Democratic Underground Latest Greatest Lobby Journals Search Options Help Login
Google

need help on how to handle someone's really annoying trait/ habit

Printer-friendly format Printer-friendly format
Printer-friendly format Email this thread to a friend
Printer-friendly format Bookmark this thread
This topic is archived.
Home » Discuss » The DU Lounge Donate to DU
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:17 PM
Original message
need help on how to handle someone's really annoying trait/ habit
I know a person who is constantly telling me what I should put in my yard, house, etc. For instance, she will see a gorgeous tree at a garden center and tell me "Oh you have to have this" or she will be in a store and see a piece of really expensive jewelry or furniture and then rave about it and tell me I just have to buy it. No matter how many ways I have been telling her "why don't you buy X item yourself" or "I am not tossing something out of my house to replace it with X item" she won't stop doing this annoying habit. I can't figure out what motivates her to do this as I find it intrusive and insulting to tell anyone what to wear, put in their house, what to buy, etc. unless they asked me for my opinion. I have never asked her for her opinion on what to buy as I feel perfectly capable of doing this myself. She is always telling me she loves my taste so I don't know why she thinks I can't figure out myself what I want to buy. She is about 2 yrs. older than I am. I have even gone so far as to tell her to please not tell me how I have to buy this or that item.

Have any of you ever known people who are like this? Is it a control thing she is trying to do here. Is it something to do with her trying to get under my skin? Please don't respond that I should avoid this person as she is an in-law and that wont work; I end up seeing her sometimes up to four times a month. Usually after about an hour, she will start up with whatever item I should be buying. Not once have I ever bought anything she suggested
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
LisaM Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:22 PM
Response to Original message
1. Can she not afford these things for herself?
Or is it passive aggression - she secretly DOESN'T like your taste, or is resentful of how nice your things look?

My mother does this to my sister. For some reason she can't bear for my sister to decorate her own house. I think it's partially jealousy that my sister has a nice looking house (so does my mother, for that matter, but very different.) Moreover, for the most part, my sister has been able to choose her own furniture and my mother hasn't always been able to - when we were young, we had a bunch of hand me downs from granparents, and my mother was not in a position to really exercise her own tastes.

I would figure out the root causes of this and if it's monetary, buy her one of the flipping things for herself and if she doesn't like it, act all surprised. "But I thought you should have it!"
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:41 PM
Response to Reply #1
9. Her husband is a tightwad deluxe, they have a lot of garage sale
furniture even though they have money. They have never bought a new car, for example, he always finds used cars as he just wont spend for a new car. SO she will be somewhere and see some $8000 ring and tell me I have to have it. Now I have never seen the ring of course but I am supposed to buy it because it was "exquisite, just exquisite." And I will say "that's nice, but I have plenty of rings." Then she goes on and on some more how I have to buy it. And she wont quit. Let's say it's an emerald ring and I tell her I have one. Well then I have to have another one.

I think she is jealous of what I have because I have in the past bought a lot of nice stuff and she was never able to do it because she is with Mr. Tightwad.

This past week, get this, she told me I should go to Paris and get some designer fabrics there and that I should have a design house make up some clothes. (yeah, right, me and Donald Trump's new wife!)I responded I have been in Paris, she never was so she should go there and do what she was telling me to do and to have a really great time. She then went on another few minutes until I was ready to slug her already.

Yeah, passive aggressive alright. I can't figure out how to stop this childish bullshit where she is trying to put me on the spot(??) or whatever the hell she is doing.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
LisaM Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:57 PM
Response to Reply #9
15. Well it's too bad about her husband
there has got to be a strategy to deal with it. But I don't know what it is! It sounds like pretty basic passive aggression, so you need to somehow turn it back on her in a nice way. It clearly eats her up that she can't buy stuff. Maybe you should refer to all of her suggestions as "window shopping" and say, "are you through window shopping for me? Now, let's window shop for you and see what you should buy." I honestly don't know what else would work, but she obviously has issues. Does she earn money herself, or is her husband the sole breadwinner?
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:20 PM
Response to Reply #15
23. he's the breadwinner. What's also interesting and I didn't mention
it before is we both cannot stand a particularly controlling person in that family. I have even made remarks at times that she is acting like that person she so hates and then she will do this little laugh and stop that behavior. And then she starts up again the next time I see her. Duh.

I like the shopping comment and maybe I should read up on how to deal with passive-aggressives (if there is a way). It is very clear she wants a way bigger house and a lot of land and she is very into material things. She is very into expensive cars and houses and stuff. I am past that these days...I care what a person drives from the standpoint of conserving and not wasting gas, you know, because of the the Mideast situation and peak oil theories. If she sees a new Jaguar rolling by, she tells me I have to have it (and I think of the EPA mileage it gets... no way). I drive a 2002 compact very high mileage car and am perfectly happy with it as it fits my philosophy. Nope, I NEED that new Jaguar according to her.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
LisaM Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:32 PM
Response to Reply #23
32. We live in a small house and I have house envy
My SO absolutely doesn't care that we are all crammed in (there are books everywhere) and it is difficult when everyone else I know lives in a better and bigger place than we do. I can't make him understand how crowded we are. We have a large yard, though to my mind it's unusable - slopes down, no patio - and he loves that, but as far as even having a second bedroom, he literally doesn't care.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:54 PM
Response to Reply #32
36. You are describing how I lived ten years ago, squashed in a house
I couldn't stand. Arguments galore over it like you wouldn't believe. Oh yeah, and it had a big yard too. Finally I got very threatening and said it's a bigger house with the both of us or I will buy one for myself. So we got the big house. The person I am discussing in this thread wishes she had this house I am in versus her smaller one and her husband will NEVER ever do that. But she doesn't live in a squashed arrangement. My house is way bigger than hers but her house is by no means small. The thing about this person is she would want a Beverly Hills mansion and a Rolls to boot as she wouldn't even be content then. I wanted a bigger house because of being squashed in and once I got it, fine. I am not on a constant quest for more material things and ever bigger houses. I am done with that crap.
I will tell you when we would visit people who worked for my husband and they lived in houses twice as big as our squashed little dump it used to drive me up a wall. The motivation for my husband was and still is you don't need a big house and I'd say you don't need 3 computers, etc. Round and round. Arguments all the time. I know, I know.

Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
LisaM Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 03:09 PM
Response to Reply #36
49. LOL. I need to get out!
We have made a bit of progress. He is slowly beginning to see the need to move. I make more money than he does and we can't afford to buy a house (in Seattle) and rentals are high, but there has got to be some solution.

Take her to see someone worse off than she is.

Oh, and I would believe the arguments. It's frustrating when something physically bothers you (it's like an itch) and not the other person.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 03:50 PM
Response to Reply #49
56. the yard thing really struck a bell. That house had a kitchen you
almost couldn't turn around in and if two people were in it you had to move out of it sideways. When you had people over you were embarrassed. Someone would stand in the kitchen and you couldn't move. I could reach the fridge, stove and sink without really moving, only turning. I wanted a big kitchen. But see it had this big yard and he thought that was terrific. Okay fine so a big yard is nice. To stay there he suggested enlarging certain parts of the house. The rooms were all so tiny, if you enlarged any part the rest would all look off kilter. (If you put perfume on a pig, it's still a pig) It was a disaster as a house. It was a starter house as they say. I hate to tell you how much he and I were making when we lived there. His 4 partners lived in houses that were mansions and when they came over they'd say what the hell are you two doing in this dump. And he would say hey, I like this, this is a nice house. I would be red-faced because I alone could have afforded way better than that and the partners' wives would be staring at me waiting for me to lose it. But he was perfectly happy in that place. Stick him in front of a PC and he didn't give a shit. He'd still be happier in that dump; he doesn't like this house even though when he changes the furnace filter here he's not banging his head all over. In the dump you'd have a bruised head changing the filter as the furnace was in that place so tight and tortured you could barely get to it.

Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
LisaM Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 04:14 PM
Response to Reply #56
62. It sounds as if your sister-in-law is suffering through some of that
she must be really discontented in her own house.

We have been in this stupid house 12 years and he is perfectly happy sitting in his recliner reading newspapers and books - he literally doesn't notice what's around him. Sometimes I get into cleaning frenzies and try to throw things out, other times I am so stifled by it all I don't know what to do about it. I should threaten to move to my own place.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 08:28 PM
Response to Reply #62
66. I was doing the same. Sometimes trying to go along and saying
Edited on Fri Jan-28-05 08:32 PM by barb162
I didn't care, sometimes trying to make it look better, sometimes saying let's go look for a house. For the longest time he would actually go look and then I realized he was playing a game. No house was good enough in some way and the price was always too high. Whenever I thought I found the perfect house he found something wrong. So then it became he'd say to me: you want to look at some houses? And I said what the hell for? SO you can tell me how they're not good enough? Why waste my time. Let me tell you there were some real arguments.

One time I said since for all the houses we looked at you found something wrong, why don't you draw the house that is the perfect house and we'll build it. Guess what? He never to this day ever drew it. It doesn't exist. Where's the perfect piece of land? It exists but it would cost ten or 20 times what he'd pay for it. Finally I told him I was going to look myself and he knew I meant it. I was totally beyond fed up with his games already. I actually started looking with the realtor. Oh all of a sudden we find a house, the one we're in. But guess what? I like it a lot, he likes it less even though he has a hell of a lot more space for computer and engineering junk and tools and books and everything else. And there's less grass to mow. But the taxes are higher so he whines about that. He whines that the entry door (standard width) to the basement is too narrow. (gimme a break) SO I told him again, draw your house that you want already or shut the hell up. And he's never drawn that house yet. What he wants is impossible to find at the price he would pay. He comes from this family of misers and I think they all think the same way in that family. They think live in a small space and save, save, save. His mother is pushing for me to put the house up for sale. It drives her nuts that 2 people live in this large house. You'd think she was paying the bills around here. I am ready for that bitch the next time she brings it up. I should start another thread just on her (mother-in-law from hell thread). If I started telling some stories about her, I swear there is not one person, no matter how pacifist, who would read it who would not start discussing how to kill her and where to dump /hide her carcass.

So we ended up in the dump cramped hole (house) for about 11 years. I actually moved out of my bigger house where I lived alone to move into his place as the plan was for him to sell it very soon and we would move into a nice place. Eleven years in that hole. Oh and his mommy really liked it (save, save, save). Gotta keep mommy happy.

This sister-in-law does not have the squashed place that I was living in for 11 years, the house from hell. They enlarged it several times and it is actually nice. It just doesn't have a lot of the newer touches and it isn't as big as this place nor does she have the furniture that I put out big bucks for when I first got this house. If I were in her house, I would be more than okay with it. It is a huge step up from the miniature toy house I lived in for 11 years.

I think I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes (actually, often) I would look around the old dump and it would so depress me and I would do the Liz Taylor imitation of "Martha" doing Bette Davis or somebody from "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf"

"WHAT A DUMPPPPP"
Emphasis on the P and spit a little on it!

Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
imenja Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:59 PM
Response to Reply #9
41. are her intentions really so malevolent?
It doesn't seem mean spirited to me, of course I'm not there when she makes those comments. My guess is she would love to buy the item herself but can't, so she suggests you do. Just ask her to stop it.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
movie_girl99 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:22 PM
Response to Original message
2. i have a close friend like that
she is very opinionated and thinks her way is the only right way. it used to really get on my tits but now i just nod and say "yeah i'll look in to that".
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:29 PM
Response to Reply #2
3. does it work, that is, does that shut her up ? Or does she find
something else for YOU to buy the next time she sees you even if you never mentioned you were looking for something?

It kinda reminds me of people, who if you have a pin on, they start readjusting the pin as if you have it in the wrong spot. They pretend they are being helpful...maybe they are implying you can't dress yourself properly. As if their "eye" is better than your eye.

I like your line and I will use it next time
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
movie_girl99 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:35 PM
Response to Reply #3
4. oh no..she still does it
but now she can see that tuned out look in my eye and says "oh nevermind your not going to do it anyway". plus i make jokes about her being as control freak. We've been friends for 10 years...that might be tough to do with an in-law.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
jswordy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:37 PM
Response to Reply #2
6. ...it used to really get on my tits...
That's a new phrase for me!

:toast:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
movie_girl99 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:58 PM
Response to Reply #6
17. my husband is a brit
so i have taken on many of his phrases. He swears he will NEVER say fixin' though.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:57 PM
Response to Reply #17
38. does he use "bloody"
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
movie_girl99 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 03:01 PM
Response to Reply #38
43. yes and many others:
cant be arsed
bugger
buggery
bollocks
fucking hell
fuck me...should i go on?
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
jswordy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 04:08 PM
Response to Reply #43
59. No, I think you can stop at
Edited on Fri Jan-28-05 04:09 PM by jswordy
"fuck me." That has a nice ring to it. Is it a plea or a declaration, or both?

Under edit: DON'T ANSWER THAT. It is a rhetorical question, and I hear the keys jangling in the lock.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
movie_girl99 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 05:47 PM
Response to Reply #59
64. i suppose it could be both
he says it when he's amazed or puzzled about something but then he has said it in anger too.

example:
someone says to him that dogs can fly..he then says "f**k me" i had no idea.
or

if hes aggravated about something like he's changing a light bulb and drops it he might say "f**k me"

its hard to translate but i think you'll get what i mean.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 04:10 PM
Original message
could you translate "can't be arsed." Like use it in a sentence or
something. I never heard that phrase or how "bollocks" is used.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
movie_girl99 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 05:41 PM
Response to Original message
63. okay here goes
Ive lost my wallet but i "cant be arsed to look for it"

bollocks from my understanding is the equivalent of "nuts"

like um....say someone drops a glass of wine. Some folks might say aw NUTS!!! My man would say BOLLOCKS!!!!

does that help?
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 07:47 PM
Response to Reply #63
65. yeah that helps and I bet it sounds funny
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 04:10 PM
Response to Reply #43
60. could you translate "can't be arsed." Like use it in a sentence or
something. I never heard that phrase or how "bollocks" is used.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
jswordy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:36 PM
Response to Original message
5. Every time she does it...
...squirt her with peper spray or Mace.

THAT'LL SHUT HER UP!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:57 PM
Response to Reply #5
40. that's good!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
LisaM Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:40 PM
Response to Original message
7. I have a friend who notices every little thing out of place
like, if I have a thread on my clothes, or a little bit of mustard on my mouth while I'm eating. She doesn't give me one second of time to notice it myself and fix it (as I would with the mustard - I usually know about it but am still chewing or something.) It drives me nuts (as does her habit of pointing at things in public, or waving her hands in the air for a server at a restaurant.) She can't bear to have things out of place for one minute. I am the type who always has a tag sticking up at my neck or something and she is not. Overall she is a really good friend and I am sure that I do things that drive her nuts too.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
SarahB Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:41 PM
Response to Original message
8. Roll your eyes and tell her...
"Um, didn't we already discuss this about a thousand times? It's getting old." Not "friendly", but so what. Annoying people just don't shut up until you get a little rude sometimes.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:56 PM
Response to Reply #8
14. she was doing this exact thing on cars. Every time she saw our car
she'd ask what year it was. After the fiftieth time and that is no exaggeration, I said "It's the same year I have told you the last 50 times" and I said it in front of her husband. Guess what, the next time I saw her, she asked what year the car was!!!!!! And I then said what difference does it make, who cares, why would anyone care what year a car is??? (Primal scream, crazy) and I am wondering why in the world anyone gives a crap about this bs. Do you know until the car was sold every time I saw her, she asked what year the car was. This is no lie. SOmetimes I would respond "way newer than yours" or "the same year it was the last time you asked."

I am trying to give a flavor for the dynamics here. I can't figure why she is doing it, why she continues to do it, why her social boundaries appear so off or what? I am ready to tell her to see a shrink or to perhaps worry about more important things, like Iraq, the economy, etc., and not whether I should buy some furniture she saw when I am content with what I have and am way past my buying days on that stuff.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
DS1 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:56 PM
Response to Reply #14
37. Tell her it's a 2008
;-)
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 03:00 PM
Response to Reply #37
42. oh god, that's good; (laugh) and I need a laugh just writing about this
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Lavender Brown Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:44 PM
Response to Original message
10. Say something like
"You should have been a gardener/fashion designer/interior decorator, I have never heard anyone else obsess about this stuff so much." Maybe she'll see she's going overboard.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:22 PM
Response to Reply #10
25. oh, good one!!!!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
readmylips Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:46 PM
Response to Original message
11. Sounds like my neighbor from Hell....
Every time we would come home and have used our truck instead of the car, she would be on the phone asking...what did you buy? If she came over unannounced, she would search my house looking for new things. If we did any small projects, she would be investigating and pointing out the errors. This is a woman who's house looks like ready for a garage sale. Nothing matches. Every bit of wall space has to have something hanging. Her house is really a fire hazard from top to bottom. These are luxury homes only 3 years old.

She asked me and another neighbor to help her decorate her house. We declined because we would have to trash everything she owns, and that's too personal. She's young and lives as if she's from the depression era.

To make the story short; she crossed the line when she made sexual advances at my husband...because she thinks he's a good catch...(hello, he's married) and he has money, so she thinks. We dropped her friendship.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 03:02 PM
Response to Reply #11
44. neighbor from hell is right, oh geez
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
jswordy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:46 PM
Response to Original message
12. Every time she does it...
...just scream "BITE ME" as loud as you can!

THAT'LL SHUT HER UP!!!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:58 PM
Response to Reply #12
16. LOL, LOL, LOL
yeah, but what if she does, haha
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
jswordy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:21 PM
Response to Reply #16
24. BITE HER BACK! n/t
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BiggJawn Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:46 PM
Response to Original message
13. Blow her off.
Unless she's got you in a Half-Nelson pushing you towards the check-out counter, just shine her on.

How do you ever watch Teee-Veeee? 17 minutes per hour of people you don't even KNOW telling you "You need this! You should get THIS! Ask your Doctor! You're a DORK if you don't have one of these!"...

You ignore them just fine, right?
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:04 PM
Response to Reply #13
19. I turn the channels at commercials or walk out of the room if
all stations are doing commercials at the same time.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BiggJawn Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:33 PM
Response to Reply #19
33. LOL!
Can't very well do that with your in-law, can you?

Just ignore her. YOU know what your tastes are better anyway....
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
AlCzervik Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:59 PM
Response to Original message
18. Is she a nice person? Do you get along well but this 1 thing makes u nuts
She sounds like she thinks pretty highly of you, almost wants to be like you a little.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:08 PM
Response to Reply #18
20. She's a nice person on other aspects except for this quirk or habit
or whatever it is. I am a person who would never think of telling someone what to do except if we're in a restaurant and I had a really great meal there before and said "you gotta try this." I can't imagine telling a person to buy a 4 or 5 figure item...incomprehension
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
AlCzervik Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:13 PM
Response to Reply #20
21. I'm sure she knows that you don't actually buy things that she points out
Everybody has something they do that annoys other people, if thats the worst she does i'd just live with it, ya know? She sounds like a pretty nice person.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
AuntiBush Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:18 PM
Response to Original message
22. I had the same exact problem
To a tee! And, it was a sister-in-law. It places one in an awkward position to say the least.

Have you tried slowly inching away from her so much? Maybe not go shopping w/her quite as often... when she drops by announce you were just heading up to take a much needed long (very long) warm bath? Better yet, when in doubt, don't, meaning let her talk and just nod the ole' head in agreement but don't say anything, no muttering at all. That old saying "ignore something and eventually it will go away might be the clincher here."

Wish you luck. Mine got under my skin badly... I eventually weaned myself away from her prodding remarks by slowly doing other things that didn't include her, sadly, I still miss her though.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:40 PM
Response to Reply #22
35. she is a sister-in-law, and yeah, awkward alright as the two brothers
are very close.

I haven't been shopping with her. The last time I ever shopped with her was a few years ago and she was telling me what to buy so I stopped it. But that doesn't stop her these last few years. These comments she makes are from her own shopping trips about things I have NEVER even seen.

She is very into gardening and so am I and I wouldn't tell her or anyone else what to put in her garden ever. But she'll come here unexpectedly (they don't live far away) and she'll minutely inspect individual plants in my yard and start telling me what I should put here and there without my asking her opinion. My yard is well-designed and it is as if she is trying to get in here and put her stamp on it. SHe didn't have a professional designer and I did.

I think what you are saying is correct. I am not really good at ignoring this behavior, even though I try. You know, try to overlook the bad stuff. I think unless I somehow find a knockout punch where she stops it for good, I will always have to go in another room or something at family gatherings, of which there are many.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
jswordy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:24 PM
Response to Original message
26. self delete
Edited on Fri Jan-28-05 02:30 PM by jswordy
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
jswordy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:25 PM
Response to Original message
27. self delete
Edited on Fri Jan-28-05 02:32 PM by jswordy
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
jswordy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:26 PM
Response to Original message
28. self delete
Edited on Fri Jan-28-05 02:31 PM by jswordy
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Radical Activist Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:27 PM
Response to Original message
29. They're usually called girlfriends
"You should do more with your apartment, its too plain...You should get this shirt...That would look really good in your bathroom."
:evilgrin:
Yes, I'm kidding around and in fairness I know some men can be like that too.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
jswordy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:34 PM
Response to Reply #29
34. You really shouldn't have Che as your avatar! (LOL) n/t
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Radical Activist Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 03:03 PM
Response to Reply #34
45. It encourages me to behave badly
Maybe I should change it. :)
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
jswordy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:27 PM
Response to Original message
30. sorry for multiple posts. It kept telling me they bounced! n/t
Edited on Fri Jan-28-05 02:32 PM by jswordy
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
jswordy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:30 PM
Response to Original message
31. Every time she does it...
...say to her, "You know, I have sex with your son."

THAT'LL SHUT HER UP!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 03:06 PM
Response to Reply #31
47.  laughing/splitting gut now
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
imenja Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 02:57 PM
Response to Original message
39. She wants the item herself
but can't justify buying it, so she suggests you get it. Have you tried telling her you would prefer she not do it any more, that it bothers you? A direct approach is usually the best.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 03:15 PM
Response to Reply #39
50. the stuff she is always suggesting I should buy I would never buy
I would not buy a 3000 tree, an 8000 ring. The most I ever spent on a tree was 150 bucks and she knows it. Very few people could justify spending like she is telling me to do. It's not like I am trying to be in "Architectural Digest" or "House and Garden"

I have told her to stop it, to quit it but maybe I didn't say it loudly (or whatever) enough. I think I expressed it more in a semi-sneering quiet fashion. (like, "would you quit that already?"). I think I have to say it louder and more forcefully.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
imenja Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 03:21 PM
Response to Reply #50
52. I'd suggest a serious talk
Before you go shopping next time, sit down with her and tell her it really bothers you. I'm sure she has no idea how irritating it is.
If she continues to make such comments, I'd say something like, "why is it that you continue to disrespect my feelings after I have told you this bothers me?"
Might be worth a try. Good luck.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
flvegan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 03:06 PM
Response to Original message
46. Keep a stun gun handy.
You know what to do.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 03:16 PM
Response to Reply #46
51. bwahahahahah (ready, aim, fire?) n/t
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
jswordy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 04:11 PM
Response to Reply #51
61. Yeah, TASER her ass! n/t
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
crispini Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 03:06 PM
Response to Original message
48. I'd ignore the behavior, and try distracting her.
Change the subject. Often.

Her: "How old is your car?"

You: "It's a 2004. Hey, did you see this thing about cars in the paper? They are responsible for 75% of the air pollution in our city?"

Her: "You should get this gorgeous emerald ring!"

You: "Oh, that's so-and-so's favorite color? Have you met so-and-so? Let me tell you about her, she's really interesting."

Distract, distract, distract. And just keep ignoring it. You'll train her out of it eventually.

Just my two cents!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
flvegan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 03:21 PM
Response to Reply #48
53. Or, to really distract her
Keep a Milk Bone in your pocket. When she starts, pull it out and go "who wants a treat? c'mon...widdul puppy doggie wants a chew chew? now sit. sit pretty."
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 03:28 PM
Response to Reply #53
55. you guys are FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 03:27 PM
Response to Reply #48
54. thank you and it is a very good suggestion and I tried that on her in
so many different ways and it didn't work. After she answers the switched subject, she goes right back to the dig.

You are writing to a person who has tried a lot of tactics over the years with this individual. Avoidance would be the absolute best thing as I think there is a mean streak in her or lack of tact or something but these family things and close proximity make it hard.

What you suggest works on regular "bad" tactless types. No question. She has something else up her sleeve and I remembered as I am writing this that I think she has had it in for me for a long long time. I am recalling just now something from way back and I think she wanted to marry the richer brother, not the one she married. It didn't hit me til right now. If I am right this behavior on her part will never stop. Fact is I never did anything to her, except I am with the brother who makes way more money than her husband ever will. Why I got this flashback right now...I don't know I haven't thought of it in years
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
crispini Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 03:50 PM
Response to Reply #54
57. Oy yoi yoi, she sounds like she really has a problem.
Ok, so she's either 1) really, really stupid or 2) deliberately mean and annoying out of some deep dark issue or trauma. Sounds like you're leaning towards #2 and your analysis is beginning to sound quite correct.

So here's the thing:

You're not going to be able to change her behavior.

And you're going to have to come to terms with that.

Now, avoidance, yes, as much as possible, but it sounds like you can't always avoid her. So here's the thing: Use this as an opportunity for your own self-development. If it's #2, she does it because she wants to be deliberately annoying and she obviously knows it's getting under your skin. So stop letting it get under your skin. Whenever it comes up, just think to yourself, "This poor woman, she is obviously hurting for something and she's trying to hurt me, but I control my behaviour and I'm just going to accept what she's doing and let it roll off me like water off a duck's back."

It's difficult, but see, people who deliberately want to make you mad or irritate you are doing it to exert control over you. They want to press your buttons and you're letting her do it. You need to disconnect the button and just let her poor behaviour pass you by.

The behaviour has nothing to do with you. It's HER problem. Don't let her make it into your problem.

HTH,
C
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 04:07 PM
Response to Reply #57
58. thanks, you're right. Reminds me of a story
A few years ago, my friend ( a kind wonderful person) was driving to a funeral with his brother-in-law, a much older total know-it-all and he said driving up there he wanted to shoot the guy. On the way back, it was worse, he wanted to shoot himself.

And the story sort of means I think this individual I am writing about needs a shrink but being around her, I felt I needed a shrink if I can't stop this crap already. I know it sounds small, but when she told me I should go to Paris and get designer stuff made up to the tune of thousands of dollars this past weekend, I was just...I don't even know what in hell to say to her anymore as she is just getting so outrageous with her bullshit.

But you're right and thank you. There have been many good suggestions here. I think I am going to somehow have to avoid her as much as possible and keep saying to myself "I am not going to let her bother me"
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
latebloomer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 08:49 PM
Response to Reply #54
67. Sounds like she's trying to live vicariously through you-
constantly thinking, "Well, if I had hooked Bobby instead of Joe I'd be buying designer clothes in Paris-- why isn't Barb?"
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
barb162 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 09:12 PM
Response to Reply #67
68. "why isn't Barb" Whoa is this loaded.
Edited on Fri Jan-28-05 09:34 PM by barb162
There was a time when I made a lot and spent a lot. Then I grew up or something and didn't have the need to spend. I had one job that depressed me so much and I was near a ritzy shopping center and at lunchtime I felt better momentarily if I spent. That job went along with my biggest of all spending days, the exact right combination of circumstances, ready cash, beautiful stuff and depressing job that paid a lot.

I am pretty satisfied with the material things I have and just don't have that need or want to constantly churn over the clothes, furniture, jewelry, etc. SO when she asked me this one time if I bought anything new, I said "well I decided to give to the animal shelter instead" she gave me this blank look. Silence. Or sometimes I tell her I gave to the local Dem party. Again blank stare. I have changed from being the big spender and if I do spend it is to write a check for the shelter animals. She keeps treating me as I was (prior to growing up) and not as I am. I changed and she hasn't. The reality checks of my telling her I'd rather spend on helping the stray animals isn't doing the trick. The fact I have taken in 4 sick strays, one would think, would show her my interests have turned elsewhere than shopping.


Maybe she's mad at me that I'm not doing what she wants. How dare I donate to the local Dem party (coulda bought another purse instead!) Yuck-yuck.
Edit: ANd then again maybe she's mad she got the brother who isn't going to Paris tomorrow or the day after. Maybe she wants The Donald for a husband.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
DU AdBot (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view 
this author's profile Click to add 
this author to your buddy list Click to add 
this author to your Ignore list Sun Dec 28th 2014, 03:16 AM
Response to Original message
Advertisements [?]
 Top

Home » Discuss » The DU Lounge Donate to DU

Powered by DCForum+ Version 1.1 Copyright 1997-2002 DCScripts.com
Software has been extensively modified by the DU administrators


Important Notices: By participating on this discussion board, visitors agree to abide by the rules outlined on our Rules page. Messages posted on the Democratic Underground Discussion Forums are the opinions of the individuals who post them, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Democratic Underground, LLC.

Home  |  Discussion Forums  |  Journals |  Store  |  Donate

About DU  |  Contact Us  |  Privacy Policy

Got a message for Democratic Underground? Click here to send us a message.

© 2001 - 2011 Democratic Underground, LLC