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What do you do when your mother hates you?

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YellowRubberDuckie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 09:32 PM
Original message
What do you do when your mother hates you?
I'd like to know because I'm in that predicament now. Apparently I'm supposed to kiss her ass, but she doesn't have to even pretend to care about me. She says nothing but nasty things and tells me in not so many words that I'm a monster. I'm not kidding myself. I know that the only child she ever cared about died back in 2000. One more month and I'm out of here, until then, what do I do? Do I sit back and take it or do I somehow find a way to stop her from acting as if I'm a pebble in her shoe? I know I've been posting several of these, and I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. I just need advice and words of comfort.
Thanks,
Duckie
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MissB Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 09:34 PM
Response to Original message
1. Just remember that her problems are not your own.
You'll probably never change her. You aren't doing anything wrong.

It is empowering to just let it go and remember that you don't have to take ownership in her problems.

:hug:
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Floogeldy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 09:35 PM
Response to Original message
2. Love her back
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YellowRubberDuckie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 09:35 PM
Response to Reply #2
3. That's love?
:shrug:
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MissB Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 09:37 PM
Response to Reply #3
6. It's kinda like meeting your enemies with kindness
Turning the other cheek and all that.
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Floogeldy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 10:05 PM
Response to Reply #3
16. Go tell your mother that you love her and giver her a big hug.
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jandrok Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 09:36 PM
Response to Original message
4. You'll get through it, Duckie
I got no advice other than to push on through and get outta there. I don't have much in the way of words of comfort, but I do have a hug for ya......

:hug:
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likesmountains 52 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 09:37 PM
Response to Original message
5. don't let her bitterness become yours...n/t
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demnan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 09:38 PM
Response to Original message
7. Try Alanon
Organizations exist to help people who live with, or have family members who are alcoholics. You can meet other people and talk about your situation, puts it into perspective and takes you off the "pity pot" so to speak. As far as the spiritual stuff you can take or leave it. Just look up Alanon in the phone book and take it from there. It might give you some strength while you're making other plans to move out.

hey and here's a :hug: from me to you. I'm sure your mother probably hates herself right now a whole hell of a lot more than she hates you.
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Catchawave Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 09:38 PM
Response to Original message
8. Is she drinking when she says mean things to you?
I just hope it isn't martinis :scared:
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YellowRubberDuckie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 09:40 PM
Response to Reply #8
9. Nope. When she got home from work at 9, she was sober.
I wish it were just the alcohol. Then I might be able to come back once I'm gone.
Duckie
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MuseRider Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 09:42 PM
Response to Original message
10. Just remember that
she is in a lot of pain to be like that. My mother was probably the most hateful person I have ever known, my father was violent, they were quite a pair.

My mother never got over hating me. She told me that as often as she could and I never remember an I love you or a hug or a kiss. I spent 3 years caring for her after her diagnosis of throat cancer and a nasty trache that she never took care of and still as she was dying and I was cleaning up after her she told me that she would see me dead first.

Honey, you just gotta go on, let it slide and be the very best daughter you can so that you can live with yourself later. I mean that, we all tend to feel guilty no matter how horrible they were to us if we don't take care of them.

Make your life happy and you might want to read The Dance Of Anger by Harriet Golhor Lerner (I think that is how you spell it). She is a wonderful woman who worked here at the Menninger clinic. I have met her and her family and was able to tell her how much her books had helped me.

Just be happy yourself. Let it slide for now. Respond alot with things like, "Okey Dokey." She won't know what to do with that and you can get away before she does. PM if you need.

One good thing will come of this. If you have a family of your own someday you will know what not to do. My boys are grown and they love me and they have never had a day in their lives go by without knowing that they were the most precious things in the world. For that you can thank my mother who taught me all the wrong things to do.
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Nevernose Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 09:48 PM
Response to Original message
11. We threw a party when she died
It wasn't my mother, but my best friend's mother. It was one of those situations where MY family was REALLY scewed up, so I essentially lived at their house. When she finally died, her father and son (my friend) threw a party. Not a wake, a party. I was the first one they called, followed by her daughters.

I don't know if I can give you advice beyond this: don't feel guilty for your feelings. You don't have to love your mother, only respect the office. And you only have one more month to go. Also, you're not responsible for her hang-ups; I'm sure that many here at DU think that the answer is "love" or that you should feel sympathy becuase she lost another child. Bullshit. Contrary to popular belief, I am sure you have figured out by now that parents often love one child more than another.

Yes, you can be a Democrat and be a pragmatic, cold-blooded bastard at the same time.
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Bouncy Ball Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 09:52 PM
Original message
Well, I'll tell you what I did.
I left and never looked back.

But you have to make that decision. My mother is severely mentally ill and truly toxic. I cut off all contact with her years ago and don't regret it. She was horribly abusive and neglectful while I was growing up. I forgive her for the past, I really do (I realized at a certain point I had to), but I see no need to be a martyr to her sickness in the NOW.

Know what I mean?

So. C'est la vie. She lost her daughter through her own behavior, and refusal to take the treatment and meds that were offered to her several times.

BTW, :hug:.
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demgurl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 09:52 PM
Response to Original message
12. Duckie, I am sorry this is happening to you.
If it is any consolation, others have the same relationship with their Mom. I did for years. I hear some get better but I am in the middle of suing my Mom for embezzling money from me! (long story)

If you want to talk or just vent, feel free to IM me.
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Blue Diadem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 09:55 PM
Response to Original message
13. Hang in there, it won't be long and you'll be out of there,
:hug:

Honey, I understand how you feel, my Mom told me that I should have been the one to die instead of my sister. I know the problem was my Mom's and not mine..but it doesn't lesson the pain.


As I look back, I wish I had confronted my Mother about things..but I never did. Have you ever told your Mom how you feel?
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TheProphetess Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 10:03 PM
Response to Original message
14. I'm a big believer in communication
but I know that not everyone communicates well (like your mother, for example).

My recommendation would be to actually come right out and tell her how you are feeling. The best way to do that would be to bring it up when you two are not fighting, so hopefully she won't be defensive right then. Also, try to make "I feel" statements as opposed to accusatory or judgmental statements; for instance, "when you do ____, I feel like ____."

I'm not an expert but these are just some things I've picked up along the way in my efforts to deal with problems with loved ones. Good luck to you. :hug:
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lavenderdiva Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 10:04 PM
Response to Original message
15. thank goodness you are getting out of there in one more month...
the best advice I can think of is to limit your time at home as much as possible. I find it best not to be around to be her verbal punching bag, as those words stick in your head, and cause untold hurt for a long, long time. I know you are living at home, but is there somewhere you can go in the evenings, until she goes to sleep? Are you working? If so, can you go to a friend's house until late in the evening, if you have to sleep at home, and then go home when she has gone to bed. Alcoholics are usually much more pleasant in the morning after they have slept it off. If you are not working, can you go to a library or something during the day, maybe a park and read? I'm not sure what your situation is. When my mother was alive, and doing the same thing to me, I used to go to the library until they closed at 8pm, then I would drive in circles for hours until I thought she had gone to bed. I would also go to a mall and just walk around to be around other people (but not her), and then wait until late and then go home. Spent many evenings at friends' homes.

You do not have to take it, and need to look to start protecting yourself from such outbursts. You are not her verbal punching bag. Your spirit can only take so much. At some point, you will begin to see yourself as an adult, and a separate entity from her, and start protecting yourself from her abuse. Its very unfortunate that the situation disintegrates to this sometimes, but there's only so much you can do for her, if she insists on drinking.

You are not a monster. From your posts about this situation, you sound like you care immensely for your mother, and are stymied on how to take care of her. It sounds like you would want nothing more than to have a loving relationshiop with your mother, and have her care about you, and say how much she loves you, and let her know how much you love her. Its very difficult to speak rationally with alcoholics when they are 'looped'. Sometimes, its even difficult when they are 'sober' between binges. Cognitive dialogue is often impossible. If your mother is becoming increasingly angry with you while she drinks (which sounds like it is the case), you can't reason with her. The best thing you could do, is take care of yourself. That means protecting your spirit and mind from hearing such painfully hurtful things.

I am sure your mother loves you very much. Unfortunately, alcoholism is a disease that ravages minds, and many things are said that are not true, and are not meant. That doesn't really help once they are uttered; it hurts the same. You need to love her in spite of herself and this disease. She is probably depressed as well. She needs treatment. I'm not sure how old you are, and if you have someone older, who is close to your mother, whom she respects. If there is someone like this that you can turn to, who can help you, do it. They can help you get treatment for your mother. I know you want the best for her, and want her to be well, and happy, and loving.

I'm so, so, sorry that you are going thru this. But that is important for you to realize: you are going through this situation, you are not staying in it. You will get through it, and come out stronger, and be more sympathetic to others in the same situation. It will take a while, but you will make it. I hope you have friends who you trust, and to whom you can lean on. We are here at DU for you, but sometimes you just need a REAL hug, feeling the arms encircling you, and holding you. We are always here to send you lots of these:
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

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OldLeftieLawyer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat May-07-05 10:09 PM
Response to Original message
17. Bide your time
Keep talking about it, because it looks like you've got a really solid support system here. Mark the days and don't for one minute think that you're wrong.

You're fine, you're healthy, you're right, she's wrong, and you did nothing to cause any of this.

You also can never do anything to fix it. You're stuck with the situation as it is, with your mother as she is, and you already know that it's not for you.

Then, when it's time for you to go, you leave. I mean you leave, and you don't ever look back because the truth is - hard as it is to take, maybe - that there is nothing good there for you, there in nothing you can ever get from that woman who gave birth to you, and your real family are the ones who love you.

Don't look back, no regrets, and live a long and happy life knowing that you saved yourself in the only way available to you.

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