How do you deal with adolescent hell?

[prozacnation]

My 12 year old son is insane, seriously. His moods are all over the place. Everything is a huge argument. I never know what's going to set him off. He wants to set his own bedtime and play M rated video games. When I say no to these requests or any other he throws a crying tantrum like a baby. He's treating his sisters like crap and for that matter his parents as well.

I'm trying to be a good parent and establish reasonable limits. I just don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. I feel like I've lost all of my parenting skills. That of course assumes I ever had them.

I still see glimmers of the sweet boy he was but mostly he is a pain in the *ss. Is this just the hormones kicking in or what? Anyone have experience with the horrid teen years?

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

1. Have you talked to him about it?

if he's not being responsive, tell him flat out that if he starts acting more responsibly and starts treating you with more respect, he'll get more respect and privilege along with that.

[prozacnation]

4. Yes

He says that we are being unfair to him. He is convinced that we are plotting against him to make his life miserable. He is pretty responsible as far as chores, etc. It's just the behavior in general that sucks.

[aquaman]

2. I am a real sicko....

I am a clinical social worker and choose to work with adolescents solely.

[prozacnation]

3. That sounds like a lot of fun, not..

In your work what techniques do you use to connect with the kids?

[aquaman]

22. I work in a long-term inpatient setting....

So, a true relationship is established. Once the kids respect me they are much easier to work with. I try to not be the ever knowing "adult" with them and work WITH them. They at times hate me but overall I generally am successful in working with them. However, these kids are not my own, which is why they probably listen to me. By the way, working with teenagers is great birth control, I am reluctant to have kids of my own. My wife does not appreciate that.

[bobthedrummer]

34. I worked as a Youth Care Worker II in a residential facility and was a

Unit Attendant in an adolescent AODA treatment center.
But that doesn't compare to being a parent, as you noted in your own way.

[Wapsie B]

5. Sounds like I have his sister at home.

I can relate to what you say.

[prozacnation]

8. How do you deal with it?

Other then a stiff drink? I've developed an allergy to alcohol. Sad, isn't it?

[Wapsie B]

20. Medication therapy for her helps,

especially Risperdal which softens her temper after it kicks in. Yeah I had a few today myself. I try to exercise most days, going for long power walks that calm me and help to deal with her outbursts. But people like us need a way out of this feeling of hopelessness.

[prozacnation]

26. Exactly

I feel like it's never going to end. I was such a horrible teenager and I never appreciated the hell I put my Mom thru. I wish she were alive I so I could apologize to her and thank her. I have no clue how she survivied my teen years. I'm just starting with my son and I'm ready to run away and join the circus.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

6. Yes, it's hormones run amok.

We went through some very rough times with my older boy, and counseling made a huge difference. Talking with him about his tantrums can only help, if you do this at a time when you aren't arguing. Listening to his input, and taking the time to consider what he says carefully will send a message that you respect his opinion, even if you don't agree.

You might also look into his diet, once again, with him. Preteens often overindulge in sugary junk food with little nutritional value, or even skip meals. Low blood sugar only fuels the intensity of an argument.

Keep your cool...Don't let him make you feel guilty about your parenting. You're a terrific parent! Don't neglect to praise him for jobs well-done. For every criticism you might have, he'll need 2 compliments to recover.

Good luck...My youngest will be at that charming age in another 5 years. :scared:


~hug~

[HEyHEY]

7. Is he the only boy?

[prozacnation]

10. Yes, his sisters are 5 and 9

[HEyHEY]

15. There ya go

That's the problem. Let him set his own bedtime and start treating him a bit like a man.

[shesemsmom]

9. 12 is when our personal hell started

climbing out windows at night to meet friends and trouble at school. At 14 I actually saw this child throw herself on the floor and throw a tantrum. All because I said no to an unreasonable request. We started counseling and she was diagnosed with ADHD and I can't tell you I was surprised. Also depression. I would suggest counseling to start. All kids have school counselors or perhaps someone from your church if you cant afford others wise. It has literally saved my kids life. She tried to hang herself shortly into the consoling cessions. She is almost back to her sweet elf but it has been HELL. Thank God for the medsShe is now 16

[prozacnation]

11. He is actually on Prozac now

Sadly he developed massive anxiety attacks about 7 months ago. He was unable to even go to school. Prozac has definitely changed that and made him a functioning person. He has been in counseling and it has helped with the anxiety. However, this change in behavior is a new thing. Pretty much started when he turned 12.

[shesemsmom]

16. Huh.. sounds like the same thing we went through before she was

diagnosed. Has he been tested for ADHA.Does he have trouble paying attention or following simple things like if you ask him to clean his room and he forgets that is where he was going you know distracted easily. Good luck, it's gonna be a wild ride. I know , and it will take every nerve you have to get through it. Hang in> If I can help PM me

[prozacnation]

27. He is a total spaz

I think that he has some form of ADD. His therapist and doctor were going to revisit the issue after his anxiety calmed down. Anxiety can cause similar symptoms.

Anyway, the only time he sits still is when he is playing a video game. Otherwise he is fidgeting, bouncing off the walls and talking non-stop. I guess I've always thought it was "normal" boy behavior.

[shesemsmom]

31. Maybe he need to go to gymnastics

or something to work some of that out. At any rate it will pass... that is one sentenece that stuck in my mind and though its been 4 years I think we are getting past it GOOD LUCK

[Mz Pip]

12. Teenagers from hell

I remember that. Particulary my older son ho was confrontational and really obnoxious at times. And the allegations were the same.

You are the strictest parents in town. (Uh, that would be a no.)
Everyone else can do it.( I seriously doubt it. Would you like me to make a few phone calls?)
You don't trust me...(And why should I?)
I can walk out of here and you would never see me again. (Yeah, you can. So what's your point?)

Yada yada yada.

There are no limits that a teenage considers reasonable. Ever. Set the limits and let him think you are unreasonable. It's your job to make his life miserable. Do your job well. :-)

Years later my son told me that in retrospect he didn't know how we put up with him and his brother. They are both in their 20s now and think we're just terrific. So if it's any consolation, give it 10 years and it will pass.

Mz Pip
:dem:

[youthere]

13. Wine. Lots and lots of wine.

My daughter is going through the same thing. Hang tough. Be consistent. It'll pass...oh God I hope it passes.

[prozacnation]

28. Oh, how I wish I could

In the last ten years or so I have developed a horrible allergy to alcohol. When I drink I get a migraine headache, turn beet red and I feel like my body is on fire. Attractive, no? It's karma I'm telling you. I was a wild teenager and I'm sure I drank enough for my entire life by the time I was 21.

[Smarmie Doofus]

14. I'm shuddering... as I'm about two years away from dealing .....

with this. Don't envy you.

Hormones : Yes, probably. Still, it sounds like something's bugging him besides the usual pre-adolescent craziness.

How long has he been this way? The crying tantrums sounds a little beyond the pale for age twelve... but remember my parental purgatory still lies ahead of me.

[TheProphetess]

17. Not to get too clinical on you but

there is a school of thought that we all go through something called "adolescent egocentrism" which is a way of thinking that makes adolescents distinctly different from children or adults.

They think that everyone notices everything about them (like that tiny pimple that will ruin their chances of getting a prom date), that they are invincible (nothing bad can happen to them), and that no one could ever understand the way they feel (they're so very special and unique and no one else has ever felt the way they do). This egocentrism is tough to deal with because you, as the parent, see the world in a very different way.

My best advice is to set up boundaries (kids do much better when they have established boundaries and clearly defined consequences for overstepping the boundaries). Also, try to use as much positive reinforcement of his "good" behaviors as you can. For example, when he actually does something you've asked him to do, reward the behavior. Try using this more than punishment because reinforcement works better to encourage good behaviors than does constant fear of punishment. And, of course, tell him you love him no matter what (even though you may not like his behaviors).

Good luck!! :hug:

[freethought]

18. Remind him of this!

You are gonna have to put your foot down and mean business. First-remind him in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, your house is not a democracy. If wants priveledges he will have to EARN them and that starts with his attitude. Set limits and make sure they are understood and known hands down, do not waver, those are the rules they are not subject to interpretation or argument. Don't be afraid to raise your voice to make your point. It should be clearly understood whose boss.
In one respect, you are correct. The boys hormone's are kicking in and his mind and body are going to be in upheaval which would explain his mood swings. Just about every kid goes through some form of this, some cop attitudes, some develop angst and the like

On the flip side, if you can talk to him when he's not moody. Tell him that this is puberty and soon enough he'll have to deal with shaving, acne, and all of the other things that go with it. Still, rules are rules.
There is alot of good advice in this thread, give all of them some thought if you can. The post that stated "It's your job to make his life miserable. Do it well." was pretty astute. Eventually he'll come out of it.

[shugah]

19. if he sets his own bedtime

can he also get himself up and to school in the morning?

the temper tantrum thing shows a lack of maturity and willingness to accept responsibility. point that out to him in a non-temper tantrum moment.

whatever age, when a child shows a willingness and ability to accept responsibility for "what s/he wants and deems fair," then it's worth a try at least. my (now 17 YO) son has been regulating his bedtime since he was 12. he knew the rules: no missing school because you overslept; no falling asleep at school; no waking mom up because you missed the bus. he spent a few sleepy days and then adopted a regimen of going to bed at a reasonable hour on school nights.

as far as M rated games - do you forbid them across the board? if you do, why?

[prozacnation]

25. I forbid all M games and some Teen games

I think that playing games with explicit sex and violence is just way too much for a 12 year old to handle. Just like I wouldn't take him to an R rated movie, etc. He has seen PG13 movies that are acceptable. However, I believe that rating guidelines for both are set properly in most cases.


I'm not trying to keep him from growing up I just don't want him to become numb to the violence portrayed in those games. I honestly believe that too many kids are walking time bombs because of the crap that our society throws at them and calls entertainment.

[EvolvedChimp]

21. He's tired of being a boy

He's just trying to push the envelope, see what he can and can't do. The first thing is to explain to him that if he wants to be treated like he's an adult he must act like one. The tantrums can not continue and more importantly can not be used to his advantage. I'd try to explain to him what he simply can't do and be more lenient on things that don't matter. If he wants to stay up later maybe he can, but he still needs to understand that you know best. He should be punished for acting like a child and encouraged when he acts like a man. Of course he's also 12 and no twelve year old's perfect. It's all normal.

[lady lib]

23. Since he's on medication you should talk with the

prescribing doctor about his change in behavior ASAP.

Once he's medically cleared you might try writing out a list of expectations (RULES). Be very clear and blunt. If you want him to speak politely at all times to all family members then write that down. Write it in active tense, for example, _________ will speak politely to all family members at all times. Then underneath that list write out a another list of REWARDS for meeting expectations/following the rules. And then below that write out a list of CONSEQUENCES for not meeting household expectations.
Post this on the wall and follow it consistently.

This technique is used in classrooms. It lays everything out clearly and on paper. Most important, it puts the onus on the child. If he does well he EARNS a reward, and if he breaks a rule he EARNS a consequence.

Good luck.
:hug:

[knowbody0]

24. take nothing personal

this time will pass and is as important as crawling, walking etc. they are semi-out of their minds during this phase.

[CRK7376]

29. You are not alone out there

We too have kids that at times are out of control. 16 yo is making us nuts as is his 10 yo brother (mostly just a smart ass and getting lazy with his academics) and the 6 yo sister....

We are pulling our hair out nearly on a daily basis witht he kids. THey will not listen/behave/obey regards of the consequences. Fortunately we are not having troubles with the video games. They are not interested in the M rated games(for now at least).

We've talked till we are blue in the face, grounded, returned games early, denied access to their game systems etc...My wife and I keep questioning ourselves, where did we go wrong....? We sure didn't behave this way when we were teens etc....or we don't remember behaving this way at least....

Hang in there, they will grow up and move away sometime. At least my 16yo hates Bush and his party, is smart and critical, and can be a great kid when he wants to...just stay out of his surly way in the mornings on the way to school.......

[NashVegas]

30. By Any Chance, Are You a Single/Divorced Parent?

If that's the case, take him to a shrink. If you can't help him, and/or he won't let you, take him to someone who can.

On edit: I just read more of the posts. If your 12 year old is having anxiety attacks, there's a hell of a lot more going on than hormones, and a hell of a lot more going on than anti-depressants are going to make go away. That kid's got something going on that needs to be dealt with.

[Mizmoon]

32. I aways disagree with everyone on this topic

All I can tell you is that my teenagehood was a nightmare of people trying to force me to do things I was emotionally unable to do, like be responsible. I know it sounds strange, but I was unable to be responsible until I was like 24-years-old. Then I went back to school and in the end got a masters. I was ready to take control of my life.

Don't force the boy to do things he's not able to do. Don't make him be what other people guilt you into thinking he should be.

I have no idea if this is applicable, just trying to relate some things that have worked in raising my own teen. He's 16, not that great a student, but happy, healthy, not on drugs, and loves to make incredible music. Other parents might be tempted to give him a hard time since he's obviously not going to graduate on time. But he's so much happier than I was - so much more confident and peaceful. I feel certain that I'm doing things the right way. Encouraging, discussing, teaching and relating but never yelling, condemning, grounding, forcing, threatening or verbally abusing.

All IMHO of course. :hi:

[gizmo1979]

33. There's no crying

in teen arguments!I'm not by any means the greatest dad in the world.However I do have 'the look".My teen knows just how far to push dad,she does get away with alot,But once I give the look that's is it end of story no further argument.I do have alot of trust in my teen and she has never let me down.Tough love.Or just have boundaries and don't let them be broached.Oh hell I don't know.

[Karenina]

35. They taught us how back in the 50's

DUCK AND COVER!

[n2mark]

36. Feel for you

both of my adult children were horrible when they were teens. Everyday wondered who of us would survive those years. Well, we all did. Now my son is 30 and my daughter 24, couldn't ask for better... they are responsible, and caring individuals.

[prozacnation]

38. Thanks for the inspiration

I know he will grow up to be a fine man, assuming of course I live to see it.

[prozacnation]

37. Now that's something I can do

[Karenina]

39. Man-o-woman...

That shit can start early as 10 and drag on till 95. It's NASSY!!!
I celebrate this Mothers' Day having recently shoved my little chickadee OUT of the nest. (I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE BEFORE IT WAS OVER!!!!!!
Really). The ca-ca-doo-doo, 24/7... been through 3 vacuum cleaner bags in as many weeks in my efforts to restore some semblance of ORDER to my existence...

[SarahB]

40. How I deal with this stuff....

I have sort of the opposite dynamic as you. I have a 13 year daughter and younger, little boys. I can't say my daughter has tantrums still, but I suppose there are pouty moments at times. However, one of the main things I stress to my children is greater responsibility brings greater freedom. I might be one to bend a bit on the video games (not saying you should, just speaking for myself), but then stress to him that he must be willing to take on a new responsibility to gain this new freedom. Make it his choice to give him a feeling that he has some control as well. It's up to him as he gets older to prove to you that he has the maturity to make more of his own decisions gradually. Giving him a little at a time works wonders. Also, try to let him have some time either just with you or just with dad (or if dad's not a part of his life, a grandpa or uncle maybe) occasionally. I know for my daughter it gets tough being so much older (and the opposite gender) as her siblings. They play and do their thing but sometimes get a bit pesty with her. Sometimes she just needs a little space to decompress.

Anyway, I hope things work out for you both. :hug:

[wovenpaint]

41. Raised 3 of them

Youngest is now almost 20....best thing I ever did was take an Adolescent Psychology class as a humanities req.
I was told that if my child told me that he/she hates me in early adolescence to secretly smile and realize that I'm doing a good job. That helped.
But, I don't know much about additional issues such as ADHD, etc. but I generally feel your pain.
My coping involves deep breathing (originally learned as Lamaze, lol) and trying to take it an issue/day at a time.
My heart goes out to you....sending good thoughts!
:hi: