Don't Ever Judge a Chili Contest

[CO Liberal]

I am posting this in honor of the chili cookoff they're showing right now on Food Network, - Wayne

* * * * *

CHILI CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!


Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/25206.html

[BlueJazz]

1. Damn!..That's Funny...Jesus Chrrr-ist..... Especially this line >>

"I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics".

[CO Liberal]

2. Thanks

I post this from time to time - it seemed appropriate tonight, since they were showing a chili contest on Food Network.

[mermaid]

3. Oh, Christ!! I Laughed My Ass Off!!

As a recently transplanted Texan (moved to Pennsylvania) I died laughing reading this...thinking about all the new people I have met...and realizing most of them would be judge number three...they have never yet had Angela's Atomic Avalanche yet!!

Yes, that is MY own chili creation, and I guar-ahn-tee ya it'll melt the fillings in your teeth!

My recipe?

No beans...lots of tomato and onion, makes for a very juicy chili...I use shredded beef in my chili...and fuck the jalapeños...they are for wimps and Easterners..I use habañeros! Now, if any of y'all have ever encountered habañeros, you will know why I call my chili Angela's Atomic Avalanche!

I can't wait till this winter when I can make up a batch of it, and laugh my ass off, when all my new friends, who think they can take my chili, actually get a chance to have some of it with me. And, yes, I will be eating of the same chili they are. But I know who's gonna be the only one standing at the end of the night!! :rofl:

[CO Liberal]

8. No - The Others Will Be Standing At The End of the Night, Too...

Because once the habañeros kick in, they won't be able to sit down for a week!!

:-)

[Taxloss]

4. Very funny

But clearly apocryphal

[Magrittes Pipe]

11. Clearly....

Because if this were a true Texas chili cookoff, there would have been no notes about beans; beans being verboten in proper Texas-style chili (putting them in your bowl of red will get you disqualified).

[warrens]

5. I had to stop reading

I was in danger of causing serious damage. That was hilarious.

I was at the Food Marketing Institute show today, and in the Mexican pavilion, some guy had a lineup of really great looking hot sauces. From cool to hot. So I was tasting each one and I got to the next to last one and while it tasted GREAT (I have a bottle for later) a bit got on my chapped lips.

I'm still in pain, hours later.

[Ilsa]

6. I'm laughing so hard, it hurts because I can't make any noise

because everyone has gone to bed. I'm making that wheezy laugh sound and tears are running down my cheeks.

[Historic NY]

7. You know I still got some in the freezer...............

about a month ago or so one of my buddies from work came over real late to watch some vids and drink beer. He is one of those whimpy fellows that dies if he has too hot barbque sauce. He actually sweats like a fountain if he has anything hot. It getting late so he asks what do you have to eat? Well, I got my famous work chili (I make it on the mild side but it has some bite) he says fire it up. Well I fixed hm the chili and he had just about eaten the enitre container. I should have mentioned its about 4am, I'm sitting watching him sweat. I told him to go home I wanted to go to bed. His wife asked me the next day what did I do? Me, nothing I fixed him some chili. He didn't have a hang over but he was pretty well messed up from downing all that chili. The moral is if your getting the munchies at 4am you might want to reconsider having chili, especially when your going home to your wife. He later told me he was farting fire....see I told you my chili is mild going in but screams on the other end. I mask some of the heat with molasses found in some good steak sauce when I do the meat.

[davsand]

9. I'd forgotten about this one.

I do one chili cook-off a year here in Illinois--it is an event done by the the local business development alliance and I do the cooking for "Team Democratic". What I usually do is do all the prep work and the actual cooking but make Dem Candidates or elected officials serve the chili. Our entire booth is decorated in political or campaign signs and it is chock full of campaign literature.

It works great because this is a day long event held in conjunction with a farmer's market and beer tasting. We have people walking thru there all day long. They go from booth to booth just checking it all out. I enjoy it a lot because it gives us a chance to talk to a lot of people. We even do a "free hot dog/brat" lunch thing to encourage it!

Don't laugh, it is a great even for us because it puts a fun face on the Dems and it gets us out there when we are giving people something rather than knocking on doors or phone calling. Last year I had people bringing me stuff to put out--like anti-shrub bumper stickers and buttons that they'd had made. It is just a hoot.

I try and put fun stuff out as well, and this chili cook-off joke might be a good one for people who want that "special" laugh. :evilgrin:

I've taken first place the last two years--I want to continue my winning streak!



Laura

[CO Liberal]

10. Good to Hear About Chili Helping The Cause!!!

:kick: