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My counselor recently suggested to me that I have BPD.

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Ladyhawk Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-07-03 01:01 PM
Original message
My counselor recently suggested to me that I have BPD.
(Borderline Personality Disorder)

And I think he's right. I just read some of the information on it at http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/bpd.html and other places and I think he's right.

I've also been diagnosed (correctly, I believe) with severe, treatment-resistant major depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

For a long time I didn't believe the PTSD and OCD diagnoses, but it's become too obvious to ignore. So has the borderline personality disorder.

I've always had a prejudice against personality disorders and the thought that I may have one really took the wind out of my sails. I mean, how can I trust myself? Recently, an asshole drove me off a forum. I'm pretty sure I identified him correctly, but the anger over losing that "support" forum grew so intense it nearly did me in. I feel guilty for standing up for myself and never know if I'm the problem or if the other person is. It rarely occurs to me that it could be a combination.

I've lost a lot of friendships lately and I'm crushed. I can never figure out what I did to cause it, how much was my fault, how much was theirs.

Recently, I lost control of my anger and felt enormous guilt. And I found myself self-mutilating again, this time to stop panic attacks. At times during the past year I've felt like I've become unglued from my own body.

I've tried hard to be a good person and ending up with basically nothing has been a hard pill to swallow. I've always heard that personality disorders are almost impossible to treat.

A couple of lines jumped out at me:

"Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death."

"Miscellaneous attributes of people with BPD:

People with BPD are often bright, witty, funny, life of the party.

They frequently have difficulty tolerating aloneness, even for short periods of time.

Their lives may be a chaotic landscape of job losses, interrupted educational pursuits, broken engagements, hospitalizations.

Many have a background of childhood physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or physical/emotional neglect."

I wonder...how could anyone love someone like me?


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commander bunnypants Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-07-03 01:04 PM
Response to Original message
1. It is easy to love you
Edited on Tue Oct-07-03 01:12 PM by Demman
Hang in there ok. BPD is not the end of the world. And please get help for the cutting. I have seen to much in my lifetime.

DDQM


BTW- Axis 2 disorders are no bettter or no worse than Axis 1 disorders. Talk with the Docs and therapist. and let us know-ok
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ewagner Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-07-03 01:05 PM
Response to Original message
2. We love you
no matter what...........
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gully Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-07-03 01:06 PM
Response to Original message
3. Oh Ladyhawk. I am so sorry....
Edited on Tue Oct-07-03 01:07 PM by gully
WE LOVE YOU! :hug:

My mom is a paranoid schizo/bi polar combo and has been with my step dad for 23 years. She has been (in and out of "the looney bin") as we affectionatly call it...many times, but we love her none the less.

Be glad you know your disorder, because now you can deal with it.

My heart goes out to you.

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LynneSin Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-07-03 01:08 PM
Response to Original message
4. We're all flawed! And we love you too
Work with the doctors they can make a difference. I suffered through 'Acute Situational Depression' (basically I went into depressioned based on recent changes in my life that became to overwhelming for me to handle). I never thought I'd get out of that funk, but the doctors and therapy did wonders. I know what I had can't compare what you've been through, but please stick with it. It can make a difference!!!

:grouphug:
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bratcatinok Donating Member (786 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-07-03 01:09 PM
Response to Original message
5. I can love the person
but dislike the manifestation of the disease they have. Just because someone has a problem (whether it be a personality disorder, chronic alcoholism or whatever) doesn't mean I can't love them.

You and I have chatted once and I really enjoyed chatting with you. I found you to be charming and funny. I wish I could reach through cyberspace and give you a big hug.

((((((((LadyHawk)))))))))))))
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sangh0 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-07-03 01:09 PM
Response to Original message
6. How ANYONE could love someone like you
The way my 80 year old female friend loves her 88 year old husband, even though he can barely walk. The way a mother loves her child no matter what problems the child has. Your worth has nothing to do with what you can do for others, how your presence benefits others, or how well you fit in.

You're no less, or no more, human than anyone else walking around, and you are as deserving and capable of happiness as anyone else. Don't give up!
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nothingshocksmeanymore Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-07-03 01:11 PM
Response to Original message
7. People can appreciate you for the in depth conversations about these
issues that brings their own difficulties to light. What is love, if not acceptance and appreciation?
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TrogL Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-07-03 01:12 PM
Response to Original message
8. Sounds like you're shopping for a label
Doctors go through diagnosis fads. A few years ago it was "borderline". Two years ago it was "Tourettes syndrome".

My partner Ahknaten was diagnosed with it at one point and it was nonsense.

He's extroverted, has the attention span of a gnat, is bright, witty and funny, hates being alone and I love him.
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E_Zapata Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-07-03 01:18 PM
Response to Original message
9. I already think your a lovable person!
and I mean that! :-)

There is nothing more lovable and cherishable than a person who pays so much mindfulness to who they are. That's a refreshing rarity in this world.

Let me play unqualified devil's advocate. (emphasis on unqualified).

You are female, right?

I wonder what your age is?

And I wonder what your hormone situation is?

And I wonder if a visit to a naturopathic physician and a review of your hormonal balances might reveal that some tweaks to your diet and maybe the addition of some natural supplements might just balance out your system - from the nervous system to your hormones to your adrenals, etc.

It sounds like you have had survived a lot in life. I don't think regular doctors or counselors give enough respect to the very delicate and fragile hormonal balance that the body must maintain in order for the mind, emotions and physical being to operate harmoniously.

If you find that A LOT of the time, you feel and respond to the world in a reasonable manner, but that certain stressful situations tap into something that a counselor may call 'certifiable personality disorder', then I challenge you to find a way to nutritionally support that very best part of who you are.

It is certainly worth a try to accent what is perfectly right on with you as opposed to accenting and validating a side of you that is less than what you consider the ideal.

And that's what I have to say about that!

Blessings.
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Iverson Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-07-03 01:33 PM
Response to Original message
10. like millions of others
Sometimes we doubt that we're lovable in depressed or vulnerable moments, but the dirty truth is that we are individual mixes of good and bad, and if we have an illness or disability (as I do), that's just part of who we are.

I am a lucky guy because my wife loves me, and she doesn't reduce or negate it based on superficial crap. Likewise, Ladyhawk, you're going to be a lovable person with problems, just like millions of others.
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NewYorkerfromMass Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-07-03 01:46 PM
Response to Original message
11. Thought you meant Bi-Polar Depression
but either way Prozac will help... esp. re: obsessive-compulsive disorder.
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styersc Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-07-03 01:58 PM
Response to Original message
12. I'm old enough to remember when bi-polar meant...
...well traveled. Good luck with diagnosis and follow Dr's instructions. (Unless we're talking about Dr. Laura here).
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Susang Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-07-03 02:09 PM
Response to Original message
13. Everyone is worthy and deserving of love
And many bipolar sufferers live wonderful productive lives. You just need to seek the treatment your disorder needs. Try to think of it as taking care of yourself for a change. Also realize that it's a brain chemistry disorder that can be managed with therapy and treatment. Please get the help you need and get better, okay?
:loveya:
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