Am I crazy? Cause I'm stunned by what my sister did....

[the Princess]

Today is my parents 50th wedding anniversary. Last night we went to their home for a family *meet and greet* thingy. My sister and I have not spoken in a long, long time. But amazingly she was sweet and freindly and very nice to be around.

After a few hours she hurded us all into the TV room so we could watch a video that was "Her" gift (one of 3) for mom and dad. Upon hearing this I knew this was gonna hurt me. The film was of their closest friends back in NJ saying Happy Anniversary and telling stories about my parents and old pics of my parents and pics of them with their grandkids.

I had to fight back the tears. She never once told me she was gonna do this. I may be crazy but this is my parents 50th - it's special and I never would have left her out of such a thing. No pics of me were in the movie - no wait their was one were I was about 5. And I was stunned that everyone thought it was so lovely. Wayne - my darling husband - is also so angry about the whole thing.

And her next surprise? She brought my parents best friends in from NJ for the party tonite. I almost lost it at that point. And now tonite at the party - there is one more BIG SURPRISE. Whoopty Fuckin Doo!!

I don't know what to do at this point. I can't hurt my parents by not showing for the party. But I am so hurt I'm crying right now. I never liked her - but I could never be that cruel to her.

Am I crazy???

[mark414]

1. i would say no you are not crazy

granted i am pretty young but my parents celebrated their 25th a couple of years ago and my siblings and i all consorted on what to do

while i don't know your sister, or you, it still seems like a kind of shallow thing to do...like she was trying to show you up or something

[Mutley]

2. I don't think you're crazy

but maybe pull her aside and talk to her about it if you can without starting a brawl. Maybe there is a good explanation for it after all. If not then you'll be able to express feelings about it. Just try not to start a big fight over it. It is your parents special day after all.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

3. Some people are just assholes

Get over it. It's not about you and every family has at least one. I could tell you stories........

Definition of dysfunctional family: Family with more than one member.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

4. P.S. How did you post that picture?

That guy could be my twin brother.

[tjdee]

5. I don't get what the problem is?

Actually, let me rephrase--it was wrong of her to not have you in the video at all (I assume she was in it, and any other siblings?). Wrong and crappy. That would make me feel awful and kind of violent!

But I'm completely confused why you would be upset that she brought their friends from NJ--seems it would be a nice surprise for your parents. Why would you almost lose it? I don't see how that's a reflection on you.

As you say, you and your sister haven't spoken in a long time. Why would she tell you her plans? It does sound like she wants to show you up a bit, but your parents must be happy, and that's who *their* anniversary is about, isn't it?

But the video is way fucked up.

[liberalhistorian]

11. I agree; other than your not being

in the video, I don't see what the problem is, either. It seems to me you're being a little too sensitive about the whole thing, not to mention a little petty. It would be very wrong for you not to go tonight just because of your own oversensitivity, this is your parents' 50th, after all, a very special milestone, and it shouldn't be ruined just because you perceive a slight where there might not be one.

[LynneSin]

37. I see where you folks are going with this, let me expand some...

I think if the sister just brought the friends from NJ it wouldn't have been a big deal. However, I think it's just a culmination of events that has Princess upset. I know how I get when I'm upset. Once it starts everything just adds to it. For Princess it was probably just the video but then friends from NJ probably just added to the hurt.

[Southsideirish]

30. I read an awful lot about YOU but what about your folks? Were THEY

happy? Sorry to be so cold, but I have to say, get over yourself. So what if YOU were ignored? Be the bigger person and think about them and their happiness and put your own ego aside.
I've been hurt by my family a million times, I don't know why. I just roll with it.

[lady lib]

6. You're not crazy.

At the very least she was incredibly insensitive to your feelings by not including you. This kind of stuff is petty and destructive and mean. Give your parents your own heartfelt gift and add a photo that includes everyone.

[chookie]

7. Nodding head in sympathy

No -- you're not crazy. Your feelings are perfectly normal and appropriate.

What is unclear is your sister's conscious intent.

I have an absolutely wonderful, kind, generous sister -- who is controlling, and does stuff like this too, which makes me crazy. She goes around with the assumption that what she has in mind to do, and how she would execute it, is the best plan and is not up for discussion. Its also a way of asserting power, and making a drama queen show of "OH LOOK WHAT A WONDERFUL DAUGHTER I AM to have done all of this, so much more than my sister, huh?"

How aware your sister is of her motivation, and the effect it has on people is not clear. I clashed with my sister when she totally hijacked my father's 80th birthday celebration -- when I asked what i could do to help, she said, me and my friends are taking care of everything, end of conversation. (Meanwhile I am a great cook and caterer and have vast experience in throwing big parties....) After I blew off lots of hot emotional steam to a friend and calmed down, I told her how I felt to have been so excluded from the celebration -- and after being initially upset, she admitted that she is no naturally controlling that she just does stuff like this without thinking. We negotiated the party, and I was able to be the co-host, instead of just the dummy who just showed up having done nothing for the big occasion.

I am lucky in that she has at least some awareness of how she is -- a few years ago it would not have been this way, because she couldn't even entertain the idea that she could be wrong about anything or needed to consult anyone even if they were directly effected by her behavior. Somehow she's gotten the message and is aware she has control issues, which is wonderful.

My advise would be -- let her know how you feel, in as diplomatic manner as possible (which can be hard when one has been on the receiving end of such major bullshit). You might not win today, but if you at least plant a small seed of wisdom into her -- that her behavior is hurtful and is motivated by --say, control freak issues, or narcissism, power issues -- even if she doesn't get it right away, some day, who knows, it might add up. It's been kinda good for me, because I am getting lots of practice controlling my temper and negotiating with people, and asserting myself. (Let me add that having grown up in a household with not 1 but 3 domineering controlling women, I never learned self-esteem, negotiation skills, or assertive communication skills, all very necessary tools to live in human society, so this is very new to me....)

I bet you feel awful. It's bad enough to have been pushed out of the picture on a big occasion like this in such a public manner, but now I would suppose you are under a lot of pressure not to be a "skunk" and "create any unpleasantness" when she was such a saint to have done all the things she did for your dear parents, who were so touched, etc etc etc. Believe me, she did all of this knowing that you would cooperate, because you had no alternative. But don't let her get away with it, without letting you know how bad it made you feel, and why, and how you want her not to ever do such a thing to you again. BTW -- you're lucky you're hubby is being supportive; some guys might not "get it" as to the inner workings of shit like this.

Good luck. I feel for you.

[Texasgal]

8. Man... that really sucks!

I don't think yur crazy at all! It sounds as though your Sister is trying to "Out do" you.

To hell with her! Be gracious, tell your parents you love them, no money or special gifts can EVER replace that!

Good Luck! And keep you chin up! :)

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

9. I'm sure your parents knew one of their children was missing from the

presentation and I am sure they know you didn't boycott it.

Let your sister's actions speak for themselves and bite the bullet....there's always LATER to deliver the appropriate communication and it will be more the communication you INTEND to deliver if you wait til the emotions pass.

[sallydallas124]

10. sounds to me

like deep down there may be a part inside of her that's trying to get a rise out of you, most likely due to conflicts that haven't been resolved or communicated. If it were me, I'd try to keep the emotional focus on my parents, try to have a good time, and ignore her, I'm sure partially good intentioned, shenanigans. Whether you want to discuss your feelings or not with her, I think, depends ultimately on whether you want to start working on healing the rift between you.

[Rabrrrrrr]

12. I'm not sure why you are upset

Clearly, you are upset, but you haven't given any specific reasons about how and why you are feeling hurt on this.

:shrug:

At one point you say you are hurt because she left you out of the loop and didn't ask you to participate, but then you go on at length at what makes it seem that what really bothers you is that there weren't any pictures of you in the video, but then you also stated that the video was "of their friends and their grandchildren", so it sounds like the children weren't in that anyway.

And why feel hurt that she brought her friends in from NJ?

I think there's something deeper than what you are telling us. Is that your sister, whom you don't like, showed you up? Or that she intentionally is trying to hurt you?

It's hard to read objectively the motives of people we don't like.

[skygazer]

13. It's like the old saying

"You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family." Not pretty, but true.

There are plenty of us who have family members with whom we would never be friends if they were not related to us. As a matter of fact, we would likely actively hate them. Yet because they're family, we feel an obligation to them.

I'm sure there is so much more to this story than what is in your post. Family problems are deep and complicated. The thing is, you are allowing her to hurt you. No, I'm not saying this is your fault - it's not. But you have to recognize that she is the way she is and there is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is ignore her bullshit and focus on your parents, whose celebration this is. Don't turn it into a feud by not showing - that would only hurt them and probably please your sister. Show up with your head high and be better than her. I'm sure your parents know who you are and love you. That's what really matters. :hug:

[crispini]

19. Amen!

Here's a hug.... :hug: Ignore her BS and focus on your parents -- right on!

[SoCalDem]

14. Take your parents aside, hug them and wish them a happy Anniversary

Your sister suffers from HLAM disease, and unfortunately it's incurable.. Your parents already know this..

Parents are not swayed by ostentatious gifts anyway.. I have one son who is always broke, and a phone call from him is always "enough"..

:hug:



HLAM = HEY, look at MEEEEEEE!!!

She probably tap-danced on the coffee table at "adult parties" that your parents had too :)

[uppityperson]

17. Good diagnoses

I have one of these in my family too. This person is not part of the inner family group due to past things, but HLAM person continues trying too hard to get attention. We all look in pity. At least they are trying to do something nice. Too bad it just doesn't work and no one trusts them. Have fun at the party.

[bettyellen]

15. that cruel? honey, you are overreacting.

it was snotty and show-offy, yeah but cruel? not at all.
get over it, and tell her how you feel after the whole thing is over. don't screw up your parents party with drama over a little slight.

[Floogeldy]

18. I gotta agree with you

Big sis might be selfish. It happens, unfortunately.

But I don't see this as a serious problem.

[hlthe2b]

16. No doubt you have reason, but I'd encourage you to focus on parents...

and what you can do to make this mile marking anniversary special for them. I don't doubt the pain you are feeling personally at your sister's actions, but you can't do anything about it now. By focusing on your parents, my guess you will feel better. If you wrote off your sister long ago, what is the point in revisiting this latest transgression? Perhaps you really subconsiously WANT to make up with her?

[Cuban_Liberal]

20. Just today, let it go, and focus on your folks.

I'm sure you have a good reason to feel this way, but today is about your folks. Let them know how much you love them--- gve them a hug and a kiss or two, and let them both know how and why they're special to you. You can't change your sis (who sounds like she has major problems of her own), so the only thing you CAN change is how YOU deal with today.

:hug:

[gollygee]

21. I agree with everyone else - let it go

she might have been trying to one-up you, or it might just have been because you two haven't talked in so long. Try not to take it too personally and just get on with the party and have a good time for your parents' sake.

[hfojvt]

22. doesn't sound cruel to me

but inconsiderate. It blows to be left out of the video, but it still sounds like a pretty cool video.
My parents have five kids, and as the song goes, I am the black sheep. The only one unmarried with no kids. I hate travelling in the winter and the huge family gatherings seem like a madhouse that I would rather avoid. So I always end up the the Clausmas card: "all of our kids came for Cursegiving (or some other holiday), except hfojvt."
On the other hand, although I am 2nd oldest I was at home the longest (only until I was 23) so I visited cousins and uncles more than others and maybe did more writing. My mom said once that they always ask about me, she said "you would think we only have one kid". Maybe that has changed because they all went to NY last year when I could not.

[latebloomer]

23. "cursegiving"?

I like it!! Got any more?

[the Princess]

26. thank you everyone

There is so much background to this story - that on the surface it looks like I am overeacting. It's just one more straw. I've taken 44 years of my sisters shit.

I really do appreciate everyone who took the time to respond. You ALL made me see this in a different way.

But my sister is still a skank!! :)

[bigwillq]

32. I think you need to take that trip to Australia

ASAP!:)

[the Princess]

34. I'm ready when you are

:)

[bigwillq]

24. I would be pissed, no you're not crzy but....

This is your parents day, let them, their friends, the rest of the family and you as well enjoy and celebrate this happy event.

Maybe the next day, I would confront your sister, tell her how you feel, etc...
As for your parents, I'm sure they know you love them and they love you and it doesn't matter how many surprises or gifts you get them.


I also wouldn't feel too stunned, shocked over this whole event. You say you and sis have never been close for some reason or another. Obviously, this may not be the first time she has pulled a stunt like this or something to the extent since you haven't spoken in such a long time.


Just my $.02. Enjoy the party. Congrats to your folks!:hi: :hug:

[khashka]

25. You're a little over sensitive but not crazy

The video thing was pretty bad. Ideally it should have celebrated your parents marriage with images of them with all their kids. It should have been a celebration of family - the family they created. She totally screwed you over on that one.

Bringing the friends in? Nothing to do with you. I'm sure you would have liked to be included but you weren't, the important thing, however, is your parents...

So take a deep breath, babe, wipe away the tears and make sure your parents have a great time. It's their day, a good day, they shouldn't see you sad or hurt, they should see you happy and proud for them. Make 'em happy. Look, they ain't totally stupid - they raised you didn't they? They aren't entirely clueless about what is going on. This is not about you or your sister, it's about your parents. So make 'em proud. You can confront your sister later, but not today.

This hurts, surely. But you have a husband who stands by you. And parents who love you and whom you love. Focus on that, at least for now.

Do the right thing. It would be really easy to be a total bitch about this - but leave that role for your sister, apparently she's good at it.

Khash.

[Robeson]

27. Sounds a lot like a lot families.....

...its hard. Just try to rationalize it with yourself and remember this is for your parents. Get through the weekend for them, to make them happy. You might have to do a little disassociation from your sisters antics. I know its tough, this has gone on in my family for multiple-generations. Hang in there...:hug:

[DawgHouse]

28. We had a similiar experience

with my DH's older sister at his parent's 50th. She wanted to be in charge of the whole thing and didn't want input from the other three children. She is basically a control freak anyway so we expected her to act like that. She felt that because she was the eldest, it was her party and the other children were just invited guests. It would have been nice if your sister had let you participate equally in putting together the video. But she didn't and it's not your fault. Just put it behind you and realize that she's always been this way and she always will.

[GardeningGal]

29. I don't think you're crazy or too sensitive.

I think you're sister is insecure and has a need to grandstand to make her feel more important. I know it's hard, but in my opinion it's best to let her have the attention she so obviously needs.

Don't let this spoil the rest of the celebration. Cherish the times with your parents because when they're gone, it's the memories that will help you and you want them to be positive. I know because both my parents are now gone and I don't think there's a day that goes by that I don't miss them.

[gardenista]

31. Try to rise above. She clearly needs lots of attention and approval.

Yeah, she's showing off. Yeah, she's a pil. Yeah, she's excluding you, probably on purpose. The way to drive her nuts is to ignore her extravagant self one-upsmanship. She is going completely overboard, and she is probably expecting a reaction out of you. Or maybe not. The trick is to get yourself into the mindset where you don't care. Don't try to keep up with this, it's a waste of your time. Just be there, be pleasant, and try not to get hooked into competing with her. She's obviously expecting a big reaction and praise. If it bothers you, don't praise her, don't even mention it. Then, after everything is over, if she approaches you wanting your attention over her showmanship, tell her what you really think. But if you REALLY want to get her goat? Ignore it.

She is making this whole thing about her. Keep the focus on your parents.

[Wapsie B]

33. No you're not crazy at all.

You're a very warm caring person. Unfortunately it's like the old saying, "You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family."

:hug:

[the Princess]

35. Thanks

I needed that!:hug:

[nini]

36. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

If so, things your sister does won't change that. Let it go and make the most of this special time for your parents.