general. My husband and I sent her family christmas presents last year. And we bought things for all the kids for winter. She told us the kids wouldn't have anything for christmas at all. So we spent our christmas money for the family. No big deal. We have what we need. But I am beginning to wonder what this is all about?

[REP]

21. Maybe Her "Nothing for Xmas" Story Is Someone Else's, Too

I would never, never, never, never, never ever give someone I 'knew' online money, especially if it meant that I or someone in *my* family had to do without. Anyone can be anyone on the internet, and sad stories are a dime a dozen. Sounds like you are getting played. Write it off as tuition at the School of Experience and move on.

[AutumnMist]

22. I Had Met Her and Her Family

at that point. We(my family)had a Christmas, but it was for our daughter. I don't mind giving up a new crock pot if a child needs a winter coat. Internet or not. Very true what you said though. Just shocked I guess? Thank you for your input! It's much appreciated.

[REP]

25. Meeting Once or Twice Isn't Really Knowing

I'm not jumping your ass - I just hate to see well-meaning people get taken advantage of like that. Someone can keep up their internet identity for a meeting or three and yank the heartstrings about li'l Johnny needing winter clothes, etc. Unless internet friend becomes a normal real life friend who's seen on a regular basis, it might not be a bad idea to take any tale that sounds like a solicitation for funds with a grain of salt.

[amazona]

32. oops so she DID get gifts out of you, wow

She's a con artist. And you got robbed. You won't get back what you bought for the "autistic" kid. Probably was pawned or sold through the classifieds to pay for her drug problem. I know a woman who does exactly the same thing. Ouch.

Unfortunately, having a good heart makes us prime targets for the con artists. I'm sorry this happened to you. I wonder if the autistic son even exists.

My friend had an autistic son hidden away for a decade. Supposedly. Now that we've actually met him, hmm, the autism has mysteriously vanished. How does that work? She should bottle it.

You were had. Move on. There is nothing to wonder about. You were cheated and you won't be the first or last victim. These people are very good at what they do.

[LoZoccolo]

6. That's either really weird...

...or she was showing what you wrote to someone else. My dad used to get a Christmas card from this guy's family who was his friend in high school, and his wife would write it...it was one of those things where they tell you what the family's doing and it's supposed to be a little funny too...some people call these "brag and gag" letters. Anyways, my mom used to make fun of their brag and gag and would read it to other people for amusement purposes, like get a load of what this woman sends us. I'm not saying that this is what's happening here, but that there would be other reasons to forward something to someone other than to impersonate them.

[snickersnee]

7. i think you should buy matching wigs and outfits...

...so that you can be twins!!!

but that's only if life has lost all its appeal. Otherwise, ruuUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuun!!!

[AutumnMist]

12. No Thank You! :)

[Maddy McCall]

9. Ever see that movie Single White Female?

I'd END that relationship.

[Floogeldy]

10. No reason to be pissed.

Pity or laughter might be in order, though.

[AutumnMist]

11. Possibly

but right now I am hurt. In the morning maybe I can find the humor in it. At the moment however, miffed is what I feel.

[Bouncy Ball]

13. Drop her like a bad habit.

That's just fucking creepy and messed the hell up.

Nope, I don't hang out with known pathological liars. Drop her. Yesterday. You even gave her a chance to fess up and apologize and she didn't.

Egads.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

14. Sounds like she's using a fantasy life to escape reality

I think you should be up front with her, and tell her you feel very uncomfortable continuing your friendship under the circumstances.

Give her the opportunity to explain her actions, and maybe have a therapist referral ready to offer her.

[AutumnMist]

16. Wise Words

Thank You! I don't know what I want at the moment. She had the chance to explain and has chosen to not address it. I will think about it. The input is always appreciated however.

[all.of.me]

28. i agree with this advice

flat out ask her why she did that, give her the chance to explain, then explain that it's not the kind of friendship you envision for yourself and good-bye. i'm sorry this happened to you, but nip it in the bud before it gets worse.

[amazona]

34. NO WAY -- never engage these people

They are very, very, very convincing. Never give them a chance to explain. THis is how you wake up and 25 years later the pathological liar is still in your life. I'm going through this NOW -- the 25 years later part too.

There is no treatment for being a con artist. Therapy doesn't cure them, it just gives them access to new and different Rxs. And it gives them another excuse for their actions -- "well, I have a pituitary tumor so..." "well, I'm bipolar so..." and on and on and on.

She'd be better advised to just shoot herself now than to discuss her decision to end the friendship with the con artist.
|
Any discussion prolongs the friendship, it doesn't end it.

Study the psychology of sales. As long as the customer keeps standing there saying "no," he is open to breaking down and being persuaded to say "yes."

For her own financial if not emotional and physical safety, she should walk away with no further engagement. Block emails, don't pick up the phone, call the police if the woman comes to her house, get a restraining order if the woman stalks her.

If you're unwillng to do this, the con artist always returns. She's gotten goodies out of this woman's kind heart again, so she will be motivated to check out the trapline from time to time to see if there is more.

Learn from my awful experience. Somebody has to.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

36. Unless the pathological liar can acknowledge they have a problem

If Autumn Mist confronts her, she'll present an opportunity for the woman to face her illness and deal with it. Ignoring her will simply send her to another victim somewhere.

Certainly she's not to be trusted, and every caution must be employed to ensure that this woman does not continue to con Autumn Mist and her family. But if there's a chance that Autumn Mist can get through to her enough to set her on a path where she no longer cons herself, there will at least have been a positive product from the suffering.

Of course, this requires energy and effort that Autumn Mist may not, understandably, wish to expend. It changes the relationship entirely, just as an extramarital affair would change the relationship between husband and wife. It's up to Autumn Mist to choose whether the friendship is worth the trouble or not.

[amazona]

39. oh for cryin' out loud !

There is nothing cheaper than for the pathological liar to acknowledge she has a problem!

Don't even go there.

Why does everyone have to learn the hard way? Well, I did too, and I'm paying for it now.

Yes, of course, I would hope it goes without saying the only Autumn Mist can make the final decision but there is NO CHANCE -- none, zero, zilcho, won't happen, the parrot is dead, Jim -- that the pathological liar's weeping and begging for forgiveness will do anything to change the con artist's life. These people don't change. Why should they? Being "understood," helped, pitied, discussed, talked to, "confronted" is giving them a drama reward. It makes them the center of attention.

Autumn Mist should save herself and her own family. I'd tell anybody in this situation to do the same.

Nothing good comes of confronting these people. You might as well ask gravity to consider its ways and stop sucking people down to earth so hard.

You can confront a 2 year old confabulator and change her life. Not an adult.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

41. I don't agree at all...

I've been there too...with a heroin-addicted friend who bilked us out of $50 here and there until we caught on.

I'm sorry your experience was negative. Certainly, it won't work 100% of the time. But that doesn't mean that trying is not worth the effort.

[bridgit]

15. "under your skin"? that's putting it mildly...

that's just flat-ass bizarre

[AutumnMist]

17. Very Mild :)

But at the moment I am still trying to process what the hell just happened. This is someone who I have known for years. I am pissed, very hurt, and wondering what she is all about. I will curse and shout when its not 2 am. Sleep lends to a much sharper reaction. Have a good night!

[bridgit]

18. well, you bet'cha hurt & pissed...

the 'sorting out process' is vital, i shouldn't act like such a tough'y cause people sometimes get to me too until i get my mind all the way around some of what they are trying to pull. i'm getting better at it though = you have a lovely evening as well

[LeftyMom]

19. Drop her like a bad habit

I had something vaugely similar happen once, I sent a pic (clothed, rather attractive but not actively sexy) to one person I chatted with frequently online. Apparently it got around, a few months later the same pic was emailed to an IRL friend by a third party claiming it was thier pic.

Why do people do shit like that? I don't know, honestly I feel a bit bad for them, clearly they live sad lives if they have nothing better to do that decieve people they only know online.

Really you just have to assume your information will get around if you share it and keeep that in mind in what you share. Do your best to exclude people you know to be dishonest.

[bliss_eternal]

20. A true friend wouldn't do such a thing.

I'm very sorry that you went through this. I know what it's like to feel like you are growing close to someone and forging a real friendship, only to have them betray you in some weird way.

There's a lot of people out there w/poor social skills that utilize internet communities as a way to create relationships. Sadly a lot of these people seem insipid and thrive on the very kinds of behaviour you describe.

I could tell you stories of things I've seen women do to one another within internet communities that would truly shock you. I know they shocked me.

I'm not trying to make light of your situation. I just wanted you to know, you probably aren't the first person she's done this to, and unfortunately you won't be the last. Just don't let her close enough to you to hurt you this way again.

I'm very sorry she hurt you--she doesn't deserve your loyalty or friendship.

[Melynn]

23. She sounds nuts to me.

I would leave her alone.

[Lex]

30. I agree. Her behavior is not normal.

I'd leave her alone too. Something is weird with her.

[roguevalley]

24. someone on my dachsie list posed as a swat cop and got caught

when the members innocently called the police department that she said she worked for and found out. Very sad when people do this.

[Patiod]

26. Off topic, but what dachsie list, RV?

I used to hang out at one of those lists back in the 90's when the internet was young and my mother had just gotten a new dachsie puppy, Frankie.

I remember that one person had a dachsie that she used as a search-and-rescue dog, and that she had to deal with quite a bit of mockery from the owners of larger S&R dogs.

Also, my S.O. always fond the concept of the Dachshund Underground Railway to be wildly amusing - he had this imitation he did of dachshunds in disguise.

[newportdadde]

27. Sounds weird.

I would just slowly let that friendship die off. Before you know it she will get her haircut like yours etc.

[Shell Beau]

29. See ya! That is what I would say. Liars suck!

And that is creepy too.

[amazona]

31. Well don't trust her any more

Pathological liars need a continuing supply of new friends, and online is a good place to look after they burn out everyone in their own neighborhood. I'd just stay away from the lady from here on out. I'm quite confident everything she told you about her own life is quite likely a total lie. I don't feel like sharing my own experience, but at least she didn't get any money out of you. Yet.

[Mizmoon]

33. I personally know a woman who was raped by someone she met online

It's a scary world and other people's motive are unfathomable.

Since this is a shocking post I'll give a few details: it was a man she met on AOL IM. He had been talking to her for months while she was ill with pneumonia. When she was well enough to leave the house he offered to take her out to dinner. She met him there just to be safe. He must have put something in her drink because she didn't remember much after that. No, she never pressed charges - she waited too long out of fear, shame, and humilation and no longer had any proof.

Be careful ... and stay away from that strange woman. Who knows what she's up to ...

[Samurai_Writer]

35. Run away... FAR away... from this woman

She's clearly either delusional, a pathological liar, or so involved in fantasy that even when confronted with the reality of her lies, she acts as if it doesn't exist. I knew someone like that. I was married to him. It was 2 1/2 years of pure hell. These people are VERY convincing and will NEVER give up their fantasies, even when confronted with reality.

[XemaSab]

37. Freak! Freak! Freak!

Run the other way!

[pdx_prog]

38. Forget about it.....

and stay as far away from chat rooms as possible...life is too short...

[LaurenG]

40. That is a very sad story

I feel really bad just reading it. You have every right to be upset but I think this poor thing has no life, no self esteem and probably little assets. She lives in a make believe world. Be kind to her, but I would probably move on if she can't be honest with you or herself.

[tonekat]

42. People can be anything they want to be on the net

And you have discovered that now. Get her out of your life ASAP.