A little advice on a VERY delicate matter, please??

[Blue_Tires]

I'm not usually given to asking questions like this, but there is no one I can comfortably ask, and what's better then a message board full of opinionated strangers??

For starters, I'm 28 years old and have become childfree as I've gotten older (this means that for my own reasons, I don't have kids of my own, and I've made a conscious choice to not have kids involved in my life at all, and I'm hoping to find a childfree woman to live as a childfree couple for the rest of my life). It was an eventual change; I was about 50 percent childfree in college, and my certainty gradually got greater...it's about 95 percent now...

My potential problem lies in my past, and for some irrational reason, I can't get it out of my head. Back when I was in college in another city, I donated to a sperm bank for about a year--Did it for the $$$$ and all that...What worries me to death is the prospect of some future children of mine trying to track me down and interrupting my life, wanting me to do the family thing. I know for a fact I signed a waiver at the bank stating I was my info was never to be released, and I did not want contact, but places do lose files, go out of business, and I guess someone could find me if truly motivated (there was a Dateline special some years back about teen/adult kids tracking down sperm donors, with the usual variety of mixed reactions when the kid comes knocking on the door with NBC cameras running).

Granted, I may have NO kids running around; the sperm could have just been used for research purposes (in fact, the clinic said it was more likely to be used for that). But from time to time, these thoughts worry me...Would it be out of line to contact the clinic to ask how many kids I've helped create?? (to know if I should expect that knock on the door in the future). Or maybe contact the clinic (if it is still running) to kind of reiterate my 'don't ever come looking for me' stance??

Or should I just forget about it, and ponder other issues certain to give me more gray hairs??

Thanks in advance.

[FreepFryer]

1. Dad? (n/t)

[RagingInMiami]

2. Forget about it and have a wank

But this time, flush it down the toilet.

[Renew Deal]

3. Call and see what they say.

For the fun of it. Then live with the torture the answer gives you.

Or, don't call. How much do you care? They're not really your kids anyway.

To me it sounds like you're worrying about nothing.

[Blue_Tires]

4. i guess so...

i'm one of those chronic worrying types...i guess it makes me feel a little better to bring it out and talk about it (believe me; i couldn't tell a single soul IRL about this)

[Not_Giving_Up]

5. If you contact them

They are likely to tell you that they can't give you that information. If they tell you that, you're likely safe from a knock on your door, because they won't tell the potential kid either.

[Blue_Tires]

7. that's what I'm thinking

[Bouncy Ball]

9. I was just about to say that.

In fact, it might be a nice way for Blue_Tires to check up on their security, call up and ask questions.

If they can't tell him anything, then he'll know they are safe.

Actually, Blue_Tires, you probably signed a waiver each time you made a "deposit" saying that you sign over those sperm and you absolve yourself of any responsibility for what happens to them, or could potentially happen to them.

I wouldn't worry about it, seriously. Chances are, there aren't any little Blue_Tires running around.

[Kire]

6. Why don't you find a nice girl and settle down.

Give me some grandkids.

[Blue_Tires]

8. ma? is that you?

[lenidog]

10. I would say forget about it

There are probably more important and immediate things in you life that need your attention then that.

[Lisa]

11. An ex-boyfriend of mine actually had a similar situation ...

In his case, he knew for sure that his sperm had been used -- and that the child was a boy who was being raised in a particular East Coast city. He didn't have the protection of a waiver and clinic procedures, since the procedure had been done as a favor to a friend (of the woman he was then married to, actually). While we were going out, he did tell me that, even though all parties had agreed to a no-contact policy, it wasn't totally impossible (though it did seem pretty unlikely, given the circumstances) that the child himself might at some date try to get in touch. My ex's decision was that if this did happen, he would regard the boy as being the son of the family that raised him but with no rights/obligations beyond providing background medical data, e.g. whether there was a family tendency towards diabetes or heart disease. (I wasn't put off by the sperm donor revelation, and it didn't play a role in our later decision to go our separate ways.)

Anyway -- I don't think it would be a breach of anyone's privacy if you contacted the clinic, just to inquire whether any children did exist. Since it's on your mind enough to ask, it might help ease any concerns.

p.s. if by the tiniest chance some person did track you down, what's the worst that could happen? Both you and any recipients of the sperm are legally protected from anybody claiming that you "owe" them financially or in terms of family affection. I suppose that any possible offspring could ask about genetic tendencies in your family, but if they haven't gotten in touch with you already about some urgent medical matter, I don't think it would occur. The kid(s) would not be old enough this decade to do that on their own, and by the time they are, a lot of genes will likely have been mapped so they wouldn't need you to tell them about your Uncle Phil with the hypertension or whatever.

[Blue_Tires]

13. ok...thanks

i feel a lot better now

[Floogeldy]

12. Fate is strange.

Live your life as you wish, and deal with it if it happens.

I'm not sure you have told us the whole truth, but stop ruminating.

B-)

[Blue_Tires]

14. everything i have said is true,

omitting hardcore specific details, of course...if you have questions, or need clarification, just ask...

[MI Cherie]

15. One should never …

… make a sperm donation — whether via ONS, LTR, or SB deposit — without having to consider the consequences.

If offspring exist, does your right to privacy or preference for peace outweigh their right to know their medical history and ancestry?

[Blue_Tires]

16. you're right

but you know the deal; just young naive college-age thinking...like a lot of people during that age, consequences were not something i really thought about---fwiw, if they want medical history, the clinic has all that in the files...

[enigmatic]

17. Forget about it...

And congrats for being child-free and unapologetic; my wife and I are and have never once regretted it...

[Blue_Tires]

18. ok....i did a little googling

and found that there is NOTHING to worry about...I found the site for the clinic (surprising that I still remembered the name), and they maintain their strict confidentiality policy....

relief...now i can worry about other things...(like finally finding that childfree woman, maybe??)

[REP]

20. Best Way To Attract A CF Woman

is to get a vasectomy! A lot of men say they don't want children - then they turn around with a bad case of baby-rabies. Been there, done that, got blisters from running the hell away. Also, if you hook up with someone who changes her mind without telling you (unfortunately, there's no shortage of women who think they can "oops!" a man into wuvving babies), you don't have to worry about child support for the next 18 years.

[WinterStorm]

21. "Baby Rabies"

ROFL The big "V" saves you on court dates and subpoenas.

[imenja]

23. okay guys, you're doing a great job advertising for lesbianism

If you have sex with a woman, any woman, you need to be prepared to father her child. Now chances are she wouldn't actually want you near the kid, but you'd have to pay child support. Women get pregnant. It's one of the pesky side effects of sex, but it takes two to tango. So guys need to assume equal responsibility for birth control and, in the event of its failure, any children that result.

So there are two choices: get the vasectomy or keep the pants zipped. Either way, the women and children of American thank you for it.

Edit: Now where's the nearest Lesbian bar?

[REP]

46. I'm A Woman, And You're Not My Type

Thanks for playing - please drive through.

Edited to add: I've had a tubal ligation, an endometrial ablation and I have ovarian cysts - if I end up with sperm poisoning, look for the second coming.

[imenja]

55. oh, did I make a pass at you?

I didn't realize.

[REP]

62. You Brought Up Lesbianism

And while it's a GREAT way to stay Childfree, it's just not my thing.

[imenja]

67. I never suggested it was

It's just difficult to see that kind of chauvinism expressed by DUers. I like to maintain the illusion that Democrats are more evolved.

I just realized that you wrote that offensive post, and you're female. I don't know how to respond. I'm in complete shock.

[REP]

69. Offensive? That's A Reach!

I see you are looking not for information, but for a fight. I am sorry I misunderstood your intent before. I am not interested in fighting with you, so I will bid you goodnight.

edit: punctuation

[imenja]

74. no

A number of other women were similarly stunned. It read like a comment from a guy that sleeps around with dozens of women and claims they trap him into pregnancy. Why is it that you see only women as bearing responsibility for birth control and pregnancy?

[UncleSepp]

31. Might not be possible

A man I know had trouble getting a vasectomy at first - he is engaged, has a child with the lady he's engaged to, but the doctor still balked at first because of his age.

For a woman who has never had children, a tubal ligation can be very hard to get. Somehow the doctors seem to think that "oh honey you'll change your mind", female doctors included. My sister, even after her first child, has had trouble getting one.

Reproductive choice is about a lot more than just abortion and birth control. My body, my choice ought to cover getting a vasectomy, a tubal ligation, or whatever you want. An adult who demands the procedure ought to have some counseling and information and then get what he or she has asked for.

[Radio_Lady]

42. You means a young single man can't get a vasectomy in the US?

He should go to another doctor and NOT tell him he's engaged!

[REP]

47. Guess Again!

I'm nulliparous - and sterilized. I know a lot of CF men and women who are sterilized. It can be done, though it is easier for men (the surgery is less invasive for one thing).

[Blue_Tires]

32. i'll be getting it done this year

after my move and start at a new job

[REP]

48. Good For You!

Be sure to get the "All Juice No Seeds" T-shirt!

[Radio_Lady]

41. I wish my husband had been childfree sooner!

We married with five children -- two mine and three his -- when I was 34 years old. He asked me what I wanted for a wedding gift. I asked him to get a vasectomy, which he did 90 days after we got married. I held his hand during the (very simple) procedure.

It was the best gift I've ever received!

[REP]

49. Child-Free = No Children, Ever

So I think you mean you wish he'd been sterilized sooner - unless you're saying something about your step children.

[Radio_Lady]

54. You got it -- just supposing that NEITHER of us were parents!

Shall we say that the stepchildren, whose mother had died at age 34, have never accepted me or their father's remarriage? That would be putting it mildly. Stepfamilies are quite difficult, especially for the woman. My husband's first wife died when she was 34, leaving three young children.

They were 13, 11 and 8 when she died. When we remarried, I tried everything I knew to help and care for them. However, there was emotional baggage that I didn't even know about and it has created some deep difficulties for us. Remember, at that time (1973) there was little or no support for families like ours. Even now, I hear that 60% of remarriages with children break up within a year.

Yes, I could have conceived a life WITHOUT children, but in my generation, it just wasn't to be. It would have been quite different, I'm sure, with more concentration on husband and career. But by the time I read and understood Ellen Peck's book, "The Baby Trap," I already had a sweet little girl, age 3, and a darling boy, age 2. Those are children by my ex-husband.

The good news is that all five children are educated, employed, healthy. No one is in prison or on drugs. I take comfort in that. I know a couple of women my age (65) or older who have no children and seem to have no regrets.

[Pool Hall Ace]

45. I'm glad you have nothing to worry about.

I'm childfree, too, and I wasn't sure how many CF DUers are out there. :toast:

[WinterStorm]

19. How much did they pay you?

What are you going to do if you call the bank up and they tell you that you are the proud pappa of 100 kids :evilgrin:

Edit: I hope that they didn't "outsource" your sperm to other countries. "Sir, your son is running with OBL" :scared:

[imenja]

22. What is 50 percent child free?

"I was about 50 percent childfree in college, and my certainty gradually got greater...it's about 95 percent now..."

What does this mean? I would think it's either zero or 100 percent. Do you have children you've abandoned? Sorry, but I don't understand what you're saying here.

If it's simply a question of being a sperm donor, I'm sure you could instruct the sperm bank to release your name under no circumstances. Since it's obviously such a great concern for you, get a lawyer to write out a very clear order mandating them not to do so.

[Bronco69]

24. The way I read it is that in college he was 50% sure he wanted to

be child free and now he is 95% sure he wants to be child free.

[imenja]

25. oh,okay

I hope you're right. Doesn't sound like that big of a dilemma to me. Get a vasectomy and call the sperm bank. Easily solved.

[Wat_Tyler]

39. Sounds to me like he's trying to exclude all children from his life.

Maybe he just worded it badly.

[MollyStark]

26. You asked for it

You decided to exchange sperm for money and irregardless of the responsibilty of the Clinic to keep your information private, the children you fathered (potentially) have a right to know their background. Why do you think it is okay to create children and then walk away?
If some child of yours tracks you down in years to come, act like a man and take responsibility for your choices.

[flvegan]

29. Huh?

"create children and walk away"????

"take responsibility for your choices"????

It's way to early on a Monday to even fathom responding to this coherently.

[imenja]

36. that's scary

It's not a very difficult point to understand. Especially given the OP's cryptic references to 50% child free and 95% child free. There just might be something else going on here besides turning up at a sperm bank.

[REP]

51. Childfree = Doesn't Want and Doesn't Have Children

Also known as "Childless by Choice" although we're not "less" anything because of our reproductive choices. There's nothing sinister about that!

[imenja]

56. okay, so what is 50% child free vs. 95%?

either you have kids or you don't. Unless of course someone has children and abandons them. The OP never addressed my query as to what he meant.

[REP]

59. "Undecided" 50% Maybe Kids 50% Maybe Not

Not that hard. You can't have half a kid, after all.

[imenja]

63. well if you consider some of the fathers across this country

you would realize that is not the case. That is what those references conjured up in my head. Since he never responded, I can't help but wonder if that might not be the case.

[REP]

64. I Read His Post; I Know What "Childfree" Means

It means "doesn't have and doesn't want children." He's not a father and doesn't want to be, hence his concern about his donated sperm at a sperm bank.

Let's not jump to unkind conclusions about OP when he's made it pretty clear he doesn't want kids, so it's pretty clear he doesn't have any to abandon.

[imenja]

66. I guess I don't see a dilemma then

Get a lawyer to writing a binding confidentiality agreement for the sperm bank. Get a vasectomy. End of story.

[SemiCharmedQuark]

70. He sold sperm. His responsibility ended at the clinic.

Sperm are just cells. He has no responsibility to anyone else and certainly not to any "children" that might have resulted from his donation. He provided a service, received payment, end of transaction.

[tjwmason]

71. Not at all

A contract was entered whereby he provided that which was necessary to produce children for a couple/woman who were unable to have one by themselves. That contract stated that he was to remain anonymous.

This is nothing like a man who sleeps around and refuses to acknowledge his children. The choice which he made was anonymously to provide sperm to create children for other people, how does that create a responsibility upon him?

[Dastard Stepchild]

27. To the best of my understanding...

all states have confidentiality laws that protect individuals in cases like this. Certainly, as you mentioned, your clinic has this policy in place. I would, though, keep an eye on these laws in the upcoming years. There has been a rising swell of interest from adoptee childrens groups to allow for an unsealing of records so that the child can find out who the parent is on the basis of "medical needs" - e.g. needing to know medical history and such. So, this is likely to be a conversation over the next couple of years.
Not to have you worry even more, of course. :)

[Redstone]

28. Just stop worrying so much.

You sound like you're not entirely sure about your desire to be "child-free" (which, not to be argumentative, is kind of an irritating phrase; it makes you sound like you consider kids to be a pollutant) both now and in the future.

I din't want to have anything to do with kids until I had my first one (I was over 30 as well at the time), and didn't care to be around my first son's mother, either (that kid of situation), but found out that the little bastards can be a lot of fun if you relax and let them be fun.

You may change your mind as wellm so I'd advise you not to be so dogmatic about it now, lest you end up looking silly when someone reminds you of what you said back when you were 28 years old.

Redstone

[Scout]

37. child free is preferred over child less

child less has negative connotations, as if there is something wrong with those of us who have no children, for whatever reason. To me it implies something I want but can't have.

I don't want children of my own, therefore I am child free. Just like things are fat free, or acid free, etc.

I never wanted children, I was a good aunt to my nieces and nephews. I met my husband when we were both in our late thirties ... I found a man who not only was not a slut, but had no children either, and did not want any. I got my tubal ligation at age 41.

Child free does not assume children are a "pollutant" but describes a way of life.

[Redstone]

44. Your phrase DOES carry a negative connotation...

just look at the examples you used: "fat free, or acid free."

Neither of them desirable substances.

Not disputing your decision, of course. Not at all.

How about just "I don't have any kids?"

Redstone

[REP]

52. I Prefer Childfree

I'm not "less" anything because of my reproductive choices. Why judge?

[imenja]

58. no shit

This is ridiculous. I don't have children either but I'm not defensive about it or form some sort of support group.

[REP]

61. Good For You!

Have you made the commitment to make it permanent yet? I can give you some resources in your area if you'd like.

[imenja]

65. My ovaries are making that commitment for me

I'm sorry, but I find this absurd. Why on earth would I need resources to carry out my life as I always have? Not having kids doesn't cost money, it doesn't require time, or health insurance. It would be nice if people would devote themselves to something productive: voting reform, the environment, opposing the war, domestic violence, anything.... But sitting around coming up with ideologies and support groups for a simply deciding not to have children? The confessional society run amok. Foucault would have a field day.

[REP]

68. Can't Count On Cysts!

I've got 'em- got sterilized anyway. Remaining childfree *does* take money, my friend: birth control, even sterilization, ain't free. It costs a lot; I pay a higher rate of taxes than my childed friends and I cover their family insurance rates. So do you.

I don't about support groups, but since you seem to have primary infertility issues, there are probably several in your city.

I'm sorry you don't feel happy or proud about your reproductive decisions. Everyone should be happy with the major life decision they make.

[imenja]

72. taxes

people with children get an additional deduction because children are expensive, exponentially more than their tax credits. Begrudging parents a tax deduction is about as miserly as it gets. Call me crazy, but I'm just a tad bit more concerned about about my taxes subsidizing corporations and war rather than the little money that goes toward health care and education for children. It just never occurred to me that children were some great social ill that needed to be mobilized against.




Everyone is not happy about what happens in their lives. Choices sometimes come from a result of circumstances. Stuff happens. People get cancer, they lose loved ones, they are killed in Tsunamis. My not having children is neither a tragedy nor a point of celebration. It just is.

[REP]

53. "Childless" Implies Infertility; A Want That Cannot Be Fulfilled

Most people who describe themselves as "childless" are so not by choice but by circumstance, usually fertility issues. They feel they are less because they do not have children.

Childfree people, on the other hand, have made a conscious decision not to have children, and do not feel they are any less because of it.

[imenja]

57. A semantic difference to prove superior reproductive potential?

What is this a social movement? If people don't want kids, don't have them. End of story. It's not obligatory. If they do have kids, however, they have a responsibility to care or provide for them until the reach the age of 18. Of course that means nothing to some, but the law does require it.

Must there be support groups for everything?

[REP]

60. If You Say So

The OP doesn't have children. He donated sperm at a sperm bank.

And yes, Childfreedom IS a social movement! Read the international papers and you'll see it's causing quite a stir in Australia, for instance.

As for support groups for everything, can't answer that; I didn't say anything about support groups, although the infertile sure have a lot of them.

[queenjane]

30. Friend of mine helped pay his way through college by donating

He was blond, blue-eyed, healthy, and majored in mathematics. His profile was VERY popular. He estimates approximately 500 donations. After a newsmagazine broadcast a story on "sperm-donor" kids who wanted to find their biological fathers, he almost had a heart attack. However, they'd now be old enough to help around the house--"if they show up", he laughs, "I'm showing them where the mower is!"

As an aside, Blue_Tires, get a vasectomy and call me. For years, I've been looking for a guy who doesn't want kids! :-)

[crispini]

34. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.

500 donations?

[skygazer]

33. Wow. And I thought I worried about some odd things

No offense. But it seems to me like you're worrying over a very slim "maybe." And there's no sense worrying about things like that, especially when they're things you really can't do much about.

Sure you could call the clinic if it would ease your mind. But would it? There would still be that slim "maybe" out there.

Worry about the things that you can control. Don't waste your energy on the things you can't. Particularly negative energy which is just going to sap you of happiness.

If in future somebody contacts you and calls you "dad", all you have to do is explain that you donated anonymously and would prefer it to stay that way. Period. You certainly can't feel you owe that person anything.

[RedCloud]

35. Sperm bank donation?

Plenty of interest accrued on each deposit.
And substantial penalties for premature withdrawals!

[Taverner]

38. Dont worry about it

If you produced a kid, it was for a couple (or woman) who WANTED kids...

Thats more than you can say for a lot of other kids out there...

[BurtWorm]

40. People paid you to produce sperm?!`

:banghead:

I coulda been rich!

[hickman1937]

43. If you're only 95% sure, store some sperm and get clipped.

Just make sure you put in your will that incase of death the custody of the sperm goes to your lawyer with instructions to destroy it.

[imenja]

73. vasectomies can be undone

no need to break out the mason jars.

[candle_bright]

50. Sounds like a sticky situation

I hope you tell your future wife about it, though.

I think that's only fair, and then live your life. Hopefully, the confidentiality agreement will be honored. But it's better to tell her now rather than when the doorbell rings.