Democratic Underground Latest Greatest Lobby Journals Search Options Help Login
Google

He's a gentleman, he treats me well but I wish he'd leave me alone...

Printer-friendly format Printer-friendly format
Printer-friendly format Email this thread to a friend
Printer-friendly format Bookmark this thread
This topic is archived.
Home » Discuss » The DU Lounge Donate to DU
 
devilgrrl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-27-03 12:24 AM
Original message
He's a gentleman, he treats me well but I wish he'd leave me alone...
Edited on Mon Oct-27-03 12:24 AM by devilgrrl
Howdy folks, I'm having a bout of relationship phobia, mostly because I've rarely been in one and am scared shitless. Not only that, I'm rather egocentric, selfish and prefer spending most of my time alone, I've always been a loner.

This guy is nice, so it's not him. Though, I am a little tired of hearing about his ex-wife and his anxiety about not being able to connect with his 11 year old son. Tell me how someone as isolated and emotionally disconnected like myself is going to be able to deal with all this? It's very frightening. Relationships freak me out and seem to be more trouble than they are worth.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
wtmusic Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-27-03 12:33 AM
Response to Original message
1. He just wants to talk about himself
Edited on Mon Oct-27-03 12:34 AM by wtmusic
That's the problem. If he can't tell you're tired of hearing it it's time to find a different devilguy...

LOL I just caught your sig. Scared the shit out of me!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
AquariDem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-27-03 12:34 AM
Response to Original message
2. I've always had a hard time being social
and I've basically never been with anyone, so I think I understand what you mean. I guess you could do what I'm doing, which is try to connect more with people in general. It's not that easy. Good luck!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Spider Jerusalem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-27-03 12:36 AM
Response to Original message
3. I can relate...
I, too, am an egocentric, selfish loner...and this seems to be the rock upon which most of my relationships have foundered. For me, it seems that my basic and essential self was the problem, most of the time...most of my partners, it seems, either wanted me to be someone I wasn't, or expected things from me I wasn't equipped to give them. I know it's a rather frustrating feeling, and I wish I knew what to tell you...I've found that the best you can do is to sincerely explain your need for a fixed amount of time alone to decompress and get away from the demands the world and the people in it make on your time and sanity...explain that it would be the same with anyone, and that it's nothing to do with him...and if he genuinely cares he'll try to understand (even though he won't really understand, since extroverts have completely different neurological wiring).

Hope that helps some...it's the best I can do, I'm afraid...
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
La_Serpiente Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-27-03 12:37 AM
Response to Original message
4. Hmmm...I am not a psychiatrist
You should get out more. You say that you are egocentric and selfish. At least you recognize it. Now you have to be cognizant of when you ARE selfish and egocentric. You have to clean your own house before you clean anyone elses.

Get out and enjoy life. Live in the city? go to the bookstore and read or listen to music. get a pet. They can teach you companionship.

Can you deal with it? No you can't. He probably is a really nice guy. However, he must be really sensitive.

Now here is where I don't know if I can help you. I wouldn't know if helping him would hurt him or hurting him would help him. Can someone add on to this?
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
devilgrrl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-27-03 12:52 AM
Response to Reply #4
6. Yes, I live in an urban area, I constantly read and have two cats...
Edited on Mon Oct-27-03 12:54 AM by devilgrrl
I do get out... I just like having my space and not have to worry about what others think. :shrug:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
instantkarma Donating Member (489 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-27-03 12:49 AM
Response to Original message
5. be honest with him.
tell him to his face everything you posted above. It's that simple. Telling someone the truth is often scary as hell in the beginning, and it gets easier the more you do it.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
psychopomp Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-27-03 01:49 AM
Response to Original message
7. One possibility
You could do what I recommend all selfish, egocentric people to do: go through as many trophy b/g friends, ones who best reflect your need to impress yourself, as you need until you fall in love with one of them. Either you will fall in love, thus peeling away all of the sham gloss that attracted you to the person in the first place, or you will date enough people to realize that everybody, like you, is flawed. Either way you should be able to find a better understanding of yourself and, if you are lucky, some degree of happiness.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
GalleryGod Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-27-03 03:37 AM
Response to Original message
8. Sweetie,You're not.
Edited on Mon Oct-27-03 03:39 AM by GalleryGod
Take it from an "Alan Alda-Type" who inherited 4 STEP kids when I married my former college sweetheart. Can't work; UNcouple with the most amount of dignity for you both. Sorry. :pals:

As the Rove Patrol would say, Move on! with head held high.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
izzie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-27-03 05:14 AM
Response to Original message
9. Some people do not understand the space you need for your self.
I was a bad wife as I always kept my space and I was always my self. My husband said I must give 100% of my self to him and his thoughts. I thought he was nuts. I understand your problem and like living alone and feel very at ease with it. Do not answer your phone etc. This man does not understand you but does need someone.You also can not salve other peoples problems. They have to do it.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Friar Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-27-03 05:32 AM
Response to Original message
10. what are you dealing with?
Are you sleeping with him and you don't want to anymore?
If he's boring you, shake hands and say "Let's just be friends."
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BiggJawn Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-27-03 06:31 AM
Response to Original message
11. Tell him you're Gay. That'll make him leave....
And it won't bruise his ego as much.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
radwriter0555 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-27-03 06:55 AM
Response to Original message
12. It doesn't sound like you're genuinely attracted to him, even though he's
nice.

You can't force feelings you don't have... so maybe use this guy for practice, so to speak.

You don't have to fall in love with him, but maybe use this experience to open yourself up to unfamiliar emotions and experiences. You can use this experience to learn how to be assertive, to ask for YOUR needs to be acknowledged... to explore how you react to specific scenarios.

But be nice, be kind. And don't get too close to the whole kid thing, since, if you take my advice, this isn't a long term thing.

It does take practice for certain people to learn how to BE in a relationship... it doesn't even make you that unusual, especially if you take the steps to resolve some issues.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
no_hypocrisy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-27-03 06:56 AM
Response to Original message
13. There's nothing wrong with your attitude of being a loner. It's more like
Edited on Mon Oct-27-03 06:57 AM by no_hypocrisy
being a strong individual. You have your preferences, and yes, you don't compromise on a regular basis. But you are interested in other people, so you are not anti-social.

Embrace your uniqueness and individuality. If you can get this book, I recommend it: The Loner's Manifesto by Anneli Rufus.

http://www.philosophistry.com/archives/2003/08/000635.h...
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
DU AdBot (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view 
this author's profile Click to add 
this author to your buddy list Click to add 
this author to your Ignore list Thu Apr 17th 2014, 12:39 AM
Response to Original message
Advertisements [?]
 Top

Home » Discuss » The DU Lounge Donate to DU

Powered by DCForum+ Version 1.1 Copyright 1997-2002 DCScripts.com
Software has been extensively modified by the DU administrators


Important Notices: By participating on this discussion board, visitors agree to abide by the rules outlined on our Rules page. Messages posted on the Democratic Underground Discussion Forums are the opinions of the individuals who post them, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Democratic Underground, LLC.

Home  |  Discussion Forums  |  Journals |  Store  |  Donate

About DU  |  Contact Us  |  Privacy Policy

Got a message for Democratic Underground? Click here to send us a message.

© 2001 - 2011 Democratic Underground, LLC