Lovelorn DUers Unite!

[NYBlackCat]

So, I'm not sure exactly why I'm making this post...but I felt like I needed to reach out for a little sympathy tonight from my favorite on-line group of people :-).

So, this last year has been IMMENSELY difficult for me, in addition to the political dismay of the last 12 months, this month marks the one year anniversary of a slow, painful, devastating breakup with someone that I truly believed I'd be with for a good long while...maybe ever the rest of my life...and who I still care for tremendously.

As the thread progresses, perhaps I can talk in a little more detail about the relationship and the breakup, but as a brief version, I'll just say that I am an about to graduate senior in college who dated an old high-school friend for 18 months. We had been friends for many many years, but it wasn't until we both reached college (in different locales) that she bent to my frequent overtures and we began to date formally. We were immensely happy for a year and a half, and often talked about our future, and how sure we both are that we had something truly special. To this day, the happy memories from someone that I love with all of my heart continue to make me laugh and cry at the same time.

Nevertheless, one year ago, things began to sour. I would visit my girlfriend about once a month, and we had had a tremendous time together for a long weekend at valentine's day. In the next month, however, it became clear from conversations, on the phone and on the computer, that something was wrong. I think it's a testament to how close we were that even before she told me directly that anything was wrong...I could sense it from the subtle changes in the way she spoke to me.

To this day, neither one of us has truly been able to put our fingers on what exactly went wrong. She claims to have simply, slowly, gradually lost her deep feelings for me, even while mine remained the same. Certainly, our lives were growing more stressful and complicated, but I remained the same generous, kind, VERY attentive person that I had always been, and it is not an exaggeration to say that I was thrown off a cliff psychologically by what seemed to me a pointless breakup. I yelled, screamed, and cursed for months before I came to truly accept the breakup, and in the end I may have just compounded the problems. Nonetheless, I really knew no other way to react to such a devastating blow.

Today, we have tried very hard to keep our working friendship, and while we still talk quite often, things are still often quite painful for me...knowing that we may never be as close as we once were, whether as friends or as a couple. I know that others suffer greater pain than I have, but at the same time, there is no overestimating the pain of a broken heart. Short of losing a loved one completely, I really can't imagine anything more likely to trigger such a deep depression and confusion.

My question then, to all of you DUers, would be whether any of you, men or women, have been through similar experiences, and what the best way is to work through them. Recently, there have been times now, a full YEAR later, that I finally felt ready to move on, but there are other times when things remain as painful as ever. Can anyone in this wonderful group offer me some words of wisdom on this difficult anniversary? I appreciate anything that people might offer to lift me at a difficult time, and I thank all of you simply for listening to one silly guy's sob story.

[KG]

1. relationships are over-rated

'self-love' is where it's at.

[xmas74]

2. Just buy something slippery and have fun.

[NYBlackCat]

3. Ummm....ok

Not the exact kind of "advice" I was hoping for, but thanks anyways ;-)

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

4. it is sad to have a broken heart

but Sufis say that one's heart must be broken so that it can have a greater accommodation for love. We even have practices we do to help heal a broken heart, and yet to honor the feelings.

For what it's worth, I know a fellow who had what he thought was a good relationship-a marriage with two kids. He was shocked when his wife threw him out, and was devistated. It took a while-yes, years-but he found his way and his spiritual path. We have been soulmates and deeply in love for fifteen years now. It can happen.

May peace be with you and your soul. May you find the happiness and love and fidelity that you seek.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

5. Sorry to ask this, but was she seeing someone else?

In my past, when someone pulled away and it wasn't mutual, it was infidelity and they waited for me to get sick of it and end it.
IF that's the case, you immediately begin to feel better the minute you realize how silly you've been to grieve someone who has treated you poorly.

[NYBlackCat]

6. I would be shocked...

I'd be absolutely shocked if I was being manipulated in any way. This gal has always been completely honest with me...and we have enough common friends that she would never be able to hide it from me if something was going on...I think I'd be able to sense it anyways. However, the real question is how badly I'm going to take it when she DOES end up with someone else for the first time...something tells me I might react like Giamatti in "Sideways"..."Did you drink and dial?!?" :-)

[Misunderestimator]

21. It would be my suspicion as well that she had, if not cheated on you

... found someone who interested her more. I'm sure that she thinks
it is better to spare your feelings by not telling you the whole
truth. The truth about her feelings changing is probably accurate,
but the catalyst being "I don't know" is suspect. At least that has
been my experience in at least four breakups. Only one of these
people intentionally tried to hurt me with infidelity, the others were
not manipulating me, they simply chose something else and for whatever
reason were not honest with me. Two of the others were eventually
honest, all of them ended.

Don't underestimate the ability of people to be able to hide things,
especially when you are not living together or apart for any regular
amounts of time.

You're young and it's clear that you know that the relationship is
over. I'm sure you will find someone who will have the same level of
love and loyalty as you do.

[tjdee]

7. It took a year for me...time is the only thing...perhaps no contact?

No contact worked best for me, because hearing from him/seeing pictures of him/hearing about him aggravated the situation.

Once I stopped talking to him, or expecting to talk to him, it took about four-five months for me to even entertain seeing other men. Because I was secretly hoping he'd come to his senses. I wanted to save the friendship, you want to save the friendship, but maybe there's nothing to save. Maybe there is. If there is, it's not going to go away because you back off to heal yourself.

And what will you do when she starts seeing someone else?

[NYBlackCat]

8. I've considered it

I've definetely considered not talking to her for a while...but it is SOOO much easier said than done. I mean, i don't talk to her more than a few times a week anymore, for brief periods...and I still just care about her so much...too much to ignore her altogether. In addition, she has made it quite clear that she doesn't want the friendship to dissapear. She's said she's willing to give me some space...but that she is insistent that we stay friends whatever it takes. I actually admire her persistence in this department...as I don't want to lose her altogether either...but it feels like one of those damned if i do, damned if i don't situations.

[tjdee]

13. Of course SHE wants to be friends, she's the one who broke it off!

She is not hurting as much as you are. So try not thinking about what *she* wants for a minute (because she's getting what she wants. Not to be dating you, but keeping you hanging around):

If YOU think not talking to her for awhile would help, if she's as great as you say she is, she will understand that. Is it easy? No. Take two weeks. That's nothing. You need time to clear your head, and having her voice in your head while you *think* you're doing that is not going to help.

If I could have retained the friendship in my case, I would have--so I'm not saying fuck the friendship. I'm saying give yourself a minute to rest. Good luck!

[NYBlackCat]

14. Thanks very much...believe me, I know that what you're saying makes sense

It's just the execution that's the hard part...but we'll see what happens, and thanks for the nice thoughts.

[tinfoilinfor2005]

17. If she really cared about you

she would stop stroking her ego by keeping you conveniently at hand, and let you go on with your life. Do you really want someone who is that selfish? It wouldn't be a pleasant life. Do yourself a favor and find someone who deserves you. You sound like a caring guy and that = a great catch.

[youngdem]

9. try to think

of all the annoying things she would do, and yes there are some, you just have to think about them.

[NYBlackCat]

11. There definetely are some....but.....

It wasn't all positive by any means, but any attempt to emphasize the negative falls flat...this really wasn't a situation where I was just happy to be with "someone"...I absolutely love this girl, because she truly is an amazing, beautiful, smart, exuberant, wonderful person, and I think I just need to come to terms with the fact that for reasons I may never understand, and certainly can't control, I lost an amzing thing. The sooner I move on from there, the better.

[youngdem]

19. Okay, get mad at me..

This is the exact same situation as my brothers, Roger is this you?
Okay if not here I go..

1. Do not try to be friends with her!! ( I am a woman, I know )
2. Quit calling her!
3. If she calls you, tell her you are busy, can not talk! ( Do not tell her you are going out on a date..will not work, let her "wonder" what you are doing)

Try to do this for one month (at least..if you are not Roger, let me tell you this he lasted one week, bad,bad,bad. However he is back on the program again) If you do this, it will give her some room to breathe and maybe figure out that it is you that she wants.

P.S. Just called Roger, the woman called him last week, he "blew" her off. She then called two days later, same deal. Now she is wondering if she screwed up and let the "one great love" get away.

[WilliamPitt]

10. I think you and I

should get together and go bowling.

My last year - two years, actually - bears an eerie resemblance to what you describe. It sucks big rocks.

[NYBlackCat]

12. I'm not much of a bowler....

...but I'm certainly with you in spirit at least. There is no question that it sucks a whole lot...but Will, it does help a little bit to know that others have been through what I have, and I certainly wish you all the best in dealing with your own sadness.

[youngdem]

20. Read above reply, from me.

[NYBlackCat]

15. Kick

Anybody else, thoughts?

[Abelman]

16. No advice

But I join you in your lovelornness. I am guilty of the other side, however. Broke up with a long relationship because I wasn't comfortable and I needed to figure myself out. Turned out I found out I was really in love with her, but of course, she had moved on and I can't have expected her to wait for me.

I'll never make such a mistake again. It's been nine months, so I'm pretty well over it, but in my location its impossible to find any gals to date.

Ah well, such is life.

[Longgrain]

18. I'm not even going to reply to this...

Oh wait, I just did!...:7

[tavalon]

22. I have one little piece of advice

let go of the friendship for now. I was once addicted to someone who had moved on when I most assuredly had not. I clung to the friendship as that was all I was going to get. Eventually, I moved out of town because I seemed powerless over my drug of choice. It took me a couple of years (that's five years to be honest) to get to the point that that person meant as little to me as I do to him.

Quit picking at the wound. It won't ever heal until you do.