WOMEN: I gotta know this, for real

[jswordy]

If, while standing in line (say at a Burger King waiting for a Whopper Combo, no mayo, add mustard, heavy pickle) a man you do not know said to you, "You are a hottie" or "You are so hot," how would you feel? Complimented? Afraid? Mad? What?

Just curious, I can't say why!

[Misunderestimator]

1. Annoyed and insulted... and I would give him a piece of my mind too.

[Blue-Jay]

9. Why are hotties like you so easily insulted?

;)

[Misunderestimator]

11. Why... I oughtta....

:spank: :P

[meganmonkey]

2. I'll be honest here

If he was visibly creepy I'd be mad. But if it was just some normal dude, I would be more flattered than I should be and I'd blush like crazy but pretend I wasn't blushing. I'd say thank you and then turn away and avoid eye contact :)

on edit: Later when I told the story I would make it like I was put off, but he and I would both know about the blushing ;)

[jswordy]

15. megan, thank you...

Did I tell you that you are really hot?

;)

[meganmonkey]

22. Hee hee

:blush:

:D

So are you!

[jswordy]

29. Really? How nice of you to say that!

:blush:

[amazona]

24. so what about the blushing?

I have pale skin. I blush when ANY stranger speaks to me on ANY subject. Please don't tell the creeps out there that this means I'm flattered by their creephood and that blushing is a sexual response, because it just plain isn't.

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of communists
and other subversives. We intend to clean them out,
even if it means rounding up every birdwatcher in the country.
--John Mitchell, US Attorney General 1969-72

[Misunderestimator]

26. Thank YOU!

:thumbsup: Exactly... I usually blush when I'm angry myself, so please don't go misinterpreting it as wanting the attention.

[meganmonkey]

37. I wasn't speaking for anyone but me

:shrug:

[WI_DEM]

39. lots of serial killers have looked pretty normal

I just don't see why people would feel insulted if it was some freaky looking guy but flattered if it was some "normal" looking guy.

[meganmonkey]

47. I didn't say 'freaky', I said 'creepy'

by which I meant shifty/shady/dangerous, to clarify.
I come from Ann Arbor and 'freaky' is 'normal' here. I certainly didn't mean attractive vs. unattractive in a superficial sense. I have dated bearded dreadlocked men and I have dated cleancut shaved men.

[MissMillie]

3. Complimented, but

also a little nervous, and probably a little embarrassed--Mostly because people have never responded to me that way.

[PinkTiger]

4. I would make sure I had a good hammerlock on my purse

And I would act as though he weren't talking to me. I would ignore him.
This is truly creepy.

[SpiralHawk]

5. Put that pickle down now

and back away slowly.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

158. You made me laugh out loud!

Thank you....

:hi:

[gollygee]

6. A bit creeped out

That's pretty familiar for strangers.

[Freebird12004]

If it was said in a respectful way, I would take it as a complement.

:thumbsup: and nothing more.

[Misunderestimator]

10. How does one say "You are a hottie" to a stranger in a fast food

restaurant in a respectful way? Maybe if it's directed at a little kid dressed in a costume that looks like a pepper? :shrug:

[Freebird12004]

145. to say "I think you're hot" can be done nicely

It's all about the "attitude" ... if it's wrong ... my "drop dead look" has always worked.

"you're a hottie" sounds a bit different than "I think you're hot"

[Misunderestimator]

146. "You're a hottie" was the phrase used in the OP.

[Freebird12004]

156. and "You are so hot" was also part of the original question

For *me* it's all about the implied attitude of the person making the statement.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

7. It makes me uncomfortable.

It makes me nervous when someone I've never met says things like that. It's just creepy.

edit: I should point out the only times I've ever had someone say something like this to me 'out of the blue' they looked like an Axe Murder.

[SarahB]

8. Those words by a stranger verbally in public?

A bit offended and frankly I can't imagine a guy over the age of 22 even saying that. I get attention from men at times, but it usually involves a lot of eye contact. If I give it back, sometimes a brief conversation starts. If someone was a little less gauche (i.e. you have nice hair, you look attractive in what you're wearing, etc.), I'd say 'thank you', but "you're hot!" in that type of situation from a stranger would likely result in the look of death. It's too familiar and not appropriate.

[Bertha Venation]

12. I'd say "fuck off, loser."

[LDS Jock]

59. I guess I won't use that line on you

if we meet some day.

[Bertha Venation]

82. It would work if you were wearing a name tag . . . .

other than that . . . so sorry. :7

:hi:

[LDS Jock]

what about if.....

I was carrying a cat killing a songbird? :P

[Bertha Venation]

94. NOOOOOOOOO.....

you did NOT just say that!

You ain't right, Buddy!

[LDS Jock]

97. I'm a horrible person

hangs head

[Bertha Venation]

101. No more horribler than me, my friend.

:bounce:

A friend gave me a "bad kitty" picture book for my b-day... it shows a ginger cat rolling around in bliss with a dead squirrel (intact, but still), and the caption reads, "Well, this didn't end very well for you, but it sure was fun, wasn't it?" LOLOL

Sometimes you just have to have a sense of humor.

[jswordy]

13. Hmmm....OK then....

But how about just an "appreciative look"? Better? Or still creepy feeling?

[Misunderestimator]

19. You were asking for reactions to specific phrases... "appreciative look"

is nothing at all like your OP. Of course, appreciative looks are fine and dandy, as long as they aren't creepy, appreciative looks, or tongues hanging out...

[blm]

14. I'd say, "That's pretty rude of you to speak like that to a stranger...

What if a person took it maliciously and went to the police?"

[Fridays Child]

16. That crosses the line...unless you are a particular relative of mine.

She would strut, and preen, and slather him with her totally obnoxious, fake southern accent.

[guitar man]

17. wrong approach

just blurting out "you're a hottie" or "you're so hot" is a bit brutish as an approach. Here's how you do it.

<slightly shy and a touch nervous>

"Pardon me, I normally don't do this, but I just have to say, you have got to be one of the lovliest ladies I have ever seen. I have rarely encountered such a captivating pair of eyes in my entire life"

that's better, right?

[SarahB]

27. That's nice.

Just make sure when you say "eyes", you're not staring at her breasts.

Yes, we have breasts. We're female. There are a variety of sizes they naturally come in, but they're not public domain. There's something to be said for subtlety. :eyes:

[Bok_Tukalo]

So ...

'Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?' ... is right out, isn't it?

[SarahB]

75. Yeah, probably a little much.

:D

[name not needed]

111. Goddammit. Now I've gotta think of a new pickup line.

:D

[amazona]

28. not unless she really is that out-standing

As an average-looking gal who does have an I.Q. above 64 and does possess a mirror, I find this approach to be equally creepy because it insults my intelligence. Keep in mind, a lot of guys are using this line. It is not original. We've heard it before.

How about if you think she's cute, you start a conversation about something neutral of mutual interest, even if it's stupid like the weather and see how it goes?

Start in right away on my looks, and you will get no further.

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of communists
and other subversives. We intend to clean them out,
even if it means rounding up every birdwatcher in the country.
--John Mitchell, US Attorney General 1969-72

[jswordy]

30. Uh, that sounds to me like total bullshit...but if you say so.

[Misunderestimator]

34. Obviously you're on a mission to prove something... what exactly is that?

most of the women have stated that they would not want to have those things said to them by a stranger... What are you trying to get at here?

[jswordy]

50. I am "trying to get at" nothing. Just asking questions. Relax!

Have you considered going for a massage? They can help.

:shrug:

Or maybe a warm bath, at least.

[Misunderestimator]

54. Why aren't you addressing any of the posts from women saying that

they would be insulted? From your subsequent posts, it seems that you are looking for justification that it would be ok for a stranger to call a woman hot.

[jswordy]

69. No, I am simply accepting their opinions. Geez, you are suspicious...

...or are you just trying to start something where there is nothing?

I will say this, from the whole of the thread, it looks like telling a woman upfront that she is hot would be a great way to differentiate.

But I personally have never done so. To be brutally honest, I won't even look directly at a woman in public, let alone say anything to her, for fear of encountering just the kind of stuff I see in the majority responses here. Call the cops? Yeah, I could see that happening, too.

I once got loudly dressed down in public for 5 minutes by a woman I opened the door for. Sigh.

I used to go out drinking with a gay guy. Man, he got away with murder. If I tried even a third of what he did, I would be in jail or at least have had a lot of Mace sprayed on me. But he was gay, so women had no problem with it.

I have a friend now who has a speech impediment. When we go out places, he will just heap bawdy flattery on all these gorgeous women, and they will fawn all over him. they know he is no "threat" to them, they won't be dating him or anything. So they eat all of that up. But if I did that, said those things, they would take it "seriously" and there'd be hell to pay.

It's an interesting paradox.

Happy now? I'm sure you won't be.

[Misunderestimator]

73. I really can't say more than everything already said in this thread

"Stranger" really is the most operative word. If these women are friends of yours and you already know they appreciate such remarks coming from someone, go ahead and try it... you're not a stranger. But if it's unwanted attention, it might not be a good idea. I said it in another post, but I think you know that gay men would be treated differently... as friends, buddies, no sexual connotation.

I don't mind being called hot by someone I know and as long as it has no underlying meaning that isn't welcome and depending on the relationship. Yes the phrase can be used as appreciation. But from a stranger... no.

[VelmaD]

131. oh please...

could you spew any more gender stereotypes. :eyes:

[redqueen]

35. IMO, no, it's not.

To me that sounds completely fake, and possibly an outright lie.

[guitar man]

42. I just thought

it was a couple steps up from "hey baby, you're hot, let's go fuck or something". What the hell do I know, I have been out of circulation since 1990, I have probably lost my touch.

[redqueen]

49. Is every guy that compliments a woman trying to get laid?

Sheesh.

[guitar man]

52. no

not at all. It did seem that was the attitude displayed by the original poster though.

[jswordy]

55. Thank you for that!

[Misunderestimator]

56. So far your batting average isn't so good.

But you did pretty much prove that you are looking for justification. Thanks. :hi:

[jswordy]

86. Toldya you wouldnt be happy. Sigh.

[Misunderestimator]

88. LMAO... Sigh....

heavy, heavy sigh... :eyes:

[Bouncy Ball]

134. That would make me laugh then vomit.

Sorry but it would.

[jswordy]

18. Scratching head...

...about why it is that gay or effeminate guys get away with saying stuff like that to women all the time, and they are flattered.

Scratch, scratch...

[Misunderestimator]

23. If the gay guy is not obviously gay, it would be just as insulting....

otherwise, it's clearly not a come on, so therefore not threatening or repulsive... I would still not appreciate it from a stranger.

[amazona]

20. a little afraid and definitely offended

Why do guys think they can say that to a stranger? It indicates a poor ability to control oneself, and poor ability at self-control is linked to violence, so it always carries an implicit threat.

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of communists
and other subversives. We intend to clean them out,
even if it means rounding up every birdwatcher in the country.
--John Mitchell, US Attorney General 1969-72

[crispini]

109. BINGO!

You get the gold star.

[Ellen Forradalom]

141. Well-said. That's why I said 'instantly suspicious.'

It's imposing upon you. It's not respecting your person. It opens the question, "In what other ways would you violate my space?"

I think poorly of strangers who hop up in my face like that.

[LiberalEsto]

21. I'd think he was mentally ill

and call the cops if he got any more personal.
I'm 52 and on the decrepit side.

[hollywood926]

25. That happened to me in the 99 cents store just last week! (kinda)

This man was passing me in the aisle and he said, "Wooo...mmm, I love your hair." And I muttered thanks, but then he got in line behind me and I was embarrassed but luckily he said nothing further. :-)

[4_Legs_Good]

53. What if you have really cool hair, though

I've never done such a thing, and I hessitate from doing it because I'd feel slimy, particularly because I'm married, but I REALLY appreciate women's styles and hair, and ocassionally I see a do/style/coloring that is mezmerizing to me, and I just want to say "Wow, that's soooooo cool!" because I think they should know!

But dang, I'd feel so slimy, and I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

I have no problem saying it to someone I know, however.

david

[Bonhomme Richard]

31. Sounds like what a High School kid would say...........

trying to impress his friends.

[madison2000]

32. My first job was at Burger King and I haven't been back since

I saw what they do to the food, so I wouldn't be standing in line there. However, if I were in the same situation somewhere else, I'd have to say it would depend entirely on the guy and the way he said it. If he looked like George Clooney, I'd be thrilled.

:loveya:

[WI_DEM]

46. my first job was at a Burger King too and as I recall it seems

like they have a policy of microwaving burgers that have been sitting under the heat lamp for an hour for use with customers.

[madison2000]

116. I remember being told I had to pick up the cheesewhopper

with my bare hands to take it out of the steamer. No gloves or tongs, and it was really hot. My manager said, don't worry, you'll develop callouses on your hands and after a while they won't even feel the heat.

While I was slaving away on the whopperline, the girls who had ordered the dress uniforms were on their knees cleaning the floor in the manager's office.

[jswordy]

119. MMMMM ---- W-H-O-P-P-E-R-S! ----- MMMMM

[redqueen]

33. I would feel complimented.

A compliment is a compliment.

I don't get all the outrage, honestly.

[Misunderestimator]

38. Of course not...

was wondering if you'd post here... I knew you would be flattered... and then have to remark on the fact that most women posting here would be insulted. (Hardly outrage, but oh well...)

[redqueen]

41. I guess the 'fuck you loser' wasn't outrage.

Yes, most of the words are calm, but the undercurrent of hostility is there. Do you deny it?

And I'd like to know how you 'knew you would be flattered... and then have to remark on the fact that most women posting here would be insulted'.

Please kindly explain.

[Misunderestimator]

44. Outrage from some... but describing it that way was clearly a ploy

to ridicule it. Why? What is hostile about describing what your reaction would be to some stranger at a McDonald's objectifying you? I know that your standards for sexism are a whole lot more lenient than mine. But how on earth do you consider the women expressing their honest opinions here in answer to someone's question as hostile? Hostile to WHO?

As for the other matter... I've noticed you stick up often for sexist behavior, and you see things as compliments that many others would not. That's all.

[redqueen]

57. Hositlity:

This hamhanded compliment would be met with:

- being given a piece of your mind (does that sound calm?)
- being given a look of death
- possibly being reported to the police (WTF?)
- the implication that they're violent and have poor impulse control

That was based on just a cursory glance through the responses so far.


And as for the other matter, thanks for the explanation. I will say I was far more offended and insulted by your comment above than I would be by some guy's badly-worded compliment at a fast food joint.

[Misunderestimator]

58. Whatever, hon... you and I see things very differently.

nuff said.

[redqueen]

61. I know, and that's fine.

But that civility thread yesterday was sorely needed.

I'm all for shit slinging when it's all in good fun, but no understanding is gained with hostility. It just triggers defenses and makes communication more difficult.

I wasn't being catty. I was being honest - I really and truly do not understand why an innocent remark would be met with such responses. Now if the guy was being nasty like Carl (e.g. Hey baby why don't you come talk to me over here for a minute?) then I could certainly understand reacting as above. However... just a compliment... only that? I really don't get it.

Apologies if I somehow offended you with the 'outrage' comment.

[Misunderestimator]

70. But see, that's the thing... YOUR post was hostile... ridiculing the very

real reactions the women in this thread would have. Perhaps those reactions come from experience? I know they do in my case. To many women, it is NOT an innocent remark, it is an affront, and to some, like me, it is a sexist degrading remark coming from a stranger.

If you have not had the experience of feeling threatened by such a come on, or degraded by the way it might have been said or by whom, then I understand how you don't understand it. But reading all these posts and realizing how many women would feel offended, should go a long way to helping you understand it, I would think.

[redqueen]

71. How is saying I don't understand it in any way hostile?

I understand that to most it's an affront, I just don't understand why. That's all.

I've had the experience of feeling threatened by come on's... but not just a comment like "you're a hottie".

And no... repeated statements of how offended someone would be does nothing to explain WHY.

[Misunderestimator]

76. "I don't get all the outrage, honestly."

That pissed me off :)

It's the underlying sexism of a strange man calling me "hot" or a "hottie" that is the issue. But we'll go round in circles with that one.

[redqueen]

80. Sorry.

I was just being honest. I know that as a woman I'm supposed to get this, but I don't.

And your comment that you knew I'd be flattered stung. I don't really know why... but it hurt.

[Misunderestimator]

83. Then my apologies for that...

I didn't mean to hurt. It's just that I've seen you on a lot of threads about sexism going against what most of the women say... and that's your prerogative. Seems to me that you appreciate flattery that I wouldn't, so, I made the assumption that if you posted to this thread, you would post that you would appreciate it as a compliment... and you did.

[yvr girl]

36. Wouldn't work for me

I'd give him an, "I don't appreciate this" look and turn away. Seriously, "hottie" from a stranger. I'm not 15. It makes the guy look like he's collecting notches on his bedpost.

A different approach would work. Something about (your eyes, your smile, your laugh.)

Or you could just try 'Hi' and start a conversation.

[candle_bright]

40. I'd be uncomfortable

and inwardly cringing. It's just too forward for me.

[liontamer]

43. annoyed

and possibly insulted. Some men act like a woman should be grateful for any male attention, even if it comes from someone unattractive and comes in an inappropriate situation.

This happens all the time, and the attitude is that it's somehow my fault for leaving my home (bad unsupervised female).

And yes I've actually spoken to men about this who say that I should be "grateful" and "what do you expect"

Then there are those who argue that I'm being shallow. But this is what I say to that: If you can so quickly judge me as attractive, I can just as quickly tell that you're unattractive. If you approach me in an unacceptable situation, I can tell you're unaware of social mores. If I take offense to what you say, then I can right away tell that you are neither cultured nor respectful. If you argue with me or insult me, then I know you're an asshole.

[Patiod]

63. Excellent summary, Liontamer

A better approach would be "have you tried the Grossburger or the Slimesalad? (or whatever)" or "have you noticed they stopped using The King in their ads?" or something funny or engaging, where she can reply if she wants or give a short answer and disengage if she wants.

Not your unsolicited judgement of her appearance in a situation where she's going to feel trapped.

[redqueen]

72. Why does it matter if the person saying it is attractive?

"even if it comes from someone unattractive..."

Why does this matter?

A few other posts have made it seem as if this same set of words would be met with different responses based on the attractiveness of the person saying them. Now, while I can understand that difference in response if it's the appearance in general (i.e. creepy and threatening vs. more normal-looking - despite how deceptive appearances can be and usually are), I can't understand why the response would be different based solely on how attractive the person in question is.

Just curious...

[liontamer]

77. i was unclear

in this situation attractiveness of offensive person isn't the issue. But since men have argued with me(and I'm talking men who approach me on the street) I wanted to go further. Women are often criticized for making "rash" judgements in these situations (if you don't believe me go here: http://www.salon.com/mwt/letters/2005/03/04/out_of_her_league/index.html)

I was just trying to make it clear the bizarre double standard that says a woman should accept all male attention as she never knows who will be the right future husband for her. I wanted to make it clear that the "give him a chance" camp are being ridiculous.

[Misunderestimator]

79. Love the way you put that!

:thumbsup:

[RagingInMiami]

115. So if the guy saying it is a hottie, then it's a compliment

If he is average looking or worse, then it's dial 911 and have him incarcerated.

[liontamer]

130. no

If someone approaches me in an appropriate situation and speaks to me politely, even if he or she is unattractive it is a compliment.

If someone rudely harasses me then that individual is rude and obviously does not view me with respect

p.s. people who on first glance were attractive have blown it by approaching me in inappropriate ways

[InvisibleTouch]

45. Honestly? Freaked out.

Unless there was some unbelievable instant chemistry between myself and this hypothetical guy, in which case I'd likely be flattered. Fat chance, eh?

[faithfulcitizen]

93. me too, freaked out...he'd probably get the eye roll :)

[4_Legs_Good]

104. Ahhhhh not the eye roll!

That's a killer in the arsenal of women who get inappropriately hit on.

Good idea, actually!

david

[Lex]

48. How about just giving the woman a nice smile and a shy "hi"

and leave it at that.

She'll know from your smile and your hello that you think she's attractive.

Plus, you're not sounding or acting like a 15 year old boy when you take that approach.

[SarahB]

51. Perfect!

:thumbsup:

[redqueen]

68. You only smile and say hello to women you think are attractive?

This thread is confusing the hell out of me.

[Lex]

74. Yes. And all the unattractive people? I tell them all they're "hotties."

Just kidding.

There are different smiles and different hellos for all situations and most people with an ounce of "E.Q." know the difference, don't you think?

[SarahB]

85. Well, we can reply or not.

I don't want every guy quite that blatant with me (because frankly, most men who hit on me I'm not interested in). If I'm interested, then I can give a them a signal. It puts me in more control of the situation.

[JI7]

98. yes, that's EXACTLY the way to do it

since there is a certain "freedom" in how to reply or take it .

[Misunderestimator]

60. Jswordy.... How would you feel if a gay man said that to you?

How about a big, burly gay man, at least six inches taller than you?

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

66. bingo

[jswordy]

84. Actually, I have been propositioned by a gay man.

He was very flattering and complimentary, and I told him I appreciated that. But I told him I was sorry, that I am straight. He asked me if I wouldn't at least like to try gay sex. I said no, I appreciated all he had said and was very flattered (I was), but that I know myself well enough to know I am straight only. He then asked me if we could hug. I have no problem with that, I hug guys all the time. We did. And that was that.

I have had two other experiences with gay men who did not out and out ask, but made it clear they were receptive if I was interested. I have no problem with that.

:shrug:

I used to at times go to gay bars when I was in college because I would instantly be recognized as hetero, and so would not have to worry about the whole sexual innuendo thing. Then I could have a good time out drinking with women I didn't know and everything was cool. No sex overtones to it. They would get it on with each other pretty heavy sometimes, but I was just a straight guy. Heh.

:shrug:

[Misunderestimator]

87. Was he six inches taller... intimidating in any way whatsoever?

If not... that was not my question.

[jswordy]

89. Sigh...you have this picture of some glaring ogre

in your head. That is cool if that is what you want to carry around with you. You will not be happy unless you are unhappy, and you will argue just to be arguing. Sigh. C-ya.

[Misunderestimator]

90. No, I'm trying to make a point, that men are physically larger

or stronger on average than women, so I'm trying to give you an appropriate parallel. Sorry you didn't get that.

[JI7]

100. this is a good point

because even as a hetero female i think i would rather have it be another girl say it rather than a guy in the type of situation he describes.

it takes out the "creepy" or "threatening" type feeling that might happen with a guy.

[DrGonzoLives]

62. I'm a man

But if it were me somehow, I'm at a restaurant to eat, so I'd grunt and keep ignoring him/her/it.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

64. I'd say thankyou, then make sure he didn't follow me out of the restaurant

If a man used those exact words with me, I'd be questioning whether he lacked tact or was predatory. Using those exact words would make me wonder whether he simply didn't have the tact to know that said words made him sound on the make or whether he was a masher.

Sorry, you only get to make a first impression once.

My first impression would be one of discomfort because that man (guy) lacked social skills and I can't decide in a moment whether that lack of social skills is poor manners or anti-social behavior.

I am not that way when ANY male stranger compliments me, only when the compliment implies a familiarity to which a stranger on the street has no real right.

[GiovanniC]

65. Earlier This Week, a Guy Approached My Fiance

And said, "Hey, what's got one eye, a pink tongue, and is sex deprived?"

And she looked at him funny and said she didn't know.

He covered his eye, stuck out his tongue, and said, "ME!"


I think she would have preferred the "You're a hottie" line to that!

[4_Legs_Good]

103. She should have ripped out his tongue

[GiovanniC]

105. Wish I'd Been There

Then again, he'd have never said it if I was standing there.

[liontamer]

132. don't be so sure

I've had men say ridiculously vulgar things to me even when I was in male company

[GiovanniC]

136. I'm Very Intimidating

Not sure why, I don't try to be, and I'm a very peaceful dude. But I've had many people tell me that I am.

And if I'd been there and he'd still said it, I could have (verbally) ripped him a new asshole.

[fleabert]

67. Irritated.

[Technowitch]

78. Flattered and creeped out, simultaneously

[radwriter0555]

81. I wouldn't be offended, but nor would it be a compliment. I would think

the guy wasn't very adept, however, and certainly wouldn't encourage a conversation.

[u4ic]

91. I wouldn't say anything

as I would be on the floor, as one normally is when fainting...

[lukasahero]

92. Honestly?

I'd be frightened. I'd feel belittled. "Hot" is deliberately sexual which is invasive from a stranger and particularly intimidating to me. At 5'2", 105 lbs it doesn't take much of a "man" to make me feel a little incapable of defending myself. Luckily, most men I know would never presume to speak to a stranger that way.

I've had men stroke my hair in public and it's horrifying. It's an invasion but if I act out about it, then I'm just being a bitch (as evidenced by some of the attitudes on record in this thread).

On the other hand, I've had lots of guys (people I see routinely like at the store or security guards) tell me I have a pretty smile or pretty hair and it's flattering. The prime differences being a) I'm familiar with them and b) it's not a deliberately sexual comment.

[tjdee]

96. "Hot" is the creepy word, ITA.

If someone said "You're very pretty", I'd be flattered.

"You're really hot" has sexual connotations, I agree with you.
Sexual comments from strangers are very creepy.

[redqueen]

118. Who implied that reacting negatively to a stranger touching you

inappropriately makes you a bitch?

Just curious.

[lukasahero]

126. Oddly enough

I felt that was implied by some of your posts. You characterized the OP's comment as a "hamhanded compliment" and as I obviously interpret it more as a threat, my assumption is that you would also not deem someone touching my hair as a threat. Were I to display "hostility" or "outrage" over it, my assumption was that you would think I was being over the top and unjust.

But I'm guessing you already knew that.

Some of the comments from the OP also suggest that he doesn't really care about how his actions make a woman feel, he just wants "a great way to differentiate" between women who might deliver a "bitchy" response or welcome his advances.

[redqueen]

128. Not at all. I consider a few words to be a far cry from physical contact.

I don't know why you'd make that assumption, really.

And your assumption that I somehow knew you'd make that logical leap is also mistaken. I had no idea someone would do so.

As for the motivations of the person who posted the thread, I wouldn't assume that, either. I guess I'm just not an assumption-making type person.

[jswordy]

137. Sigh....you are soooo off base here.

christ, if I knew it would be character assassination time, I'd never have asked the question. Just forget it.

[Misunderestimator]

143. Asking a question like that and then objecting when people say that they

wouldn't appreciate being called a hottie by a strange guy in a fast food restaurant. SUUUUUURE..... You didn't expect an argument... it was entirely innocent. :nopity:

[Misunderestimator]

144. I picked up that "differentiate" point as well. It's clear to me what the

poster's intention was. Pure and simple... who's a "bitch" and who would respond to him. He implied that himself. (On edit... in post #69: "I will say this, from the whole of the thread, it looks like telling a woman upfront that she is hot would be a great way to differentiate.")

[JI7]

95. too weird

of course i can't say for sure since i think it would depend on the guy doing it.

but just imagining it as you describe in a place like burger king seems too weird and uncomfortable.

if it was done somewhere else such as walking along some busy area and especially if you are with a group of girls and some guy(s) just shout it out then that would be nice and fun.

but the way you describe it seems too uncomfortable, especially if i'm alone it can feel creepy.

[Lisa0825]

99. I would be both complimented and creeped out at the same time.

My ego would get a boost, but I'd feel creeped out, like he was imagining me naked or something. So, I'd feel good about ME, but somewhat negative about him.

[HeatherG.]

102. Uncomfortable

I would feel uncomfortable because I wouldn't know how to respond to him. I would wonder wether he was content giving me a compliment, or wether he was expecting me to flirt back.

[Bertha Venation]

106. just realized I didn't really answer your question earlier

How I would feel:

like bugs were crawling all over me

THEN I would say, "fuck off, loser"

:shrug:

[Withywindle]

107. Creeped out, mostly.

I agree with people who've said "You are so hot" or whatever is wayyy too heavy a sexual connotation from a stranger, especially a situation where you're stuck --waiting in line, for example, and now you have to spend time in proximity to this guy who's thinking about you in a way you don't want him to.

It can't be compared at all to a situation where a guy friend (straight or gay) is mock-flirting, or even in like a bar or party where if you're not interested you can just drift away and there's no stakes involved (and where you probably expect people are going to be flirting).

Especially if the woman is alone. I think a lot of men don't understand that sexual attention from strangers is actually experienced by many women as a threat. (And used by some men that way, deliberately). Judging by the way this thread is partly going, it seems some men don't WANT to understand that. And of course, not all women experience it that way. But I'd say if a man doesn't want to risk upsetting someone, he should err on the side of caution. If not, you have to accept that the woman may well be offended or frightened or angry or all of the above. Women are sick of random strangers thinking they have the right to invade their private thoughts with unsolicited comments.

But if you really really want to pay a woman a sincere compliment, "You're hot" is NOT the one. Compliment something specific. Her hair, her eyes, etc. It shows you're paying attention to her specifically and you don't see her as just a hole you want to fill. Latino men have a tradition of this - I've heard them composing short poems on the spot! Be creative. Put some effort into it. It still probably won't get you laid, but it's more likely to get you a sincere smile at least.

[lukasahero]

113. This is a beautifully worded post

Thank you for taking the time to give such detail and thought to it. Hopefully someone other than the choir (that would be me :hi:) will listen to you and maybe even take your words to heart.

[Withywindle]

124. Wow, thank you!

There's quite a bit of eloquence here on this thread from lots of people. This is an issue I've thought about a lot: Chicago can be the Street Harassment Capital of North America sometimes, and I've had to think quite a bit about why sometimes it bothers me a lot and sometimes it doesn't at all, and the differences in the various situations, intonations, approaches, etc.

[Nikia]

108. Uncomfortable

That shouldn't be the first thing that you say to someone. I am a person, not a piece of meat.
I have even been creeped out if it was someone who I was familiar with. For example, there was this guy from work who never even said "hi" to me at work. At a coworker's birthday party he says to me "You know, I really enjoy looking at you everyday at work."
If you are interested in getting to know someone better, even if the primary reason is her attractiveness, talk to her as a person for a while before making any comments about her body.

[DancingBear]

110. Would the language matter - or is it just the comment itself?

Would it be "acceptable" if rather than using the term "hottie" someone said "excuse me, but you are very attractive?"

I'm curious as to if women would see this as a) just a compliment or b) a highbrow way of trying to get lucky. I'm guessing it's been tried umpteen times for the latter, and hence loses its sincerity when someone means it, and nothing more.

[JI7]

117. strange guy in a place like burger king

i would probably feel uncomfortable even with the "you are very attractive" line coming from a strange guy in a place like burger king. especially if i am alone.

an ealier post by Lex said just smile and say hi and i would agree with her on that.

[lukasahero]

122. Read the responses and you'll have your answer...

Many women on this thread have differentiated between an honest compliment and the implied sexual threat of the language in the OP.

Often it is also the manner in which the comment is delivered. I have a hard time imaging a polite way to tell a strange woman you think she's hot (implied - you have a body I'd like to f*ck) but your second suggestion could go either way depending on the delivery.

If your intent is simply to get in bed with a strange woman, you're probably going to strike out more often than not regardless of the words you use. If it is to meet a woman you find attractive, it might work but it's also pretty much aimed at her looks and you leave her nowhere to go with the conversation other than "thanks".

If you want to meet a woman you find attractive, a conversation starter is the way to go.

[DancingBear]

125. Thanks for the hints - it's been years, ya know

Been happily married for almost 30 years... :)

[lukasahero]

127. Doh!

Don't I feel like a jerk? ;)

[crispini]

112. This reminds me somewhat of the time

that I was working my polling place as an election judge and this guy came in, drunk as a skunk. He wasn't registered to vote at that polling place and I had to help him find it. Afterwards he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Hey! You've got nice titties!"

What could I do? I rolled my eyes, laughed, and told him to get out of there and go vote.

[Withywindle]

138. Ew!

See, I'd probably lean toward not encouraging the guy to go vote, because my gut impulse/stereotype (very possibly wrong, but as snap-judgment classifications go...) would be that a guy like that is probably a Bush voter. :P

[crispini]

139. Yeah, but how the hell else....

was I going to get him to LEAVE MY DAMN POLLING PLACE?

Anyway, he was so drunk he probably couldn't find the right one. :P

[Withywindle]

142. Bwahah!

There should be laws against VWI.

[CatWoman]

114. hungry!!!

after all, that's why I'm standing in line at Burger King.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

120. Better way to approach a woman who attracts you

I agree with the posters who wsay that they would be creeped out by a guy who came up and said, "You're so hot" or words to that effect. If the guy is really young and has more experience with TV than with reality, maybe it's okay, but still, there are better approaches.

I also hate it when I'm deep in thought walking down the street and some tactless buffoon says, "Hey, honey, why aren't you smiling?" I mean, really! How does he know I'm not grieving a loved one or otherwise not in the mood to smile. What right does he have to dictate my facial expressions?

Gay men get away with these kinds of approaches because they're obviously joking. (In my previous parish, I once heard our organist, who was gay, say to one of the elderly women, "Oh, Celia, that outfit looks stunning on you! If I were straight and a couple of decades older, I'd propose on the spot!" Celia just laughed and said, "What do you mean if you were a couple of decades older? I like 'em young."

At my age, I don't often get approached by strangers in public, but I can appreciate smiles and wicked glints in the eyes. That is really all that is appropriate if the man is married or otherwise unable to pursue a relationships.

Otherwise, if you're in the line at McDonald's and want to get to know the woman in line in front of you, make some comment about how long the line is or how you wish you had time to get a real meal or something that's not about her. See if you can sustain a conversation and carry it over into flirting. If you can't, she's not right for you anyway.

[Butterflies]

121. I'd feel suspicious

I'm almost always wearing baggy clothes, so "hot" doesn't really describe me. I'd wonder if he was messing with me or I'd think he meant it for someone else.

If I was dressed up for some reason, I'd feel uncomfortable because he's a stranger. It's a pretty clumsy way for a man to try to start a conversation with someone (with someone who is kind of introverted like me anyway.)

I'm sure some women would like it, but not me.

[Dastard Stepchild]

123. I find it offensive in theory...

but I wasn't raised in a social vacuum, so I would also probably be flattered. Then I would feel all conflicted inside and question the manner in which I find it difficult to take a compliment based on my appearance because I am so much more than a body and what about my mind and on and on and on... I am better off not receiving compliments :)

[ffm172]

129. depending on how the guy is looking and acting

if it is ok, I would feel complimented. And depending on my mood I would blush, mumble something and leave or answer if I am in a really really good mood.
If the guy looks crabby I would give him a strange look and walk away

[Bouncy Ball]

133. A wee bit freaked out.

But I wouldn't show it.

I'd get big scary eyes, make sure my daughter was as far away from him as possible and get the hell out of there as fast as I could.

[bettyellen]

135. i wouldn't blink an eye or pay much mind at all. i've heard much ruder

things and never felt like i needed the police. but that's nyc, i guess.

[Ellen Forradalom]

140. Instantly suspicious.

The dude needs to mind his own business.

[gardenista]

147. Irritated.

[liberalhistorian]

148. In 1979, when I was fourteen,

my mom, stepdad, stepsister (my age) and I went on vacation in New England. We were in Provincetown, MA, for a few days, staying at a Holiday Inn. My stepsister and I were having breakfast alone in the hotel restaurant that first morning when I got the surprise of my life up to that point. The head waiter in charge of all the wait staff came over to me after clearing the table next to us and said, out of the blue, "you have absolutely beautiful eyes." We could tell he meant it, too, he wasn't just bullshitting. I really blushed, smiled, looked down and said thank you. He continued doing his work and we paid the check and left for a day of funning and sunning.

That night, we all ate dinner at the restaurant and I pointed the guy out to my parents, who had gotten a real kick out of the story. He was around 20 or so, and obviously way too old for me; my stepdad said that was probably why he hadn't gone any further. But he would often stop what he was doing, look over in our direction, and look at me for a little bit. Once, he just stood in the doorway of the kitchen and watched me for awhile. I wasn't creeped out by it, because I felt and sensed it was genuine, he wasn't trying to stalk or harass or anything like that. I had never been more flattered, and to this day, 26 years later, I still think of it every time I get discouraged over the current state of my (non) love life.

It was especially meaningful to me at the time because I had horribly low self-esteem then (something I've fought all my life for various reasons), and my stepsister was usually the one who got all of the attention from guys. They would ask for her number right in front of me as if I wasn't there, and laugh at me right in front of everyone. So, I was really grateful for this experience and I think it meant more than it might have to some girls. But I've never forgotten that these past 26 years. Once in awhile, I'll even wonder what happened to the guy.

[tjdee]

149. And there's the difference.

"You're so hot" is basically saying "You look fuckable".

What you've described is completely different.

What a nice story.

[liberalhistorian]

150. Yeah, I guess you might

have a point. Would it make a difference if he said "you're very pretty", or something like that? To me, it would, I don't see anything wrong with that.

So, gentlemen, let's turn it around; how would you guys feel if it were a woman in a line who told you you "look hot?" What would your reaction be?

[AutumnMist]

151. Well When I Was Younger

I took that to mean..."Wow, he really likes who I am, because I am so mysterious and have the beautiful green eyes". Now? Please. In my own experience it means...hey I like your ass....maybe I could go to your apartment and feel it sometime. LOL. No thank you.

[Left Is Write]

152. That would NEVER, EVER happen to me.

There's no way I would be in line at BK waiting for a Whopper Combo.

[Skittles]

153. oh that's happened to me

depends on the intent behind it - if it's just the average drooler guy I'd just laugh it off. If he had that leering misgynistic look I'd kick his ass. And yes, guys, we gals know the difference instinctively.

[Samurai_Writer]

154. I would be creeped out and insulted...

and would probably say, "Would you want some strange man saying that to your mother/sister/daughter?"

I've had my share of guys coming on to me, some of them rather rude, too (which I believe this is). I usually just ignore them, or just say a brief "Thanks" and then leave the area ASAP.

Peace,
Bella

[tinfoilinfor2005]

155. Uncomfortable...a little weirded out...

I am in my fifties and obviously I haven't heard these types of comments recently, but I did hear similar comments when I was younger, and my reply hasn't changed.
If you are interested in striking up a conversation with a girl you haven't met, I bet you would get tons of advice in a thread worded that way.

[NashVegas]

157. I'd Think He Lacked Social Skills

Although he certainly would make an impression, I just don't know that it would be the right one.