Please excuse me while I rant about my life

[Not_Giving_Up]

I do believe that I am officially losing my mind this time. I just want to scream and yell and jump up and down and throw things. Of course, since I am a responsible adult with two children, I will not act in this manner. Instead, I will vent here before the top of my head blows off.

My life sucks. If you don't believe me, just read on, you will believe before this is over. I think I'm going to do this in list form, as my quasi-Aspie mind is begging for some kind of order in this chaos.

1. My marriage sucks. Yes, we're seeing a therapist. The therapist gave us a book to read about a very intense program that involves each individual finding his/her inner child in order to resolve conflicts. I read the book cover to cover, and a lot of it made sense. He asked for a summary of the book 30 minutes before we went to the session last week, then said he didn't think that would fix our problems. Oh yeah, he thinks our only problem is the lack of sex.

2. I am forced to be financially responsible for the family of 4 humans, 3 cats, and 1 bird. He is bi-polar, but refuses to get treatment for it. Therefore, he is generally too depressed to leave the couch (unless, of course, one of his friends wants to play). At the same time, I have no say in decisions that are made about the household. For instance, I opened mail addressed to him, and it was telling me that he's switched our electric provider to some company that came knocking on the door. I knew that he'd talked to a guy from this company one day while I was gone, because the guy came by later to drop off information. I had no idea that the lights (in MY name) had been switched to another company (presumably in HIS name, since that's who the mail was addressed to).

3. If I don't do it, it won't get done. If I kick back and don't do the dishes or the laundry or whatever the chore, it just sits there until I get up and do it. Other members of the household will complain (I'm out of socks, there are no clean spoons), but will not do anything to remedy the problem.

4. He requires 12 hours of sleep a day, minimum. If I sleep beyond 5 hours a night, I wake up to the children, fighting over the fact that they have to breathe the same air. They won't wake Daddy - he's sleeping. (WTF was I doing???) Oh, and he partakes in hibernation on the couch. The rest of us should fucking tiptoe accordingly.

5. I lost my job after going back to work from an extended medical leave. The financial situation we are in is not at all his fault, it is all my fault. We should not consider that he quit his job one week after I got out of the hospital (three weeks before I was able to return to work). He has not made a move to get a job, while I spend hours online every day looking for work. I'm drawing unemployment, he's not.

I'm going to stop now, for the moment, and breathe.

If you know me, then you know that I'd be out of here if I could. If you don't know the history, I will say this - there are extreme circumstances that make just picking up and leaving impossible right now.

[Midlodemocrat]

1. Gosh, I am so sorry!

Hope things start looking up for you, soon.

:hug:

[Not_Giving_Up]

7. Thanks

Me too, or I'll be in a special room with soft walls, wearing an I love me jacket.

[Debi]

14. Yes, but then you'd get to sleep and think only about yourself...

[Not_Giving_Up]

18. How selfish of me!

After all, there are toilets to clean and clothes to fold!

[Debbi801]

2. Hope things improve, at least a little bit...

:hug:

i know what it is like to be in that kind of situation. Good luck!

Debbi

[Not_Giving_Up]

8. Well, it nearly 3:30 PM, and he's still asleep

I don't know when he went to sleep, but DAMN. At least when he's sleeping, I can breathe a little easier.

[MichiganVote]

3. Living with a Bi-Polar who will not seek or accept treatment

is about the living end of hell. Beware.....

[Not_Giving_Up]

5. Yeah, I've figured this out

He would like for me to take care of all of my issues (Yeah, I know I have some biggies), because his unhappiness is all MY fault. I thought the therapist was going to fall out of the chair last week when he proclaimed that something was missing, he didn't know what it was, but it was up to me to figure it out.

[MichiganVote]

15. Well, work with the therapist for a specified time and see what happens.

Sometimes Bi's will seek and maintain treatment if or when they establish a trusting relationship with the therapist. Do what you do need to do for you. Untreated mental illness in a family is second only to the death of a parent, child or close friend in terms of trauma. In the meantime, don't buy the bullshit.

Good luck

[Not_Giving_Up]

19. Half the time I go by myself

If he doesn't like what she said to him the time before, he won't go. I have a feeling he'll stay home this Thursday. Last week, she told him that he needs to get a job. It will help him feel better, and take some of the load off of me. Yeah, he'll bail this week.

[MichiganVote]

21. Go for yourself then, get stronger and who knows what can happen-for you

[Not_Giving_Up]

24. That's what I'm doing

I know I need it.

[MichiganVote]

73. Good girl. Don't give up, I didn't.

[Not_Giving_Up]

74. I won't

I know that I can't afford to. This shit has GOT to end!

[JohnnyBoots]

32. Oh, so you've met my mother. 17 years of fun!

[Not_Giving_Up]

34. LOL

My mom is highly unstable as well, but she's FINE...just ask her.

[JohnnyBoots]

38. Yeah Irish Catholiscm mixed with a steady diet of Jameson can

do wonders for house hold stability. My dad really must a saint.

[AlGore-08.com]

4. Your therapist knows he's bipolar off meds & says your problem is sex??

Get a new therapist!

[Not_Giving_Up]

6. No no no no no

The husband thinks our only problem is sex. The therapist is excellent.

[bettyellen]

10. yeah, get a new therapist....

and don't give that fucker two cent to go out and play.....
i swear i'd be sneaking meds into his food myself. but i'm evil.

[Not_Giving_Up]

27. The therapist is not the problem

The husband sees lack of sex as the only problem. The therapist knows what going on.

I don't give him money, he takes it. He's a grown man, I refuse to sneak him meds like an obstinate child.

[prolesunited]

39. He takes it?

Why let him have any access to it at all? No access to banks or credit cards and hide your cash. In your bra might work well. I see women pulling money from there all of the time.

People don't take advantage of you without your permission. They want clean clothes, show them how to work the washer. Complain about no spoons? Tell them that they should perhaps wash one.

My mom was a martyr, too. She let herself die of diabetic complications after living a miserable, unfulfilling existence. You should chose a better future for yourself.

[Not_Giving_Up]

43. If he doesn't know where it is

He'll tear up the house looking for it. I prefer that my children don't see that. I have a SMALL stash in a bank account of which he is unaware, but I had to dive into it recently, due to the current financial situation. I have slept with my entire paycheck in my bra while he tore up the house looking for it, no pleasant.

I'm well aware that for much too long, I enabled his behavior. I'm putting a stop to it.

[gardenista]

48. Let him tear up the house. And let the kids see it.

You are protecting everyone but yourself.

[Not_Giving_Up]

63. I don't think so

My son is ADHD, and an ASpie, my daughter has low level depression and high level anxiety. Somehow, I don't see how further damaging their little minds is going to help anything.

[bettyellen]

44. okay, the OP is a little confusing. your husband thinks it's lack of sex..

and your therapist thinks he can't do a thing to help. have you met with the therapist privately? it seems your husband thinks it's a waste of time, there's nothing that will motivate him. i have no way why you say leaving is not an option, but i can see why your therapist is giving up if you are both going to perpetuate the status quo. and alowing him to take your unemployment money is helping perpetuate the staus quo. That's food out of your kids mouth, it's not funny. There has to be a way out. You are in a horrible situation, but you need to make as many connections and find as many resources as you can as you can to help you out of this mess. Like it or not, there is always a way out, and yeah I mean leaving him. If that doesn't motivate him to get his shit together, you have to cut your losses. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for the kids. They do not deserve to have two miserable parents, do they? Whatever struggle you have to endure to ensure a better future for all of you will be better than your current situation, becasue you will a least have some hope. You are already supporting three people, is two really going to be harder if he's contributing nothing?

[Not_Giving_Up]

49. The therapist does think that she can help

That's why she gave us this book to read, to see if it was a process that we'd like to try. Husband says he wants to work on the relationship, but in reality, doesn't do much of anything to that effect.

As far as him taking the money, the bills are taken care of first, and if there's anything left he finds a way to spend it. We're getting food stamps right now, since i'm out of work, so the kids are eating fine.

If he's gone, I'll have the expense of daycare, which I don't have now. Even when I'm working, we lvie paycheck to paycheck, and daycare does NOT fit into the budget.

[bettyellen]

68. Like it or not, you're feeding and cleaning up after an extra person now.

and your kids are seeing that it's okay to toatlly take advantage of you. not good. when they see you cleaning up his messes and acting like all is okay, they think that's how things are supposed to be. if you left the mess there, they might understand daddy's sick, they might start helping out, too. you never know until you completely stop enabling him, and you haven't yet. they might better understand why you might have to do whatever possible to improve things. your husband will run out of messes to make. kids see a lot more than you realize, and trying to hide the messes means you are enabling. they will resent you for being weak and exhausted just as much as they will him. no reason they should get a skewed picture of reality, things are already unpleasant enough, they just are missing part of the why. if your so miserable, you owe them more than a tidy house. you owe them an escape plan. i hope you are working on that.
if the kids are in school, it's just a partial daycare situation anyway. make contacts with parent of your kids ages and swap time or services to get them out of the house a bit.
in addition to ranting, it would be good to get them out of the house into a camp or something so you could relieve yourself of the burden. are there any grants out there for daycamp enrollment? i would go to every parish or synagoge and beg for a scholarship for your kids. you have to start functioning independantly ASAP. It's the only way things are going to get better. Keep no more than 5$ on you and use an ATM. Do not give up, but don't make it easy on him and do his laundry and what not. Focus on doing for you and the kids, period.

[Not_Giving_Up]

71. I know that the kids see

I don't just run after him cleaning up his messes. He eats, put the pate on the coffee table, and I have gotten to where I'll leave it there until he at least takes it to the kitchen.

The kids have spent quite a bit of time with grandparents since school has been out, and they are going to South Dakota with a grandma next month. Like I've said before, my Aspie kid doesn't do well in new social situations. He has friends here (for the first time), and camp of any sort would be a nightmare for him.

[bettyellen]

76. i didn't know your kid has apsbergers, i'm really sorry that you have

to do so much extra to keep things afloat. trust me. though the not helping thing, i've seen it with women whose husbands weren't diagnosed with anything. i'm glad for you that you have some sort of help from the grand parents. it seems like you are not ready to give up on your husband. He's only maybe going to get help if it's screwing up his own life, and as long as he gets by as he has that's not likely to change. he doesn't seem to mind making the house miserable and running you ragged. chemicla imbalance or not, you have to make your peace with it or make a move to change things. i'd be looking to relocate near my parents, why look for a job and stay in that house when your husband is going to bleed you dry when you get one? you deserve better dear, and you are not going to get a leg up when you are scraping to make ends meet. I'm sorry, he's partying with money stolen from you and your kids, your mouths, your future. you can still love the person and hate the behavior. and you should hate this behavior and make a commitment to end it. again, your kids are not better off where you are if you are miserable and exhausted. as for the kids, you are more important in their lives than any friends, school attachments whatever, even if they don't realize it now (and they won't). whatever sacrifices you have to make to be happier yourself are also what's best for the kids. your husband and the kids will probably say different, but they are dead wrong and selfish. it's time for you to be the selfish one. you can't raise happy kids if you're so depressed and angry all the time. ultimately there will be setbacks whenn you make changes, but the status quo is unacceptable to you, and bad for the kids. they have to be picking up on all the tension.

[Not_Giving_Up]

79. The Aspie kid is like three kids to keep up with

It seems that way, anyway, since husband doesn't bother to even read up on the condition - I should summarize it. I did that with the ADHD books, but I won't do it with the Aspie ones, he needs to read them himself.

I don't live far from my parents now, about half an hour away, and the school that Aspie is in has been very cooperative and allowed him to really grow.

I know that my children and I deserve better. However, without stable income, it's just not possible. So, for now, I've got to find a job.

[bettyellen]

85. i wish you all the best, i know it ain't easy...

my friend has one kid and she had to ditch her husband for similar reasons, chronic irresponsible behvior, unemployment somehow he ended up hooked on meth.
on paper, her life is harder now, but she swears she feels a million times better.
i hope you get yourself out fom under this soon. you deserve better.

[gardenista]

45. He should not be taking money from you!

You have a right to keep any income you make in a separate account.

Cut him off, otherwise, he will never feel motivated to get a job.

[Not_Giving_Up]

50. I know!

We spent two months with NO income while I was off due to medical, and then before the unemployment kicked in. He still wasn't motivated. My parents were paying our bills to keep a roof over their grandchildren.

[gardenista]

59. Would your parents support you for 6 months while you get out?

Then you'd would be supporting only three people, yourself and your children, all this without the threat of somebody tearing up your house looking for YOUR money!

Anyway, he should not get ONE CENT from your unemployment. He is stealing food from your children's mouths.

[Not_Giving_Up]

61. They can't

My stepdad said they were dipping into savings when they paid my rent twice and my light bill once.

For the record, he's not taking my unemployment, there's nothing left after the bills are paid. It's when I'm working that he takes the money (not that that is any better).

[kedrys]

9. He's got far more issues than you do

and knowing the rest of your circumstances, I understand why you can't just toss him out or leave. Remember what my sister always says: calm your body and breathe through your nose. :) Hang in there. We're here for ya. :hug:

[Not_Giving_Up]

12. Yeah, I know

HEY! Haven't seen you since last week! :hi: Where have you been???

[kedrys]

16. Tryin' to get some work done

and seeing my therapist myself later this week to get my meds tweaked yet again :D. An old client resurfaced three days ago, so we may actually get this damn project done and over with...after a year! :rofl:

:hi:

[Not_Giving_Up]

20. Nothing wrong with that!

I wish I could say that I was doing something productive. I do believe I am going to buy black and white ref clothing so that I am properly dressed for the children. Stop that, quit that, give that back, get OFF of her, get out of his room, let her play the computer - no you don't OWN that machine just because it's in your room.

[Debi]

11. You've been here before and I'm glad you have here to come to

:hug:

I hope a nice cup of tea or a small piece of candy or a good book or anything you can think of can take you away from your insanity for a few minutes.

:hug:

[Not_Giving_Up]

17. It's much worse this time

See, we've figured out that I have RAD (reactive attachment disorder) thanks to a truly fucked up childhood. I learned early on NOT to feel. Normally, I get pissed, but I'm not really, truly FEELING. After I read the book, it all opened up, and I can feel again. Fuck this, I don't want to feel this.

[Tsiyu]

13. I am so sorry and vent away, Sister

Even if he is bi-polar, he can get up off his ass and help you.

Have you tried the "make a list" method? Sometimes that works for me, especially with someone who has no motivation to figure out what needs to be done on his own.

You really have the weight of the family on your shoulders, and that is just not fair. Are the kids old enough to help out a bit? Gosh, it sucks for them to see him in this depressed state. Too bad he won't get his shit together for the kids, if not for you.

Therapists can be real helpful or totally clueless. Lack of sex? Oh, yeah, I'd feel all hot for someone who lays around all day and refuses to help me. Sure.....

Anyhoo, just sorry about the state of things, and I have been in some pretty bad situations, so I am gonna tell you that this too shall pass. And I hope things change soon for you. Good luck with the job search. I'm also doing that and I know how frustrating it is right now to find anything, decent or no. Here's hoping a fantastic job comes your way this week.

:hug:

[Not_Giving_Up]

23. OK, let me clear this up

The therapist doesn't think sex is our problem. She knows it doesn't exist, but she knows that there's more than one reason for that. Husband is the one that thinks sex is the problem.

Yes, the kids are 9 and 11, they help out, quite begrudgingly.

I've given him a list before, that doesn't work. He only does things that he feels the need to do, no matter what.

[JVS]

22. Have you told your kids what a difficult time you are having?

They don't seem to be trying to help the situation at all

[Not_Giving_Up]

25. Well, they're 9 and 11

They have designated chores, which they do, but nothing major. They know that Daddy sleeps all of the time, and that Mommy's always tired, and they pitch in sometimes without being asked.

[gardenista]

55. I'm glad they're starting to do more.

They are definitely old enough to know that something is seriously wrong.

[Not_Giving_Up]

64. They do know

some of it. They don't need to know all of it.

[redqueen]

26. OH MY FUCKING GOD!

Are you me?!

:wow:

Wait, no... you have birds... and I have 5 cats. *whew*

I'm so sorry... I so COMPLETELY understand how you feel... you have NO idea.

Hang in there, Sweetie... :pals:

[Not_Giving_Up]

28. LOL...Well, wait....

There are two cats outside that consider this where they get their meals (if not from the dumpster), so that puts me at 5. I only have one bird these days, much easier than the eleven we once had!

Do you run AIM?

[redqueen]

30. Nope... I do Yahoo IM...

Oh and another diff... my hubby's not bi-polar, he's just lazy and selfish. :P

Eleven birds? WOW! Finches? (I hope ;))

[Not_Giving_Up]

33. Yes, ten were finches

One was a MEAN parakeet...drew blood if we took her out of her cage. Now we have a handfed cockatiel.

My Yahoo IM is politicallymotivatedwoman

[redqueen]

41. Mine is redqueen8888

I sent you an invite... so the next time you're online and want to vent, feel free to IM me. :)

[Not_Giving_Up]

47. Hmmm...I run GAIM, which is showing that I'm logged into both

AIM and Yahoo, but I can't access my buddy list. I don't have the actual Yahoo program anymore...GRRRR

[redqueen]

52. GAIM?

Never heard of that one... I hope we can chat sometime... sounds like we have LOT in common.

[Not_Giving_Up]

54. Yeah, it's supposed to let you talk on more than one IM program at a time

My brother said it rocked, but I'm not impressed. Guess I'll download the Yahoo chat tonight (I'm on dial up....much faster at 2 AM!)

[BikeWriter]

29. I'm sorry your relationship sucks. Ranting is cheap and...

relieves some of the frustation. Rant on!

[Not_Giving_Up]

35. I'm feeling a little better already

I'm just waiting for him to wake up and bitch because my fingers flying on the keyboard woke him up.

[gardenista]

51. And if he did, and you told him to f*** off, what would happen?

Any chance you could make is to unpleasant for him to stay home that he would be forced to go out and get a job?

[Not_Giving_Up]

60. Then the fun begins

His mother threatens to take my car (which is financed in her name), I have to find suitable childcare for my Aspie kid that doesn't do well in daycare at all...it goes on and on.

The more miserable I make him, the more he sleeps. I've tried that.

[gardenista]

65. Dang. His mom sounds like a real sweetheart.

She probably has a lot to do with the way his is now.

Yep, you're in a pickle.

I hope the therapist can help you figure out what to do.

No special programs for Aspie kids in your area, I take it...

[Not_Giving_Up]

67. Yeah, she's great

Anything for him, fuck me! We don't live where public transporation runs, so that's not even an option.

As far as daycare for Aspies? On the other side of Houston there are some places, but they are much too expensive and too far away.

[jandrok]

31. I have little in the way of advice.....

But I can offer an ear whenever you need to get something out. You've got a tough situation on your hands, and it certainly helps to vent and talk about it.

:hug:

[Not_Giving_Up]

36. Thanks

I don't need advice, really. I know I need to get out of here, I just can't right now. I just need to scream!

[SoCalDem]

37. Sounds like you need INDIVIDUAL counselling

and a VACATION from the whole crew..:hug:

[Not_Giving_Up]

53. I agree

I go to the therapist by myself half of the time, so I'm pretty much getting individual treatment anyway. He won't go by himself, he just doesn't feel the need.

As for the vacation - If I had money, I'd take one!

[gardenista]

40. Sorry it's not getting better.

I know you've gone into why you can't leave now, but it doesn't stop me wishing you would do it anyway.

Can you see the therapist alone sometimes? Since he doesn't seem to be doing any of the work, seems like you would benefit more from the therapy than he would.

Glad you're doing that for yourself, at least.

The kids really are old enough to help, even with your son's limitations. Have you thought of going on strike?

Anyway, those are just random thoughts. Hang in there.

:hug:

[Not_Giving_Up]

56. Thanks for the hugs

I have definitely upped the responsibilities of the kids, but that is an uphill battle. I've gone on strike, then I'm in a pigsty. I just can't live like that. Not that my house is ever superclean, but it's gotta be sanitary, dammit!

[gardenista]

62. Ok, just an idea....

How about putting him on the chore list, along with the kids?

Then, they would call him on it if he doesn't do his share, no?

Or would they just day, "Well, dad's not doing it so I won't, either"

Is there a way you can get out of the house during the day, even though you're not working? Even going to the library for a few hours, just to get away...

[Not_Giving_Up]

66. They wouldn't call him on it

My daughter tends to see that I'm always tired, and never get it all done, so she offers to help. My son thinks it's obnoxious that I ask him to do anything, and Daddy seems to justify that.

I get out of the house every now and then. Spending most of my time looking for a job.

[gardenista]

78. Just be sure you're not training your daughter to think it's

ok for the "men" of the household to order her/you around, watch you do all the work, and then benefit from it.

It's sweet that she's helping out, though.

Sounds like your son needs a little conditioning.

[Not_Giving_Up]

80. She knows better

Her brother tried to boss her around, but tells him where to stick it. (As I've done many times to husband)

My son is learning...it just takes longer for an Aspie.

[crispini]

42. Here's a hug.

:hug:

Oh, and don't take any medical advice from Tom Cruise. :P

[Not_Giving_Up]

57. Thanks

No, I wasn't planning to. I was thinking of sending a video to Dr. Frist for a remote diagnosis, though.

[crispini]

69. LOL.

that's the spirit. :7

[hickman1937]

46. Your husband thinks lack of sex is the problem?

Having sex with him would make you a pedophile.

[Not_Giving_Up]

58. I nearly sprayed coffee on the keyboard!

I often say that he acts like a teenager.

[hickman1937]

70. Sounds more like an infant to me.

Sleeps, eats, (I assume)poops, and whines at Mommy. If I remember correctly, he's already got one. I wonder if you could sue her for babysitting fee's?

[Not_Giving_Up]

72. Well, I say teenager because

he can drive, and when he goes to play with his friends, it's 2 or 3 in the morning before I see him. He doesn't answer his cell phone, always claiming to have left it in the car.

[hickman1937]

75. So he eats, sleeps, poops, and parties?

OMG, so did my daughter, from 17 to 24. I thought she was just a jerk. I guess I owe her an apology. Right after she pays back all the money I spent cleaning up her disfunction.

[Not_Giving_Up]

77. Yeah, that's pretty much it

Oh, and he spends hours in front of the bathroom mirror pulling out facial hairs, which he leaves all over the sink. His goal is to get the point where he doesn't have to shave anymore. When I complained about the mess in the bathroom, he started doing it in the hall bathroom, where I don't go often. The kids are NOT amused.

[hickman1937]

81. Well at least he's got goals.

If you can count scrambling to get back in the womb a goal.

[Not_Giving_Up]

82. Indeed

:rofl:

He is also determined to beat all of his PS2 racing games with 100% wins. If he loses, he restarts. All of that energy, just wasted.

[gardenista]

83. Sorry to butt in..

Have you thought of taking away the video games?

Sounds like you really have to treat him like a child.

(Oh yeah, and hide the tweezers, too. The facial hair thing is just weird.)

[Not_Giving_Up]

84. The PS2 was in the shop once (factory warranty repair)

He went bonkers while it was gone...three weeks, I think that was. At least when he's playing, he's not bugging me.

If there are no tweezers, he'll use his fingers to pull out the hair. He does it while driving, it's a compulsive thing, I swear.

[FunkyLeprechaun]

86. Have you thought about an intervention?

I don't know you well but I have a friend who's bipolar (and takes meds), she seems fine now.

It sounds like besides being bipolar, your husband is depressed, he's already displacing (not his fault but the lack of sex), almost like a kid does.

I really do think you should take his PS away, tell him that he will get it back unless he gets help, medicine etc. If the situation becomes volatile, you have EVERY right to call the police. It sounds like he's almost a threat.

It sounds like the situation is getting worse. I know you said that he's an adult, but sometimes adults have to get forced to get help or be put in a situation that forces them to get help (intervention).

High time he gets forced to get help.

Sorry for being frank, that's all. I took psych and my mum's a psychologist.

[Not_Giving_Up]

88. One major problem

We have no insurance, and we have no money. I can't very well put out an ultimatum that he seek help when there's no money for it.

He was placed on meds once, for depression a few years back. He took the meds for three days, then complained that they gave him headaches, and quit taking it. I explained to him that when our son switches ADHD meds, headaches and tummy troubles are normal for the first week. It's the chemicals getting balanced out. He didn't care. He won't take a pill.

The therapist looked at him last week and said "You do realize that you are bi-polar, and that your moods have an effect on the entire household, don't you?" He said that his moods have been pretty much stable lately. Yeah, stable at bottom.

[FunkyLeprechaun]

91. Oh no...

From that TV show (yes, I know a silly tv show) called Intervention, it's usually the family members getting together and asking an interventionist to come in and help the one in trouble. I don't know how they pay for it but I'm sure they all get together to pay for the intervention (several family members, up to 8, are at the meeting).

I'm sorry for your troubles and all I can do is, take one of the suggestions of the posters, is to put the meds in his food. It's all I can think of "forcing" him to take it, without him realising it.

If he starts to get better by week 2 (like you said takes a week), tell him it's because of the meds.

I hope things get better for you.

[zinndependence]

87. gee, your life sounds eerily similar to mine.....

I'm soooooo sorry!

only I was just laid off - I'm a school teacher - due to "declining enrollments and "budget constraints"

fortunately, I don't have kids. I say that because I would never want to put another person through his shit....I mean, does the only thing that ever comes out of his mouth have to be an insult or a gripe? chill already! (not you! him!)

in sympathy,
L

[Not_Giving_Up]

89. I know I'll find another job

What kills me is that he doesn't care what the circumstances are, he's not doing a thing to make them better!

[NawlinsNed]

97. Sorry to hear it...

I can't say I can relate, cuz your situation is worse than mine, I just hope you get through it alright. But... fuck it, I'm venting anyway, because it's 4:47 in the morning and nightmares have kept me awake virtually all night.

... I graduated in Dec, 2002 after a prolonged college career due to way too much work falling around finals time and a part time schedule (managing a grocery crew during christmas time and studying for finals and preparing programming projects is fucking hell). Moved to another city to be with my girlfriend who moved up there earlier, and she promptly got her license suspended for screwing up her billing.

I spent months trying to find a job, wiping out my entire savings to pay the rent and eat, and finally found one as a recruiter in a phone job that I fucking hated. I stuck that out for a year,

During this time? I found out a lot of things about my girlfriend. I learned that she loved to eat. I learned that she loved to sit her ass on the couch and do nothing at all. I learned that she hated going out into public, period. I learned that she could gain weight like nobody's business. I learned that she was taking 4 different medications for anxiety and depression PLUS she was taking her daddy's (prescribed because his feet are rotting off due to diabetes) vicodin. All the while, I'm paying the bills, and her parents are giving her 1200 bucks a month which she's pocketing behind my back. I learned that her mommy and daddy would have bought her a townhouse any time she wanted, but she was having too much of a good time chatting to her friends online and screwing me out of my income.

So I had enough... at this point I was so repulsed by her that sex was out of the question long ago, but I had tried to make it work until I realized that she wasn't going to live for herself until I was out of the equation. So, I moved to a different town and tried to switch jobs... same job I hated, just a different company. They were all set to hire me on, so I quit the other position... and then they said... oh, sorry, don't quite have the funds right now.

Fuck me! So, now I have quite a bit of credit card debt (some of it from college) and no income and I had to break my lease.

And it's only been 10 months since my last job. It might not be as bad as your situation, but I'm about ready to give up completely. This shit has aged me about 5 years in the past 10 months, and no employers will so much as look at me because I haven't done any actual programming work... ever. Depression, thy name is NawlinsNed. Whee!

[zinndependence]

98. oh my god!!!

I totally understand your stress.....trust me, things will get better.

I'm also DEEPLY in debt...college loans, credit card debt (which paid for grad school classes, books, living expenses, etc.)house and car payments, etc. etc. My husband (who has really been pissing me off...I almost said lately!hahahaha actually, he's been pissing me off for hmmmm, at least five years. We've been married six. Anyway, he hurt his back on the job and hasn't worked for two+ years. I've been trying to pay all our bills but can't. Especially after I was laid off from my teaching position (I was chosen since I have the least seniority). Finally, I said...FUCK IT. I talked to a lawyer and plan to declare personal bankruptcy....my husband would never "let me" even think about it in the past. Easy for him since he doesn't pay any bills. Anyway, I found out that I could declare bankruptcy on my own and he can't do a damned thing about it. Maybe something you should think about?

As soon as I find a job, I'm seriously considering hitting the road. (I don't want to move out yet considering I don't know where I'll be working.) While your girlfriend eats all day, my husband bitches all day. It is really getting OLD!!!!

Anyway, I know that things HAVE to get better. One thing that makes me happy are my dogs. Do you have any pets?

anyway, I hope your life takes a turn for the better...

[prolesunited]

90. I've read through more of your posts

You do realize that you are NOT doing the children any favors by staying in this situation. Keeping a family together when it is this dysfunctional is not healthy or best for them at all. They are old enough to see what's going on is not right or normal, no matter how much you try to hide it or protect them.

In fact, I would venture to guess that BOTH of your children's conditions are made worse by your current living situation. No matter what the financial struggle, they would be infinitely happier and able to rebuild their childhoods with a mom who is happy and not emotionally drained.

I really feel for your situation. I had a brother who was bipolar but refused meds. At that point, as heart-breaking as it is, you can't do anything to help them, only keep them from dragging you down with them.

If it was just you and you wanted to tie your life to him, that's one thing. But this is doing long-term damage to your children that will take years to sort out, if they are ever able to do so. Again, I know.

They already have problems. Keeping them in this situation will only make them worse. I imagine it would be incredibly difficult for you to make a new start. But, there is the promise of happiness at the end of the road. On your current path, there is only more pain and suffering.

For your children's sake, please get out.

[friesianrider]

92. Sounds like my mother's marriage to my stepfather.

Only thing is, for lack of a better word she's too fucking stupid to see how shitty he treats her. She thinks this is how all marriages are.

I think you're obviously a strong woman for basically taking care of a household yourself. And as a big animal person, a lot of people in your position (I know from working at a shelter) would have just dumped the only things they could - their kitties and bird at the SPCA because they can't take their frustration out on the husband/kids. You deserve praise for that, for sure.

I know it's tough, but you should try and see what you CAN leverage to get some sort of action from him. Or, talk to your counselor privately and tell her he is not putting in the effort required for MARRIAGE counseling, not YOU counseling, and ask their guidance for what to do next. It's a tough situation, but you've got to look out for you, your kids, and your pets first and firemost. Your hubby sounds EXACTLY like my stepfather, so believe me, I feel comfortable saying I know how you feel.

[Nikia]

93. It's sort of like that for me too

Except that we don't have children and that I am working at a job that I hate, while he doesn't. I think that he has depression but he won't go to the doctor for it.
My anxiety disorders have gotten worse. I have devloped anorexia and may becoming depressed as well. Unfortunately, he has responded by just becoming more depressed.

[roguevalley]

94. God, honey, I am so sorry. But it appears to me that there is no

reason (beyond the ones at the end) to keep this guy. At the FIRST POSSIBLE MOMENT, dump him. Hugs and much love to you.

[NMMNG]

95. Excellent rant

Your husband has a right to not get treatment for his BP if he doesn't want to. However he doesn't have the right to make you and the rest of the family suffer because of his choice. Frankly I question how much of his symptomology is real and how much is him avoiding non-preferred activities, considering he seems to have energy for his friends. When I was severely depressed I had true anhedonia--I didn't want to do even my most beloved activities (reading and going online).

I wouldn't tiptoe around Daddy outside of normal sleeping hours. If he is unwilling to show you respect, how can he expect you to bend over backwards for him?

If he is not going to be working at a paying job, the least he can do is help out with the household chores (good luck getting him to do this though).

Is he eligible for any form of disability assistance (SSI/SSDI)? This could help out while you are both out of work.

Best wishes to you, you are fighting an uphill battle :hug:

[Not_Giving_Up]

99. I don't tiptoe anymore

I run the vac, turn up the TV, whatever. He can throw his little fits. I tell him that if he's going to sleep all day, he can at least do it in the bedroom.

Yeah, the household chores. How many times have we had that conversation? :banghead:

To get benefits, he'd have to at least admit that there's something wrong with him. (Besides me)

[Maestro]

96. I sincerely hope things work out for you.

My mother in law is bi-polar. She is extremely trying at times. I will never forget one day we went to the bookstore, Barnes & Noble. She had ordered a book but it hadn't come in. She went ballistic. It was nobody's fault. She then ran to her car. My wife and I followed. The freaking lady pulled out a .45. I shit you not, a .45. She was going to shoot someone over this book. I physically grabbed the gun at which point she erupted, hitting cars, herself. She completely lost it. This was more than 10 years ago. She has since moved to Colorado to "escape" ran into problems there and is now back in Texas.

The good news is that she was just diagnosed recently with this condition. Her new medication has turned her into a new person with whom I do not worry to leave my kids.

The moral of the story is that you really need to get him into therapy or leave, if not for you, the kids.